Fat World

ORIGINAL SONG: 'Mad World - Gary Jules' (if you've not heard this before, you... a.) suck and b.) should do so NOW, before proceeding with the parody) Done? Good. Now, sing along with these lyrics instead:
PARODY: 'Fat World' by Teh Moose

All around me are chubby faces
Worn out dresses, worn out faces
Fat and lazy for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere

Their milkshakes are filling up their glasses
Extra whipcream, extra whipcream
Hide my head I wanna gorge my eyes out
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find you kind of chubby, I find you kind of fat
The dreams in which you're dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, You're the cause of earthquakes
When people run in circles its because of the...
Fat world, fat world

Children waiting for the day they lose weight
Keep on dreaming, Keep on dreaming
But I feel that every child should eventualy get laid
Sit and listen, sit and listen

Went to school and you were very nervous
No one knew you, no one liked you
Hello teacher tell me, what's my lesson?
Must be phys ed, Must be phys ed

And I find you kind of chubby, I find you kind of fat
The dreams in which you're dying are the best I've ever had
I find you really smelly, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its because it's a
Fat world, Fat world, enlarging your world
Fat world

We're All The Same

If there's one thing I can't stand besides raisins, centipedes, peas, pineapples, bimbos, Twilight, politics, black pepper, boy bands, Justin Bieber, animal cruelty, Elmo, the vuvuzela and soppy movies (among other stuff), it's people who make fun of the disabled.
I'm gonna save the whole reasoning behind this because if you're already here on my blog, you've got some level of intelligence on you. That or you like boobies as much as I do.

This one's for all you Humpathon boobie fans

Anyway, moving on to the topic of my post. I was surfing the web and I came across this VIDEO. Meet Zach Anner, a 25 year old Texan who has cerebral palsy. (Note: I did not say 'suffers' from cerebral palsy and I highly suggest you don't too.) When Oprah held a contest called "Your Own Show", a talent search produced by Oprah and "Survivor" creator Mark Burnett, Zach along with other hopeful winners sent in their videos but it was Zach's video that got the greatest response - over 2.5 million votes in under a week!

This goes to prove that Zach Anner is no different than you and I, in fact he could possibly be better. When news of people making fun, ill treating or looking down on guys like Zach surfaces, it pisses me off to no end. To them, I flip the bird.

My lil' pal flips you the bird too

Anyway, this isn't a post out to gain sympathy for Zach, it's more of an awareness campaign. Through the video above, you can see how simply fuckin' hilarious this guy is!

"This isn't yoga, I'm just putting on pants."

"No obstacle is too big, no mountain is too high, no volcano is too hot, and no Atlantis is too underwater or fictional!"

Even John Mayer has noticed the kid and said he'd "love to see a show by this kid" after posting Zach's video on his blog. Zach thanked him and said "I know my body is a wonderland, but I don't know why he'd be interested in me!" on another VIDEO in which he thanked all the people who voted for him as well.

Check out Zach Anner's other video where he interviews Michael Cera and Alia Shawkat for kissing advice.

I think it's just amazing how people like Zach strive to pursue their dreams, demolishing any obstacles whatsoever in their path. Then you get little twats who complain about the tiniest of things ("Maaaa! Why's the internet so slow?!") while others are so content and satisfied living in their little own monotonous world, that they're too gutless to step outside of their comfort zone and actually pursue their utmost desires. The only thing stopping you from achieving your dreams... is you. Anyway, enough of my motivational crap talk, you have self-help books for that. I only have this to say, you only live once, and you're not growing younger by the day. If you keep holding things up, waiting for a tomorrow that will never come, you ain't going nowhere. Have a dream? Work towards it NOW dammit. Plus, with all that speculation that the world's gonna end in 2013, you had better hurry..

Lamb of God, Wrath Tour

Teh Moose recently experienced the ultimate concert with Metal legends, Lamb of God first hand - fists pumping, head banging, body slamming and all.

I’ve seen their videos, I was fond of their songs and I sure as Hell have seen the clips of thousands of people running into each other at full speed during the insane act known as the “Wall of Death.” The thought of injecting steroids into my system did run through my head – it was the only way a 6 ft 2, skinny ass like me was gonna make it through the night, but after much debate, I decided against it. Mainly because of my fear of needles.

I totally ignored the cries of caution like “You should bring along your full plate armour!” or “Scream ‘Justin Bieber is awesome!’ and they’ll be sure to let you off the hook”… I especially ignored that last one.

I wonder if anyone would notice

Anyway, it was my first Metal concert, the closest being Korn’s concert here in Malaysia back in 2009. But this was different, for one, it was happening at D’Marquee, Downtown East in Singapore and secondly, “Wall of Death”, remember!? Plus you know how the concerts here are. Deep Purple was a sit-down concert for fuck’s sake.

The venue was filled with Metalheads of every shape, race, gender, age and hair-do. Each with their own unique tee-shirt paying tribute to their favourite Metal band, singer or it had scary imprints of a skeleton a with flaming sword dry humping a tied-up, blind folded female slave – true story. What made it special was, they were all (despite their physical and sexual preference differences) part of a family and I was their newest member. I admit it, I didn’t know what to expect… was I gonna make it with all my ribs and teeth intact? Was I going to become partially deaf? Was I going to fall for a worthy female counterpart with tattoos, a tongue piercing, a leather outfit and an obsession with lethal weapons and in turn, get disowned by my parents?? This was all so new to me. "Screw it", I said to myself while screwing the jar of peanut butter I was munching on tightly.

Anyone seen my mama?

This was Lamb of God… definitely worth it! I stepped in the tent and was greeted by fans clad in black tees chanting the Pure American Metal band’s name while throwing their hands in the air with the easily identifiable ‘Devil Horns’ sign. Their chants immediately morphed into excited screams and shouts when the intro from ‘The Passing’ came on. More songs from their latest album, Wrath followed next with ‘In Your Words’ and ‘Set To Fail’ which was more than enough for the fans to kick start the sacrificial ritu… I mean mosh pit. It was like a scene from Prison Break when all the prisoners escaped only I joined in. Also, there was no T-Bag character walking around with his bitch holding on to the insides of his pocket.

Randy Blythe fed our hunger for more by playing ‘Walk With Me In Hell’ and ‘Now You’ve Got Something To Die For.’ Should it have been a normal day, with that much head banging and jumping around, my legs would’ve already been quivering and I would’ve had to sit down and catch my breath. But the energy that filled me that night was unexplainable. With Chris Adler’s drumming, Willie Adler’s crazy guitar rifts, John Campbell with the bass and Randy’s energetic and somewhat erotic growls, I wanted more. We all did. The pit grew larger and larger, especially so when Randy himself screamed, “Open it up!” I scanned the crowd eagerly for some Metalhead females who took what he said literally… no such luck however.

"Knock, knock" 

"Choo Choo Muthafucka!"

Back to the pit… I was head banging so hard to ‘Contractor’ that the concert tee shirts I purchased earlier flew out of my bag without me even noticing. Had it not been for that helpful metal head beside me who tapped me on my shoulder and pointed down to them, I would’ve been grieving over my loss right about now. See, that’s the surprising thing – one would expect a Metal concert to be filled with vicious, angry people whose happiness is based solely on the suffering of others and the decapitation of farm animals like goats… but this is absolutely not the case. There exists an unmentioned Metal Code of Ethics, and as mentioned before, we were a family, constantly on the lookout for a fallen comrade or someone in trouble. I’d request that you personally attend and experience a Metal concert before laying down prejudgments on the highly misunderstood Metalheads. I thanked the chap and my focus went back to the concert.

It was getting wilder than before and at last, the moment I dreaded yet secretly anticipated had arrived – the intro for ‘Black Label’ came on and I felt a shudder of excitement flow down through my spine as I watched the crowd divide themselves into two. The countdown took place and before I knew what was happening, all Hell broke loose. People were running into each other at top speed, bodies slamming, people had a look of pure animalistic rage on their faces and everyone chanted and head banged along to the tunes of one of Lamb of God’s greatest song – the “national anthem” for the Wall of Death, 'Black Label.' I wouldn’t have opted for any other finale to what was possibly the craziest night of my life.

Randy describes it best when he said:

"Holy fuckin shit! You people are fuckin crazy!!!" 

5 Jokes You Should Stop Using and Annoying Facebook Syndromes

It's time for some enlightenment with Teh Moose. As if plagiarized jokes being verbally thrown around isn't bad enough, you get them doing it at such a frequent rate, repeating them over, and over... and over again... We've all heard of em. I'm gonna do society a favor and list down some "expired" jokes that you should refrain from using. Ever...

NO. 1

"Your mother so fat, when she jump for joy... she got stuck" - Russel Peters...

Yes, yes. It was funny the first 1382714987123 times, but just like my aging grandma, it's getting old. Is that the only "yo mama" joke you can produce? Heck, you ain't even 'producing' it, you're just spitting out what you heard from Russel's stand up, probably after watching it for a few hundred times, memorizing and rehearsing all his jokes just so you can use it when:

i.) you're at the next family function while trying to divert the topic of your drinking habits brought up by your overly concerned aunt

ii.) you're on an outing with those nerds you call friends who snicker at every burp and think shoving straws up their noses is the funniest thing since the Bush administration

iii.) you're out with a hot chick and the awkward silence creeps in and she starts noticing the scribbles on your palms that read "Things not to do when on a date. You're a stallion! You're getting lucky tonight playahhh! Condom - check."

In fact, here's a suggestion - refrain from ANY Russel Peters jokes please. (note: This only applies to Malaysians, 'cause other stand up comedians produce jokes that they can't comprehend and thus, they don't regurgitate it repeatedly)


NO. 2

"My Engrand very the powderful" - I don't know who came up with this, but I'd love to meet him/her so I can shove my boot wayyyyy up his/her ass.

Just what kinda retarded shit is this? In no way whatsoever is this the slightest bit "clever" or should I say "crever"/"witty"... In fact, it's pure bullshit, just like how Twilight is full of crap. Yet you get these people going on and on about this. Adding "the" where it doesn't belong only makes you sound stupid, not funny. Adding a "R" where a "L" should be, can be funny at times, but not if you yourself speak like that. No, seriously. Powderful? What the fuck?! Seriously, this shit has been abused more times than Rihanna.

Haa...Haa...

NO. 3

Any "Singh" jokes.

Yes, back in the 80's, jokes like "What do you call a Punjabi who's good in fighting?... Box Singh (boxing)! heeeheahahahehaeh" might have worked, but seriously, on behalf of all Punjabis, I plead to you, cut it out. We have knives...

NO. 4

"Why did the chicken cross the road?" jokes...

Look, honestly... it could be cause' Colonel Sanders was chasing him, he had issues with the government, he saw Susan Boyle, Justin Bieber was trying to dry hump the chicken... anything... I wanna live in a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned. Plus, I don't wanna listen to that joke anymore. And I feel pigs are way more awesome. From now on, it's gonna be "Why did the pig cross the road?"

NO. 5

"Don't pray pray" - Phua Chu Kang

He pulls it off cause he has a huge mole, funky yellow contractor boots, curly hair and cause he's Gurmit Singh. You're a desperate nobody who lacks originality. Stop using this.

And while we're on the topic of things that must stop. Here are some 'Sickening Facebook Syndromes'...

This is an example of an acceptable picture

The "Snap a Picture with My Pet and Await 'Awws' syndrome

Unless you're doing it genuinely, then it's fine. I mean, there are animal lovers out there, then there are attention whores. If you happen to be the latter, you can go choke on a donkey's left nut. And just for emphasis, that's left nut. Stick with the program.

The "Fuck My Life. I'm Fat and Nobody Loves Me" Syndrome

Yes, we know your self-esteem is as low as a hunching midget and how you're a social reject... Begging for attention however, may only work for some blondes - the very same people who consider 'Avatar' the best possible man-made movie ever in the history of mankind, but otherwise, all you're doing is making yourself look like a bigger (pun intended), needy loser.

Another exception to the rule

The "Wannabe Outlaw" Syndrome

Oh, look! A no smoking sign! I'm gonna go light up a cigarette, stand in front of it, put on a "gangstah-i-don't abide-by-the-law" face and ask someone to snap a picture of me so I can post it up on some social networking site. i.e: Facebook. How 'bout you step up to an electric fence, hold a light-bulb in one hand and lean on the fence with the other and say "Baked Cheese!"? Now that I'd "like."

The "Duckface" Syndrome

Pouting... Does. Not. Make. You. Look. Cute/Adorable/Hot/Sexy/Attractive in any God forsaken way. Why do you people do this? Can't just just smile? Or mouth the words "Cock Sucker" instead? Watching you quacks (puns ftw!) put on that weird pout makes us throw up inside our mouths. If you wanna look slutty, put on a schoolgirl outfit.

p.s: If you do own a slutty schoolgirl outfit, please call me.

If you do this, you need to stop. Or break something

The "Unique-Attention-Whore" Syndrome

In hopes of appearing as 'creative' and 'different', attention whores now resort to mid-air shots, somersaults and other freeze-frame pictures to help them gain attention and "likes" and comments that usually go something like "Omg babez! That's such an awesome shot! Were you flying?" by the females, while men usually go "Lolz. Nice shot (while thinking to themselves, dayumm this girl's flexible. Maybe I should shower her with more compliments and pray I get lucky), I have a DSLR too. We should go out sometime and take more pics. ;] ) A picture of someone falling face first into a pile of mud on the other hand, IS funny and "like" worthy.

As of now, these are all I can think of, but rest assured, I'll be updating this list as soon as I encounter more expired jokes and things not to do on Facebook. So as usual, since I take pride in believing that real people actually visit and read my blog posts... with that being said, should you think any additions should be made to this list, go ahead and post 'em in the comments section.