The 10 People You'll (most likely) Meet At a Punjabi Wedding

Punjabi weddings are fun the best to be honest. No disrespect to other weddings, but I don’t reckon there are any others that can even compare to how colourful, lively, lengthy and full of alcohol Punjabi weddings are. The celebration itself can span up to an entire week, there’s always music, booze, dancing, people in outfits of every colour and size, dancing, crying, good food, laughing, fighting, dancing, match making... so rest assured you’ll probably gonna have to skip work for at least a day to properly experience a wedding of the bhai-kind. And EVERYONE needs to attend a Punjabi wedding at least once. Otherwise, life has no meaning. Also, Punjabi weddings happen often. On average, I’ve attended about 6 weddings last year. All of which were Punjabi. And these are excluding the ones that I decided against attending because the norm is to send invites to everyone – even that one aunty who met you for the first and last time when you were four, and has maybe carried you once and will confuse you for a waiter. Yeah, her. She’ll most likely be invited to your wedding too #becausepunjabireasons. Let’s get to it.

THE GUY WITH SHADES
It’s 8PM, it’s dark as fuck, the sun’s gone to bed yet here’s this suited and booted guy dressed up swag as Hell but with a pair of shades on. The act of wearing shades is believed to provide a huge boost to a Punjabi man’s self-esteem. He now has every right to have a smug expression on his face, he believes that every chick in the wedding hall is now checking him out and he’s fully prepared and equipped for photographs and that pesky videographer. Often oozes with so much swag that standing next to Swagjit is almost unbearable. That or he just sweats too much.

THE MATCHMAKER 
For some reason, it is every aunty or grandma’s life mission to at least match make once in their lives. Life would just not be complete otherwise, and they may just end up in purgatory instead of Heaven or Hell upon their passing. If you’re above the age of 20 and single, you’re destined for potential matchmaking. If you’re seeing someone, the question will always be “So, when’s your turn?” And if you’re single, it would probably be something like, “He’s a doctor you know? Just came back from Ukraine. Drives a Mercedes.”  The best response for these typically traditional beings would be to leave them in disgust by saying you’re fond of people of the same sex. Let’s see how eager they are about the wedding then.

THAT GRUMPY AUNTY
There’s never a shortage of aunties who look like they’d rather be home watching Zee TV while ordering nephews and nieces around to bring them “pani” or some asam. She’s often angry about… well, just about everything. “Look at that blardy shameless girl wearing a sleeveless dress. She thinks this is a mujrah? Sharam ni aundi?!” That or they look for every tiny damn hiccup in the wedding. It started late. The food doesn’t meet their expectations. Why aren’t they serving puri? Why are they playing English disco songs?

DESPEREET SINGH
He’s just here for the chicks, bruv. Often single for a long time for good reason, his main goal for attending weddings is to hook up with some random chick. “Bro, you saw that girl in the blue Punjabi dress? Is she related to us?” That’s always the first question you’ve gotta ask at a Punjabi wedding before you hit on someone. It’s a legit question. But yeah, this guy moves from one “potential candidate” to another and often makes his move when the dance floor is open, because then, with the power of his sunglasses and fueled on booze, his confidence is near Godlike. But make one wrong move and hit on the wrong girl, or heck, even look at the wrong girl funny and you sir are destined for a broken nose courtesy of that overprotective cousin or brother. And as a Punjabi, our noses are very susceptible to being broken.

THAT GIRL WHO KNOWS ALL THE MOVES (AND LYRICS)
This is her time to shine. All that Hindi movie binge-watching and memorizing every single dance move and lyric will finally pay off. This is it. This is when she gets noticed by that doctor/engineer in shining armor and finally finds a potential mate. Jokes aside though, they actually look like they are professional dancers hired to make that dance floor filled with drunk uncles and kids who are high on sugar screaming and doing the “Gangnam” dance look a little more classy.

Excuse me. The dance floor needs me.

THE VIDEOGRAPHER
This guy is everywhere – ordering people around: “Okay, okay when I say 1,2,3 everybody point at the camera and shout!”, coming up to you at the most inappropriate times (ALWAYS when you’re busy stuffing your face with awesome food) and randomly shoving kids out of the way to get that money shot. He also believes that no video montage is complete without at least one slow-mo scene.

THAT DRUNK UNCLE 

A great source of entertainment, the drunk uncle is rarely seen at his designated table. Oh, no. There’s mutton near the bar, who the Hell needs to sit at a table especially when the nagging wife is there? He’ll be at the bar throughout the whole wedding and it often takes the MC at least 7 announcements for everyone to be seated before he reluctantly drags his ass to the table – with a glass of whisky of course. Also often the one whistling the loudest during performances and when the dance floor is open, he’ll be there either doing the nagin (snake) dance or holding that precious glass of whisky on his head with one hand and busting his moves from the 60’s. He’s also the one who takes a liking of striking conversations with you at the urinal or confuses you for one of his many, many nephews/nieces and strikes a 20-minute alcohol-breath-filled-conversation with you, while disturbingly holding your hand the entire time and all you can do is wait for a gap to say “Er... actually I’m not Sukhdeep, Uncle” and run. 

photo: lifecrust.com

THE DJ WHO TALKS TOO MUCH

Look, you’re not hired to talk. We’ve got the host for that, and a whole bunch of friends and cousins who take the stage to share embarrassing childhood memories and crack overused jokes like, “Hardave, take Sonia's hand and place your hand over hers. ... cherish it... because this will be the last time you'll ever have the upper hand!” This is often followed by a roar of laughter and people looking at one another going, “That’s a bloody good one! Good one!” Anyway, just as the best part of the song is approaching, and you’re already planning the dance move you’re about to break out into once it hits, this guy grabs the microphone and says something like, “I want all the pretty kudhis to get on the dance floor! Ah-huh! Hoi! Hoi! Brrrrrruuuahh!” and ruins the moment. Just stick to what you’re supposed to do lah, pendhi. 

THE GREEDY AUNTY

Just look out for that one aunty who scans the entire wedding hall and locks her eyes at the buffet line. She then plans her strategy of making her way from her table to the line in the quickest manner possible. If there are poor, unsuspecting kids on her table, she often delegates tasks to them. “Boy, ooish, boy! Come here. Laterr, when they say dinner is serve, cheti cheti go take a plate and bring brinjal sambal for aunty okay? Good boy.” She’s also the one often comparing the food to previous weddings she has freeloaded off and tries to get the caterers to “tapao” some food that she can take home. This to her, is the ultimate victory and makes her feel that giving the saagan was all worth it.

THE TRAIN OPERATOR 

Why is it that Punjabi weddings just can’t end without everyone having to form a human-train while the “rail gaddi” songs blasts? Every. Damn. Time. Why?! There’ll be that one genius who goes up to the DJ after the last song announcement has been made screaming, “BRO! BROOOO! Rail Gaddi! Play Rail Gaddi!” and then the dreaded tune starts, and everyone ends up having to hold shoulders and make their way around the entire hall. You know, come to think of it, this could actually just be an ingenious way to get rid of all the drunk people who linger on at the wedding hall. First, you sober them up a little by getting them to "rail'gaddi" around the hall and then use that very same train to escort them out of the hall. Genius. "Next stop - the lift to the parking bay, uncle-ji!"