Centipedes vs Millipedes

By now, I was hoping everyone would already have their Crush-Teh-Centipede Kit at hand, constantly on the lookout for slithering, million-legged terrorpedes crawling out of drains, sinks and on certain instances, out of Queen Latifah's fat ass. But noo... Some people may have the kit, they may have the hatred... and don't get me wrong - that brings me insanely great joy. Almost like the day when either my step-father or Justin Bieber dies. So, anyway. After smacking the "centipedes" to glory, or simply taking pictures of centipedes to torment me with captions like "Look Moosey! It's your friend XD" or "Want these in your pants? No? Then gimme all your bacon!" (which is a real cruel threat by the way), they show me... millipedes.

Look, millipedes are MILESSSS apart from centipedes. No where near. It's like the North Pole and South Pole. Like Samuel L Jackson and Prince. Like Susan Boyle and Kim Kardashian... They don't even deserve to be compared! I'm not saying this in a sense, that I'm insulted or... actually, for some strange reason, supporting those creatures from Hell. God, no. That would be insane. I just want people to know the damn differences, so that more centipedes can be killed, and innocent millipede lives can be saved. With that being said, I'm gonna list down some notable similarities and differences between the two. So the next time anyone comes up to you, and says 'Meh, centipedes and millipedes. Tomatos, tomatoes. Pussy, vagina. Tis all the same dude.' You should react this way...

I'll tell you why. Let's start with the similarities...

CENTIPEDES AND MILLIPEDES - a case study

The Similarities

• They both have "pede" in their names. And just so you know, 'pede' is the French slang for 'pedo'. Don't look that up... Either way, it reflects on how much they suck.
• They're both related to Uncle George from the lobsters, crayfish and shrimp family
• They both enjoy moist areas like your ass, and/or places with high humidity... like your ass 
• They have both died in the hands of Teh Moose. What!? That damn millipede walked in my path, damn it. He was asking for it

So much for similarities... Now for what sets them apart. (And why you should hate centipedes more)

The Differences

• One is a sick, demented, twisted... Okay, this is getting too personal. Centipedes are part of a class known as Chilopoda, (which is NOT Mexican for Broccoli Fucker) while Millipedes are part of the Diplopoda class.
• Millipedes poop in fear or coil like a bunch of pansies when provoked. Centipedes leap on you and inject you with venom.

Mummy, look! Is a chocolate ball!

Ooo, look at me! I'm all coiled up. Maybe the evil humans will leave me alone now. *PROD*

• Centipedes move fast. And I mean... fast. One second you're chasing them with a hammer, you get distracted by your neighbour's hot daughter, Natalie, and POOF! They're gone. Millipedes on the other hand... You could be chasing em with a

  

  Imma take you on, Usain Bolt

  slipper, get distracted by Natalie, watch her take a shower, watch her notice you peeping, but instead of screaming, she smiles and invites you in. She goes down on you, she says she's been watching you ever since you moved into Dolphin Court in Seychelles, you guys have sex, then you get hungry, so you order some Island Fried Chicken (real famous in Seychelles), watch some Tupac video clips, kiss her goodbye, remember that slipper and that millipede you were chasing... and still find it in that same spot... Or maybe it moved to the wall. Either way... *SPLAT* Or not. They're harmless, let 'em be. 
• Centipedes have less legs as compared to millipedes. For the centipedes, they have like one pair of legs per body segment, while millipedes have two for each segment. (cept the front three segments - those have a pair each)
• Centipedes BITE! HARD! Some bites can even prove fatal. Millipedes probably let off a stench that smells like Aunt Martha's cooking, and pray you get so terrified that you flee. Hoping that they could head to the pub after and brag to their other Millipede mates on how they warded off an annoying human. Don't go rubbing your eyes after touching Millipedes though. That smelly goo they let off has toxins, and could possibly be harmful to your eyes and in severe cases, you might grow a third nipple.
• Centipedes have long ass antennae (so they can track their prey, a.k.a you and I, better). Millipedes have short ones, possibly because they're related to the Japanese.
• Female centipedes are HIGHLY defensive/protective over their eggs, and they WILL friggin' coil into an "S" shape and jump straight at you when provoked. Millipedes will say "Fuck that! Let's just make new babies" and abandon their eggs when threatened.
• Centipedes have documentaries, movies and sex positions made after or about them. Millipedes appear in documentaries and movies by mistake.
• Millipedes get owned by little assassin bug nymphs (ectrichodia crux). Centipedes are able to eat snakes.

Not to be confused for a teenage millipede with acne problems

The fuck's wrong with this guy? 

Here's the VIDEO

• THEY LOOK FUCKING DIFFERENT YOU SHIT-HEADS!

There, now that's settled. Any time any of you go hiking, jungle trekking or whatnot and stumble upon a CENTIPEDE, KILL IT! Refer to my previous centipede-related post on methods of killing them HERE!