Miss Cel-lu-li-tee

Now, if there's one thing that disgusts me more than the songs they play on radio... okay, I can't just name one thing. We're all pretty familiar with the long list of things that annoy and disgust me by now. But one of 'em would be people who are, erm, how do I put this nicely... fat and decide to put their flabs on display. What? Oh, you're not fat? You're big boned? The image (and logic) below seems to indicate otherwise, but sure, if that tickles your pickle. Ah crap. You're hungry now upon reading "pickle", aren't you? 

Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against people who are fat/obese/overweight. Nothing at all, but I can't help but feel repulsed by those who are fat, yet dress up in the most revealing outfits. "You asshole! I'm comfortable in my own skin, I'll wear what I please you skinny, twig-for-arms motherfucker!" Yeah, but it makes EVERYONE else UN-comfortable and besides, how comfy can it be having fat jiggling around like a wind chime? Then when guys look, whaddya know? It's +10 to self-esteem! 

Look out for my Twerk video coming soon!

But that's not my point, I couldn't care less what makes them feel better, whether it's an entire tub of ice-cream drowned in chocolate sauce, marshmallows, bacon, rabbits and cornflakes or only posting pics of themselves, neck up. Cool down on the super, short shorts will ya? Unlike you guys, some of us are skinny and can't afford to lose our appetites. Yes, I am talkin' about fat people dressing up in outfits 7 times smaller their size then stomping around malls, clubs and whatnot proudly parading their cellulite.

Megan, you can wear short shorts anytime. 

And as with all the things I hate, this too, has now given me inspiration to rant. Heck, fuck it, I'll even go to the extent of writing a song. 

ORIGINAL SONG: 'Dy-Na-Mi-Tee' by Miss Dynamite
PARODY: 'Cel-Lu-Li-Tee' by Teh Moose

Yo I'm not the same little girl that grew up next door to you

Went through all the things a teenage girl goes through

Eatin' out all night breakin my curfew

When my daddy locked the fridge I gave my mumma the blues

Use 2 spend my time blazin' lazin' days away

Knew I was fat left home at 15 didn't want to obey

Had 2 get my act together couldn't take the heat

Ah, who am I kiddin'? Let's go fuckin' eat

I'm Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

I stay eatin' up ur cereals everybody gotta still feed me though

I'm just Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

Hear me chompin' on da radio

Now feel my carbs, u get me though

I'm Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

See me bouncin' in da video

And I come to eat some more

I'm Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

Everybody loose control

Let my lips touch your bowl

I remember all the house parties that took place

Bein' in my bed upstairs and I would be stuffin' my face

And my cousins and my brothers we'd sit up all night

Listenin' to my family vibin', eating till the mornin' light

Remember my first years of school I was so innocent

I just wanted to fuckin' eat I never been so content

But the more that I ate I found my pants growing tight

Fuck that, gimme another Sprite,

Cause I be

I'm Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

I stay eatin' up ur Oreo

Everybody gotta hear me though

I'm just Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

Hear me munchin' on da radio

Now feel my belly grow, u get me though

I'm Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

See me bouncin' in da video

And I come to eat at the show

I'm Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

Everybody loose control

Gimme whatever's in that bowl

At 13 I thought I was in love with this guy

Then I realised that all I ever needed was just some pie

Remember eatin' the class clown I was just a disruptive fool

And the beatin' I got first time suspended from school

Remember Sunday School and after go to granmas for lunch

Macaroni, rice and peas, chicken and pineapple punch

Never loved sharing with my mum brother sister and me

Cause' the food was never enough to let me grow

to be

I'm Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

My legs' jiggle like Jell-O

Everybody can hear me walkin' through

I'm just Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

Yeh I'm fat but I reveal it all yo

Now deal widdit and pass me the dough

I'm Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

See me bouncin' around in a video

And I'd even eat that fuckin' crow

I'm Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

I can't help but loose control

Now come here while I try to eat ur soul

I'm just Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

The Game We Call Work

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Insidiously Idiotic

I've sorta given up on movies lately. I remember a time when I could actually list down my "top 5 favourite movies of the month" or if I've been consuming my Scott's Emulsion Cod Liver Oil as instructed by my mother, I could even possibly name my favourite movies for the year. This time around, that doesn't happen. The last good movie I watched was... Fast Five. Whoopee-doo. Most recently, it was Insidious. Which was NOT a good movie.

No one's telling this lil' shit how to get to Sesame Street

in·sid·i·ous

adjective /inˈsidēəs/ 

Proceeding in a gradual, subtle way, but with harmful effects

- sexually transmitted diseases can be insidious and sometimes without symptoms

Treacherous; crafty

- tangible proof of an insidious alliance

According to the Moose-tionary, it simply means a stupid horror movie.

I usually wouldn't bother watching a new horror movie release, cause' all the new ones have kids with long hair, violin music and a noisy baby who cries half the movie. But from what I heard about this one, it was scary. VERY, scary in fact. I was intrigued. I had free tickets (always a huge plus), and with all that talk about it being freaky, I was finally ready to sit down and watch a proper movie. Plus, I sorta enjoyed Paranormal Activity and Saw (both, only the first ones), and that James Wan bugger directed Insidious as well. This had to be good, I kept convincing myself.

Sadly, here's how the story went...

The Setting

If you're familiar with Paranormal Activity, you should know how it goes:

They start off with a happy family doing some fun-filled family activity together like bitching about Aunt Margaret and her moustache, the couple is always happy, and the woman is always a house wife. (Sexist! Nah, I kid. Kitchen is where they belong) Then they'd usually have a kid or two. Perhaps a dog. They'll live in a huge house, definitely with a basement or an attic. And oh, they have to be white. Cause' like the great Eddie Murphy once said, when a ghost says "Get outttt," black people get the fuck outta there, but not white folks... no sir-eee. They go, "Well, that's peculiar... what is that?" And then they end up getting fucked. Not literally, cause now that would be fun. Gettin' fucked by a ghost. So anyway, that's exactly how Insidious starts. More or less...

Seriously, how can you not talk about Aunt Marg?

Next, we have subtle hints that something just ain't right with the house. Perhaps something really small, and almost unnoticeable at first, like a missing box. An open door. A soft thump. (Heehee, thump rhymes with 'hump') Etc. Then it turns dark, and the noises slowly increase day by day, and just like Paranormal Activity, the level of violence and disturbance increases by the day. Some of the disturbances include door slamming, a baby crying, hearing a voice over the baby monitor, laughter, shadows, sudden flashes of a scary figure/face and kids complaining about stuff like "he keeps looking at me mummy" or "I don't like him anymore." And of course, mummy has to ask who "he" is, and the kid will probably say "the little boy who lives upstairs, mummy" or crap like that. You get the picture.

"He keeps looking at me, mummy!"

Anyway, so things start getting more violent, and the wife is convinced the house is haunted. Even more so since her eldest boy suddenly falls into a coma, and not even the non-Malaysian doctors can explain the reason. Soon she resorts to an exorcist (who of course has to be an old lady), and finds out that the issue is not with the house, but with the kid. Naturally, the husband thinks it's all a load of crap, but soon, he too starts believing. Then the exorcist explains what happened to the kid. He can basically go on a "soul train" and separate himself from his body at night, when he sleeps. Only this time, he got a little too adventurous, and got lost. Take that for not leaving bread crumbs! Oh nuuu! How do they get his soul back? Through a stupid twist of course!

Get on the soulllll plane, brotha!

The Twist: In a sudden turn of events that would usually only be possible in an M. Night Shyamalan movie, the father TOO has the ability to "soul surf" and so he heroically gets transported into this dimension called "The Further" and from there onwards, the movie starts sucking big time. Why? Well, he has a fist fight with one of the ghosts for starters... And horror movies basically start becoming boring when they show the ghosts. And in this movie, there were A LOT of ghosts - with cheap make up. I swear, even 13 Ghosts looked better.

Anyway, he goes to "The Further" looking for his son, brawls with a ghost, walks past a few other ghosts who reenact how they died, finds the ghost of some old hag who used to hang out with him when he went on his "soul-capades" when he was younger (in hopes of possessing his body), screams at her bravely "You're not real! I'm not afraid of you! I wore my Superman undies today!" and blah blah blah, finds the kid. Brings him back. End of story. Oh but wait! That old hag came back with him, so he's still stuck in 'The Further' which is possibly gonna lead to a much UN-anticipated sequel. [UPDATE: So yes, there was a sequel anddd they're even making a third chapter to the movie. Hurrah!]

Bottom line? The fuck? Haven't you been paying attention? Now go start from the top all over again.

Facebook Meltdowns

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Moose Confessions 1: Emily Blunt

Dear Emily Blunt

John Krasinski? You married him? Really Emily? He’s the reason I don’t watch The Office and besides, what’s with that huge chin of his? Does he use it as a tool to crack open walnuts? He's got more chins than a Chinese phonebook. And you call that acting? Bollocks! He makes Keanu Reeves look like friggin’ George Clooney.


But enough about him... No, wait. Just one more. You can be honest – he has the entire Jonas Brothers discography doesn’t he? Okay, now I'm done. Emily, I'm going to be blunt with you (see how funny I am?), regular guys don’t watch The Devil Wears Prada or a movie about the British monarch, but since you were in both, I found it hard to resist. I may have skipped to only your scenes in hopes of some skin, but hey, I am but a Moose with needs. That accent, that elegance... Damn Anne Hathaway for introducing you to John! Can you tell her how much I friggin' despise her?

You also proved to me and everyone else with half a brain on just how versatile you are by playing the damsel in distress in The Wolfman – I got so pissed when that overgrown mutt chased you around! I mean, screw what the SPCA would say, I'd shoot that overgrown poodle right in the head. Oh, I hear you’ll be taking on the role of Princess Mary in Gulliver’s Travels too, and for the record, even if you were struck by a shrink ray and actually got reduced to the size of a Liliputian, my feelings for you wouldn’t change – unlike John Krasinski. I trust you’ll make the right choice, Emily. You know how to reach me.

p.s: Look, we all know why you got that chin implant. He forced you into it so you could have matching his and her chins, didn't he? I wouldn't force you to have a nose as big as mine. I accept you for who you are. I'm sure you'll make the right choice, Emily. 




Love,
Teh Moose