Another reason to drink

To all teh fellow Hump-addicts! Have a Humping X'mas and a Humping New Year!

Transporker 3

Oh good gawd, Transporker 3 is out! Big flippin doo-da deal. For those of you who haven't already spent 10 bucks on this worthless movie, I'd suggest you read this and let me spoil this "unpredictable" movie for you.
Okie, so Jason Stutterham is back once again to act as a male blonde (minus the hair) who sticks his head in things that he shouldn't and pays the price for it. Oh but wait, he's the main character, so no matter how fucked he may seem, he'll pull through.
Here's a real brief summary of the movie, cause honestly, it deserves no publicity whatsoever, and even dissing this movie is considered a waste of time by teh Humpster.
Jason who's known as Martin in Transporter, politely declines another delivery job, so this other jabronee grabs the chance to shine. Thing is, it was a set up, and he gets fudged over, and as a last resort, he heads to the one man whom he can trust, good ol' Martin. So, just like any casual friend would, he crashes his car into Martin's house and says Hi. They have some coffee, talk about the recent Humpathon post on the upcoming Batman movie, and just as the two males were about to hit it off, a problem arises. The substitute transporter has this bracelet thingy, and if he ventures more than 75 feet away from his car, he gets blown apart by some high-tech gadget thingy that I hope someday to possess and place it on every dog eating shithead out there.
Oh in the car, there's this BUTT UGLY freckled Russian hoe called Valentine, (played by Natalya Rudakova) who basically was the "parcel" being transported. Being the horny man that he is, Martin sees her and whips it out. But then she wakes up, and all his not-so-noble intentions had to be put on hold.
To put it short, Martin gets involved and while driving her around town, gets kidnapped by some thugs led by the only good actor in the movie, good ol' T-Bag himself, Robert Knepper, who plays Johnson. He places the same bracelet thingy on Martin, and asks him to make a delivery, as usual, no questions asked about the package. Martin the Mole soon digs his nose too deep in shit as usual, falls in love with the shit-sprinkled Valentine, and takes off his shirt for no apparent reason while fighting off the bad guys...
Yes, the same old "exciting" fight scene using his coat to spank the bad guys is repeated over.. and over and over again in Transporker 3. And they ripped off a car chase scene from Fast and Furious. When his car tilted sideways and squeezed through 2 trucks. What the Hell is with trucks suddenly appearing in car-chase scenes!??
So, let's recap... the fight scenes are lame. The "jokes"... even worse. The first scene, where Martin is fishing with his sugar daddy, and they crack up some pathetic jokes that are not worth mentioning here. Oh, and during the shooting scenes, despite the bad guys being trained professional killers, they can't seem to hit Martin eventhough they're in a car right behind him. Yep, not even one bullet hits him. And I thought Hindi movies made no sense..
You know what, let's not call this an "action" movie... It was more of a.. a.. Cooking Movie. Throughout the whole effing movie, that Russian beeyatch whines about how hungry she is, and how she wants "baby carrots, potatoes, lamb marinated with...." etc etc. So, there I was taking down her recipes, cause they sure as Hell sounded good. Heck, made me so hungry I had to leave the cinema to get a hotdog. I wasn't gonna miss much of the movie anyway? I already saw it all in the previous two movies.

Oh a word of advice to would-be car owners... GET A FRIGGIN AUDI!
My verdict based on this movie, is that Audi's are indestructable. You could push it into the Klang River and soak it up real good, bring it up to the surface and it'll still work fine.

My favourite bit was when the horny Russian gets turned on by Martin's strip-fighting, and when they're alone on a hill, she asks him to shake his stuff. He's all like "Gosh.. shucks. Me? Ah Hyuck".. Then he eventually strips (at which point I was spitting my hotdog out) and they get it on. No surprise there. So, they start shagging on the hill. And what's the next scene?
The head villain, Johnson, asks his thugs "What's his position?" (for you half-wits, he was referring to Martin's location)
I fuckin burst out laughing! "Doggy-style!!" I said out loud.

That was the ONLY good part, and hey, that was self-made. It was a pathetic movie, probably just as bad as Samuel L. Jackson's "Lakeside Terrace". The actress was fugly, Jason the StutteringHam was as bad as Keanu Reeves and the jokes were... not jokes. I wanna buy his coat though, it's way better than a gun, and I'm betting it's bulletproof. Why else didn't he get hit?

Rating: None
Best Bit: "What's his position?" Doggy-style!
Transporker 3 wishlist: Bracelet which goes Boom when you stray too far away from car, Coat which acts as a gun, sword and shield, and Car which is water-proof, bullet-proof... Not fool proof though as Martin proudly shows us.

Obituary List

There was too much hype on Dark Knight and Heath Ledger's role as the Joker. (Yes, it was good, but enough with the "Why so seriouss!?" already!)
Now, there was speculation that Johnny Depp would play the role of the Riddler in the next Batman movie. Are those bimbos I see jumping up and down and celebrating?
Too bad. Cause Eddie Murphy's set to play The Riddler. Hah! Oh, you're not celebrating now? Eddie's a brilliant comedian you ignorant twits... Who better to play the Riddler? Okay, Russel Peters would fit right in as well. In due time, he'll get his movie role, get criticized and lose a huge number of his fans. But heyy, that's a story for another post.
Moving on to more Batman roles... Rachel Weisz is believed to be in line for Catwoman (Halle Berry was a wayy hotter choice if you ask Teh Humper) and no surprise here, the boot-shining, ass kissing, dependant on other actors for fame, Shia LeBeouf will play Batman's pansy sidekick, Robin.

Place your bets on which one of these stars will get too "engrossed" in their character in turn, leading them to commit suicide, win umpteen Grammies and gain worship of groupies. * fingers crossed * "Shia, shia, shia...." Chant with me dammit!

Diarrhea

Now, that hoe Rihanna keeps coming up with songs that simply annoy the living crap outta me. The latest song which is played 12,387 times a day is Disturbia by the one and only huge-ass "foreheaded" Rihanna. To make her song sound a little more appealing, here's the Humper's own version of her song.

Diarrhea - by Fluffy Teh Humper

What's wrong with it?
Why does it feel like this?
I'm going crazy now

No more gas in the rear..
Can't even get it started
Nothing heard, nothing released
Can't even speak about it
Out my butt out my head
Don't want to think about it
Feels like I'm going insane
Yeah

It's a thief in the night
To come and grab your butt
It can creep up inside you
And consume you
A disease of the ass
It can control you
It's too close for comfort

Take off your undies and tights
We're in the toilet of wonder
Ain't gonna shit nice
Watch out, you might just soil yourself
Better poop twice
Your train of shit will be altered
So if you must faulter be wise
Your ass is in diarrhea
It's like the poop is too light
Diarrhea
Is it scaring you tonight
Your ass is in diarrhea
Ain't used to what you like
Diarrhea
Diarrhea

Damn bum be-dumb bum bum be-dumb bum
Damn bum be-dumb bum bum be-dumb bum

Damn bum be-dumb bum bum be-dumb bum

Damn bum be-dumb bum bum be-dumb bum

Shit splats on the wall
It's like they talkin' to me
Disconnectin' my undies
My fart sounds watery
I gotta it out
Or figure this shit out
It's too wet for comfort

It's a thief in the night
To come and grab your behind
It can creep up inside you
And consume you
A disease of the ass
It can control you
My butt feels like a monster

Take off your undies and tights
We're in the toilet of wonder
Ain't gonna shit nice
Watch out, you might just soil yourself
Better poop twice
Your train of shit will be altered
So if you must faulter be wise
Your ass is in diarrhea
It's like the poop is too light
Diarrhea
Is it scaring you tonight
Your ass is in diarrhea
Ain't used to what you like
Diarrhea
Diarrhea

Damn bum be-dumb bum bum be-dumb bum
Damn bum be-dumb bum bum be-dumb bum

Damn bum be-dumb bum bum be-dumb bum

Damn bum be-dumb bum bum be-dumb bum

Release me from this curse I'm in
Trying to remain tame
But I'm struggling and wiggling
If you can go,oh,oh,oh, uh ho
I think I'm going to oh, oh, oh

Take off your undies and tights
We're in the toilet of wonder
Ain't gonna shit nice
Watch out, you might just soil yourself
Better poop twice
Your train of shit will be altered
So if you must faulter be wise
Your ass is in diarrhea
It's like the poop is too light
Diarrhea
Is it scaring you tonight
Your ass is in diarrhea
Ain't used to what you like
Diarrhea
Diarrhea

More reason why KFC's THE best

As you fellow Humpathon readers already know, KFC is THE way of life. Screw Ronald and his cult. Here's a recent news article on KFC which further proves why the land of Sanders is the place to be.
"Three women stood naked outside a Kentucky Fried Chicken store, calling on the fast food giant to improve its animal welfare standards.

Wearing nothing but Santa hats, the three "naked chicks'' held a banner for good taste which read: 'Make it a Merry Chickmas (Chickmas) and boycott KFC'. The three vegans, all aged in their 20s... " (source: news.com.au)

ENOUGH SAID!!! Which other fast food outlet has 3 hot chicks in their 20's standing naked outside of it for your viewing pleasure?

Yet another reason to love KFC. These aren't the ACTUAL pics on the article mentioned above, but they should give you a rough idea bout how naked chicks "protesting" against KFC look like. Don't thank me, Fluffy feels this is vital.



Look at that old man! (and well, any other guy you see in the pic...) See how happy they are? Now you don't get this kinda service at Mc D's dontcha?
I rest my case.