Teh Moose's Guide to Macau

When the Moose last left his readers, (once again, their existence is questionable, just like Akon’s singing ‘talent’) it was with a picture of Maria Ozawa, possibly one of the hottest Japanese AV stars around. Then again, my porn knowledge is limited to only the likes of her, Kayden Kross and Kaylani Lei, so what would I know? Back to the story, after my whole porn-escapade thanks to the super fast Internet (and super expensive) at the hotel, the next day saw a full scale conquering of Macau’s touristy attractions like:


The Macau Museum

Like most museums world wide, this one filled my nostrils with dust, filled my eyes with the view of insignificant historical items and clouded my mind with palpable boredom. Now for the educational part: What started off as an effective defence against the Dutch robot army back in the 17th century, this Jesuits built fortress went through a range of transformations – from the official residence of the Governor of Macau to a brothel in 87’, a jalapeno factory in 92 and now finally, it functions as the Macau Museum. Inside this half a storey building, the development of Macau in terms of culture, religion, whores, commercial activities, art and tradition among others is displayed through artefacts and other objects of great historical value like the Bronze Dildo of Lust. Located in the Mount Fortress that sits on the lap of the Mount Hill, a step outside of the Macau Museum is all it takes to enjoy a panoramic view of the Ruins of St. Paul’s, find out where most of the ladies are gathered and heck, to find Waldo even.

Guests are even allowed to have a feel at the mere price of $25 and a widened anus

Macau Tower

Since everything in Macau is related to sex somehow, the Macau Tower aka Huge Penis aka Dildo Tower, is another huge attraction. Opened on 19th December 2001, the Macau Tower is the 10th tallest tower in the world and second longest artificial penis in the universe after Michael Jackson. It offers much more than just its delicious buffet at a 360° cafe and an opportunity to bungee down 338 metres while your life flashes you by. For one, you can calmly watch people wet their pants while trying to impress their date by leaping off the tower as you calmly enjoy a magnificent view of all of Macau and much of the Pearl River Delta from the observation deck. Don’t have a date? Put that electric shaver down, cause’ at the Tower, not only do you get over priced souvenirs being sold, but women too. What better place to get laid than in a giant penis? Visitors also have the chance to walk around the outside of the tower on the “Skywalk” while passing reassuring signs which say things like “Why live on the edge when you can jump off?” And remember to look for innocent teddy bears hung by their hind legs from the ceiling along the Skywalk. This is believed to appease the spirit of Splatdownwee, the God of Bungee Jumping and everything related to heights and suicide. Another cool aspect of the Macau Tower is its see-through glass floor, allowing you to see thousands of feet directly underneath you and at the same time encourages prayer recitals. Yes, the Macau Tower does indeed offer a relaxing escapade for people of all ages, gender and self-esteem conditions.

Lord Splatdownwee will be pleased at this week's offering.

Senado Square

Ahh, the place I frequented the most. It has this open-air mall concept, with boutiques, shops, street food, street hookers, pork, sliced pork, pork jerky, gold shops, traditional pharmacies and sundry shops selling cheap booze. This square with its distinctive wave-patterned stone mosaic pavement has been the centre of Macau since dinosaurs roamed the island, and besides the whole ‘open-air’ mall concept also hosts several public events, festivities and orgies. Brightly lit up buildings from he 19th and 20th century, an elegant fountain, dog poo, trees, benches and many more features draw the Macanese and tourists alike day after day to Senado Square. What makes this place unique is its perfect blend of old and new – with old colonial buildings inhabited by names such as Giordano, Nine West and other international and local designer brands and old rich men with names like Uncle Chan walking proudly beside their 19 year old ‘girlfriends’ with names like Cherry or Mimi. Taking a stroll around Senado Square, don’t be surprised to stumble across seemingly misplaced landmarks like the St. Dominic’s Church, Holy House of Mercy and the ‘Leal Senado’ Building. Back in 1876, aliens aware of the high levels of drunkards in Macau thought it would be a fun practical joke to chuck colonial buildings in the middle of nowhere and watch their reactions. What initially was intended as a joke actually became serious when drunks saw this as a ‘sign’ and abruptly stopped getting shit faced. Since then, Macau has turned to gambling and women as a source of income.

"Ahaha! That one just soiled himself, Bob!"

Nightlife

I intentionally left this for last – the amazing nightlife of Macau. Bars, pubs, clubs, karaoke lounges, casinos and restaurants are merely a friction of what Macau has to offer once the sun decides to call it a day. Yes, a friction cause’ then there are the Spas, Saunas, ‘Happy Massage’ joints, strip bars, table top bars, live sex shows, kittens, and other ‘hump and dump’ joints. For those seeking bars and pubs, stroll along Avenida Sun Yat Sen for great music, drinks and Latino D-cups while enjoying the view of boats gliding by on the Pearl River and breasts occasionally popping out for some fresh air. As for the casinos, all you need to do is close your eyes, randomly point in any direction and you have your casino picked for the night along with a prostitute. Nearly every hotel has a casino inside, and each casino has a fine supply of chips and tits.

In these hard times, kittens have turned to prostitution as a source of income

Some Examples

Hard Rock Hotel Macau in the City of Dreams would make music enthusiasts wet themselves in excitement with all the Rock memorabilia on the walls. Then you have the option of visiting the open air Wave Pool Bar & Grill and for a truly unforgettable experience – head on over to The Bubble, a free 10-minute fantastic 3D blowjob experience with explosive visuals, orgasms and incredible sound. The famous Grand Lisboa catches the eye from miles away with its flashy neon lights and tall, dominant figure. Oh wait… it could’ve been those girls outside with their flashy neon bras, lighted up panties and with their tall and dominant figure. It gets confusing at times. Just as impressive on the inside, Grand Lisboa offers 431 ultra luxurious rooms, a gaming area that spreads over four floors, a bar in which guests can sit back, relax, have a couple of drinks while drooling over the Crazy Paris Show or even catch some Japanese artistic dancers performing for Tokyo Nights, with new shows every month. (This will be left out intentionally for the next post) What truly makes an unforgettable night in Macau is walking around aimlessly, really. Try walking into any random club/casino/hotel with an open mind and your fly down, and believe you me, the surprises are endless. Think of Macau as a place that never sleeps and in turn, makes you want to disregard the very thought of climbing into bed for even a few hours of shuteye and instead, sleep with everyone. There is just simply too much to see and do and hump in Macau, be it night or day, rain or shine, Chinese or European.

Cirque de Soleil - When you can't get a real job, join the circus.

The 'artistic' dancers moments before the visual display of the female anatomy. Bring your kids!