I've sorta given up on movies lately. I remember a time when I could actually list down my "top 5 favourite movies of the month" or if I've been consuming my Scott's Emulsion Cod Liver Oil as instructed by my mother, I could even possibly name my favourite movies for the year. This time around, that doesn't happen. The last good movie I watched was... Fast Five. Whoopee-doo. Most recently, it was Insidious. Which was NOT a good movie.
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| No one's telling this lil' shit how to get to Sesame Street |
in·sid·i·ous
adjective /inˈsidēəs/
Proceeding in a gradual, subtle way, but with harmful effects
- sexually transmitted diseases can be insidious and sometimes without symptoms
Treacherous; crafty
- tangible proof of an insidious alliance
According to the Moose-tionary, it simply means a stupid horror movie.
I usually wouldn't bother watching a new horror movie release, cause' all the new ones have kids with long hair, violin music and a noisy baby who cries half the movie. But from what I heard about this one, it was scary. VERY, scary in fact. I was intrigued. I had free tickets (always a huge plus), and with all that talk about it being freaky, I was finally ready to sit down and watch a proper movie. Plus, I sorta enjoyed Paranormal Activity and Saw (both, only the first ones), and that James Wan bugger directed Insidious as well. This had to be good, I kept convincing myself.
Sadly, here's how the story went...
The Setting
If you're familiar with Paranormal Activity, you should know how it goes:
They start off with a happy family doing some fun-filled family activity together like bitching about Aunt Margaret and her moustache, the couple is always happy, and the woman is always a house wife. (Sexist! Nah, I kid. Kitchen is where they belong) Then they'd usually have a kid or two. Perhaps a dog. They'll live in a huge house, definitely with a basement or an attic. And oh, they have to be white. Cause' like the great Eddie Murphy once said, when a ghost says "Get outttt," black people get the fuck outta there, but not white folks... no sir-eee. They go, "Well, that's peculiar... what is that?" And then they end up getting fucked. Not literally, cause now that would be fun. Gettin' fucked by a ghost. So anyway, that's exactly how Insidious starts. More or less...
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| Seriously, how can you not talk about Aunt Marg? |
Next, we have subtle hints that something just ain't right with the house. Perhaps something really small, and almost unnoticeable at first, like a missing box. An open door. A soft thump. (Heehee, thump rhymes with 'hump') Etc. Then it turns dark, and the noises slowly increase day by day, and just like Paranormal Activity, the level of violence and disturbance increases by the day. Some of the disturbances include door slamming, a baby crying, hearing a voice over the baby monitor, laughter, shadows, sudden flashes of a scary figure/face and kids complaining about stuff like "he keeps looking at me mummy" or "I don't like him anymore." And of course, mummy has to ask who "he" is, and the kid will probably say "the little boy who lives upstairs, mummy" or crap like that. You get the picture.
Anyway, so things start getting more violent, and the wife is convinced the house is haunted. Even more so since her eldest boy suddenly falls into a coma, and not even the non-Malaysian doctors can explain the reason. Soon she resorts to an exorcist (who of course has to be an old lady), and finds out that the issue is not with the house, but with the kid. Naturally, the husband thinks it's all a load of crap, but soon, he too starts believing. Then the exorcist explains what happened to the kid. He can basically go on a "soul train" and separate himself from his body at night, when he sleeps. Only this time, he got a little too adventurous, and got lost. Take that for not leaving bread crumbs! Oh nuuu! How do they get his soul back? Through a stupid twist of course!
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| Get on the soulllll plane, brotha! |
The Twist: In a sudden turn of events that would usually only be possible in an M. Night Shyamalan movie, the father TOO has the ability to "soul surf" and so he heroically gets transported into this dimension called "The Further" and from there onwards, the movie starts sucking big time. Why? Well, he has a fist fight with one of the ghosts for starters... And horror movies basically start becoming boring when they show the ghosts. And in this movie, there were A LOT of ghosts - with cheap make up. I swear, even 13 Ghosts looked better.
Anyway, he goes to "The Further" looking for his son, brawls with a ghost, walks past a few other ghosts who reenact how they died, finds the ghost of some old hag who used to hang out with him when he went on his "soul-capades" when he was younger (in hopes of possessing his body), screams at her bravely "You're not real! I'm not afraid of you! I wore my Superman undies today!" and blah blah blah, finds the kid. Brings him back. End of story. Oh but wait! That old hag came back with him, so he's still stuck in 'The Further' which is possibly gonna lead to a much UN-anticipated sequel. [UPDATE: So yes, there was a sequel anddd they're even making a third chapter to the movie. Hurrah!]
Bottom line? The fuck? Haven't you been paying attention? Now go start from the top all over again.
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