Teh Airport

After returning from my BMW Efficient Dynamics trip, which in short involved me flying down to Kuala Terengganu, spending the night at Ri-Yaz, driving the 320d to Port Dickson, spending the night at Thistle, driving the 520d to Penang, getting a massage and flying back to KL. After which, I fell horribly ill after a very, very long time. It could’ve been all that travelling, or the excessive amounts of champagne, whiskey, beers, cheese and meat drenched in grease. Either way, I came back ass-faced, and had a week to recover before my Macau trip. I spent my sickly days staying in bed and finishing up all 5 seasons of Supernatural. Eventually the day of the trip came and while I wasn’t fully recovered, I had no intentions on letting this trip pass me by! It was Macau for Sander’s sake!

Macau… From what I gathered, it was seemingly the Las Vegas of Asia, a place that was synonymous with casinos, gambling and other family attractions like strip bars, saunas, table top dancers and live shows… and that was pretty much it, really. I’m not one to lay judgements before the actual experience itself, so on I headed to Macau with the best set of mind frame any first-time traveller should possess – an open one. Along with what anyone travelling to Macau should bring along – shit loads of cash. It IS sin city, trust me.

If you don't get laid in Macau, drown yourself here

I called up a cab and made the necessary arrangements. The flight according to the Macau Government Tourism Office (MGTO) representative was at 1.30 p.m, so I left my house at around 11.15 or so. Unless I was travelling the Flintstone way or using my pet cow Jerky as a mode of transport, I knew there was ample time for me to reach, grab a coffee or something, check-in and board the plane. I was wrong. The cab came on time, sure. I reached the airport at 12, and I called the MGTO rep and was told to proceed to counter R35. There I was melting in my jacket, carrying a laptop and hand luggage while pulling a heavy bag behind me, looking for a non-existent check-in counter. I passed row A, B… all the way to J and that’s where it ended. Suddenly a dreadful wave of realisation hit me… I shakily searched for the sheet of paper containing my flight info and to my horror discovered I just had a _________ (insert Bimbo name. E.g. Paris Hilton) moment.

I named my pet Zebra, 'spot'


I was in the wrong fuckin’ airport. I was supposed to be in LCCT… I rushed three floors down, paid over 40 bucks for a cab and rushed over there. I reached at about 12.20 and as I reached the REAL counter… it was closed. Or there was a midget working behind there. The latter proved fictional. It really was closed. Finally someone saw me and came over.

Dude: “Where do you want to go sir?”
Me: “I’m here for the Macau flight at 1.30…”
Dude: “1.30? Uh… there is no flight at 1.30 sir. The flight is at 1 p.m.”
Me: (looks at the itinerary followed by shrinking of testicles)
Me: “Can I check in?”
Dude: (looks at watch)
Dude: “I’m sorry sir. You’ll have to go to the service counter at the end of this row.”
Me: (runs to the service counter in an almost Hindi-movie like scene)

There, I see this half-assed looking dude behind the counter, taking his sweet time, being the stereotypical local while there I stood, hungry, sweaty, and with my bladder being an ass of all times. Luckily there was this lady standing in front of me and I used my Moose charm on her, so she happily allowed me to go before her. In return for the favour, she gave me her number and address. No, I kid. She was old. But nice. No! Not nice physically, I mean… Moving on.
I reached the counter, and I was given a cock stare…

“You baru sampai?”
“Uh no. I was actually here at 10 a.m., but I thought I’d wait till the utmost last minute before checking in cause cheap thrills like those make my day,” was what I would’ve said if I had time… or if he’d actually understand that. So, instead I gave him a blatant “yea…” and I was told that I could no longer check in my huge ass of a bag.

He gave me the boarding pass and I ran like a… thing that runs fast… to Gate 11. I was panting, sweating and it was fuckin’ 12.43! That hoe that specialises in making the lives of latecomers like me was already announcing that passengers had to board the plane. Or else… She didn’t exactly add that part, but I was paranoid. To make matters worse, for the luggage check-in, I had a bunch of Indonesians in front of me. Yipee… That meant EXTRA thorough bag invading by the security officers, which meant more time wasted. They had bottles filled with weird pills, tubes and all that. I was panicking cause I too had lubes… I mean, some after-shave in tubes and whatnot in my bag. But heyyy, whaddya know? I wasn’t stopped! I continued my running to Gate 11, where that hoe was still with the “last call” crap. But you know what? I was there! I had effin’ made it!

*bag snaps* Okay… I was ALMOST there. Why of all times, must my feckin’ heavy, prehistoric luggage give way now?! Oh, cause it’s prehistoric that’s why. Thanks a lot for the bag, mum.
I eventually make my way on the plane, sweating, smelling and hungry as fuck! For three hours I had to endure my own bodily stench and the dude beside me either:

a.) passed out from it
b.) was really tired
c.) wanted the journey to end quick

But I didn’t give a rat’s ass. I made it! I was going to Macau, baybeh! And oh by the way, after all that rushing… the plane was delayed anyway. Why? Cause’ there were two more passengers who were late, and who did not take part in the airport triathlon like I did. Asswipes…

Forewarned about the harsh cold weather conditions during November, I arrived at the Macau International Airport prepared with jackets, sweaters and all those other forms of clothing that I usually wouldn’t be seen in unless you paid me lots of money. As I was checking in the Macau International Airport, I hand this lady my passport, all smiles, being all cheerful cause I was in a new place, doing my very best to shine with my ‘happy-tourist’ vibes… but she changed that. I handed her my passport, and see, the picture of me in my passport was that of me back when I had spiky hair. She looked up at me, grinning at her stupidly… and she pointed at the passport and said “Hair ah?” No, you slit-eyed hoe. That’s a porcupine. After much hair modelling and repositioning, she was finally convinced but not before I muttered “fuckin ridiculous” and gave her a dirty look. There, I felt better. Airports really weren’t my thing.

The weather in Macau this time around could reach 10 degrees Celsius, which from my experience could make any nipple pointy and huge noses like mine frosty. But it also made it the perfect weather to commute around Macau in what would be my favourite mode of transport – by foot. There was actually so much more to the city than just tall, flashy buildings with neon lights, flashing women and fancy lobbies and boobies. Like… more boobies, pole dancing and well, you’ll see…

Go thatta way to Grand Lisboa

Pee-tiful Pee-ple

Day after day, millions of people leave their jobs (and toilets) for a serious reason... Toilet hygiene. The art of peeing INSIDE the toilet bowl is almost as hard as predicting when Christmas is every year and thus, professional help was sought. Toilet ethics expert, The Moose has now released the answer to every half-witted mongrel son of a whelp who is incapable of holding his member in his hand and aiming for the toilet bowl instead of spraying it anywhere and everywhere AROUND the toilet bowl. One would assume that only children below the age of 10 would suffer from this severe case of stupidity, but alas, adults have proven to be the majority of the culprits. Bearing that in mind, renowned author The Moose has written an exclusive book aimed at schooling and once and for all, solving this nationwide plague.



"An amazing read! Suitable for both parents AND their kids! The Moose has done it again!" - KL Times


"A best-seller! And it saved my marriage!" - ex half-witted mongrel


"You... you can do that!? This is magical! Look! No more pee stains!" - YOU


"A highly recommended read for everyone! Especially those with penises and half a brain." - Ben. T Johnson

Something Fishy

I was reading the news (yes, again. I should really stop. It's destroying my mind) and one article was about this Beluga whale which saved a drowning woman.

Here's what the article from news.com.au read:

Yang Yun was taking part in a free-diving contest at Polar Land in Harbin, north-east China, in which participants were required to sink seven metres to the bottom of a pool and stay there for as long as possible without the aid of breathing equipment.

Ms Yun, 26, thought she was going to die amid the beluga whales she shared the arctic pool with, after struggling to move her legs while trying to kick her way to the surface.

"I began to choke and sank even lower and I thought that was it for me - I was dead,” she told The Sun.

“Until I felt this incredible force under me driving me to the surface."

That “incredible force” was Mila, a beluga whale which had noticed her distress and clamped its jaws around her leg.

Using her sensitive nose, Mila drove Ms Yun carefully to the surface, to the amazement of onlookers and an underwater photographer who captured the entire incident on film.

Yang Yun later met up with some of her fishermen homies, caught the whale and had sushi for dinner later that night.
Well, that's just what I think, but my point is, these gentle creatures mean no harm to humans in any way... Yet they are hunted, butchered, slaughtered while others are kept in captivity, taken away from their families.
That's just disheartening and inhumane if you ask me. These creatures are incapable of feeling hatred nor do they hold grudges against humans... The very same morons who kill and capture them. So, once again, humanity and its selfishness has done well to sicken me.

LEAVE THEM WHALES ALONE!!!

Right, as if this post is actually gonna make a difference and save the whales... But heck, I believe that even small steps can eventually make a difference. Sign petitions, jump in the ocean and throw a harpoon at whale hunters... anything. Join the Moose in the fight against Whale Hunting.

This public service announcement is brought to you by:

The Moose

Pathetic Beings - A Study

Pardon the sudden disappearance of the Moose. What with work and all, finding the time to write on yet another platform really seems impossible if not painful. But then, I realise that heyy, half the shit I write is related to what I despise/hate/loathe. Take your pick.
And it would be so totally wrong of me to just provide no form of recognition whatsoever to these things I dislike so much, now wouldn't it?
With that being said, I now present you my latest topic of hatred - The Human Race.


Before I begin this passionate piece of work, let me say this, dissing the entire Human Race would be stupid, for indeed there exist people who actually are decent, possess the ability to think rationally and well, don't act like complete ignorant asses.
HOWEVER, these are only a minority, and the streets of Malaysia (and globally) are unfortunately flooded with mindless, incompetent droids.

For the past month or so, I've met some really strange people and being me, I do not shy away from speaking my mind.



SIMON SAYS...
First you have the predictable bunch of retards...
These people stand there, totally influenced by the media and have no personal opinion and having their own stand is something unthinkable if not taboo. They, (just like a flock of sheep following its shepherd) follow what society deems right and just by taking a look around you (yes, right now. Go on, look around you), you would almost surely find a few. What are they listening to? Oh, those very same songs the radio repeats 167693513 times a day? That's just one of many symptoms these "breed" of people have. The next, slightly more complex trait would be their reaction to any given situation... Or their response for that matter.
Ask them what they think about MJ's death? Be prepared for the very same response nearly everyone on your Facebook account used as their personal status.
Give them a magazine, watch as they skim through and almost immediately head for articles on celebrities, parties or the latest fashion. To them, knowledge on these is far more vital than reading anything that interests THEMSELVES. They need to know what other people find interesting, they need to like what others like, they need to be what others are. In the end, wave goodbye to individualism and give a warm, disgusted welcome to yet another mindless, predictable pansy. I'm not complaining however, cause they are so easily manipulated. You can read their next moves, you know how they will react and with that knowledge in hand, *tadaa* you are now the proud owner of your very own droid.


And then we have the UN-ORIGINALS..
Somewhat similar to the followers of "Simon Says..." these people have no personal characteristics. They're merely a mimicry of people they see (in real life or in the big screen) of which they label as "acceptable" in society. They rehearse jokes they either get from movies, the latest stand-up they stood up all night watching, or from another friend. Then, they go around repeating the joke, taking the credit for it and that in turn, (strangely) gives them a great sense of accomplishment. Half the things they say aren't anything they themselves come up with. They do not dress, talk, walk or act in a way they are comfortable with. Oh no, they consider doing that unacceptable and feel that by being themselves, they risk being social outcasts. Some speak with an accent (I'm sure you know of a few), some get tattoos (or in the case of girls, they get tramp stamps) that carry no personal message at all. They're just doing it cause "Hey, everyone else is doing it. I need... I MUST blend in." Little do they know, that the simple act of being themselves would get them real results.

The next bunch are rather scary... I'm gonna call them the INSECURE ONES.
Oh, where do I even begin? I'll start with the nerds. You sometimes see them in your class (if you're still in college), sitting right in front, hands raised at every question the lecturer shoots, and are usually the top-scoring students. Reputable indeed, but when they're smart YET insecure, that's when you hear of bully cases happening. You see, to these fellas sharing knowledge, helping other "not-so-book-smart" students or simply socializing with people who do not score straight A's would bring great shame to them and what they stand for. (which is usually close to nothing) Instead, they tend to stick to their own little posse, sharing notes and information among themselves, conveniently forgetting to inform their classmates about that stupid replacement class on Saturday or that assignment that was due last week. They just feel that they are of a higher social status and the very thought of being associated with the "others" is pointless. Crazy, even. And for you working bunch, you get these kind of people too. Almost similar to college nerds, these fellas try to sabotage your career, try to spread rumors or may act all friendly at first, but with not-so-noble intentions at heart. The reason may be 'cause you scare the living shit out of them and they know you will eventually go further than them, so before this happens, they do their very best to dishearten you and try to unethically rid of any competition. Regardless of it being healthy competition or not. Instead of bowing down and wanting to learn from people who are better than them, their ego gets dramatically challenged and this "I'm the shit" mentality takes over, leading to their own downfall eventually. Now that we've covered those, let's move on to insecure girls.
You usually find these ones posting a shit load of self-pics (or in a more politically correct term - camwhore pics) from every possible angle, color, effect, clothing, facial expression and location to eventually find that one or two (Okay, fine. Maybe 3) pictures in which they get the most comments saying "U look good bebz! ;)" followed by a little "whore-celebration-dance" cause someone actually checked them out. When a chance like this does not arise, they resort to other means of attention seeking, may it be intolerable levels of flirting, fishing for compliments or the most common case, cheating. It may be with an ex, a guy who "is only a close friend" and all that. Ah, what a load of crap. We all know these people are stored there for a reason. When that little pimple pops up, or all that gobbling of Mc Donalds takes its toll and a few extra pounds come visit, the insecurity strikes back. The solution? Attention from other guys which would feed their pitiful low self-esteem and put the fake impression that they actually "still got game" and found to be desirable by others. Good Lord, you see how dependant they are on others to feel secure and confident? That's the insecure ones for you.


Next, comes my favorite breed to abuse... the BLONDES.
Words fail me at describing just how annoying these ones are. Sure, you have some not-so-bright people around, that's acceptable and all that. BUT!!! When these exact same ones attempt (and fail miserably) at sounding/acting smart, that's when they should be shown no mercy. At all! They may sound full of confidence, have this "I'm-so-right" tone of voice but what comes out of their mouths totally begs to differ. My favorite solution is to just shoot 'em down and make them realize how truly stupid they are. It's simple. This breed needs no further elaboration. (Or maybe I'm just saying that cause this had turned up to be one LOOONG ass post and I probably lost your attention at the third paragraph.)


Up next, a little mixture of the UNORIGINALS and INSECURE ONES... the FAKES!
At this point of your life, you should already be able to differentiate your TRUE friends and those who simply want to use you to fulfill their own selfish needs. They may smile, act all cheerful infront of you, yet sooner or later you find out this very same person you shared your Kit Kat with is bitching 'bout you behind your back. Yes, gutless I know. They all are. But it is who they are, and there is no helping it. What you need to do, is pinpoint these ones, and give them a dose of their own medicine. Play along to their little scheme (oh yes, they think you know nothing of it) and when the opportunity arises... WHAM! Verbally, physically, virtually (it's your choice. I tend to go with all three) assault them. Being used results in abuse. I belive in the mirror theory - do to others 50 fuckin' times worse as to what they have done to you. Mercy shouldn't even exist in your dictionary when it comes to the Fakes. A sneaky bunch indeed, hard to catch in short periods of time BUT once they give a hint of fakeness, you'll appreciate vengeance more than ever.

And lastly, you have...
THE KIDS
For some weird reason, probably due to nuclear waste, people in the bodies of 'adults' have sickeningly child-like behavior too. Despite having a stable income, owning their own car or hey, maybe even a house... Their mind is frozen at the mindset of a 15 year old.
They have the dumbest conversations, come up with the lamest jokes, get uptight over the smallest things and are commonly pretentious. Getting on their nerve does not prove to be a challenge, so you should use this to your full advantage.

AND THEN WE HAVE THE JEWS!

YOU can do your part in curbing this problem of inferior beings by:

i.) Telling them off in the most sarcastic way possible. (my personal choice of mentally torturing them) Just be brutally honest and voice out what other 'nice' people consider being too "mean" and "heartless". It may be their only chance at realizing who/what they are and by some strange miracle... change.

ii.) Come up with a pop/R&B song (they tend to favor these genres of music) so annoying, their puny brains melt. Then again, aren't they all already annoying?

iii.) Get a friend of yours with STDs (I personally would laugh my ass off at my friend if he DID have STDs,, Captain Herpes! aHAHAaha. Sabertooth crotch crickets! Ahaha! Cough..) to sleep with one of the INSECURE ones. Doing so will unleash a slew of sexually transmitted diseases (if you paid attention, you'll know INSECURE ones sleep around) and they'll all eventually perish. OR you could also present these hoes with a Scout Cap and a picture of you tea-bagging her sister. Why a Scout Cap you ask? The very same reason polar bears wear sunglasses in Coke ads. That's why.


iv.) Tell these people that an Akon concert is taking place, then rent a tank and run over all of them (including Akon) once they're at the concert singing along to.... How am I supposed to know his songs? You frickin' crazy?

I certainly hope this post made up for the Moose's one month of absence. As long as there's something to hate, I shall continue posting and before I end the post, I present to you, my non-existent readers, a poem...

Roses are blue,
Violets are red,
Fuck all those people above,
If you're one, then fuck you too.
I mean seriously, they're a bunch of retards.

Share your success stories with destroying these morons, voice out your opinion on these people or simply present me with your illogical arguments and pointing out of my grammatical mistakes.

With much hate,
- Moose -

I know what I want this Christmas...

Here I am, digesting my roasted pork and rice meal, and I stumble upon something that just made my stomach rumble in hunger.

We are all aware of my passion for Pork, Beer and Pork.

Now, I've travelled the land far and wide, searching for the best Pork dishes around. I've discovered some awesome places, and one more I pledge to visit is "Kristang". As the name suggests, it's a Portuguese restaurant/pub which has amazing pork burgers (so other pork lovers say) with bacon and whatnot in it.

But today, I realize that my appetite for pork can only be fulfilled by one and only one type of pig... the giant Feral pig.




In the words of our departed Steve Irwin... "Crikey! Would you look at the size on that one!?"


In the words of our beloved Fat Bastard... "I want my baby back, baby back, baby back riiiibsss!"

In the words of.... Ah, to Hell with it. No one can describe the beauty of this pig. It could last me a whole 3 days!

Ack... Billy Bob the Hillbilly beat me to it. Never even offered to share, that cunt. Now, I am gonna make sure that one day before my passing, I WILL EAT JOO DAMN FAT PIG!!

Oh, by the way, the pig in the picture above was spotted eating a dead cow...

"The source said the 220kg beast was eating a cow when it was first seen by workers mustering cattle in a helicopter." (News.au)

While we're on the topic of porky fantasies (soon to be reality!), here's another pig I'd wanna eat.

Oh wait... you know what? Here's a better idea, I'd force Porky Pig (I think he'd do it voluntarily though) to mate with Ms. Piggy (from the Muppet show... for you cave dwellers) in a movie.. Maybe a movie like "Plump Fiction".. let them have little piglets.... and THEN I eat them... And then I decide to eat Porky Pig too... and all of a sudden, I start screaming "As they say, there's no better pig than one with a wig" and I gobble Miss Piggy up (while listening to March of the Pigs on my iPod). But not after duelling with her ex husband, Kermit. So, I end up killing Kermit too and since I don't eat frogs, I donate his remains to a Chinese Restaurant. In return for my kindness, Madam Su Lee gives me more pork and the Humper lives happily ever after. What an ending.

Ack! Must have Porkkk!

New Alarm System

The Fluffster was reading the news when he stumbled upon one that read:

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

After a series of burglaries, owners of businesses in Split, Croatia, have put life-sized cutouts of the kung-fu action man in their windows.

An accompanying sign in each window reads, "This shop is under the protection of Chuck Norris."

There hasn't been a single burglary since. (NY Post)

This does NOT however give Humpathon readers the right to start commenting with lame-ass Chuck Norris jokes. We've heard em' all. Save it.

Elsewhere, random girl tells random Moose that she "Has just gotten her lil one circumsised"..

Random Moose says he always knew she had a penis..

Speaking of dicks...

A man who underwent penis-enlargement surgery in Russia came back to doctors a month later begging them to undo it because he was too big.

"He said no woman wants to be with him anymore," a doctor said. "If there was a surgery to enlarge brains, we would offer him a free trial." (NY Post)

And you guys wonder why I'm losing faith in humanity one moron at a time...

The Disappearance

My fellow Humplings, I must express my sincerest apologies (or "a thousand apologies" in that thick Indian accent from Mind Your Language.. whichever wins you over) for my absence.
There was a valid reason for this though.

I was recently offered this 2 week part-time job thingy at "this optical lens company" which cannot be named for stupid reasons, and since I had nothing better to do besides filling myself up with alcohol, I took it. Plus, the pay was a reasonable sum of RM 70 per day.
Now, what I had to do was call up all the Optical outlets such as England Optical, Optical 88 bla bla bla, introduce myself, and tell them that I'm conducting a customer satisfaction survey.
After each sentence I read out, they would have to give it a rating of 1-5; 1 being extremely unsatisfied and... ah, you get it. But trust me, the people I called, simply could not follow this "complicated" rating system.

Now, the first thing I asked my supervisor prior to accepting the job was, "Are you sure they will be able to comprehend the survey script?" She was like "Oh, of coursseee! They can, they can." I wasn't convinced, but utter boredom got the best of me and I took the job.

I don't drive, so to get to that blinking office, I have to take not one, not two, but three flipping buses. As if that wasn't tiring enough... the people that I called... were complete dumb fucks. Yes, the next time you go to one of those outlets, either;

a.) Point at him and yell "Douche!" (They won't get it, trust me)
b.) Throw eggs at them OR
c.) Go in and put on your most fake English accent and ask them questions using "bombastic" words such as... "satisfaction"..

My target at the end of ten days, was to call 120 outlets. Sounds simple enough, I thought to myself. Each call was "supposedly" to only last for 15 minutes max... In an hour, I could easily finish 4, and if I were a lil' lazy, even 3 calls would be sufficient.
Guess I learnt otherwise... My first call took 18 minutes.

Me: "Hello, I'm calling from _________ and I'm CONDUCTING a customer SATISFACTION survey to help improve our services. The survey will take less than 15 mins. Would you like to PARTICIPATE in it now?"
(the words in bold, struck fear in the hearts of the workers in the outlet and are possibly the longest words they have ever had thrown at them.)

Dumb fuck client: "Uhhh... sur... sir... service ah?"

Me: "No, it's a survey. It's a set of sentences actually, then all you need to do is rate it after I'm done reading it out to you"

D.F Client: "You wan do the servings ah? You how on ah, I caww my supervisor"....

____________________________________________________________________________________________

That was one example. Then you have the morons who, after listening to such "scary" English words, use the excuse of having customers to deal with, and then hang up.
Others, pass the phone around till I get fed up and just move on to the next... pathetic optical outlet worker. Yes, I now have added them to the list of my Hate List. Congrats, and for these people, I can... and already have taken action.
The people who were particularly rude, were pleasantly put on my prank-call victim list.

Now, being one who says it as it is, sarcastic and all... Imagine how hard it was for me to resist the urge to lash out at their idiocy and utter lack of intelligence. Well, I did (if anyone from the company is reading this... i MAY have) and it felt good as Hell.

The best part was, after the second day, I couldn't take it any longer, so I told my supervisor I wanted to quit. She had no one else to rely on, (probably cause everyone else is smarter than I am, they knew better than to accept the job)... so we came to an agreement. I would work from home, make the calls using i-Talk, then claim the expenditure back.. Hey, that sounded a LOT more easier. I woke up when I wanted to (Once again, if there is anyone from that company reading it.. I actually didn't. I just want to sound cool to my readers.. Cough.), I went out, and reduced the call time from 18 fucking minutes to.. 3 minutes. Yes, I am indeed a miracle worker. I first had to rephrase, and re-rephrase the sentences, explain each line, repeat it 2 or 3 times.. but I soon developed a method, using the simplest words, and that saved a lot of time.

Imagine, some idiots found it hard to remember the rating scheme.... How hard is it to remember 1 is extremely unsatisfied, and 5 (any retard could guess.. but not these ones) simply means (once again... for emphasis... D'OH!) extremely satisfied! God damn people!

Well, just my luck. I think the 10 days stressed the fuck out of me, and as soon as the horror was over... I felt ill. And not just any common sickness... I had measles. Whoop-dee-doo!
One week I was quarantined at home, with sore throat, flu, joint aches, fever, tearing eyes... No appetite too. And for those of you who haven't seen me, I CANNOT afford to NOT have an appetite.

SO, that eventually came to an end after one week. I had the Sunburst Concert to look forward to. Korn frigging nailed it! To see them upfront, in real life... to look under Jonathan Davis's kilt (Ok, maybe not that part)... Woah, such an amazing feeling. They played most of my favourite songs too! Blind, Here to Stay, Right Now, Freak on a Leash, Coming Undone...
My hard-rock concert and mosh pit virginity was finally taken away from me. Yesh, mosh pit.
I must say, I've never been a fan of the local music scene, but Estranged is one Hell of a good band! Then there were the Indonesian bands too, like Nidji and Agrikulture.
Agrikulture's lead singer reminded me so much of Dave Grohl. He was up on stage, in his boxers, humping the stage light, climbing up a 10 feet railing and singing. Talk about entertainment!

I might upload some videos and stuff later on, cause as of now, I'm bloody lazy.
Well, that's just an update of why I've been missing. Good to be back, and free of phone calls and Measles.

Cheers!

Evolution of online Laughs

Under normal circumstances, a human's laugh would sound something like "Ahahaha!" or "ehehehe"... So fine, till the 1980's when online, and humoured, individuals tend to use those sounds of laughter to signify that something is funny.

Then in 1990, came the "lol"... Which puzzled many. Just what was this weird language, usually used when a joke is thrown around. Through research, it was discovered that "lol" is actually an acronym for Laugh-Out-Loud.

1998: Soon, nerds all around felt the need to come up with their own version of an online method of depicting laughter. They added either a "z" or "x" after "lol". (Note: This has been mentioned is one of my early posts)

E.g: lol + x = LoLx!!!

The reason for adding the "x" or "z" remains a mystery till now, but some have said it has to do with the boost of self-esteem for nerds, actually making them feel accepted in the society and labeled as "cool". lolx!

2000: The more advanced nerds came up with longer acronyms (doesn't that contradict the whole purpose of acronyms?) for "lol" with "ROFL" which translates to "roll on the floor laughing".. An acronym commonly used for more than normal funny moments.

How to perform a "ROFL"

Soon, "ROFL" evolved into "Roflcopter" in 2001, and sightings of "roflwafflecopter" and "rofflewaffle" have been reported throughout the years.



This is an artist's impersonation of what a "ROFLCOPTER" is believed to look like.
Other nations have sent in complaints, saying that no coverage was given to their national online laugh.

Hence, I present to you, a few examples of online laughs from around the world:

Brazil: Ahueaheahehau
Philippines: Jajajajaja
Malaysia: Lolxz
England: Har Har
North Pole: Hohohoho
Iraq: ...

2008: Recently, the latest online laugh craze is a weird evolution of "lol" simply transformed to "LawL"... My research team around the globe are clueless as to what this prolonged acronym could actually mean.
My personal take is that its actually short for 'Look At Wet Lesbians". In which case, I'm definitely supporting it.

A presumed definition of "LawL"

What we can be sure of is one thing, the evolution continues, and it's just a matter of time before another new and "trendy" illogical, nonsensical acronym for online laughter comes up.
Till then, keep humping! Lawlxxx

Gran Torino

When news spread of Clint Eastwood's new movie, I knew I just had to watch it. Was it cause of all of his previous movies that mad it big? Was it cause he was a legendary actor? Hell no. I heard he played a racist in the movie, and that caught my interest. The last movie I watched about a racist, was Lakeview Terrace, a mothafuckin movie in which da mothafuckin Samuel L. Jackass acts in. For those of you who haven't watched it, here's a word of advise... DON"T.
So anyway, back to Gran Torino, starring Clint Eastwood, some Hmongs, a toad and its sister... OH and Daisy. The Labrador who I feel, was the best actress throughout the movie.

Now, Clint Eastwood plays the role of Walt, a Korean War veteran, who only had his wife, his Gran Torino, Daisy and his rifle as his purpose for living. He loathed everything else, his nephews and their "gadgets", his sons who are too busy living a suburban life and of course his multi-ethnic neighbourhood, where Hmongs, Latinos, Indians and Jamaicans live. You may not have seen the Jamaicans, but it's common knowledge that they're everywhere, spreading the word of Ja... and other smokey substances.
Just for the record, I bet Walt hates centipedes, raisins, pineapples, Elmo and boybands as well.

Now back to the movie... His wife passes away, and the already grumpy old man, bypasses the grumpy limit and soon, starts snarling his way back home. To his disgust, he notices a bunch of Hmongs moving in next door and he glances at them with the dirty look. *snarls*
Now, the Hmong family, (which is friggin huge, it's a wonder how they all cram up in that little house) mainly consists of Mama Hmong, Granny Hmong (who bitches bout Walt in her mother tongue constantly), Toad and Sue. Toad has a cousin living in the neighborhood, and he's all "gangstah", and one day, while Toad is being verbally harassed by a bunch of racist Latinos, the cousin and his Hmong homies step in and shoo the Latinos away. Soon, they grow an odd attachment to the kid, and constantly visit his home, asking Toad to come out and play with them. Toad declines politely, saying he has better things to do like gardening and washing the dishes, but the Hmong gangstahs are ever so persistent. Eventually, Toad agrees to play with them, and as his initiation he has to steal Walt's Gran Torino. No surprise, he gets caught and Walt's hatred towards the Hmong grows *snarls*.. The Hmong gangstahs have now grown very attached to Toad, and insist that he plays with them everyday... He says "No", they get insulted and use the mature Hmong method of dealing with the problem... They try to kidnap him. This leads to a huge Hmong family drama worthy of air by Zee TV, and all that ruckus awakens Walt. He steps out to see what happens, sees his murdered garden Gnome, gets his gun and asks the Hmongs to step off his lawn. He also said "I used to stack your people 5 feet up and use them as sandbags, and I'd gladly do the same to you"... *snarls*

The next day, the Hmong takes Walt's hostility the wrong way, and instead of staying away from him... they start worshiping him as the Toad hero. They bring him offerings of food, flowers, rat droppings and young Hmong virgins. He said "Fuck No" to everything except, yep... you guessed it. The rat droppings. Who can resist that? Common...

While all of this is going on, a clingy priest constantly visits Walt, trying to convince him to go for a confession (cause he promised Walt's wife that he would before she died), and to get him to kidnap the young Hmong boy for who knows what reason. *snarls*

So anyway, one day while Sue is walking with her Eminem-wannabe date, they get harassed by a bunch of... Argh, fine. "African Americans"... The white boi goes all "Yow dawg, it's cool bro" and shit.. which is a death wish, but he doesn't know it. The... screw it. Black dudes get all horny on that fine Asian chick and before it goes further, Walt stops his car by the side.
Steps down... Everythin's silent.. then with that typical grim, Clint Eastwood look on his face shoots a tacky line. "Ever notice how you come across somebody once in a while that you shouldn't have fucked with?" *spits* "That's me.." Then he takes out a gun, and the "dawgs" back up (why weren't they carrying a gun?) and Sue is all appreciative. Soon, Sue and Walt hit it off... In a innocent way, otherwise it would've been too gross even for me. And Walt spits out another tacky line... One which anyone would say to someone whom you first hate, and then suddenly you're ok with... "You know something kid... You're alright."
Soon, Walt gets acquainted with the Hmong family and he goes for their BBQ party, tries to hit on the grandma, but she hates his gut... And as compensation for Toad's attempt to steal Walt's car, Mama Hmong does what every mother would do and offers Toad as a slave for one week to Walt. Walt goes "Booya!" not before snarling of course, and makes the kid his beeyatch. But soon... (and who would've guessed) they start bonding, and he even finds the kid a job at a construction site. Throughout the movie, Walt throws racist names and comments like a slut who throws herself around everywhere... One of the good ones was when Walt and Toad are shopping in a hardware shop and Toad asks what are they doin there.
Walt says "What? You gonna carry your tools in a rice bag?" Ahahahah!

One day, while returning from his manly job, the Toad gets jumped by the Hmong Gangstahs... Walt finds out, gets all defensive and goes to their residence and beats the living crap out of one of the gang members. That night, they took revenge in the form of a drive-by shooting of Toad's house and... they raped Sue.
This got Walt all Hulk-ish, and... goes for a hair-cut, gets a new suit, finally makes the priest happy and goes for a confession.

WARNING: Spoiler Below. Those who haven't watched the movie, pls read on.

Toad thought Walt and him were gonna get revenge together, but instead, Toad gets locked up in the basement... Walt passes his dog, Daisy to the noisy Hmong grandma as his last attempt on hitting on her (but he still failed) and he goes over to where the Hmong gangstahs live. He talks some cock, takes out a ciggy, all the while the gang is freaked out, having their guns pointed at him... And Walt asks for a light. The puzzled gang thinks Walt's up to something and they leave their guns pointed at him. As soon as Walt reaches into his coat for his... * BHAM BHAM BHAM BHAM *
What the eff happened? Walt crumbles to the ground... with a lighter in hand. The same one he had since 1951. He was unarmed, and what he did...how he got killed.. was witnessed by all the neighbors, and eventually the gang gets arrested.

Can't a man light his cigarette without gettin shot?

It's a touching tale.. of an old man, who lost his love, was all grumpy, eventually let the people he despises into his life. But then gets hurt. Now, the whole story idea was okay, but the acting had room for improvement. Great work on the racist name calling though, and just for you Humpathon readers, I'm gonna list down most of it.

Walt Says:

- Zipper Heads
- Egg Roll
- Gooks
- Fish Heads
- Spooks
- Serpent Head
- Shrimp Dick
- Click-Clack-Ding-Dong
- Dragon Lady
- Calls a Hmong girl "Ms. Yum Yum" instead of her real name, Youa... and "Toad" instead of Thao.


Rating: 6/10
Best Bit: All the name calling parts and the scene where he teaches Toad to talk like a man at the barbershop.

I'll Flack Her Anyday

Ah yes, the American Idol fever is back, and I must say, this season looks pretty promising.
We have the bikini girl, that psycho Alexis who came back with a new take on life... well, till she got 4 "No's" that is... I think there are a few homo's. That Jose chap is one of 'em.
Now, my votes (and eyes, and...) go for Sarah Rose Flack.
Yup, the hippie gal! She was a true charmer, with her hippie'ish attire, dread-lock'ish hair... and to top it off, her voice is friggin' awesome.
She comes from a troubled past, with both her parents having passed away while she was very young, having led to Rose and her brother being adopted by a family, who's supporting her 100% all the way.
She nailed it at the auditions, and did it again today in the first Hollywood audition at the Kodak Theater. I got rather worried at first, cause she lost her confidence and was having vocal problems during practice... All went well for Rose though, and she's got my vote throughout the blinking season.
I also like Megan Corkrey. The 23 year old mum...? Tattoo on her whole right arm? (or most of it) No? Dang it. Well, she's good and so is that pink-haired, punk/rock girl. And the only guy who get's my vote is the dude who sang Kiss from a Rose today. He lost his wife recently, but that's not the reason he's got my vote. He has a good voice... and isn't gay looking.

On another note... I was watching One in a Million the other day... A Malaysian "talent" show.. somewhat like Akademi Fantasia and Malaysian Idol I guess. Now, as if through the other two shows it wasn't obvious enough that Malaysia lacks good singers... They have this crappy show, with surprise, surprise "Paul Moss" as the white judge, who criticizes people with some of the EXACT same comments as Simon Cowell does. Seriously, even the tone is the same, the facial expression... the hand gestures. Cut the crap and be original for Moose's sake!

The Case of the Handphones

Since the invention of the phone by Alber... I mean Alexander Graham Bell, men have been miraculously been able to communicate with people further than their front door. Way, way further. Not, not across the road you twit. Across oceans, to other countries even!
Yes... The normal phone soon evolved into cordless phones, then came hand phones and then evil was created via Nokia, Sony Ericsson, Samsung, LG who suck your money dry by adding video, camera, internet and other functions to mobile phones, using advertisements of "cool" and "hip" teenagers wearing 3 layers of clothing (although they're in Malaysia, under the hot stinkin sun, and come to think of it, why do none of those kids look Malaysian? Oh, right. The "eurasian" look sells.. but back to where we suddenly drifted off..)
Ah, I should stop that. Long sentences tend to make me forget what I was saying. My point is, now phones are more of a trend than a neccesity.
Some of us have learnt to accept this technologically advanced invention, and understand its functions... You know, like being able to talk to friends/family who are far, far away...
HOWEVER, there exists a bunch of people who simply cannot digest the fact that people far away, can actually hear you through this rectangular wonder that is the mobile phone. (Yes yes fine..or PDAs, iPhones... you brats)
These confused hobbits have the tendency to shout... and I mean... really... yell into their phones. It's either that or they want everyone to hear about this "cool" weekend they have planned ahead which 'surprise, surprise' involves alcohol and clubbing at the most "happening" club in _________. (Enter location, cause this shit happens everywhere. Except in Ipoh.. they don't have clubs there. They party in Caves)
Now, I was baffled. Don't these people realize that they sound completely bonkers screaming "HUH!? PETER DID WHA...!? I ALWAYS KNEW HE PERVERT "WOR".. AHAHAH! YAH LA YAH LA! YAM CHAAA AHH? OKIE SET BRUDERRRR! AH I ON THE WAY I ON THE WAY!"

If YOU happen to be one of those turds mentioned above, how bout you try this... The next time you're on the phone, in the middle of your shouting match, whisper this:
"and you're a cock sucker..."
E.g "HUH!? PETER DID WHA...!? I ALWAYS KNEW HE PERVERT "WOR".. and you're a cock sucker...AHAHAH! YAH LA YAH LA! YAM CHAAA AHH? OKIE SET BRUDERRRR! AH I ON THE WAY I ON THE WAY!"
If the person on the other line goes "What fuck you bastard guy!?" It proves that you do NOT need to yell into that blinking phone and scare the living shit out of a guy while he's trying to get into the pants of a hot girl...

Shit Song: January

As usual, the stinkin radios just like most clubs play songs that are detrimental to society AND repeat em' over and over again...

What makes it suck even more is when the songs make no sense.
Let's take a recap on songs that fall under the "What-the-flippin-Eff-does-this-mean" category...

1.) Control Myself - El Loser Uncool Jackshit
The part that hits everyone's nerves: "Zezeze zezeze zezezeze"
El Loser proudly displays his dysfunctional linguistic skills here by sayin stuff that makes no sense what-so-ever... and his groupies swallow it all in and start "reporting to the dance floor.." as he instructs.

2.) Right thurr - Clingy Chingy
The part that hits everyone's nerves: "I like the way you do that right thurr... Swing your hips when you're walkin, let down your hurr..."
Is he that incapable of rhyming words that he resorts to creating his own mortifying "words"

And for the most recent grammatically incorrect song of the month...

3.) Floor Sweeper - In the Ayer...
Firstly, let's give him a huge applaud for coming up with such a unique name. Flo Rida. I bet no one would guess that he originates from Florida. (cause his name does not in any way give it away) Well, with a name like Tramar Dillard... why wouldn't he opt for another cooler, more "ghetto" name... Heck, I was even planning to rename myself to Pee Nang. (hey, what a coinsidence... I'm from Penang, you just minus one "E" and...)
Yesh back to the song...
The part that hits everyone's nerves: "... Make me throw my hands. In the ayer..ay-ayer..ayer..ay-... Party all night like yayer..yayer.."

I can't think.. I DON"T wanna think of more songs rather...
So, congrats to Flo Rida from Flo Rida for his truly inspirational song with deep lyrical content.. It made it as the top shittiest song for the new year.