Insidiously Idiotic

I've sorta given up on movies lately. I remember a time when I could actually list down my "top 5 favourite movies of the month" or if I've been consuming my Scott's Emulsion Cod Liver Oil as instructed by my mother, I could even possibly name my favourite movies for the year. This time around, that doesn't happen. The last good movie I watched was... Fast Five. Whoopee-doo. Most recently, it was Insidious. Which was NOT a good movie.

No one's telling this lil' shit how to get to Sesame Street

in·sid·i·ous

adjective /inˈsidēəs/ 

Proceeding in a gradual, subtle way, but with harmful effects

- sexually transmitted diseases can be insidious and sometimes without symptoms

Treacherous; crafty

- tangible proof of an insidious alliance

According to the Moose-tionary, it simply means a stupid horror movie.

I usually wouldn't bother watching a new horror movie release, cause' all the new ones have kids with long hair, violin music and a noisy baby who cries half the movie. But from what I heard about this one, it was scary. VERY, scary in fact. I was intrigued. I had free tickets (always a huge plus), and with all that talk about it being freaky, I was finally ready to sit down and watch a proper movie. Plus, I sorta enjoyed Paranormal Activity and Saw (both, only the first ones), and that James Wan bugger directed Insidious as well. This had to be good, I kept convincing myself.

Sadly, here's how the story went...

The Setting

If you're familiar with Paranormal Activity, you should know how it goes:

They start off with a happy family doing some fun-filled family activity together like bitching about Aunt Margaret and her moustache, the couple is always happy, and the woman is always a house wife. (Sexist! Nah, I kid. Kitchen is where they belong) Then they'd usually have a kid or two. Perhaps a dog. They'll live in a huge house, definitely with a basement or an attic. And oh, they have to be white. Cause' like the great Eddie Murphy once said, when a ghost says "Get outttt," black people get the fuck outta there, but not white folks... no sir-eee. They go, "Well, that's peculiar... what is that?" And then they end up getting fucked. Not literally, cause now that would be fun. Gettin' fucked by a ghost. So anyway, that's exactly how Insidious starts. More or less...

Seriously, how can you not talk about Aunt Marg?

Next, we have subtle hints that something just ain't right with the house. Perhaps something really small, and almost unnoticeable at first, like a missing box. An open door. A soft thump. (Heehee, thump rhymes with 'hump') Etc. Then it turns dark, and the noises slowly increase day by day, and just like Paranormal Activity, the level of violence and disturbance increases by the day. Some of the disturbances include door slamming, a baby crying, hearing a voice over the baby monitor, laughter, shadows, sudden flashes of a scary figure/face and kids complaining about stuff like "he keeps looking at me mummy" or "I don't like him anymore." And of course, mummy has to ask who "he" is, and the kid will probably say "the little boy who lives upstairs, mummy" or crap like that. You get the picture.

"He keeps looking at me, mummy!"

Anyway, so things start getting more violent, and the wife is convinced the house is haunted. Even more so since her eldest boy suddenly falls into a coma, and not even the non-Malaysian doctors can explain the reason. Soon she resorts to an exorcist (who of course has to be an old lady), and finds out that the issue is not with the house, but with the kid. Naturally, the husband thinks it's all a load of crap, but soon, he too starts believing. Then the exorcist explains what happened to the kid. He can basically go on a "soul train" and separate himself from his body at night, when he sleeps. Only this time, he got a little too adventurous, and got lost. Take that for not leaving bread crumbs! Oh nuuu! How do they get his soul back? Through a stupid twist of course!

Get on the soulllll plane, brotha!

The Twist: In a sudden turn of events that would usually only be possible in an M. Night Shyamalan movie, the father TOO has the ability to "soul surf" and so he heroically gets transported into this dimension called "The Further" and from there onwards, the movie starts sucking big time. Why? Well, he has a fist fight with one of the ghosts for starters... And horror movies basically start becoming boring when they show the ghosts. And in this movie, there were A LOT of ghosts - with cheap make up. I swear, even 13 Ghosts looked better.

Anyway, he goes to "The Further" looking for his son, brawls with a ghost, walks past a few other ghosts who reenact how they died, finds the ghost of some old hag who used to hang out with him when he went on his "soul-capades" when he was younger (in hopes of possessing his body), screams at her bravely "You're not real! I'm not afraid of you! I wore my Superman undies today!" and blah blah blah, finds the kid. Brings him back. End of story. Oh but wait! That old hag came back with him, so he's still stuck in 'The Further' which is possibly gonna lead to a much UN-anticipated sequel. [UPDATE: So yes, there was a sequel anddd they're even making a third chapter to the movie. Hurrah!]

Bottom line? The fuck? Haven't you been paying attention? Now go start from the top all over again.

Facebook Meltdowns

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Moose Confessions 1: Emily Blunt

Dear Emily Blunt

John Krasinski? You married him? Really Emily? He’s the reason I don’t watch The Office and besides, what’s with that huge chin of his? Does he use it as a tool to crack open walnuts? He's got more chins than a Chinese phonebook. And you call that acting? Bollocks! He makes Keanu Reeves look like friggin’ George Clooney.


But enough about him... No, wait. Just one more. You can be honest – he has the entire Jonas Brothers discography doesn’t he? Okay, now I'm done. Emily, I'm going to be blunt with you (see how funny I am?), regular guys don’t watch The Devil Wears Prada or a movie about the British monarch, but since you were in both, I found it hard to resist. I may have skipped to only your scenes in hopes of some skin, but hey, I am but a Moose with needs. That accent, that elegance... Damn Anne Hathaway for introducing you to John! Can you tell her how much I friggin' despise her?

You also proved to me and everyone else with half a brain on just how versatile you are by playing the damsel in distress in The Wolfman – I got so pissed when that overgrown mutt chased you around! I mean, screw what the SPCA would say, I'd shoot that overgrown poodle right in the head. Oh, I hear you’ll be taking on the role of Princess Mary in Gulliver’s Travels too, and for the record, even if you were struck by a shrink ray and actually got reduced to the size of a Liliputian, my feelings for you wouldn’t change – unlike John Krasinski. I trust you’ll make the right choice, Emily. You know how to reach me.

p.s: Look, we all know why you got that chin implant. He forced you into it so you could have matching his and her chins, didn't he? I wouldn't force you to have a nose as big as mine. I accept you for who you are. I'm sure you'll make the right choice, Emily. 




Love,
Teh Moose

Teh Movie Quiz

Here's a quiz in movies for a change! See if you can spot the 50 hidden movie titles in this picture.

The person who guesses the most movie titles correctly wins a small boost in self-esteem and one week's worth of diarrhea related suffering brought to you by the new Prosperity Burger from Mc Donalds.

Surely, we'll miss him!

Yes, we will, but don’t call him Shirley!

Remember the long, sad list of awfully talented people who passed away in 2010? No, not Bieber. I said ‘talented’. What’s wrong with you!? And she’s still alive... I think. Bummer... Anyway, the mourning continues and this time, adding to the list of pure talents who have left us to the big stage above is funnyman, Leslie Nielsen who passed away on 28th November 2010, at the age of 84 due to pneumonia. Teh Moose flips the finger to pneumonia! And Jersey Shore and raisins too, while I'm at it.

A tragic loss indeed especially since movies like Airplane, Naked Gun, Repossessed, Dracula: Dead and Loving It and the short-lived series Police Squad holds a special place in the hearts and funny bones of many. To pay tribute to this much-loved king of deadpan one-liners, Teh Moose presents to you some of his most memorable movie quotes.

Rest in Peace, you awesome man

NOTE: You’ll need to memorise at least one of these and share it with your spouse, parents, cousins, grandma, pets (unless you have a pet duck, they don’t really get his jokes) or Herald, the guitar-wielding Hobo who lives down your street. Do it!


NIELSENISMS


Quotes from Airplane!

Rumack: You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.
Elaine Dickinson: A hospital? What is it?
Rumack: It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now. 

Rumack: Captain, how soon can you land?
Captain Oveur: I can't tell.
Rumack: You can tell me. I'm a doctor.
Captain Oveur: No. I mean I'm just not sure.
Rumack: Well, can't you take a guess?
Captain Oveur: Well, not for another two hours.
Rumack: You can't take a guess for another two hours?


Quotes from Police Squad!

Dutch Gunderson: Who are you and how did you get in here?
Frank: I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith. 

Frank: We're sorry to bother you at such a time like this, Mrs. Twice. We would have come earlier, but your husband wasn't dead then

Frank: Is there a ransom note?
Ed: Yes, the butler found it; it was tied to this window and thrown into the rock garden. I sent the note to the lab; they're demanding one million dollars.
Frank: Why would the lab demand a million dollars?


Quotes from the Naked Gun movies:

Frank: Now, Jane, what can you tell us about the man you saw last night?
Jane: He's Caucasian.
Ed: Caucasian?
Jane: Yeah, you know, a white guy. A moustache. About six-foot-three.
Frank: Awfully big moustache.

Frank: This is Frank Drebin, Police Squad. Throw down your guns, and come on out with your hands up. Or come on out, then throw down your guns, whichever way you wanna do it. Just remember the two key elements here: one, guns to be thrown down; two, come on out!

Frank: Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes.

Frank: That's the red-light district. I wonder why Savage is hanging around down there.
Captain Ed Hocken: Sex, Frank?
Frank: Uh, no, not right now, Ed.

Frank: I'm single! I love being single! I haven't had this much sex since I was a Boy Scout leader!
[Music stops playing. Everyone stops talking and stares at him]
Frank: [to everybody] I mean at the time I was dating a lot.


Oh, and not everyone is aware that prior to his ruling of the comedy kingdom, Leslie Nielsen was a pretty big dramatic actor back in the 60’s, with leading roles in TV shows like The Virginian, Bonanza and he also starred in movies like Forbidden Planet and The Poseidon Adventure. Talk about talent!