Dear Emily Blunt
John Krasinski? You married him? Really Emily? He’s the reason I don’t watch The Office and besides, what’s with that huge chin of his? Does he use it as a tool to crack open walnuts? He's got more chins than a Chinese phonebook. And you call that acting? Bollocks! He makes Keanu Reeves look like friggin’ George Clooney.
But enough about him... No, wait. Just one more. You can be honest – he has the entire Jonas Brothers discography doesn’t he? Okay, now I'm done. Emily, I'm going to be blunt with you (see how funny I am?), regular guys don’t watch The Devil Wears Prada or a movie about the British monarch, but since you were in both, I found it hard to resist. I may have skipped to only your scenes in hopes of some skin, but hey, I am but a Moose with needs. That accent, that elegance... Damn Anne Hathaway for introducing you to John! Can you tell her how much I friggin' despise her?
You also proved to me and everyone else with half a brain on just how versatile you are by playing the damsel in distress in The Wolfman – I got so pissed when that overgrown mutt chased you around! I mean, screw what the SPCA would say, I'd shoot that overgrown poodle right in the head. Oh, I hear you’ll be taking on the role of Princess Mary in Gulliver’s Travels too, and for the record, even if you were struck by a shrink ray and actually got reduced to the size of a Liliputian, my feelings for you wouldn’t change – unlike John Krasinski. I trust you’ll make the right choice, Emily. You know how to reach me.
p.s: Look, we all know why you got that chin implant. He forced you into it so you could have matching his and her chins, didn't he? I wouldn't force you to have a nose as big as mine. I accept you for who you are. I'm sure you'll make the right choice, Emily. Love,
Teh Moose
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