Would you stop looking at me like that? I know it's been a while, but seriously, when all you do from 9 - 5 is stare at the screen and write, the last thing you'd wanna do is come back home, stare at the screen and write more. I guess this proves I'm having heaps of fun at work (read: someone please help me. They're watching me) - since now all my ranting can actually be done in print. Minus the vulgarities. Okay, no. Even the magazine isn't spared from my "French" which is why I've honestly taken all my ranting there.
Shameless, I know. But speaking of shameless, I've found several topics to rant about
again! Do I hear my imaginary readers cheering? Aww, you guys! I know I've already written a post about Facebook camwhores, so this time, let's take a look at certain habits that people display as their status updates. See, along with a great social networking site comes a great deal of moronic activity. And I'm here to point it out. Harsh, I know, but somemoose's gotta do it. Let's start off with...
THINGS YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOUR PROFILE PICTURES
1.) Pouting does NOT make you look cute - it makes you look like a member of the poultry family, specifically, a duck.
2.) Licking your lips does NOT make you look sexy - unless you're Kate Upton. Then of course, the only lips you should be licking would be mine. Kate Upton if you're reading this, marry me.
3.) Sucking on your fingers portrays poor hygiene - and a sort of loneliness, when you come to think about it. Also, when you're fat and you do that, "cannibalism" comes to mind.
4.) Using a profile picture that is 5% you, 67% Photoshop and 28% make-up only scares the living shit out of us when we see you in person. Or we (sometimes intentionally) wouldn't recognize you and conveniently forget to say hi.
Then we have... THE STATUS UPDATES NO ONE CARES ABOUT
"Stuck in a bad jam near that road behind that red building with a polka-dotted roof and a three- legged-Rhino on the front lawn for nearly 10 minutes. FML!"
Telling us that does not in any way, help you OR us. Especially us. It's a waste of time, a waste of status space and above all, how do I put this nicely... ? We don't give a fuck. We have the radio for
updates.
"It's 9PM, still at the office. 7 e-mails, 5 faxes and a dead kitten to clean up. FML"
Same as above, WE DON'T CARE! Cept' for the dead kitten part ): RIP Mr. Waffles. Okay, so you wanna give everyone this image that you "work more than everyone else" and "have a tough job", expecting us to think "Wow, this dude. He's like Superman. He works so much, and here I am going home at 5PM. He must be so awesome. He's gotta be wayyyy more important than I am!" When in fact, what we think is... "HAH HAH! I get to go home at 5 beeyatch! Suck on that your corporate slave! Happy hours anyone? No? Okay, I'll just masturbate."
"Having a slice of bread with Uncle Patrick! Omnomnomnom"
Bitch, we don't give a shit. Unless the bread is laced with LSD, or your mum's a MILF and she has a habit of eating bread while naked, we honestly, do NOT care what you're having for breakfast, lunch, tea, dinner or supper. Look, we get it, you're at some fancy place, and you NEED to show it off but you try to casually divert the attention to "the food", when we actually know you're proud of the fact that you're visiting some fancy restaurant that your parents or boyfriend is paying for. Now if you're cooking something out of Epic Meal Time, now THAT's something you should post up.
"I love you, Mommy! Happy Mother's Day! XOXOXO :)"
And yo mama doesn't even have FB... you expecting us to go "Aww, that's so sweet. I bet that your mum would magically feel your love the moment you post that status up here. Online. Where your mum isn't..." How bout you save the act and actually take your mother out and do something nice for her instead of fishing for compliments over the net?
If you stop fishing for compliments, maybe you'll actually get one...
Next, we have THE FACEBOOK MELTDOWN STATUSES
People who suffer from Facebook meltdowns are my favourite! They're such a fun bunch because their entire life highly depends on Facebook and what goes on there. Think of it this way, each time their photo/status gets a "like" they wet themselves a little, have a goofy smile plastered on their faces and get +5 to their self-esteem. Tell tale signs of these kinda people often include over 500 profile pictures (from every different angle, colour, background), status updates up to 10 times a day and more. A very emotionally-challenged bunch, if you will. Here are some examples:
"What's up with people and... (name smth that everyone else is doing). What a bunch of twats/idiots/wankers!"
Oh, look! You're so unique. You're the epitome of non-"mainstreamness", you're the hipster lord, also you're fat. While there's nothing wrong with being different or having a different opinion (i.e: like how I hate Bieber), don't attempt this just to portray a "tough guy" image. Cause' when you're caught contradicting yourself (which is guaranteed to happen), you're only gonna end up venting your anger on Facebook which leads to my next point.
"Some people should just learn to mind their own business." OR "Say what you want, I'm not affected :)" OR "I have some friends who are just dumb" OR "And this one is for those people I know who think they are (insert something that the poster is actually envious/angry about)"
i.e: good looking, rich, have the best job etc. OR basically any other "subliminal" status updates in which the status poster confuses to be "smart", "discreet" or "sneaky." (It's really not)
These are actually alright to say... if you're five-years old that is. You'd think at most, that only humans with vaginas would attempt this kind of faggotry, but nuuuu... full-grown adults even practice this. Some, also with vaginas.
If you wanna cry over something your fwens said behind your back (aww), perhaps talking to them is a better option. If you have a problem with someone, call that person up, arrange a meet and talk about it like adults. Or hire a flock of killer pigeons strapped with C4s to suicide dive his/her ass. Spare us your emotional status updates on Facebook, cause it's honestly sad and more importantly, makes you look like a giant sack of wrist-slashing-Elton John loving, G-String wearing homo. Or Justin Bieber for short. If you're not "affected", shut the fuck up about it. You don't have to post up a status telling people that you're not affected. Chicks are mostly guilty of these status updates, often craving for 'comforting' comments like: "Aww, babe. It's okay, let's meet up and talk about it. (This often means a night of dressing like a French whore, getting totally wasted, crashing the car and then crying uncontrollably while talking to the ex) I love you hun! Fuck that bastard who hurt you!"
And adding that stupid ":)" does not cloak your fragile feelings of hurt and anger. It does not make us go, "Hey! She/He sounds so angry, but wait a minute! WTF is that?! It's a.. it's a smiley! Oh, she/he must be totally cool with what happened but decided to take time off and post it as his/her status because everyone needs to know. Man, what a cool dude/dudette. I mean, you'd think after all that whining, bitching and complaining s/he'd end the sentence with a "!" but nope, not this guy/gal. She/He smiles!"
FAST FACT:
How To Spot an Insecure FB user/ Facebook Meltdown Candidate
How To Spot an Insecure FB user/ Facebook Meltdown Candidate
They post something - realize it's stupid - remove it - then realize some people may have seen it - rephrase it and repost it - then over think things once again - fall into a state of paranoia -delete it - realize that "people are watching" (when no one actually cares) - DEACTIVATE FB ACCOUNT (after keyboard slamming, shouting, listening to Metal/Emo music etc.)
Give em' bout two months at most, they'll be back with a "Guess who's back? :))))" (Note that the additional smiles actually symbolizes shame) and give them some time before their habits kick in again.
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