Pee-tiful Pee-ple

Day after day, millions of people leave their jobs (and toilets) for a serious reason... Toilet hygiene. The art of peeing INSIDE the toilet bowl is almost as hard as predicting when Christmas is every year and thus, professional help was sought. Toilet ethics expert, The Moose has now released the answer to every half-witted mongrel son of a whelp who is incapable of holding his member in his hand and aiming for the toilet bowl instead of spraying it anywhere and everywhere AROUND the toilet bowl. One would assume that only children below the age of 10 would suffer from this severe case of stupidity, but alas, adults have proven to be the majority of the culprits. Bearing that in mind, renowned author The Moose has written an exclusive book aimed at schooling and once and for all, solving this nationwide plague.



"An amazing read! Suitable for both parents AND their kids! The Moose has done it again!" - KL Times


"A best-seller! And it saved my marriage!" - ex half-witted mongrel


"You... you can do that!? This is magical! Look! No more pee stains!" - YOU


"A highly recommended read for everyone! Especially those with penises and half a brain." - Ben. T Johnson

Need you more proof?

As you all so brightly know, I'm not a fan of Mc Donalds and never will be.
The next time you order a Spicy Chicken Mc Puke-lux, take a bite from the chicken patty, and look in the middle. I'm almost certain you'll see this old layer of chicken meat, in a sick yellow'ish colour.
That's right, it ain't all stringy, fresh chicken. They fresh part is just outside, inside there's some nasty shit. But heyy, who am I to say? I've only seen it like 3 or 4 times myself, and have heard of countless people complaining of 'toilet' issues the next day.




Suck on that Ronald.

Something Fishy

I was reading the news (yes, again. I should really stop. It's destroying my mind) and one article was about this Beluga whale which saved a drowning woman.

Here's what the article from news.com.au read:

Yang Yun was taking part in a free-diving contest at Polar Land in Harbin, north-east China, in which participants were required to sink seven metres to the bottom of a pool and stay there for as long as possible without the aid of breathing equipment.

Ms Yun, 26, thought she was going to die amid the beluga whales she shared the arctic pool with, after struggling to move her legs while trying to kick her way to the surface.

"I began to choke and sank even lower and I thought that was it for me - I was dead,” she told The Sun.

“Until I felt this incredible force under me driving me to the surface."

That “incredible force” was Mila, a beluga whale which had noticed her distress and clamped its jaws around her leg.

Using her sensitive nose, Mila drove Ms Yun carefully to the surface, to the amazement of onlookers and an underwater photographer who captured the entire incident on film.

Yang Yun later met up with some of her fishermen homies, caught the whale and had sushi for dinner later that night.
Well, that's just what I think, but my point is, these gentle creatures mean no harm to humans in any way... Yet they are hunted, butchered, slaughtered while others are kept in captivity, taken away from their families.
That's just disheartening and inhumane if you ask me. These creatures are incapable of feeling hatred nor do they hold grudges against humans... The very same morons who kill and capture them. So, once again, humanity and its selfishness has done well to sicken me.

LEAVE THEM WHALES ALONE!!!

Right, as if this post is actually gonna make a difference and save the whales... But heck, I believe that even small steps can eventually make a difference. Sign petitions, jump in the ocean and throw a harpoon at whale hunters... anything. Join the Moose in the fight against Whale Hunting.

This public service announcement is brought to you by:

The Moose

Pathetic Beings - A Study

Pardon the sudden disappearance of the Moose. What with work and all, finding the time to write on yet another platform really seems impossible if not painful. But then, I realise that heyy, half the shit I write is related to what I despise/hate/loathe. Take your pick.
And it would be so totally wrong of me to just provide no form of recognition whatsoever to these things I dislike so much, now wouldn't it?
With that being said, I now present you my latest topic of hatred - The Human Race.


Before I begin this passionate piece of work, let me say this, dissing the entire Human Race would be stupid, for indeed there exist people who actually are decent, possess the ability to think rationally and well, don't act like complete ignorant asses.
HOWEVER, these are only a minority, and the streets of Malaysia (and globally) are unfortunately flooded with mindless, incompetent droids.

For the past month or so, I've met some really strange people and being me, I do not shy away from speaking my mind.



SIMON SAYS...
First you have the predictable bunch of retards...
These people stand there, totally influenced by the media and have no personal opinion and having their own stand is something unthinkable if not taboo. They, (just like a flock of sheep following its shepherd) follow what society deems right and just by taking a look around you (yes, right now. Go on, look around you), you would almost surely find a few. What are they listening to? Oh, those very same songs the radio repeats 167693513 times a day? That's just one of many symptoms these "breed" of people have. The next, slightly more complex trait would be their reaction to any given situation... Or their response for that matter.
Ask them what they think about MJ's death? Be prepared for the very same response nearly everyone on your Facebook account used as their personal status.
Give them a magazine, watch as they skim through and almost immediately head for articles on celebrities, parties or the latest fashion. To them, knowledge on these is far more vital than reading anything that interests THEMSELVES. They need to know what other people find interesting, they need to like what others like, they need to be what others are. In the end, wave goodbye to individualism and give a warm, disgusted welcome to yet another mindless, predictable pansy. I'm not complaining however, cause they are so easily manipulated. You can read their next moves, you know how they will react and with that knowledge in hand, *tadaa* you are now the proud owner of your very own droid.


And then we have the UN-ORIGINALS..
Somewhat similar to the followers of "Simon Says..." these people have no personal characteristics. They're merely a mimicry of people they see (in real life or in the big screen) of which they label as "acceptable" in society. They rehearse jokes they either get from movies, the latest stand-up they stood up all night watching, or from another friend. Then, they go around repeating the joke, taking the credit for it and that in turn, (strangely) gives them a great sense of accomplishment. Half the things they say aren't anything they themselves come up with. They do not dress, talk, walk or act in a way they are comfortable with. Oh no, they consider doing that unacceptable and feel that by being themselves, they risk being social outcasts. Some speak with an accent (I'm sure you know of a few), some get tattoos (or in the case of girls, they get tramp stamps) that carry no personal message at all. They're just doing it cause "Hey, everyone else is doing it. I need... I MUST blend in." Little do they know, that the simple act of being themselves would get them real results.

The next bunch are rather scary... I'm gonna call them the INSECURE ONES.
Oh, where do I even begin? I'll start with the nerds. You sometimes see them in your class (if you're still in college), sitting right in front, hands raised at every question the lecturer shoots, and are usually the top-scoring students. Reputable indeed, but when they're smart YET insecure, that's when you hear of bully cases happening. You see, to these fellas sharing knowledge, helping other "not-so-book-smart" students or simply socializing with people who do not score straight A's would bring great shame to them and what they stand for. (which is usually close to nothing) Instead, they tend to stick to their own little posse, sharing notes and information among themselves, conveniently forgetting to inform their classmates about that stupid replacement class on Saturday or that assignment that was due last week. They just feel that they are of a higher social status and the very thought of being associated with the "others" is pointless. Crazy, even. And for you working bunch, you get these kind of people too. Almost similar to college nerds, these fellas try to sabotage your career, try to spread rumors or may act all friendly at first, but with not-so-noble intentions at heart. The reason may be 'cause you scare the living shit out of them and they know you will eventually go further than them, so before this happens, they do their very best to dishearten you and try to unethically rid of any competition. Regardless of it being healthy competition or not. Instead of bowing down and wanting to learn from people who are better than them, their ego gets dramatically challenged and this "I'm the shit" mentality takes over, leading to their own downfall eventually. Now that we've covered those, let's move on to insecure girls.
You usually find these ones posting a shit load of self-pics (or in a more politically correct term - camwhore pics) from every possible angle, color, effect, clothing, facial expression and location to eventually find that one or two (Okay, fine. Maybe 3) pictures in which they get the most comments saying "U look good bebz! ;)" followed by a little "whore-celebration-dance" cause someone actually checked them out. When a chance like this does not arise, they resort to other means of attention seeking, may it be intolerable levels of flirting, fishing for compliments or the most common case, cheating. It may be with an ex, a guy who "is only a close friend" and all that. Ah, what a load of crap. We all know these people are stored there for a reason. When that little pimple pops up, or all that gobbling of Mc Donalds takes its toll and a few extra pounds come visit, the insecurity strikes back. The solution? Attention from other guys which would feed their pitiful low self-esteem and put the fake impression that they actually "still got game" and found to be desirable by others. Good Lord, you see how dependant they are on others to feel secure and confident? That's the insecure ones for you.


Next, comes my favorite breed to abuse... the BLONDES.
Words fail me at describing just how annoying these ones are. Sure, you have some not-so-bright people around, that's acceptable and all that. BUT!!! When these exact same ones attempt (and fail miserably) at sounding/acting smart, that's when they should be shown no mercy. At all! They may sound full of confidence, have this "I'm-so-right" tone of voice but what comes out of their mouths totally begs to differ. My favorite solution is to just shoot 'em down and make them realize how truly stupid they are. It's simple. This breed needs no further elaboration. (Or maybe I'm just saying that cause this had turned up to be one LOOONG ass post and I probably lost your attention at the third paragraph.)


Up next, a little mixture of the UNORIGINALS and INSECURE ONES... the FAKES!
At this point of your life, you should already be able to differentiate your TRUE friends and those who simply want to use you to fulfill their own selfish needs. They may smile, act all cheerful infront of you, yet sooner or later you find out this very same person you shared your Kit Kat with is bitching 'bout you behind your back. Yes, gutless I know. They all are. But it is who they are, and there is no helping it. What you need to do, is pinpoint these ones, and give them a dose of their own medicine. Play along to their little scheme (oh yes, they think you know nothing of it) and when the opportunity arises... WHAM! Verbally, physically, virtually (it's your choice. I tend to go with all three) assault them. Being used results in abuse. I belive in the mirror theory - do to others 50 fuckin' times worse as to what they have done to you. Mercy shouldn't even exist in your dictionary when it comes to the Fakes. A sneaky bunch indeed, hard to catch in short periods of time BUT once they give a hint of fakeness, you'll appreciate vengeance more than ever.

And lastly, you have...
THE KIDS
For some weird reason, probably due to nuclear waste, people in the bodies of 'adults' have sickeningly child-like behavior too. Despite having a stable income, owning their own car or hey, maybe even a house... Their mind is frozen at the mindset of a 15 year old.
They have the dumbest conversations, come up with the lamest jokes, get uptight over the smallest things and are commonly pretentious. Getting on their nerve does not prove to be a challenge, so you should use this to your full advantage.

AND THEN WE HAVE THE JEWS!

YOU can do your part in curbing this problem of inferior beings by:

i.) Telling them off in the most sarcastic way possible. (my personal choice of mentally torturing them) Just be brutally honest and voice out what other 'nice' people consider being too "mean" and "heartless". It may be their only chance at realizing who/what they are and by some strange miracle... change.

ii.) Come up with a pop/R&B song (they tend to favor these genres of music) so annoying, their puny brains melt. Then again, aren't they all already annoying?

iii.) Get a friend of yours with STDs (I personally would laugh my ass off at my friend if he DID have STDs,, Captain Herpes! aHAHAaha. Sabertooth crotch crickets! Ahaha! Cough..) to sleep with one of the INSECURE ones. Doing so will unleash a slew of sexually transmitted diseases (if you paid attention, you'll know INSECURE ones sleep around) and they'll all eventually perish. OR you could also present these hoes with a Scout Cap and a picture of you tea-bagging her sister. Why a Scout Cap you ask? The very same reason polar bears wear sunglasses in Coke ads. That's why.


iv.) Tell these people that an Akon concert is taking place, then rent a tank and run over all of them (including Akon) once they're at the concert singing along to.... How am I supposed to know his songs? You frickin' crazy?

I certainly hope this post made up for the Moose's one month of absence. As long as there's something to hate, I shall continue posting and before I end the post, I present to you, my non-existent readers, a poem...

Roses are blue,
Violets are red,
Fuck all those people above,
If you're one, then fuck you too.
I mean seriously, they're a bunch of retards.

Share your success stories with destroying these morons, voice out your opinion on these people or simply present me with your illogical arguments and pointing out of my grammatical mistakes.

With much hate,
- Moose -

I know what I want this Christmas...

Here I am, digesting my roasted pork and rice meal, and I stumble upon something that just made my stomach rumble in hunger.

We are all aware of my passion for Pork, Beer and Pork.

Now, I've travelled the land far and wide, searching for the best Pork dishes around. I've discovered some awesome places, and one more I pledge to visit is "Kristang". As the name suggests, it's a Portuguese restaurant/pub which has amazing pork burgers (so other pork lovers say) with bacon and whatnot in it.

But today, I realize that my appetite for pork can only be fulfilled by one and only one type of pig... the giant Feral pig.




In the words of our departed Steve Irwin... "Crikey! Would you look at the size on that one!?"


In the words of our beloved Fat Bastard... "I want my baby back, baby back, baby back riiiibsss!"

In the words of.... Ah, to Hell with it. No one can describe the beauty of this pig. It could last me a whole 3 days!

Ack... Billy Bob the Hillbilly beat me to it. Never even offered to share, that cunt. Now, I am gonna make sure that one day before my passing, I WILL EAT JOO DAMN FAT PIG!!

Oh, by the way, the pig in the picture above was spotted eating a dead cow...

"The source said the 220kg beast was eating a cow when it was first seen by workers mustering cattle in a helicopter." (News.au)

While we're on the topic of porky fantasies (soon to be reality!), here's another pig I'd wanna eat.

Oh wait... you know what? Here's a better idea, I'd force Porky Pig (I think he'd do it voluntarily though) to mate with Ms. Piggy (from the Muppet show... for you cave dwellers) in a movie.. Maybe a movie like "Plump Fiction".. let them have little piglets.... and THEN I eat them... And then I decide to eat Porky Pig too... and all of a sudden, I start screaming "As they say, there's no better pig than one with a wig" and I gobble Miss Piggy up (while listening to March of the Pigs on my iPod). But not after duelling with her ex husband, Kermit. So, I end up killing Kermit too and since I don't eat frogs, I donate his remains to a Chinese Restaurant. In return for my kindness, Madam Su Lee gives me more pork and the Humper lives happily ever after. What an ending.

Ack! Must have Porkkk!

We're gonna have to lie...

It is common in our society to have men labeled as the more evil one of the two sexes.
Whether a woman cheats, abuses, uses or leeches off a man, the blame most often comes back to men.
To top it off, women have all these NGOs and such to help "protect" their rights in case THEY get abused physically or very recently... emotionally.
Yesh, very soon, it may be an offense for calling your wife ugly...

"Calling your wife ugly to humiliate her may soon be considered an offense under proposed amendments to the Domestic Violence Act 1994." (Star online, May 28th)

The aim of this "very-much-needed" Act? To safeguard these poor helpless, innocent, loyal women from emotional and physical abuse.

I mean, half the women out there do indeed suffer from low self-esteem and insecurity (that explains a lot of their actions ay?) and that leads them to doing things that most of the times, seem sad to others. But nah, now these poor creatures need a proper regulation to help maintain their already fragile emotional state.

What next? An act that disallows criticism of your wife's cooking? An act to make sure that she receives gifts worth RM 2500 or more for her birthday? Nigga prease...
As if the media hasn't done enough to scrape off whatever innocence and individualism they have left in them.

Women aren't always the victims. What happened to this "gender equality" everyone demands for? Why can't there be an act which makes it an offense if your wife says "You have such a huge belly?" or worse... "Stop drinking!"

Idol Stays Straight

If you didn't catch the LIVE finale of American Idol (and missed the replay too), countless Facebook statuses surely must have already given it away. Yes, thank the Lord for people fond of stating the obvious on Facebook.

It came as a shock to many, a relief to some, and well, personally, some just didn't give a rat's ass. So, the judge's personal favorite, Adam Lambert actually wasn't crowned the new American Idol. After everyone, including Jimmy Kimmel, Simon Cowell and a whole other bunch of people expressed their confidence in Adam bagging the title, the not-so-worshiped Kris Allen is the new American Idol. What does this say? I'm guessing not many people were keen on a non-straight guy winning it and maybe the fact that majority of the voters are tween girls could have been the cause too.

Yipee-Ka-Yay. What does Kris Allen winning possibly mean? Well, it means more typical yawn-along songs VERY VERY much similar to that of David Cook or Daughtry. Yeap, if Adam had won, we could've expected something a whole lot more different. Adam was a pioneer, he could take any song and "pimp" the Hell out of it and still make it sound originally awesome.

I'm definitely not looking forward to his album, and heck, I've actually never been a fan of any single idol contestant. But this year, that changed when Adam took the stage. I'd have to call it the most interesting American Idol season so far. Oh well, he's bound to come up with an album anyway, so there's something to look forward to.