FHM Fan Mail

As some of you may already not know, I'm currently working with FHM Malaysia. If you're another one of those going "BRO! YOU GOT THE BEST JOB EVER LAH! YOU SEE CHICKS EVERY DAY. TITS! ASS! HOW DOES IT FEEL? (how do THEY feel?) YOU'RE SO LUCKY!" - let me stop you right there. I spend possibly, one or two days a month attending photoshoots, the rest of my working life for FHM is spent in front of the PC writing stories, reading e-mails, attending meetings after meetings, brainstorming ideas, editing and being sarcastic. It IS a great job, yes, but only because I've always liked writing and I've been reading FHM for a decade now. Back to today's post, my job scope includes overlooking all aspects of the magazine, and yes, this includes our social media platforms. Going through all the comments, filtering the offensive ones and reading whatever our dear readers or random netizens send to our e-mail inbox or Facebook inbox is a pretty damn good stress reliever, I tells ya! Sure as Hell beats reading 50 Shades of Grey (just guessing here). What makes it even funnier is that a majority of these guys can't seem to fathom that they're sending messages to FHM's page. A page that changes its profile picture monthly, a page that posts up all sorts of content, a page... not an actual girl. 
Keeping these hilarious messages all to myself would be selfish, and I'm all up for sharing anything (besides bacon, alcohol, Kate Upton, my books and past issues of FHM) so I've taken the liberty to compile some of the messages sent to FHM since 2014 for you lot. 

I don't know. Can you? 

And would this be for photography or personal use? 

Hai. Takde leh. Duk closing majalah je

Well, you better. This is the exact replica from Nelly's video

an yu veri romance veri swits ai lawyu2

This guy straight up wrote his full name and number. That's all. What a man

Are you asking me how? Wait, what's a "wemen"? 

*You're

What?! No wai! Me too! 

Only if it comes with perks like free bacon

Virtual roses?! For me? You shouldn't have gone through all the trouble of those mouse clicks

Hey. No. 

Are you calling me old? I hate you. 

Hey, I'm fi -- AHHH! 

I love best me, too

And the award for Most Persistent (and confusing) Fan Mail goes to...

12 Things You See At (nearly) All Cafes

"Exposed brick walls?" Check. "Wooden furniture?" Check. "Chalkboards?" Check. "Butcher paper menus?" Check. "Coffee?" Check. “Bare light bulbs?” Check. Heyyy, let's open a cafe! Dear lord, how 'bout you skip the cliché decor and invest the money on kitchen staff and some actual good food and coffee? That’s the thing about Malaysia isn’t it? All it takes is one success story, and everyone jumps on the bandwagon Stevie Wonder-like without actually putting any proper thought into it. Remember the Burger Bakar phase? And then came all the other burger cafes. Then there are all the ice-cream joints popping up. More recently, would be the food truck craze. Bangsar and Subang have way too many “artisanal” coffee joints to list, with one sprouting out every other month. You step inside, and it’s like trying to differentiate between one Punjabi wedding from another – you can’t. Here’s a checklist of things that are often found in cafes for you guys, print it out and if you check at least 7 out of the 12, you know I’m right (once again). 

Let's see how many you can spot

CAFE CHECKLIST 


EXPOSED BRICK WALLS 

WOODEN FURNITURE 

CHALKBOARDS 

BARE LIGHT BULBS 

A SHOP NAME THAT HAS “COFFEE” IN IT 

EXPOSED PIPES

SOME GUY WITH A MAC 

SOME GIRL SNAPPING PHOTOS OF HER OVERPRICED SANDWICH/DESSERT 

“WITTY” QUOTES MOUNTED ON THE WALL 

A SIGN WITH THE CAFÉ’S INSTAGRAM HANDLE 

BUTCHER PAPER MENUS

FREE WI-FI 

The lack of creativity annoys me. Sure, upon walking in my first few cafes, I was like "Hey, this place looks pretty darn cozy", but after the fifth one, I had trouble differentiating one from another. Nothing stands out. Step out of your comfort zone, be different, add your own touch to the place, why don't ya? It may be the path of least resistance, but Gawddd it's boring. 

Make a music-themed cafe, add some cats in there, hammocks perhaps, a sci-fi cafe anyone? No? A moose-themed cafe? A cafe with topless waitresses like the Grand View Topless Coffee Shop in Vassalboro, Maine? Or the world famous Cafe Lu in Vietnam?

I like my women like I like my coffee. White

"I'll have the... uh... can you repeat the menu please?"

Comeback Fails

If you practice the art of sarcasm, hey that's awesome, we should meet up sometime. Unless you're a dude of course, then screw you. Not literally but you... argh! Getting back to my point, as a frequent user of sarcasm, you'll notice that very often:

a.) not everyone gets it

b.) not everyone has a sense of humour and lastly,

c.) those not blessed with intelligence, use poorly constructed "comebacks"

According to the only dictionary I read, the Urban Dictionary, a lame-back can be defined as such:

A response to a insult in which you insult the person who insulted you with the insult they insulted you with.

Person: Nick, you are a Mexican and gay
Nick: No, you're gay
Person: That was a lame-back

Now, that's but only one example.

Here are some other examples of comebacks that fail and should also be avoided at all costs:

• Anything that involves "your mother"

Example:

Remark: Whoa, nice profile pic. How much time did you spend on Photoshop?

Response: Not as much time as your mother!

But... my mum doesn't even know how to use Photoshop and she doesn't have 6732 profile pictures in various angles and effects. She doesn't even have Facebook! (I hope) Why bring up my mother?

• Repeating sentences in a squeaky voice

Example:

Remark: I doubt I can eat as much as I wanna puke after watching you dance

Response: (in a squeaky voice and often, a retarded facial expression) I doubt I can eat as much as I wanna puke after watching you dance (arm waving)

Now I doubt I can eat as much as I wanna smack you with a frying pan.

• Replying with "Whatevah"

• Attempting to use reverse psychology

Example:

Remark: I doubt I can eat as much as I wanna puke after watching you dance

Response: Yeah lah, I know you're a good dancer lah. Who am I after all?

How does agreeing to what I say make it any better for you?

Now that you know, run along my child, and practice, or heck, even Google search if you're guilty of any of the above mentioned "comebacks."

If Only I Had Ghee

ORIGINAL SONG: 'Only When I Sleep' by The Corrs
PARODY: 'If Only I Had Ghee' by... The Kaurs

Found in every Punjabi household

You're always just hungry
Recipes in my head
You talk about Ranjit’s wife
And all the weight she shed
Your smell is like spoilt milk
With a spray of sweat
It crawls through my skin
You ask me where’s dinner
When even myself I’ve not fed

But if only I had ghee
I’d make you chapati
Spin that dough round and round
Then flip it upside-down
But I only hear you complain

Somehow I need ghee
Mold that atta round and round
Then turn it upside-down
But if only I had ghee

And when I walk out of the kitchen
You’re already passed out drunk
Your breath smells of Johnnie Walker
Then you look at my body
I'm trying to run South
Too late it's time to play
I'm lying in my bed
Thinking about Hrithik, distracted by your breath
Falling from the edge

But if only I had ghee
I’d make you chapatis, (chapatis)
I’ll spin that atta round and round
And turn it upside-down
But you didn’t go to Mydin
So where am I to find ghee, (ghee)
Got me spinning round and round
Looking up and down
But if only I had ghee
If only I had ghee

Liquor Shop

ORIGINAL SONG: 'Thrift Shop' by Macklemore
PARODY: 'Liquor Shop' by Moose

(a tribute to Tandang)

This is not Tandang. It is only a tribute

I'm gonna pop some cans
Only got twenty dollars in my pocket
I - I - I'm hunting, looking for a cheap drink
This is fucking awesome

Hop up on the bench like, "What up, I got 3 for 10!"
It's the middle of the month, I ain't going to no club
Uncle at the counter's all like "What a bunch of lifeless punks" 
Rollin' in, hella deep, headin' to the refridgerator, 
Taking muh time, choosing my can, amidst all those yapping drunks
Probably shoulda washed this, smells like R. Kelly's sheets
(Piiisssssss)
But shit, who cares, I'm drinking in a park!
Ain't no bouncers, annoying music and over-priced drinks,
I could save some bucks and still get wasted
Savin' my money and I'm hella happy that's a bargain, bitch
I'ma take that 12 percent, I'ma take that whisky in a bag,
No for real - ask the uncle - can I have a whisky bungkus? (Thank you)
The Godfather, Eagle, Bison and Bear
And add in some Chang, Blue Ice, Haywards, Amigos and udembe over there
Now pack it up, and get me a bench
Oh woah, we're next to a tall ass tree yo?
Damn straight, where do you think the pee and puke goes? 
You might find some ants, mosquitos and strays
Prolly end up tripping like "Aw, let's get 'em drunk too" 

Passport, Heiny, Carlsberg, Tiger,
Anchor, Pirate, Kingfisher,
I get it cheap, from that Liquor Shop, down the road