Teh Moose's Guide to Macau

When the Moose last left his readers, (once again, their existence is questionable, just like Akon’s singing ‘talent’) it was with a picture of Maria Ozawa, possibly one of the hottest Japanese AV stars around. Then again, my porn knowledge is limited to only the likes of her, Kayden Kross and Kaylani Lei, so what would I know? Back to the story, after my whole porn-escapade thanks to the super fast Internet (and super expensive) at the hotel, the next day saw a full scale conquering of Macau’s touristy attractions like:


The Macau Museum

Like most museums world wide, this one filled my nostrils with dust, filled my eyes with the view of insignificant historical items and clouded my mind with palpable boredom. Now for the educational part: What started off as an effective defence against the Dutch robot army back in the 17th century, this Jesuits built fortress went through a range of transformations – from the official residence of the Governor of Macau to a brothel in 87’, a jalapeno factory in 92 and now finally, it functions as the Macau Museum. Inside this half a storey building, the development of Macau in terms of culture, religion, whores, commercial activities, art and tradition among others is displayed through artefacts and other objects of great historical value like the Bronze Dildo of Lust. Located in the Mount Fortress that sits on the lap of the Mount Hill, a step outside of the Macau Museum is all it takes to enjoy a panoramic view of the Ruins of St. Paul’s, find out where most of the ladies are gathered and heck, to find Waldo even.

Guests are even allowed to have a feel at the mere price of $25 and a widened anus

Macau Tower

Since everything in Macau is related to sex somehow, the Macau Tower aka Huge Penis aka Dildo Tower, is another huge attraction. Opened on 19th December 2001, the Macau Tower is the 10th tallest tower in the world and second longest artificial penis in the universe after Michael Jackson. It offers much more than just its delicious buffet at a 360° cafe and an opportunity to bungee down 338 metres while your life flashes you by. For one, you can calmly watch people wet their pants while trying to impress their date by leaping off the tower as you calmly enjoy a magnificent view of all of Macau and much of the Pearl River Delta from the observation deck. Don’t have a date? Put that electric shaver down, cause’ at the Tower, not only do you get over priced souvenirs being sold, but women too. What better place to get laid than in a giant penis? Visitors also have the chance to walk around the outside of the tower on the “Skywalk” while passing reassuring signs which say things like “Why live on the edge when you can jump off?” And remember to look for innocent teddy bears hung by their hind legs from the ceiling along the Skywalk. This is believed to appease the spirit of Splatdownwee, the God of Bungee Jumping and everything related to heights and suicide. Another cool aspect of the Macau Tower is its see-through glass floor, allowing you to see thousands of feet directly underneath you and at the same time encourages prayer recitals. Yes, the Macau Tower does indeed offer a relaxing escapade for people of all ages, gender and self-esteem conditions.

Lord Splatdownwee will be pleased at this week's offering.

Senado Square

Ahh, the place I frequented the most. It has this open-air mall concept, with boutiques, shops, street food, street hookers, pork, sliced pork, pork jerky, gold shops, traditional pharmacies and sundry shops selling cheap booze. This square with its distinctive wave-patterned stone mosaic pavement has been the centre of Macau since dinosaurs roamed the island, and besides the whole ‘open-air’ mall concept also hosts several public events, festivities and orgies. Brightly lit up buildings from he 19th and 20th century, an elegant fountain, dog poo, trees, benches and many more features draw the Macanese and tourists alike day after day to Senado Square. What makes this place unique is its perfect blend of old and new – with old colonial buildings inhabited by names such as Giordano, Nine West and other international and local designer brands and old rich men with names like Uncle Chan walking proudly beside their 19 year old ‘girlfriends’ with names like Cherry or Mimi. Taking a stroll around Senado Square, don’t be surprised to stumble across seemingly misplaced landmarks like the St. Dominic’s Church, Holy House of Mercy and the ‘Leal Senado’ Building. Back in 1876, aliens aware of the high levels of drunkards in Macau thought it would be a fun practical joke to chuck colonial buildings in the middle of nowhere and watch their reactions. What initially was intended as a joke actually became serious when drunks saw this as a ‘sign’ and abruptly stopped getting shit faced. Since then, Macau has turned to gambling and women as a source of income.

"Ahaha! That one just soiled himself, Bob!"

Nightlife

I intentionally left this for last – the amazing nightlife of Macau. Bars, pubs, clubs, karaoke lounges, casinos and restaurants are merely a friction of what Macau has to offer once the sun decides to call it a day. Yes, a friction cause’ then there are the Spas, Saunas, ‘Happy Massage’ joints, strip bars, table top bars, live sex shows, kittens, and other ‘hump and dump’ joints. For those seeking bars and pubs, stroll along Avenida Sun Yat Sen for great music, drinks and Latino D-cups while enjoying the view of boats gliding by on the Pearl River and breasts occasionally popping out for some fresh air. As for the casinos, all you need to do is close your eyes, randomly point in any direction and you have your casino picked for the night along with a prostitute. Nearly every hotel has a casino inside, and each casino has a fine supply of chips and tits.

In these hard times, kittens have turned to prostitution as a source of income

Some Examples

Hard Rock Hotel Macau in the City of Dreams would make music enthusiasts wet themselves in excitement with all the Rock memorabilia on the walls. Then you have the option of visiting the open air Wave Pool Bar & Grill and for a truly unforgettable experience – head on over to The Bubble, a free 10-minute fantastic 3D blowjob experience with explosive visuals, orgasms and incredible sound. The famous Grand Lisboa catches the eye from miles away with its flashy neon lights and tall, dominant figure. Oh wait… it could’ve been those girls outside with their flashy neon bras, lighted up panties and with their tall and dominant figure. It gets confusing at times. Just as impressive on the inside, Grand Lisboa offers 431 ultra luxurious rooms, a gaming area that spreads over four floors, a bar in which guests can sit back, relax, have a couple of drinks while drooling over the Crazy Paris Show or even catch some Japanese artistic dancers performing for Tokyo Nights, with new shows every month. (This will be left out intentionally for the next post) What truly makes an unforgettable night in Macau is walking around aimlessly, really. Try walking into any random club/casino/hotel with an open mind and your fly down, and believe you me, the surprises are endless. Think of Macau as a place that never sleeps and in turn, makes you want to disregard the very thought of climbing into bed for even a few hours of shuteye and instead, sleep with everyone. There is just simply too much to see and do and hump in Macau, be it night or day, rain or shine, Chinese or European.

Cirque de Soleil - When you can't get a real job, join the circus.

The 'artistic' dancers moments before the visual display of the female anatomy. Bring your kids!

Macau, finally!

I reached the hotel at about 6.15 pm and as welcoming and cruelly tempting as my bed was, I had to resist the urge and quickly head back to the lobby and meet the rest of my travel companions for dinner. Sofitel at Pointe 16 was a blessing in many ways – putting aside their ‘luxury hotel’ status, beds that bring out the laziness in you, Russian pole dancers and amazing buffet selection for breakfast, (Hah! Bacon, pork sausages, pancakes etc.) it was more importantly walking distance from well… almost anywhere.

For dinner, we walked for about ten minutes to a place called ‘Restaurante Escada’, renown for their Portuguese cuisine. There it lay, looking cosy and inviting by an alley with hospitable waitresses ushering us in. What followed was an ecstatic dinner experience comprising of crabs, squid, king prawns, mussels and other sea-dwelling goodies. All were washed down by the famous Portuguese Sangria, and just as I couldn’t imagine stuffing anything else down our throats came dessert. Not before me walking outside to the restaurant’s balcony, peeping down to see three hot Macanese women having an innocent gossip session on a bench. Three girls, alone, on a bench, in a deserted lane. Yes, Macau was proving to be an excellent destination choice indeed. Next, I notice some movement in the alley below me and I see a couple eating each others faces out down there, and I thought to myself, ‘Heyyy! Free show!’ I wasn’t ready for dessert yet anyway. Eventually it got too disgusting even for my liking and I headed back into the restaurant.

Resisting the selection of custards, creams and cakes proved to be near impossible, so I indulged relentlessly in them and proceeded with a walking tour of Senado Square. A place which I just could not get enough of what with its dazzling lights, fountains, open-air mall concept, boutique-filled alleys and lots and lots of good, street food! Which in my dictionary, directly translates to PORK!

Picture this, a lane full of pork, cooked in every style possible from spicy to honey, from roasted to grilled and as you pass by each shop, they grab a scissors – I may have flinched for the first few times, and they cut off a slice and let you try some of their proudly made pork slices. After 7 shops, I had to reluctantly refuse their generous offerings due to time constraints, my bloated tummy and the possible risk of Senado Square running out of pork.

Each lane or alley has its name imprinted on the wall in Cantonese and Portuguese. That added to the whole colonial feel of the place and also made me realise the possibility of people getting lost in that maze of pork, boutiques and gold shops rather often. After what had already been a massive meal, I ate more. This time it was some form of Tau Foo Fa like thing, only instead of soy, milk was the active ingredient – a must try for all you lactose intolerant people out there. You get to choose between toppings of ginger, red bean and well, I don’t read nor speak Cantonese, so just go do your research, will ya? There were LOADS to choose from.

After I pigged out (an activity that I took part in almost everyday while I was in Macau), me and the three other Malaysian media fellas and the MGTO rep headed back to the hotel. Ah, at long last. I couldn’t wait to sink in that comfy, king-sized bed, switch on that flat-screen LCD and get some rest. It was the first night, and I knew if I were to survive the following day’s agenda which involved touring around Macau, I could not afford to allow my male hormones to take over. So I took a quick peek at the dancers in the hotel’s bar for a while, made a mental note on what time they performed daily, did a silent prayer thanking Sanders, checked out what games the casino there had to offer then called it a night.


Not before doing what most healthy males out there practise in an almost ritualistic like manner - watch a little Maria Ozawa getting it on in a bathroom. Thank you Eskimotube! What? She IS superbly hot. Ah, don’t you gimme that look! Really… Don’t. Read on to find out why. (evil grin)

Oh no, he didn't! Oh yes, I did!

Teh Airport

After returning from my BMW Efficient Dynamics trip, which in short involved me flying down to Kuala Terengganu, spending the night at Ri-Yaz, driving the 320d to Port Dickson, spending the night at Thistle, driving the 520d to Penang, getting a massage and flying back to KL. After which, I fell horribly ill after a very, very long time. It could’ve been all that travelling, or the excessive amounts of champagne, whiskey, beers, cheese and meat drenched in grease. Either way, I came back ass-faced, and had a week to recover before my Macau trip. I spent my sickly days staying in bed and finishing up all 5 seasons of Supernatural. Eventually the day of the trip came and while I wasn’t fully recovered, I had no intentions on letting this trip pass me by! It was Macau for Sander’s sake!

Macau… From what I gathered, it was seemingly the Las Vegas of Asia, a place that was synonymous with casinos, gambling and other family attractions like strip bars, saunas, table top dancers and live shows… and that was pretty much it, really. I’m not one to lay judgements before the actual experience itself, so on I headed to Macau with the best set of mind frame any first-time traveller should possess – an open one. Along with what anyone travelling to Macau should bring along – shit loads of cash. It IS sin city, trust me.

If you don't get laid in Macau, drown yourself here

I called up a cab and made the necessary arrangements. The flight according to the Macau Government Tourism Office (MGTO) representative was at 1.30 p.m, so I left my house at around 11.15 or so. Unless I was travelling the Flintstone way or using my pet cow Jerky as a mode of transport, I knew there was ample time for me to reach, grab a coffee or something, check-in and board the plane. I was wrong. The cab came on time, sure. I reached the airport at 12, and I called the MGTO rep and was told to proceed to counter R35. There I was melting in my jacket, carrying a laptop and hand luggage while pulling a heavy bag behind me, looking for a non-existent check-in counter. I passed row A, B… all the way to J and that’s where it ended. Suddenly a dreadful wave of realisation hit me… I shakily searched for the sheet of paper containing my flight info and to my horror discovered I just had a _________ (insert Bimbo name. E.g. Paris Hilton) moment.

I named my pet Zebra, 'spot'


I was in the wrong fuckin’ airport. I was supposed to be in LCCT… I rushed three floors down, paid over 40 bucks for a cab and rushed over there. I reached at about 12.20 and as I reached the REAL counter… it was closed. Or there was a midget working behind there. The latter proved fictional. It really was closed. Finally someone saw me and came over.

Dude: “Where do you want to go sir?”
Me: “I’m here for the Macau flight at 1.30…”
Dude: “1.30? Uh… there is no flight at 1.30 sir. The flight is at 1 p.m.”
Me: (looks at the itinerary followed by shrinking of testicles)
Me: “Can I check in?”
Dude: (looks at watch)
Dude: “I’m sorry sir. You’ll have to go to the service counter at the end of this row.”
Me: (runs to the service counter in an almost Hindi-movie like scene)

There, I see this half-assed looking dude behind the counter, taking his sweet time, being the stereotypical local while there I stood, hungry, sweaty, and with my bladder being an ass of all times. Luckily there was this lady standing in front of me and I used my Moose charm on her, so she happily allowed me to go before her. In return for the favour, she gave me her number and address. No, I kid. She was old. But nice. No! Not nice physically, I mean… Moving on.
I reached the counter, and I was given a cock stare…

“You baru sampai?”
“Uh no. I was actually here at 10 a.m., but I thought I’d wait till the utmost last minute before checking in cause cheap thrills like those make my day,” was what I would’ve said if I had time… or if he’d actually understand that. So, instead I gave him a blatant “yea…” and I was told that I could no longer check in my huge ass of a bag.

He gave me the boarding pass and I ran like a… thing that runs fast… to Gate 11. I was panting, sweating and it was fuckin’ 12.43! That hoe that specialises in making the lives of latecomers like me was already announcing that passengers had to board the plane. Or else… She didn’t exactly add that part, but I was paranoid. To make matters worse, for the luggage check-in, I had a bunch of Indonesians in front of me. Yipee… That meant EXTRA thorough bag invading by the security officers, which meant more time wasted. They had bottles filled with weird pills, tubes and all that. I was panicking cause I too had lubes… I mean, some after-shave in tubes and whatnot in my bag. But heyyy, whaddya know? I wasn’t stopped! I continued my running to Gate 11, where that hoe was still with the “last call” crap. But you know what? I was there! I had effin’ made it!

*bag snaps* Okay… I was ALMOST there. Why of all times, must my feckin’ heavy, prehistoric luggage give way now?! Oh, cause it’s prehistoric that’s why. Thanks a lot for the bag, mum.
I eventually make my way on the plane, sweating, smelling and hungry as fuck! For three hours I had to endure my own bodily stench and the dude beside me either:

a.) passed out from it
b.) was really tired
c.) wanted the journey to end quick

But I didn’t give a rat’s ass. I made it! I was going to Macau, baybeh! And oh by the way, after all that rushing… the plane was delayed anyway. Why? Cause’ there were two more passengers who were late, and who did not take part in the airport triathlon like I did. Asswipes…

Forewarned about the harsh cold weather conditions during November, I arrived at the Macau International Airport prepared with jackets, sweaters and all those other forms of clothing that I usually wouldn’t be seen in unless you paid me lots of money. As I was checking in the Macau International Airport, I hand this lady my passport, all smiles, being all cheerful cause I was in a new place, doing my very best to shine with my ‘happy-tourist’ vibes… but she changed that. I handed her my passport, and see, the picture of me in my passport was that of me back when I had spiky hair. She looked up at me, grinning at her stupidly… and she pointed at the passport and said “Hair ah?” No, you slit-eyed hoe. That’s a porcupine. After much hair modelling and repositioning, she was finally convinced but not before I muttered “fuckin ridiculous” and gave her a dirty look. There, I felt better. Airports really weren’t my thing.

The weather in Macau this time around could reach 10 degrees Celsius, which from my experience could make any nipple pointy and huge noses like mine frosty. But it also made it the perfect weather to commute around Macau in what would be my favourite mode of transport – by foot. There was actually so much more to the city than just tall, flashy buildings with neon lights, flashing women and fancy lobbies and boobies. Like… more boobies, pole dancing and well, you’ll see…

Go thatta way to Grand Lisboa

Pee-tiful Pee-ple

Day after day, millions of people leave their jobs (and toilets) for a serious reason... Toilet hygiene. The art of peeing INSIDE the toilet bowl is almost as hard as predicting when Christmas is every year and thus, professional help was sought. Toilet ethics expert, The Moose has now released the answer to every half-witted mongrel son of a whelp who is incapable of holding his member in his hand and aiming for the toilet bowl instead of spraying it anywhere and everywhere AROUND the toilet bowl. One would assume that only children below the age of 10 would suffer from this severe case of stupidity, but alas, adults have proven to be the majority of the culprits. Bearing that in mind, renowned author The Moose has written an exclusive book aimed at schooling and once and for all, solving this nationwide plague.



"An amazing read! Suitable for both parents AND their kids! The Moose has done it again!" - KL Times


"A best-seller! And it saved my marriage!" - ex half-witted mongrel


"You... you can do that!? This is magical! Look! No more pee stains!" - YOU


"A highly recommended read for everyone! Especially those with penises and half a brain." - Ben. T Johnson

Something Fishy

I was reading the news (yes, again. I should really stop. It's destroying my mind) and one article was about this Beluga whale which saved a drowning woman.

Here's what the article from news.com.au read:

Yang Yun was taking part in a free-diving contest at Polar Land in Harbin, north-east China, in which participants were required to sink seven metres to the bottom of a pool and stay there for as long as possible without the aid of breathing equipment.

Ms Yun, 26, thought she was going to die amid the beluga whales she shared the arctic pool with, after struggling to move her legs while trying to kick her way to the surface.

"I began to choke and sank even lower and I thought that was it for me - I was dead,” she told The Sun.

“Until I felt this incredible force under me driving me to the surface."

That “incredible force” was Mila, a beluga whale which had noticed her distress and clamped its jaws around her leg.

Using her sensitive nose, Mila drove Ms Yun carefully to the surface, to the amazement of onlookers and an underwater photographer who captured the entire incident on film.

Yang Yun later met up with some of her fishermen homies, caught the whale and had sushi for dinner later that night.
Well, that's just what I think, but my point is, these gentle creatures mean no harm to humans in any way... Yet they are hunted, butchered, slaughtered while others are kept in captivity, taken away from their families.
That's just disheartening and inhumane if you ask me. These creatures are incapable of feeling hatred nor do they hold grudges against humans... The very same morons who kill and capture them. So, once again, humanity and its selfishness has done well to sicken me.

LEAVE THEM WHALES ALONE!!!

Right, as if this post is actually gonna make a difference and save the whales... But heck, I believe that even small steps can eventually make a difference. Sign petitions, jump in the ocean and throw a harpoon at whale hunters... anything. Join the Moose in the fight against Whale Hunting.

This public service announcement is brought to you by:

The Moose