12 Things You See At (nearly) All Cafes

"Exposed brick walls?" Check. "Wooden furniture?" Check. "Chalkboards?" Check. "Butcher paper menus?" Check. "Coffee?" Check. “Bare light bulbs?” Check. Heyyy, let's open a cafe! Dear lord, how 'bout you skip the cliché decor and invest the money on kitchen staff and some actual good food and coffee? That’s the thing about Malaysia isn’t it? All it takes is one success story, and everyone jumps on the bandwagon Stevie Wonder-like without actually putting any proper thought into it. Remember the Burger Bakar phase? And then came all the other burger cafes. Then there are all the ice-cream joints popping up. More recently, would be the food truck craze. Bangsar and Subang have way too many “artisanal” coffee joints to list, with one sprouting out every other month. You step inside, and it’s like trying to differentiate between one Punjabi wedding from another – you can’t. Here’s a checklist of things that are often found in cafes for you guys, print it out and if you check at least 7 out of the 12, you know I’m right (once again). 

Let's see how many you can spot

CAFE CHECKLIST 


EXPOSED BRICK WALLS 

WOODEN FURNITURE 

CHALKBOARDS 

BARE LIGHT BULBS 

A SHOP NAME THAT HAS “COFFEE” IN IT 

EXPOSED PIPES

SOME GUY WITH A MAC 

SOME GIRL SNAPPING PHOTOS OF HER OVERPRICED SANDWICH/DESSERT 

“WITTY” QUOTES MOUNTED ON THE WALL 

A SIGN WITH THE CAFÉ’S INSTAGRAM HANDLE 

BUTCHER PAPER MENUS

FREE WI-FI 

The lack of creativity annoys me. Sure, upon walking in my first few cafes, I was like "Hey, this place looks pretty darn cozy", but after the fifth one, I had trouble differentiating one from another. Nothing stands out. Step out of your comfort zone, be different, add your own touch to the place, why don't ya? It may be the path of least resistance, but Gawddd it's boring. 

Make a music-themed cafe, add some cats in there, hammocks perhaps, a sci-fi cafe anyone? No? A moose-themed cafe? A cafe with topless waitresses like the Grand View Topless Coffee Shop in Vassalboro, Maine? Or the world famous Cafe Lu in Vietnam?

I like my women like I like my coffee. White

"I'll have the... uh... can you repeat the menu please?"