Top Three Poopy Songs (September)

Yesh, folks. Tis that time of the month where Fluffy humps a few songs which have annoyed the living moose outta him.
Oh, and joy... these just so happen to be the most OVER-PLAYED songs on Radio...

First off, we have that fat weird voiced kid, who sounds like has hasn't hit puberty and looks like an oversized chicken wing... he's 17.. and he's the "proud" singer of "Beautiful Girls"..
Yeah, this song is annoying as hell! Everywhere you go... malls, in teh car, ramly stalls... handphones... THEY KEEP PLAYING IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN!
Enough already! Or people just may go "suicidal... suicidal... suicidalll"...

I ate all dem beautiful gals, datz why i'm fat

Up next, we have the ever so fugly, manly looking, Fergie. She can't sing for nuts! Yeah, songs like "My Humps", "Fergilicious" and now... the stupid emo-freaky-sounding "Big Trannies Don't Cry" which... is also... over...played.. I mean seriously over-played..
Common, IT cannot sing, all it does is strip and dance around strutting its stuff.
What's London Bridge about? She talkin bout an archway her legs form and.. wait.. London Bridge doesn't have an archway to begin with!
You ain't got no talent MAN!

I shaved my facial hair off today. Aren't I Fergilicious?

Next, we have that emo bunch of goth heads known as My Chemical Romance (that went really wrong and that's why I'm so emo)
They're so gay and that song "I Don't Love You Like I Did Yesterday" gets on my nerves! Ack! Blinkin gay song, and the singer looks like a girl. There, i said it. You queer!
Come on, chant with me now... "Emo, Emo, Emo!"
Hope they cut their womanly wrists and die in a bathtub. Woot!

I like my make up. Don't you? Tee Hee!

Ahh, good to have that out of my chest. Let's all have a moment of silence, and pray that these forsaken songs mysteriously disappear from radio waves starting.... NOW!

Wart War

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Woah! Sanders... It's not what you think...

Dear Sanders,

Recently there has been much RUMOUR spreading around concerning a certain Fluffy's presence in the God forsaken hell-hole ruled by a PedoKing known better as Ronald McDonald.
I am here to clearly state that 'No! I did not...' Aw heck. Okay I DID go to MC D's... BUT it was a set up. They didn't tell me where we were heading. Next thing I know, my heart felt heavy, my palms started sweating... I could sense the evilness approaching. Then Dice said... "Hahaha! You're so dead tonight man!"....
I panicked... no worst! I was hysterical!!! How could they do this to me!? But it was happening... Everything was in slow-mo. I was dragged out of the car... Kicking, screaming, biting, clawing.. to no avail.
As my first foot stepped into the "Happy Meal Land"... it burned!!!! Oh, how it burned. They strapped me down onto the "Mc Chair" and asked me what I would have. I spat in their face and said "I'll have me a first class ticket outta here!"
But i was overpowered. I was forced to swallow this putrid cold creamy crap in which fellow MC D worshipers call "Mc Sundae". Then the one person who I thought understood me, gave me this weird smile. It was like she was possessed I tells ya! Cheryl said "Here baby... *hands over a fry to me* GASP!!! This wasn't happening, this isn't real... It was dammit!
I very reluctantly swallowed TWO Mc Fries... and half a MC Nugget... and consumed a whole Mc Choc Sundae...
It was the worst few hours of my life. Even watching Barney over and over again... Okay that would be just as bad. But you get my point!
I went back feeling ashamed.... raped. I was raped by the pedoking Ronald dickhead McDonald.
Soon, everywhere i went, i was greeted by strange smiles, welcoming me to their sick world of pedo-ness. I suffered a severe sore-throat because of what i consumed at that... that... place.
But I hereby declare that I, Fluffy The Humping Moose, am now recovering from the Psychological trauma I suffered. A few visits to the holy-land of KFC and my sins will be cleansed. I am going to go for a whole week without Snickers to make it up to Colonel Sanders the great. And mark my words.... The war is NOT over! Far from it...

Wart is this!?

Tues, 31 July, 2007, Puchong:- Loyal non-existent Humpathon readers may have been wondering upon Fluffy's sudden disappearance from the blogging world. The cause was just recently revealed by Fluffy himself during an interview session today. The reason was none other than an evil wart which decided to take residence beneath Fluffy's dead toe. Fluffy firmly believes that that toe is indeed cursed and has probably been a bad, bad toe in its past life.
"It brings me great pleasure to announce that my wart, will be falling off very very soon. I had it since my trip back to Penang, and i blame it on my Grandma's cooking. Due to this wretched wart, I have not been able to resume my blogging sessions. Yes, if you must know, I type with my toes. For those of you who haven't found out yet, I, Fluffy, have a dead toe. And under this very same dead toe, grew a wart. It caused me much pain and psychological trauma which I can only refer to as 'Psychological Rape' over the past month. However, thanks to Duofilm, the wart is now making its departure," said Fluffy earlier today.





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For those of you who are interested in purchasing Fluffy's soon-to-be-fallen wart, place your reservations today! Call 1800-I want Fluffy's Wart or e-mail us at humpingwart@wartsthathump.com
Payment can be done by credit card or massive amounts of Famous Amos cookies.

The Three Shittiest Songs (July)

Yes, yes, tis the month of July. College has begun for the "juniors". I still got 3 weeks worth of hols! hah! Aw who am i kiddin? I'll be in college most of the time anyway...
Anyhoo, back to the purpose of this post.
I hereby announce the top 3 most annoying songs of this month!

* drum roll *

- NUMBER THREE -

Song: Makes Me Wonder
Artist: Maroon 5
Bottom line: With a faggoty name like Adam Levine, how can you NOT expect their songs to sound gay? Makes me wonder makes ME wonder why would they even come up with a song like this one!? It's being played over and over again on the radio, and my advice would to change teh Gawd damn station IMMEDIATELY upon hearing it.
Verdict: Gay ppl listen to Maroon 5.

Gay on Maroon 5: "A few months ago I bought the CD wishing to hear “Harder to Breathe with the Penis in my mouth”, but when I arrived at the fourth track, “HE will be loved”, I couldn’t breathe and started jumping up and down a godzillion times because of excitement and who could forget their single “Makes Me Wonder (If I Am Gay")!?? Ever since that faithful moment, not a day has gone by in which I have not listened and shivered each time I hear Maroon 5. So, needless to say, I strongly recommend their CDs with all my heart (and any other part of my body). Thank you Maroon 5! You rock!"

- NUMBER TWO -

Song: Umbrella
Artist: Rihanna
Bottom line: umbrella ella ella eh eh eh!!!! OMFG!!! Upon hearing this song, i bet people wished they were deaf or wished for Rihanna's sudden and mysterious death and departure from the music scene. It's incredibly annoying and God, it gets stuck in everyone's head and makes everyone say "let me die please"
Verdict: Ella ella ella eh eh eh... ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH


- NUMBER ONE - and the most annoying song of July goes to....

Song: Girlfriend
Artist: Avril Lavigne (Note: The resemblance of this GIRL'S name to the lead singer of Maroon 5)
Bottom line: From a punk rocker SK8RGRL yadaa yadaa chick to a typical dumb stereotypical blonde bimbo. Avril sure has gone a long way. With this song's "deep" lyrical content... she must feel so proud. I mean... lyrics like:

Hey! Hey! You! You! I don't like your girlfriend! No way No way! I think you need a new one Hey! Hey! You! You! I could be your girlfriend... etc etc

Would you look at the depth and meaningfulness of that song!? Brilliant!
And now just for you fans out there, they even have a Japanese version! Woooot!!!





Amresh to Avril, Adam and Rihanna: (yes, say it along with me now...) I KEEL JOO!!!

"Hey! Who Moved My Bong?!"

Original Song: 4 Non Blondes - "Hey!What's Going On?"
Parody: Syncronos - "Hey!Who Moved My Bong!?"

25 years of my life and still
I'm trying to get off that great
big hill of dope
for an occupation

I realized quickly when I'm really pissed
that the cops are all saying that cannabis is banned
...or whatever that means

And so I try sometimes
when my eyes are all red,
just to get it all out what's in my head
then I...
I am feeling a little peculiar
And when I wake in the morning and my brain is fried
and I take deep breath, but I don't get high
then I scream from the top of my lungs
"Who moved my bong!?"

and I say hey... hey...
I say hey, Who moved my bong?!
and I say hey... hey...
I said hey, Who moved my bong!?

Oh, oooh...
Oh, oooh...

and I buy, man oh man do I buy
I buy all the time
For my favorite stoners
and I pay, man oh man do I
pay
I pay every single day
for the damn freeloaders!
And so I try sometimes
when my eyes are all red,
just to get it all out what's in my head
then I...
I am feeling a little peculiar
And when I wake in the morning and my brain is fried
and I take deep breath, but I don't get high
then I scream from the top of my lungs
"Who moved my bong!?"


and I say hey... hey...
I say hey, Who moved my bong?!
and I say hey... hey...
I said hey, Who moved my bong!?
and I say hey... hey...
I say hey, Who moved my bong?!
and I say hey... hey...
I said hey, Who moved my bong!?

Oh, oooh, oooh...
25 years of my life and still
I'm trying to get off that great
big hill of dope...
wait, I can't remember...

Penang Darul Gagak

Wa wa we wa! Been months since i last went back to my hometown. Was lookin forward to this trip (minus the missing Cheryl part). Meet up with old friends, good ol' Penang food, erm... okay that's pretty much all i had to look forward to in Penang. OHH!! No, wait wait... How could i forget.. my cousin's maid's cooking. Or was it grandma's... See, grandma thought the maid how to cook, and sometimes she cooks too.. either way... it's just nastehhh!
I was back in Penang for 2 weeks. Here's a preview of what fine selection of food the maid/grandma had prepared for me.


Day One:
Name: Dhal v 1.0
Description: Yellow thick thingy which just has chilis in it and water.
Taste: Drink boiled water with chilis and yellow colouring. Tastes freakishly same.
Rating: 1/5




Day Two:
Name: Vegetable Curry
Description: Some carrots, potatoes and spices, curry powder and lots and lots of water.
Taste: Curry powder + water... with chunks of carrot to chew on.
Rating: 0.3/5




Day Three:
Name: Dhal v 2.0
Description: Refer to Dhal v 1.0. This just has more potatoes and spices.
Taste: Unfortunately, this one has slightly less water content thus, it doesn't taste too much like drinking water.
Rating: 1.8/5




Day Four:
Name: What da heck is this!? Wait lemme take a closer look... Ah okay. Fish Curry
Description: Watery curry with ladies fingers, fish, potatoes and more water.
Taste: Like an aquarium with ladies fingers in it
Rating: -3.7/5




Day Five:
Name: Veggie Curry...
Description: Lots and lots of unique water taste complemented with carrots, potatoes and ladies fingers. Yummeh!
Taste: D'uh!
Rating: 0.1/5




Day Six:
Name: You should know by now... Dhal returns.
Description: Yellow, slimy looking thingy with curry leaves floating around.
Taste: WATER! TASTES LIKE WATER DAMMIT!
Rating: How bout you kiss my skinny butt/5





Day Seven:
Name: Yadaa Yadaa Curry
Description: Curry, with potatoes and some veggie I'm not familiar with. Drumsticks!? Iono..
Taste: Surprise! Like water with a sprinkle of some curry powder and a Veggie that tastes worst than it looks.
Rating: None/5



Ah, there you have it. Pleasant dining memories at my cousin's house courtesy of that damn maid! No surprise I tried as hard as i could to stray away from my cousin's house during lunch/dinner hours. Heck, i even chose to walk all the way to the shops to get some REAL penang food. Thank God for Jun Yew, Clement and Jensen who rescued me from the evil grasp of my grandma's kitchen.

Apart from that dining torture, Penang was really aight.

During my escape, I indulged in steamboat! 18 bucks, Gawd i love penang food prices. It was awesome, and DID NOT taste like water. Stuffed myself silly that night.






Being the weirdos that we are, we went fishing one night. Started at bout midnight i think, and we stayed till sunrise. Fishing under the moonlight, priceless. First catch of the day: by me! Muahaha. I poured some beer on my bait, that explains it.





That was just some of the shit we did, mainly everything involved food! Nothing, i repeat (Cheryl take note), Penang food beats Malacca's flat! Hands down. No debate.
Good food, solid beaches, clubs are nice, and wooo we have huge malls now, Queensbay was it? Didn't go there though. Ah yes, and CHEAP ass DVDs!!! 4 bucks per CD. I went on a rampage. If those anti-piracy chaps raided my luggage, I'd be in jail now. Oh shit, what if they're reading this!?
Uhm... No. Stop piracy! I bought those CDs then i threw them into the sea. I swear! Piracy = BAD...

I miss joo Penang! I keel joo damn maid!

Chewing Orchestra

What is it with people who chew loudly? It's either that, or they speak while chewing... both make me lose my appetite and wanna smash that persons' mouth to pulp.
Don't they notice all the stares they receive as they happily make more noise than a construction goin on in the middle of Pudu?

See, the trick is, chew, swallow THEN speak.
Chewing, speaking and spitting is NOT the way.

It baffles me how they don't realise just how much noise they're making. Tell me, is simply because under some strange reason these people just cannot hear themselves chewing loudly? Or are they plain ignorant?
What is it!? Enlighten me please! Ohh and i know that you know at least one pest who does it. Do us all a favour, and just tell them off. They need to know.
You could also record it secretly, then tell them you have a sound clip of this nasty person chewing loudly. See if they get the hint then. If they're still clueless, say "THAT'S THE NOISE COMING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH MORON! YOURS! YES, YOUR GAP HOLE!"

Oh, wait you know what would also be fun? Imitate them! Yeah, that's it. Take a bite, and start chewing loudly, and then start talking at the same time. Try to get some of that food on their face too, if possible. That oughta show 'em. Hah!

What's your fetish?

Was reading this month's Issue of Lime, when i came across something real interesting!
Weird fetishes!

1.) Emetophilia - arousal from puke or by puking










"Puke? For ME!? Awww, you shoudln't have!"



2.) Oculolintus - arousal by licking a partner's eyeball...










"Mmm! Tastes like chicken."



3.) Taphephilia - arousal from being buried alive










"How deep can you take me?"



4.) Formicophilia - the use of insects for sexual purposes









"Bloody OUCH!!!"


5.) Dendrophilia - sexual attraction to trees...







"If you're cutting down this tree, take me with it!"

Boy-Banned!

Recently the not-so-good charlotte boys came down and spreaded their emo-ness in our country. I have a problem with bands like Simple Plan, Good Charlotte and uhm... all the God forsaken boy bands out there! West life, Backstreet Boys and well, y'all should know.


Let's go back in time first, to the days of Backstreet Boys... First was their annoying coordinated attire. If one's in white, oooh the rest of the posse gotta be in white too. What ever happened to individualism? Then they sing bout songs on "ever lasting love" that lasts forever. And these very same people who sang this song just happen to have the biggest history of break-ups. Then they make a comeback... and sing bout how they don't want that girl cause she wasn't loyal... Then they regret doing that and sing ANOTHER song saying how sorry they are, and how much they want you back. They grow a beard or goatee just to show that they've grown and matured, and in turn, realised their mistakes... If the song doesn't help bring back their girl, they turn gay.


"Aren't I perteh?"

Okay, here's something else that annoys me... their names... We have a dude from "5ive" who calls himself, Abs. Yeah... Name yourself after a bodypart.. And why even name your band based on the number of members you have? Is that just how much these blondes are capable of conjuring?

Manager: Okay guyss, we chose the five of you because you have blue eyes, cute faces, nice bodies and can't sing for nuts. Now, all we need is a name for your band.

Five: Duh.. ajdha? ajahujea? * stare at each other * One, two, th.. the. threee, four... five! FIVE! Ahauehauh! we name us five. five good number! we like! yes, we 5! woooot!!!

Manager: Mmkay... Now let's think of song titles.

Five: Duhh.. uhm we is scared of dark. Dark bad. We name song "When The Lights Go Out" tee hee! * they all dance in agreement * And uhhhh how bout.. uhhh... "Slam Dunk" because we got hit in teh head by a basketball when we is younger.

Manager? Da funk is that?

Five: Yes! Slam Dunk Da Funk! huaehauhea! Weeeeee! Let's get ice cream


Random bunny on 5ive

Backstreet boys were no different. Dressed the same... Sang emo songs. Some of em turned gay. BBS tried to discreetly reveal to fans that they were indeed gay with songs like "Get Down", "We've Got It Going On Dude" and the most obvious and obscene one, "I want it THAT way". Seemingly innocent songs at first, people later realised that these songs were actually attempts in increasing their male fan rates and hopefully get a bus of male fans visiting their "Boyz Crib". They got booed off stage and went missing for some time, and then came back with facial hair and hoped to be accepted by the community. Didn't work out so well. This lead to the song "Show me the meaning of being lonely". They even tried dressing up as fictional characters like Dracula and the Werewolf, but no one was fooled and they eventually broke off. Now they're "Crawling Back to You", so please, swat them away like the annoying bugs that they are.

After the breaking apart of Five and BBS, boy bands worldwide were on their guard. They had to come up with something new and quick! The result? Emo punk bands like Simple Plan and Good Charlotte.
These new species of boy bands were equipped with DIFFERENT sets of clothings to mislead people. And now they sang not about love, but about youth. Why? They're pedos that's why! Instead of gay males in buses heading over to their love shack, they now want teenagers. Fresh meat. So, the plan was in action.
Songs like "Hold On" is self explanatory. Instead of saving peoples' lives, suicide rates actually increased by 67.3% after the release of that song, worldwide, except in Jamaica. After that they came up with "I Just Wanna Live" in hopes of decreasing suicide rates, but failed to do so. These "punks" who try so hard to potray the image of tough-ass goths, could not take being made fun of and getting their girls stolen much longer so they came up with "Keep Your Hands off My Girl". They prayed that this song would scare off males, with lyrics such as "I got brass knuckles hanging from the neck in my chain"... Note, it's not actually ON their knuckles, so they lost their girls anyway. Their next single is rumoured to be "Give me my girl back! Please?"


We want our girls backl! * Cries *

Then we have Simple Plan, who despite looking old and haggard sing songs like "I'm Just A Kid". When critics criticised them for attempting to lure unsuspecting blonde kids into bed with them, they cried and then came up with a song as a comeback entitled "Shutup!". In court, they tried to gain pity by explaining themselves with the song "Addicted (to kids)". The last straw was when a 9 year old boy tried to copy their dressing style, and wore tight leather pants and his nuts exploded. He now speaks like a girl and can't enjoy the pleasures of life... like cycling or horse-back riding. They were sued, but not before releasing 2 other titles; "Me Against The World" and "God Must Hate Me". What they hoped was a "simple plan" turned out a failure. They can now be seen hanging out alot with MJ and George Michael at male strip bars and lurking outside of Primary Schools.


Still Not Getting Any. *Hint, Hint*

Fellow artists Kid Rock and Eminem also supports this anti-boy band post. They've even gone as far to add Anti-Boy Band lyrics in their songs.

Kid Rock says:
Yeah, I saw your band Jumpin around on stage like a bunch of wounded ducks When you gonna learn sucker? You just can't fuck with TWISTED BRBRBR BROWN BROWN TRuuuuuccckeeeeerrrrr

Amresh says: Thanks Kid Rock! Although we don't really get the brbrbr brown brown truckerrr part, we appreciate the first two lines.

Eminem says:
I'm sick of you little girl and boy groups,
all you do is annoy me so I have been sent here to destroy you [*bzzzt*]

Amresh says: Bzzt!

Face it, boy bands don't last, and for good reason. They're an insult to music in general. Boy bands are perteh looking boys who at first started off by tryin to drown everyone in sorrow and mushiness, then failed, broke up, turned gay, then emo pedo's and now the remaining ones are dying of testicular cancer.Whooopeee!



Amresh keels boy bands!

Murder-Me Elmo

It's very likely that all of you have gone through the Sesame Street phase sometime during your childhood.
I remember the huge yella bird, Big Bird (got proof?), Snuffle wats-his-name (the tranny elephant), Count Dracula or smth,Kermit, and my personal fav, Cookie Monster! Mmmm cookies! Just a note, for those who are reading this, you have just willingly commited yourselves to buying me Famous Amos (no-nut) choc chip cookies.
Pass it to me by hand, or deliver it to my house.
Back to the muppets, yeah, I'm okay with them. Teaching us how to count, pronounce words, how to appreciate cookies... how to TICKLE A RED FURRY ANNOYING (and dear Lord, i DO mean ANNOYING!) PEDO THAT FEEDS ON MONEY FROM UNSUSPECTING PARENTS.

Elmo has unsuccesfully attempted to be more popular than his Sesame Street comrades. All that acting cute, being furry and having a gay ass voice... yeah, you'd think it would work. Behind all that innocent act, lies a cold hearted, still furry... ever wondered why Elmo's fur is red!?



"Can you tell me how to kill... how to kill those innocent kids?" sings Elmo

Just who IS buying all this Tickle-Me crap?? All Elmo wants is your childs' hands all over his furry red, blood soaked body as he satisfies his deprived needs. In your case, it could be your younger brother or sister. Bless their souls!
If you listen carefully to Elmo laughing, you can actually sense the palpable evil tone in it. Elmo is as unforgiving as ice-crusted ladder rungs.

Here's Elmo for you: Hahahaha Hehehehehe Hoahahahahehehehe DO IT AGAIN! Ahahahah HEhehehehehe DO IT AGAIN or else...! ahahahaha hehehehehehe hihihihihi KILL YOUR DOG ahahahahah hohohohohoho VIOLENCE IS GOOD hahahaha heheheheheh KILL, KILL, KILL hahahah heheeheheh CENTIPEDES ARE HEAVENLY CREATURES....

Here's a sweet song dedicated to Elmo:

Well you think you hate Elmo's World
It must be crazy
Can't stand a tickle me Elmo
I'm not so lazy

Oh and if you really hate Elmo
I just wanna let you know

Yeah
Get rid of Elmo
And don't act funny
Get rid of Ernie
While using your knees
Get rid of Big Bird
You got your worst look
Tell me who can you hit with your elbows
Get rid of Elmo

You know that it's just a muppet
That's really stupid
You think that Elmo's really plain suck
He wasn't wicked

So if you really hate Elmo
I just wanna let you know

Get rid of Elmo
And don't act funny
Get rid of Ernie
While using your knees
Get rid of Big Bird
You got your worst look
So keep on hitting him with your Elbows
Get rid of Elmo

Yeah
Get rid of Elmo
Get rid
Yeah

Oh
Get rid
Get rid
Get rid
Get rid
Get rid
Get rid
Get rid

Get rid of Elmo

Yep, Elmo deserves to be decapitated, burnt, have his fur plucked out, dipped in acid, then hung on a tree, stretched till his joints come loose, then as he's screaming, take a blunt object and repeatedly hit his sorry excuse for a head. Bitchen!



Amresh to Elmo "I keel joo!"

Question: How can YOU make a difference and reduce the Elmo population?
Answer: The next time you visit Toys "R" Us, and you see the red head, take him to a corner and rip him into pieces. Then blame it on the doll's poor quality and suggest that the product shouldn't be distributed anymore.

This is the truth
La la la la
Elmo sucks
La la la la La la la la
Elmo sucks
He's over-marketed
And boring too--
Yes, Elmo sucks!

Pain Apples

Many things on God's Green Earth, even words can't describe. Food, for instance! Hmm, naw come to think of it, you actually can describe food.... shucks. I just wanted to sound smart..
Where was I? Ah yes, food. I'm a fooda-holic. I eat, and eat, and eat.... and eat more. One of my fav victims of my hunger is none other than Pizza! Be it Dominoes, Pizza Hutt or Canadian Pizza (didn't mention other branches for obvious reasons), Pizza is plain yummeh!That topping, with chunks of chicken, green pepper, onions... tomato paste.. okay, brb, imma grab smth to eat.

* back *

Ah yeah, so imagine biting into that slice of pizza. Sinking your teeth into it... enjoying the fusion of tastes that explode in your mouth... UNTIL A STUPID UNINVITED YELLOW SQUISHY THINGY jumps in too!
Yesh, this forsaken yellow fruit is none other than a stinkin pineapple!



You see, the pizza was fine without 'em. But some wise ass had to come up with what they call the "Aloha" Pizza... which simply refers to a pizza which is filled with nothing but pineapple. Boiled, squishy, sweet, sickly yellow pineapple... Let's be rational... why add pineapples? Pizza is fine without fruits making an appearance on top of it. What next? Peas on pizzas? Raisins? Eeew, omg the very thought of it.

Even Arnold agrees with me on this one. Arnold on pizza: "If you want something krazy like pineapple, I KILL YOU!"

So, the next time you're ordering pizza, tell the school-drop out dude on the line: "No pineapples please! Tak mau nanas!No pls!" And if he comes with a pizza with an EXTRA topping of pineapples, just throw it in his face.
Aloha Pizzas are not even really pizzas anyway. Pizzas are not made to have fruits laid on them!!!

Other valid reasons to despise pineapples:

1.) They are often used as capital punishment instruments. The guy sentenced on deathrow will be blindfolded, then left standing naked tied to a pole. The janitors will then all have 5 shots each at him using pineapples... Ouch.

2.) You wouldn't wanna eat Spongebob's house now, would you? WOULD YOU!?

3.) Pineapples are made up of Pine Trees and Apples... Save the trees! Don't eat pineapples.

4.) Do you find pineapple flavoured Shisha? No, you don't. Shuddup

5.) It was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Pineapple.



Amresh to Pineapple: "I keel joo!"

I'm positive that with all the facts provided above, you will make the right choice and join the "Punch Pineapples Please Posse" or widely known as the 4P.
Call 1-800-Pineapples?-Phooey! or visit your nearest pizza outlet and empty the tray containing pineapples. (Instant membership for these people)

May the hatred for pineapples be with you.


The only thing that pineapples look good on

I ain't raising no raisin

Raisins... Why raisins? Leave the poor ol grape alone. Grapes are sexay. But when they "morph" into shrivelled up miniature prunes, which are HAZARDOUS to humans, mind you...
They taste disgustingly sourish and... poopy. Heck, they even look like deer poop. Or rat poo. Poo in general ok?
Since it's birth in Israel in 500 BC, raisins have since plagued the entire world.
They've conquered "Cerea-Land" and you can spot them hiding not-so-innocently between the cornflakes.
Even Anus the Great, (now known as Famous Amos) was not spared. His deliciously yummy, crunchy... NOW RAISIN infested cookies have caused his empire to perish.
Compare grapes to raisins... Grapes are such perteh fruits. They come in green, purple, red... then there's raisins! The Outcast if the Grape Vine. Turds of the vine.

Another reason to hate raisins, is it's utmost resemblance to a dead/alive... bug.
Take a look...






A bunch of ticks having an orgy









A raisin





UH HUH! Fooled ya didnt I!? I knew it!

Other valid reasons to despise raisins:

1.) raisins are just rabbit-breeders making that last bit of coin on the consumers' gullibility.
2.) raisins can be used as bullets thus, promotes violence
3.) you may trip over a raisin and break your back bone
4.) Raisins contain nicotine
5.) Raisins are boy band's official snack
6.) Raisins kill your dog. (dog owners, take note. TRUE!!!)
7.) Your annoying nephew can choke on a raisin and die. Hey!.. hmm....

Okay here's the song part.

Oh raisins, they look like poo.
People hate them, i do too.
Let's burn them all, spare the grapes,
Uhm... raisins cause date rapes?

True Story: One time, like this raisin thingy, like fell from a plane. And then it like, it hit a little Kazakhstani boy, and he like... cried! Dude!

Conclusion: Raisins KILL! They only "rais" problems and "rais" deaths... So lets "e-rais" Raisins from the surface of God's Green Earth!

JOIN ME IN THIS COMBAT! RAISINS MAY COVER THE SUN, FILLING THE SKY, BUT WE WILL DESTROY THEM IN THE SHADE THEN! FOR SPARTAAAAA!!!!!! .. okay sorry... too much 300 influence.
Leonidas pawns! (and doesn't eat raisins)

p.s: Join the "Rawr! Rape Raisins!" Club this very instant! Yes, NOW you moron. Before it's too late. Call 1-800-raisins-r-retards or visit www.raisins?riiiiight.com

Don't Give Peas A Chance

Besides those annoying centipedes, another thing that servers no purpose here on Earth... are PEAS!!!


Who, in their right state of mind, would like to eat peas!? The thing is, it's everywhere! In your fried rice, with your salad, heck, they even have Pea flavoured Keropok!
Peas are just plain nasty. Mushy lil green stuff that has an awful taste. Anything with peas in it, isn't worth eating.

Here's a story which should give you another reason on why you shouldn't eat peas. There was this female TV presenter aight. And she was tasting a dish that had loads of peas in it. She was asked what she thought of the dish. It was delicious to her apparently, cause she said "I like the taste of pea-ness" outloud... Infront of national tv... There you have it! Peas are causing nothing but trouble and misery to everyone who has anything to do with it!

Of all the veggies that exist... why would you choose peas? Brocolli's rule by the way. Yeh. uh huh! In your face, Peas! Sure, you may have an international band with your name in like Black Eyed Peas... so what!? The Green Brocolli Boys are also a hit in the music industry! Well, maybe not just yet.. But anywway..
Ah found one! How can you beat Korn eh!? They're named after a veggie too. And it's a much more tastier one. There's sweet corn, there's pop corn... You don't hear nothing bout Sweet Peas (except in Popeye) or Pop Peas do ya? No? HUH!?
Than it's settled! Peas are just a mistake in this world! A mutant! An uninvited guest! Pack your bags, gather your centipede, pineapple, raisin and black pepper gang and get the hell out! Oh no... don't you try givin' me that sad face...
SCRAM!

Here's a song dedicated to peas all over the world. (They're everywhere!) Not for long... Muahahaha!

I hate peas. I hate peas.
Don't feed me peas. Don't feed me peas.
Peas on a plate make me weak in my knees.
As they near my mouth my lips start to freeze.
I prefer that you give me some chocolate, please.
'Cause I hate peas. I hate peas.

By the way, if you wanna join the "Provide Pain to Peas Posse", and rid of this forsaken so-called veggies.. Call 1800-Peas-Suck today!
AND yes, of course you'll get smth free you darn cheapskates...





A Sexy "I Hate Peas" Tee awaits new members. Parade around your neighbourhood proudly with this awesome tee-shirt!
Call and join us NOW!!!


(while stocks last)

Gross Rider

well, can't say i'm surprised. I expected it to be lame, and lame it was. Maybe lame is too much of a compliment for this movie.
Ooooh, ghost rider! Nicholas Cage! Eva Mendes! Cool Bike! Marvel! bleh... all that hype for nothing.
Nicholas Cage sold his soul to this dude called Metamorphosizzle or smth and in return his dad got to live for one extra day. Aww.. Then Johnny Blaze (nicholas cage) had to be Metamorphosizzle's bitch for eternity. Anytime Mr M (his name is too long to keep being mentioned) felt threatened, he would call upon Gross Rider to help him.
There were 4 villains who i think even a drunk midget could've pawned. One was Mr. M's son, and the rest were dudes who were based on the elements. Air, Earth and Wind. Let's put it this way, they all died of boredom cause of Johnny Blaze a.k.a Gross Rider. He would walk towards them... point his skinny finger at 'em and say... "You! Got Milk?"
and they would all just perish.
No, but honestly, the lines were freaking tacky. "Look into my eyes... blah blah blah" And when Mr. M's son finally got the contract of souls thingy, he said "I am Legion! For i am many..." .... what...? Duhhhh....
The only highlight(s) of the movie was Eva Mendes...'s twins. Not her, she has that distracting mole. And ahh fine.. the graphics were good too. But with such lame lines, it screwed up the whole movie.
For those of you who haven't watched Gross Rider, don't bother. Save your money and watch Epic Movie instead which i heard was awesome. Seen it anyone?

I know where you crawled last summer...

Ever wondered what evil lay hidden beneath that rock in your garden...? Or what might just pop up through that drainage hole thingy in your toilet? Why not check what's under your bed too!? Or in your closet!? Scared aren't ya?! Huh!? Huh????

you know why!? Cause there just might be a frigging....
CENTIPEDE there!!!

Yes, these creatures with no purpose on Earth except to torment poor, innocent people like me, deserve to die!!! All of 'em.
They grow up to nearly 8 inches! And these creatures come in a variety of colours too.



Here we have the blue centipede




And here we have the red one










Centipedes have 'red heads' too

If some of you are going "Awww, look at the perteh colours..." Wait till you get a taste of its venomous bite.

I had the "pleasure" of getting bitten three times. Each in different spots.

1st "encounter" of the centipede kind - I was sleeping innocently in my new room in Seychelles... Not knowing what evil was awaiting me once i was on my way to the land of snickers and cameron diaz. I felt a sharp sting by the side of my head, i thought i had hit the side of the bed or somethin'... that is until i felt something slither pass my neck!

Startled, i jumped (in a macho way) outta bed, peered under the pillow and there it was... a big 6 1/2 inch centipede staring back at me triumphantly... I ran to the toolbox, took a hammer and smashed the living hell out of it. That marked the beginning of what would be an ever lasting war between me and centipedes... * dramatic music comes on *

Damage: Red eye (the venom travelled to my eye)

2nd encounter - I felt that i had shown the centipedes who's boss so i was brave enough to sleep again in my room. Nothing happened for a few weeks, but on one night... i got bitten again. This time on my hand. Grabbed my dad's shoe and whacked it to pulp.

Damage: Swollen hand

3rd encounter - I decided my room was no longer my sanctuary and instead it was a centipede breeding ground. Or a training field, where they tested their venom on me.. Either way, i migrated out of my room to the hall. Hah! I knew i'd be safe here...

That was a stupid thing to do. Despite pouring sulphur all around, my good ol' centipede buddy visited me again. I got bitten on my leg, causing me to walk with much difficulty. This one escaped...

WAR!!! Since then, there's been no rest for me. I have come up with several methods of making centipedes suffer in agony and slowly but painfully... die! Muahahaa!

How to kill...

There's the 'waxing' method, where i hit the centipede in the middle, making it unable to move. After that, i grab a candle, light it, and start pouring hot wax on it. Watch it squirm and slowly die...

Next is the acupuncture method. Get a few needles, and slowly jab it in the centipedes body. Watch it wiggle in pain. When satisfied, take a hammer and smash its head!

Inferno. Smash a centipede causing it to be immobilized, then chuck it in a tissue soaked in kerosene. Light it up and watch in delight as it slowly burns to crisp.

Prevention Method

Kill 'em while they're young!

If you see their eggs, smash it! But be careful as mama centipedes are very... VERY... VERY protective! And they can 'jump' too. They coil themselves into a "S" shape, then launch themselves at you. Be warned! (pregnant centipedes only)

A mama centipede being over protective of her eggs. Aww...

* SMASH *




Here's a clip of a centipede eating a mouse!


And there you have it. Reasons and proof why centipedes deserve to die! They're evil! As evil as animated cartoons, raisins, pineapples, green peas and black pepper.
YOU can make a difference! Call 1600 - i - hate - centipedes today and join our "Centipede Cruelty Club" today! Call now and you stand a chance to win a brand new... medieval mace to help make your centipede squashing a whole lot easier, and painful!


Your free gift awaits you!


Here's a song specially dedicated to centipedes all over the world.

I hate centipedes

Kill them when I please

Their sight is sickening to me

I hate centipedes

I loathe centipedes

Feel them in my sleep

Their legs ocillate when they're squeezed

Let's nuke the breed

If I were pope, I'd ask God

To please evict the arthropods

They're so freakin' odd to me

Please smash centipedes

Got nothin' 'gainst the silverfish

With roach's legs, I make a wish

But they don't nauseate my eyes

Quite like centipedes

Spiders earn my respect

'Coz they leave such glittery webs

But even spiders can't outscare

The centipede

In Ha Wa Yee they're quite immense

Those 10 inch 'pedes don't pay no rent

There's no permanent defense

'Gainst centipedes

In the Phillipines

They're quite lean and mean

I heard one killed a girl that screamed,

"Get offa me!"

Right in Pakistan

They're trained to bite on command

It's an insect taliban

Of terrorpedes

That's why

I hate centipedes

Would rather have a swarm of bees

Come pollinate my teeth

F --- all centipedes

Yeah!!!