Gran Torino

When news spread of Clint Eastwood's new movie, I knew I just had to watch it. Was it cause of all of his previous movies that mad it big? Was it cause he was a legendary actor? Hell no. I heard he played a racist in the movie, and that caught my interest. The last movie I watched about a racist, was Lakeview Terrace, a mothafuckin movie in which da mothafuckin Samuel L. Jackass acts in. For those of you who haven't watched it, here's a word of advise... DON"T.
So anyway, back to Gran Torino, starring Clint Eastwood, some Hmongs, a toad and its sister... OH and Daisy. The Labrador who I feel, was the best actress throughout the movie.

Now, Clint Eastwood plays the role of Walt, a Korean War veteran, who only had his wife, his Gran Torino, Daisy and his rifle as his purpose for living. He loathed everything else, his nephews and their "gadgets", his sons who are too busy living a suburban life and of course his multi-ethnic neighbourhood, where Hmongs, Latinos, Indians and Jamaicans live. You may not have seen the Jamaicans, but it's common knowledge that they're everywhere, spreading the word of Ja... and other smokey substances.
Just for the record, I bet Walt hates centipedes, raisins, pineapples, Elmo and boybands as well.

Now back to the movie... His wife passes away, and the already grumpy old man, bypasses the grumpy limit and soon, starts snarling his way back home. To his disgust, he notices a bunch of Hmongs moving in next door and he glances at them with the dirty look. *snarls*
Now, the Hmong family, (which is friggin huge, it's a wonder how they all cram up in that little house) mainly consists of Mama Hmong, Granny Hmong (who bitches bout Walt in her mother tongue constantly), Toad and Sue. Toad has a cousin living in the neighborhood, and he's all "gangstah", and one day, while Toad is being verbally harassed by a bunch of racist Latinos, the cousin and his Hmong homies step in and shoo the Latinos away. Soon, they grow an odd attachment to the kid, and constantly visit his home, asking Toad to come out and play with them. Toad declines politely, saying he has better things to do like gardening and washing the dishes, but the Hmong gangstahs are ever so persistent. Eventually, Toad agrees to play with them, and as his initiation he has to steal Walt's Gran Torino. No surprise, he gets caught and Walt's hatred towards the Hmong grows *snarls*.. The Hmong gangstahs have now grown very attached to Toad, and insist that he plays with them everyday... He says "No", they get insulted and use the mature Hmong method of dealing with the problem... They try to kidnap him. This leads to a huge Hmong family drama worthy of air by Zee TV, and all that ruckus awakens Walt. He steps out to see what happens, sees his murdered garden Gnome, gets his gun and asks the Hmongs to step off his lawn. He also said "I used to stack your people 5 feet up and use them as sandbags, and I'd gladly do the same to you"... *snarls*

The next day, the Hmong takes Walt's hostility the wrong way, and instead of staying away from him... they start worshiping him as the Toad hero. They bring him offerings of food, flowers, rat droppings and young Hmong virgins. He said "Fuck No" to everything except, yep... you guessed it. The rat droppings. Who can resist that? Common...

While all of this is going on, a clingy priest constantly visits Walt, trying to convince him to go for a confession (cause he promised Walt's wife that he would before she died), and to get him to kidnap the young Hmong boy for who knows what reason. *snarls*

So anyway, one day while Sue is walking with her Eminem-wannabe date, they get harassed by a bunch of... Argh, fine. "African Americans"... The white boi goes all "Yow dawg, it's cool bro" and shit.. which is a death wish, but he doesn't know it. The... screw it. Black dudes get all horny on that fine Asian chick and before it goes further, Walt stops his car by the side.
Steps down... Everythin's silent.. then with that typical grim, Clint Eastwood look on his face shoots a tacky line. "Ever notice how you come across somebody once in a while that you shouldn't have fucked with?" *spits* "That's me.." Then he takes out a gun, and the "dawgs" back up (why weren't they carrying a gun?) and Sue is all appreciative. Soon, Sue and Walt hit it off... In a innocent way, otherwise it would've been too gross even for me. And Walt spits out another tacky line... One which anyone would say to someone whom you first hate, and then suddenly you're ok with... "You know something kid... You're alright."
Soon, Walt gets acquainted with the Hmong family and he goes for their BBQ party, tries to hit on the grandma, but she hates his gut... And as compensation for Toad's attempt to steal Walt's car, Mama Hmong does what every mother would do and offers Toad as a slave for one week to Walt. Walt goes "Booya!" not before snarling of course, and makes the kid his beeyatch. But soon... (and who would've guessed) they start bonding, and he even finds the kid a job at a construction site. Throughout the movie, Walt throws racist names and comments like a slut who throws herself around everywhere... One of the good ones was when Walt and Toad are shopping in a hardware shop and Toad asks what are they doin there.
Walt says "What? You gonna carry your tools in a rice bag?" Ahahahah!

One day, while returning from his manly job, the Toad gets jumped by the Hmong Gangstahs... Walt finds out, gets all defensive and goes to their residence and beats the living crap out of one of the gang members. That night, they took revenge in the form of a drive-by shooting of Toad's house and... they raped Sue.
This got Walt all Hulk-ish, and... goes for a hair-cut, gets a new suit, finally makes the priest happy and goes for a confession.

WARNING: Spoiler Below. Those who haven't watched the movie, pls read on.

Toad thought Walt and him were gonna get revenge together, but instead, Toad gets locked up in the basement... Walt passes his dog, Daisy to the noisy Hmong grandma as his last attempt on hitting on her (but he still failed) and he goes over to where the Hmong gangstahs live. He talks some cock, takes out a ciggy, all the while the gang is freaked out, having their guns pointed at him... And Walt asks for a light. The puzzled gang thinks Walt's up to something and they leave their guns pointed at him. As soon as Walt reaches into his coat for his... * BHAM BHAM BHAM BHAM *
What the eff happened? Walt crumbles to the ground... with a lighter in hand. The same one he had since 1951. He was unarmed, and what he did...how he got killed.. was witnessed by all the neighbors, and eventually the gang gets arrested.

Can't a man light his cigarette without gettin shot?

It's a touching tale.. of an old man, who lost his love, was all grumpy, eventually let the people he despises into his life. But then gets hurt. Now, the whole story idea was okay, but the acting had room for improvement. Great work on the racist name calling though, and just for you Humpathon readers, I'm gonna list down most of it.

Walt Says:

- Zipper Heads
- Egg Roll
- Gooks
- Fish Heads
- Spooks
- Serpent Head
- Shrimp Dick
- Click-Clack-Ding-Dong
- Dragon Lady
- Calls a Hmong girl "Ms. Yum Yum" instead of her real name, Youa... and "Toad" instead of Thao.


Rating: 6/10
Best Bit: All the name calling parts and the scene where he teaches Toad to talk like a man at the barbershop.