Transporker 3

Oh good gawd, Transporker 3 is out! Big flippin doo-da deal. For those of you who haven't already spent 10 bucks on this worthless movie, I'd suggest you read this and let me spoil this "unpredictable" movie for you.
Okie, so Jason Stutterham is back once again to act as a male blonde (minus the hair) who sticks his head in things that he shouldn't and pays the price for it. Oh but wait, he's the main character, so no matter how fucked he may seem, he'll pull through.
Here's a real brief summary of the movie, cause honestly, it deserves no publicity whatsoever, and even dissing this movie is considered a waste of time by teh Humpster.
Jason who's known as Martin in Transporter, politely declines another delivery job, so this other jabronee grabs the chance to shine. Thing is, it was a set up, and he gets fudged over, and as a last resort, he heads to the one man whom he can trust, good ol' Martin. So, just like any casual friend would, he crashes his car into Martin's house and says Hi. They have some coffee, talk about the recent Humpathon post on the upcoming Batman movie, and just as the two males were about to hit it off, a problem arises. The substitute transporter has this bracelet thingy, and if he ventures more than 75 feet away from his car, he gets blown apart by some high-tech gadget thingy that I hope someday to possess and place it on every dog eating shithead out there.
Oh in the car, there's this BUTT UGLY freckled Russian hoe called Valentine, (played by Natalya Rudakova) who basically was the "parcel" being transported. Being the horny man that he is, Martin sees her and whips it out. But then she wakes up, and all his not-so-noble intentions had to be put on hold.
To put it short, Martin gets involved and while driving her around town, gets kidnapped by some thugs led by the only good actor in the movie, good ol' T-Bag himself, Robert Knepper, who plays Johnson. He places the same bracelet thingy on Martin, and asks him to make a delivery, as usual, no questions asked about the package. Martin the Mole soon digs his nose too deep in shit as usual, falls in love with the shit-sprinkled Valentine, and takes off his shirt for no apparent reason while fighting off the bad guys...
Yes, the same old "exciting" fight scene using his coat to spank the bad guys is repeated over.. and over and over again in Transporker 3. And they ripped off a car chase scene from Fast and Furious. When his car tilted sideways and squeezed through 2 trucks. What the Hell is with trucks suddenly appearing in car-chase scenes!??
So, let's recap... the fight scenes are lame. The "jokes"... even worse. The first scene, where Martin is fishing with his sugar daddy, and they crack up some pathetic jokes that are not worth mentioning here. Oh, and during the shooting scenes, despite the bad guys being trained professional killers, they can't seem to hit Martin eventhough they're in a car right behind him. Yep, not even one bullet hits him. And I thought Hindi movies made no sense..
You know what, let's not call this an "action" movie... It was more of a.. a.. Cooking Movie. Throughout the whole effing movie, that Russian beeyatch whines about how hungry she is, and how she wants "baby carrots, potatoes, lamb marinated with...." etc etc. So, there I was taking down her recipes, cause they sure as Hell sounded good. Heck, made me so hungry I had to leave the cinema to get a hotdog. I wasn't gonna miss much of the movie anyway? I already saw it all in the previous two movies.

Oh a word of advice to would-be car owners... GET A FRIGGIN AUDI!
My verdict based on this movie, is that Audi's are indestructable. You could push it into the Klang River and soak it up real good, bring it up to the surface and it'll still work fine.

My favourite bit was when the horny Russian gets turned on by Martin's strip-fighting, and when they're alone on a hill, she asks him to shake his stuff. He's all like "Gosh.. shucks. Me? Ah Hyuck".. Then he eventually strips (at which point I was spitting my hotdog out) and they get it on. No surprise there. So, they start shagging on the hill. And what's the next scene?
The head villain, Johnson, asks his thugs "What's his position?" (for you half-wits, he was referring to Martin's location)
I fuckin burst out laughing! "Doggy-style!!" I said out loud.

That was the ONLY good part, and hey, that was self-made. It was a pathetic movie, probably just as bad as Samuel L. Jackson's "Lakeside Terrace". The actress was fugly, Jason the StutteringHam was as bad as Keanu Reeves and the jokes were... not jokes. I wanna buy his coat though, it's way better than a gun, and I'm betting it's bulletproof. Why else didn't he get hit?

Rating: None
Best Bit: "What's his position?" Doggy-style!
Transporker 3 wishlist: Bracelet which goes Boom when you stray too far away from car, Coat which acts as a gun, sword and shield, and Car which is water-proof, bullet-proof... Not fool proof though as Martin proudly shows us.