The Slut Song

ORIGINAL: 'The Earth Song' by the late Michael Jackson
PARODY: 'The Slut Song' by Teh Moose

Try to have the original song playing in the background or something so you can sing along to it. It's great family fun. Bring your parents, partners and younger siblings too. 

                         

Forget about marriage
Forget about kids
Forget about all the things
That you expected to gain...
Forget about dates
Why waste time
Forget about all the things
That you said was yours and hers...
Did you ever stop to notice
All the so-called college trips
Did you ever stop to notice
The lying sluts, the cheating whores!?

Aaaaaaaaaah Aaaaaaaaaah

What have you done to the world
Look what you've done
What about all the sex
That you pledged was only mine...
What about flowers and meals
Is there a time
What about all the dreams
That you said was yours and mine...
Did you ever stop to notice
All the men dead from whores
Did you ever stop to notice
The lying sluts, the cheating whores!?

Aaaaaaaaaaah Aaaaaaaaaaah

I used to have wet dreams
I used to glance under your skirt
Now I don't know where you’ve been
For all I know, you’ve got herpes

Aaaaaaaaaaah Aaaaaaaaaaaah
Aaaaaaaaaaah Aaaaaaaaaaaah

Hey, what about yesterday
(Forget about hoes)
What about the gifts
(Forget about hoes)
The heavens are falling down
(Forget about hoes)
I can't even breathe
(Forget about hoes)
What about the notes I made
(Forget about hoes)
Can't you feel my wound
(Forget about hoes)
What about self worth
(ooo,ooo)
It's your own loss
(Forget about hoes)
What about my big schlong
(What about it)
That has turned kingdoms to dust
(Forget about hoes)
Well, you look like an elephant
(Forget about hoes)
Yes, I’ve lost trust
(Forget about hoes)
You ride the short bus
(Forget about hoes)
I think you have crabs
(Forget about hoes)
What about my bacon sammich bish
(ooo, ooo)
Burnt despite my pleas
(Forget about hoes)
What about your ‘holy land’
(What about it)
Now it’s torn apart by 5 dicks
(Forget about hoes)
What about the other man
(Forget about hoes)
Can't we set him on fire
(Forget about hoes)
What about your dignity dying
(Forget about hoes)
Can't you hear them cry
(Forget about hoes)
Where did your parents go wrong
(ooo, ooo)
Someone tell me why
(Forget about hoes)
What about boobies
(Forget about hoes)
What about the lays
(Forget about hoes)
What about all their joy
(Forget about hoes)
Fuck it, I ain’t turning gay
(Forget about hoes)
Your face is a moon crater
(Forget about hoes)
Oh, look e-bay sent my inflatable doll
(Forget about hoes)
What about your death
(ooo, ooo)
Like I give a damn

I'm A Little Alco

ORIGINAL: 'I'm a Little Teapot' by GodKnowsWho
PARODY: 'I'm a Little Alco' by Teh Moose

I'm a little alco
Hand me my stout
Here is my belly
Here is my mouth
When I get all thirsty
Hear me shout
Tip the bottle over and pour it all out

I'm a very special drunkard
It's so, so true
Here's an example of what I can do
I can make my voice suddenly sound like Elvis
A little more drinks, and I’ll be dry humping your pelvis

I'm a little alco
Beers and stouts
Here is some money
Now hand me my stout!
When I get all drunk and high
I just shout
Tip me over and watch puke pour out

I'm a very special drinker
It's fucking true
Here's an example of what I can do
I can turn my bottle into a flute
But when I sometimes get too high, I think my phlegm is glue.

Kids and Porn

You know, I've decided that I'm gonna start posting random thoughts here.
LOOK! TITS!
How's that for starters?!

Anyhoe, work has been fun, but extremely draining, hence my sudden absence. I know, I know. Rumors have emerged that I ran off to the jungles of Sabah while shrieking Moose mating calls secretly hoping of finding that one true love. Those rumors were partially true. Only, replace mating calls with 'tranquilizer.' Yes, but due to work, I can't really mass produce blog posts like I used to. NO! Don't cut your wrists just yet (I take pride in pretending that I have hardcore followers here)

So, anyway. I was thinking... You guys watch Japanese porn, don't ya? Of course you do.
Well, don't.
I find it to be one of the most annoying types of adult entertainment out there.
Sure, Maria Ozawa and Rio are freakishly hot, but... seriously. Maria sounds like a puppy getting sodomized with a 9 inch cucumber and Rio... she's just plain hot, but that whole 'kawaii' act. That shit for real? I mean... is that really how they talk? With that squeaky, 'anime' like voice, with those weird pouts and... WHY DO THEY CENSOR JAP PORN?!
It's not like the guys have a fuckin 7 inch Johnson anyways. All you need is one tiny pixel, and you're done. But nooooo, they gotta chuck a whole big pixelated square covering everything.

And you know what? Kids these days are so fucking spoilt. Back then, we used to get our fix by watching... sigh.. still images. YES! Admit it! Unless you had an elder brother who hid his porn CD stash of 'Saving Ryan's Privates' and 'Luke Thighwalker' unsuccessfully, or you had parents who were in the 'experimenting' stage and were so certain that their doors had been built sound proof by Uncle Lim the contractor... Otherwise, you TOO secretly crept up to the PC strategically placed in the middle of the hall by your parents, used a pillow as a silencer for that stupid loud-ass Jaring connection and enjoyed an hour or two of nice, still images of naked women. But no.... kids these days have MTV, they have YouTube, they have a long list of streaming porn sites, they have torrents... I hate kids.

I walk into Toys "R" Us now, and I go "WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T THEY HAVE THAT WHEN I WAS A KID!??" ... Walkin around, head buried in their damn PSPs, spending the evenings at home watching Ben 10... Damn kids.

And you know what? Christina Hendricks is inhumanely hot.

I mean, look at those... eyes.

"Air" Supply

ORIGINAL: 'All Out of Love' by Air Supply
PARODY: 'All Out of Herbs' by Teh Moose

I'm sitting alone with my mouth on my bong
Smoking you till it hurts
I know you hurt too but what else can we do
Tormented and torn apart
I wish I could carry your leaves on my lawn
For times when my bank account’s empty
You would make me believe that unicorns were real
But your leaves don’t grow, doesn't really grow


Chorus:
I 'm all out of herbs, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I 'm all out of herbs, I’m sober without you
I can't be too late to say that I should get a new bong


I want you to come back and get me stoned
Away from this stupid ‘yam cha’ nights
I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too
Those fucking lights look so bright, oh so bright
And what would you say if I bought you now
And said that I stopped smoking,
There's no easy way, it gets harder each day
Please love me and get me stoned, I'll be stoned

Chorus

Oh, what are you smoking there?
Is that a doobie? Do share.
Oh, what are you smoking son?
You look zonked to me, mon.

Pass me that wacky tobacky dammit!

Chorus (33565x)

Wait… how do the lyrics go again?

Teh Moose's Guide to Macau

When the Moose last left his readers, (once again, their existence is questionable, just like Akon’s singing ‘talent’) it was with a picture of Maria Ozawa, possibly one of the hottest Japanese AV stars around. Then again, my porn knowledge is limited to only the likes of her, Kayden Kross and Kaylani Lei, so what would I know? Back to the story, after my whole porn-escapade thanks to the super fast Internet (and super expensive) at the hotel, the next day saw a full scale conquering of Macau’s touristy attractions like:


The Macau Museum

Like most museums world wide, this one filled my nostrils with dust, filled my eyes with the view of insignificant historical items and clouded my mind with palpable boredom. Now for the educational part: What started off as an effective defence against the Dutch robot army back in the 17th century, this Jesuits built fortress went through a range of transformations – from the official residence of the Governor of Macau to a brothel in 87’, a jalapeno factory in 92 and now finally, it functions as the Macau Museum. Inside this half a storey building, the development of Macau in terms of culture, religion, whores, commercial activities, art and tradition among others is displayed through artefacts and other objects of great historical value like the Bronze Dildo of Lust. Located in the Mount Fortress that sits on the lap of the Mount Hill, a step outside of the Macau Museum is all it takes to enjoy a panoramic view of the Ruins of St. Paul’s, find out where most of the ladies are gathered and heck, to find Waldo even.

Guests are even allowed to have a feel at the mere price of $25 and a widened anus

Macau Tower

Since everything in Macau is related to sex somehow, the Macau Tower aka Huge Penis aka Dildo Tower, is another huge attraction. Opened on 19th December 2001, the Macau Tower is the 10th tallest tower in the world and second longest artificial penis in the universe after Michael Jackson. It offers much more than just its delicious buffet at a 360° cafe and an opportunity to bungee down 338 metres while your life flashes you by. For one, you can calmly watch people wet their pants while trying to impress their date by leaping off the tower as you calmly enjoy a magnificent view of all of Macau and much of the Pearl River Delta from the observation deck. Don’t have a date? Put that electric shaver down, cause’ at the Tower, not only do you get over priced souvenirs being sold, but women too. What better place to get laid than in a giant penis? Visitors also have the chance to walk around the outside of the tower on the “Skywalk” while passing reassuring signs which say things like “Why live on the edge when you can jump off?” And remember to look for innocent teddy bears hung by their hind legs from the ceiling along the Skywalk. This is believed to appease the spirit of Splatdownwee, the God of Bungee Jumping and everything related to heights and suicide. Another cool aspect of the Macau Tower is its see-through glass floor, allowing you to see thousands of feet directly underneath you and at the same time encourages prayer recitals. Yes, the Macau Tower does indeed offer a relaxing escapade for people of all ages, gender and self-esteem conditions.

Lord Splatdownwee will be pleased at this week's offering.

Senado Square

Ahh, the place I frequented the most. It has this open-air mall concept, with boutiques, shops, street food, street hookers, pork, sliced pork, pork jerky, gold shops, traditional pharmacies and sundry shops selling cheap booze. This square with its distinctive wave-patterned stone mosaic pavement has been the centre of Macau since dinosaurs roamed the island, and besides the whole ‘open-air’ mall concept also hosts several public events, festivities and orgies. Brightly lit up buildings from he 19th and 20th century, an elegant fountain, dog poo, trees, benches and many more features draw the Macanese and tourists alike day after day to Senado Square. What makes this place unique is its perfect blend of old and new – with old colonial buildings inhabited by names such as Giordano, Nine West and other international and local designer brands and old rich men with names like Uncle Chan walking proudly beside their 19 year old ‘girlfriends’ with names like Cherry or Mimi. Taking a stroll around Senado Square, don’t be surprised to stumble across seemingly misplaced landmarks like the St. Dominic’s Church, Holy House of Mercy and the ‘Leal Senado’ Building. Back in 1876, aliens aware of the high levels of drunkards in Macau thought it would be a fun practical joke to chuck colonial buildings in the middle of nowhere and watch their reactions. What initially was intended as a joke actually became serious when drunks saw this as a ‘sign’ and abruptly stopped getting shit faced. Since then, Macau has turned to gambling and women as a source of income.

"Ahaha! That one just soiled himself, Bob!"

Nightlife

I intentionally left this for last – the amazing nightlife of Macau. Bars, pubs, clubs, karaoke lounges, casinos and restaurants are merely a friction of what Macau has to offer once the sun decides to call it a day. Yes, a friction cause’ then there are the Spas, Saunas, ‘Happy Massage’ joints, strip bars, table top bars, live sex shows, kittens, and other ‘hump and dump’ joints. For those seeking bars and pubs, stroll along Avenida Sun Yat Sen for great music, drinks and Latino D-cups while enjoying the view of boats gliding by on the Pearl River and breasts occasionally popping out for some fresh air. As for the casinos, all you need to do is close your eyes, randomly point in any direction and you have your casino picked for the night along with a prostitute. Nearly every hotel has a casino inside, and each casino has a fine supply of chips and tits.

In these hard times, kittens have turned to prostitution as a source of income

Some Examples

Hard Rock Hotel Macau in the City of Dreams would make music enthusiasts wet themselves in excitement with all the Rock memorabilia on the walls. Then you have the option of visiting the open air Wave Pool Bar & Grill and for a truly unforgettable experience – head on over to The Bubble, a free 10-minute fantastic 3D blowjob experience with explosive visuals, orgasms and incredible sound. The famous Grand Lisboa catches the eye from miles away with its flashy neon lights and tall, dominant figure. Oh wait… it could’ve been those girls outside with their flashy neon bras, lighted up panties and with their tall and dominant figure. It gets confusing at times. Just as impressive on the inside, Grand Lisboa offers 431 ultra luxurious rooms, a gaming area that spreads over four floors, a bar in which guests can sit back, relax, have a couple of drinks while drooling over the Crazy Paris Show or even catch some Japanese artistic dancers performing for Tokyo Nights, with new shows every month. (This will be left out intentionally for the next post) What truly makes an unforgettable night in Macau is walking around aimlessly, really. Try walking into any random club/casino/hotel with an open mind and your fly down, and believe you me, the surprises are endless. Think of Macau as a place that never sleeps and in turn, makes you want to disregard the very thought of climbing into bed for even a few hours of shuteye and instead, sleep with everyone. There is just simply too much to see and do and hump in Macau, be it night or day, rain or shine, Chinese or European.

Cirque de Soleil - When you can't get a real job, join the circus.

The 'artistic' dancers moments before the visual display of the female anatomy. Bring your kids!