If Only I Had Ghee

ORIGINAL SONG: 'Only When I Sleep' by The Corrs
PARODY: 'If Only I Had Ghee' by... The Kaurs

Found in every Punjabi household

You're always just hungry
Recipes in my head
You talk about Ranjit’s wife
And all the weight she shed
Your smell is like spoilt milk
With a spray of sweat
It crawls through my skin
You ask me where’s dinner
When even myself I’ve not fed

But if only I had ghee
I’d make you chapati
Spin that dough round and round
Then flip it upside-down
But I only hear you complain

Somehow I need ghee
Mold that atta round and round
Then turn it upside-down
But if only I had ghee

And when I walk out of the kitchen
You’re already passed out drunk
Your breath smells of Johnnie Walker
Then you look at my body
I'm trying to run South
Too late it's time to play
I'm lying in my bed
Thinking about Hrithik, distracted by your breath
Falling from the edge

But if only I had ghee
I’d make you chapatis, (chapatis)
I’ll spin that atta round and round
And turn it upside-down
But you didn’t go to Mydin
So where am I to find ghee, (ghee)
Got me spinning round and round
Looking up and down
But if only I had ghee
If only I had ghee

Liquor Shop

ORIGINAL SONG: 'Thrift Shop' by Macklemore
PARODY: 'Liquor Shop' by Moose

(a tribute to Tandang)

This is not Tandang. It is only a tribute

I'm gonna pop some cans
Only got twenty dollars in my pocket
I - I - I'm hunting, looking for a cheap drink
This is fucking awesome

Hop up on the bench like, "What up, I got 3 for 10!"
It's the middle of the month, I ain't going to no club
Uncle at the counter's all like "What a bunch of lifeless punks" 
Rollin' in, hella deep, headin' to the refridgerator, 
Taking muh time, choosing my can, amidst all those yapping drunks
Probably shoulda washed this, smells like R. Kelly's sheets
(Piiisssssss)
But shit, who cares, I'm drinking in a park!
Ain't no bouncers, annoying music and over-priced drinks,
I could save some bucks and still get wasted
Savin' my money and I'm hella happy that's a bargain, bitch
I'ma take that 12 percent, I'ma take that whisky in a bag,
No for real - ask the uncle - can I have a whisky bungkus? (Thank you)
The Godfather, Eagle, Bison and Bear
And add in some Chang, Blue Ice, Haywards, Amigos and udembe over there
Now pack it up, and get me a bench
Oh woah, we're next to a tall ass tree yo?
Damn straight, where do you think the pee and puke goes? 
You might find some ants, mosquitos and strays
Prolly end up tripping like "Aw, let's get 'em drunk too" 

Passport, Heiny, Carlsberg, Tiger,
Anchor, Pirate, Kingfisher,
I get it cheap, from that Liquor Shop, down the road

Some Magazine That We Used To Know

ORIGINAL SONG: Somebody That I Used to Know by Gotye 
PARODY: Somebody Magazine That We Used to Know by Moose

Death to Editorial Integrity

[Moose:]
Now and then I think of how we started
We gave birth to you, raised you from the first issue
Told ourselves that you were right for the readers
There were sleepless nights, paper jams and tears
But that was love and it's an ache we still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of job
Especially when we get compliments, fan mail and sale figures,
But when we found that you could no longer make sense
Thanks to bosses who have no idea of what they want,
It’s tough but we’ll admit that we’re glad it is over

But those pricks didn’t have to cut us off,
Act as if the mag never happened and that we were nothing
And we don't even need your “help”
You treat us like garbage and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your suck-ups turn on us and voice out nothing,
I guess that we don't need that though
Now you're just some magazine that we used to know

Now you're just some magazine that we used to know
Now you're just some magazine that we used to know

[IP Freely:]
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed us over
Part of us believing it was always something that we’d done
But we don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let us go
So fuck it, we’re out and the magazine is just something that we used to know

[Moose:]
Those scumbags didn't have to cut us off
Act like the compliments never happened and that we were nothing
And we don’t even need this shit
You treat us like we’re nothing and expect us to stay
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your minions walk in for that weekly blow
Too bad but we’re not fake and won’t stoop that low
Now you're just some magazine that we used to know

[x2]
Some magazine
(We used to know)
Some magazine
(Now you're just some magazine that we used to know)

(We used to know)
(That we used to know)
(We used to know)
Some magazine

Somebody That You Used to Blow

ORIGINAL SONG: 'Somebody That I Used to Know' by Gotye 
PARODY: 'Somebody That You Used to Blow' by Moose

Ever had that one close guy friend with whom you shared "bromance" moments with? You know the one you constantly text, hang out with, drink with, talk about your E.D problem and that persisting yeast infection, how you once slept with your own cousin and all that other shit? That's cool and all. But what if... one day, you find out he's gay and that he's been taking advantage of you the entire time? This is a song of one such incident....

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
I actually wish you did
After all that time I spent in your company
You call this shit love and now the butt aches, I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of madness
Your addiction is the end, always the rear end
So when I found that this could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad it was over

But you didn't have to suck me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were something
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like your partner and you like it so rough
No you didn't have to bend so low
Have your friends record it and then post it on lemon party
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just some fag that I used to know

Now I'm just somebody that you used to blow
Now I'm just somebody that you used to blow

[Kimbra:]
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
Had me believing it was always just some green candy
But I don't wanna live that way
Falling for that trick every single day
You said that you would let me go
And I hope I don’t catch your dick hung on someone else that I know

[Gotye:]
But you didn't have to jerk me off
Touch my family jewels and pretend it was nothing
I don't fucking need your “love”
So please treat me like a stranger, I don’t care if it’s tough
No you didn't have to go so low
Tell your friends your record and talk about my member 
I guess that I don't need that though
Now I'm just somebody that you used to blow

[x2]
Somebody
(You used to blow)
Somebody
(Now I'm just somebody that you used to blow)

(You used to blow)
(That you used to blow)
(You used to blow)
Somebody you used to blow

Disclaimer: The Moose has nothing against homosexuals (literally, too). In fact, some of the coolest people the Moose knows are gay. Like Neil Patrick Harris and Zachary Quinto. Mmmhm, him too. Look it up. 

Miss Cel-lu-li-tee

Now, if there's one thing that disgusts me more than the songs they play on radio... okay, I can't just name one thing. We're all pretty familiar with the long list of things that annoy and disgust me by now. But one of 'em would be people who are, erm, how do I put this nicely... fat and decide to put their flabs on display. What? Oh, you're not fat? You're big boned? The image (and logic) below seems to indicate otherwise, but sure, if that tickles your pickle. Ah crap. You're hungry now upon reading "pickle", aren't you? 

Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against people who are fat/obese/overweight. Nothing at all, but I can't help but feel repulsed by those who are fat, yet dress up in the most revealing outfits. "You asshole! I'm comfortable in my own skin, I'll wear what I please you skinny, twig-for-arms motherfucker!" Yeah, but it makes EVERYONE else UN-comfortable and besides, how comfy can it be having fat jiggling around like a wind chime? Then when guys look, whaddya know? It's +10 to self-esteem! 

Look out for my Twerk video coming soon!

But that's not my point, I couldn't care less what makes them feel better, whether it's an entire tub of ice-cream drowned in chocolate sauce, marshmallows, bacon, rabbits and cornflakes or only posting pics of themselves, neck up. Cool down on the super, short shorts will ya? Unlike you guys, some of us are skinny and can't afford to lose our appetites. Yes, I am talkin' about fat people dressing up in outfits 7 times smaller their size then stomping around malls, clubs and whatnot proudly parading their cellulite.

Megan, you can wear short shorts anytime. 

And as with all the things I hate, this too, has now given me inspiration to rant. Heck, fuck it, I'll even go to the extent of writing a song. 

ORIGINAL SONG: 'Dy-Na-Mi-Tee' by Miss Dynamite
PARODY: 'Cel-Lu-Li-Tee' by Teh Moose

Yo I'm not the same little girl that grew up next door to you

Went through all the things a teenage girl goes through

Eatin' out all night breakin my curfew

When my daddy locked the fridge I gave my mumma the blues

Use 2 spend my time blazin' lazin' days away

Knew I was fat left home at 15 didn't want to obey

Had 2 get my act together couldn't take the heat

Ah, who am I kiddin'? Let's go fuckin' eat

I'm Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

I stay eatin' up ur cereals everybody gotta still feed me though

I'm just Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

Hear me chompin' on da radio

Now feel my carbs, u get me though

I'm Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

See me bouncin' in da video

And I come to eat some more

I'm Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

Everybody loose control

Let my lips touch your bowl

I remember all the house parties that took place

Bein' in my bed upstairs and I would be stuffin' my face

And my cousins and my brothers we'd sit up all night

Listenin' to my family vibin', eating till the mornin' light

Remember my first years of school I was so innocent

I just wanted to fuckin' eat I never been so content

But the more that I ate I found my pants growing tight

Fuck that, gimme another Sprite,

Cause I be

I'm Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

I stay eatin' up ur Oreo

Everybody gotta hear me though

I'm just Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

Hear me munchin' on da radio

Now feel my belly grow, u get me though

I'm Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

See me bouncin' in da video

And I come to eat at the show

I'm Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

Everybody loose control

Gimme whatever's in that bowl

At 13 I thought I was in love with this guy

Then I realised that all I ever needed was just some pie

Remember eatin' the class clown I was just a disruptive fool

And the beatin' I got first time suspended from school

Remember Sunday School and after go to granmas for lunch

Macaroni, rice and peas, chicken and pineapple punch

Never loved sharing with my mum brother sister and me

Cause' the food was never enough to let me grow

to be

I'm Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

My legs' jiggle like Jell-O

Everybody can hear me walkin' through

I'm just Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

Yeh I'm fat but I reveal it all yo

Now deal widdit and pass me the dough

I'm Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

See me bouncin' around in a video

And I'd even eat that fuckin' crow

I'm Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

I can't help but loose control

Now come here while I try to eat ur soul

I'm just Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee