New Alarm System

The Fluffster was reading the news when he stumbled upon one that read:

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

After a series of burglaries, owners of businesses in Split, Croatia, have put life-sized cutouts of the kung-fu action man in their windows.

An accompanying sign in each window reads, "This shop is under the protection of Chuck Norris."

There hasn't been a single burglary since. (NY Post)

This does NOT however give Humpathon readers the right to start commenting with lame-ass Chuck Norris jokes. We've heard em' all. Save it.

Elsewhere, random girl tells random Moose that she "Has just gotten her lil one circumsised"..

Random Moose says he always knew she had a penis..

Speaking of dicks...

A man who underwent penis-enlargement surgery in Russia came back to doctors a month later begging them to undo it because he was too big.

"He said no woman wants to be with him anymore," a doctor said. "If there was a surgery to enlarge brains, we would offer him a free trial." (NY Post)

And you guys wonder why I'm losing faith in humanity one moron at a time...

The Disappearance

My fellow Humplings, I must express my sincerest apologies (or "a thousand apologies" in that thick Indian accent from Mind Your Language.. whichever wins you over) for my absence.
There was a valid reason for this though.

I was recently offered this 2 week part-time job thingy at "this optical lens company" which cannot be named for stupid reasons, and since I had nothing better to do besides filling myself up with alcohol, I took it. Plus, the pay was a reasonable sum of RM 70 per day.
Now, what I had to do was call up all the Optical outlets such as England Optical, Optical 88 bla bla bla, introduce myself, and tell them that I'm conducting a customer satisfaction survey.
After each sentence I read out, they would have to give it a rating of 1-5; 1 being extremely unsatisfied and... ah, you get it. But trust me, the people I called, simply could not follow this "complicated" rating system.

Now, the first thing I asked my supervisor prior to accepting the job was, "Are you sure they will be able to comprehend the survey script?" She was like "Oh, of coursseee! They can, they can." I wasn't convinced, but utter boredom got the best of me and I took the job.

I don't drive, so to get to that blinking office, I have to take not one, not two, but three flipping buses. As if that wasn't tiring enough... the people that I called... were complete dumb fucks. Yes, the next time you go to one of those outlets, either;

a.) Point at him and yell "Douche!" (They won't get it, trust me)
b.) Throw eggs at them OR
c.) Go in and put on your most fake English accent and ask them questions using "bombastic" words such as... "satisfaction"..

My target at the end of ten days, was to call 120 outlets. Sounds simple enough, I thought to myself. Each call was "supposedly" to only last for 15 minutes max... In an hour, I could easily finish 4, and if I were a lil' lazy, even 3 calls would be sufficient.
Guess I learnt otherwise... My first call took 18 minutes.

Me: "Hello, I'm calling from _________ and I'm CONDUCTING a customer SATISFACTION survey to help improve our services. The survey will take less than 15 mins. Would you like to PARTICIPATE in it now?"
(the words in bold, struck fear in the hearts of the workers in the outlet and are possibly the longest words they have ever had thrown at them.)

Dumb fuck client: "Uhhh... sur... sir... service ah?"

Me: "No, it's a survey. It's a set of sentences actually, then all you need to do is rate it after I'm done reading it out to you"

D.F Client: "You wan do the servings ah? You how on ah, I caww my supervisor"....

____________________________________________________________________________________________

That was one example. Then you have the morons who, after listening to such "scary" English words, use the excuse of having customers to deal with, and then hang up.
Others, pass the phone around till I get fed up and just move on to the next... pathetic optical outlet worker. Yes, I now have added them to the list of my Hate List. Congrats, and for these people, I can... and already have taken action.
The people who were particularly rude, were pleasantly put on my prank-call victim list.

Now, being one who says it as it is, sarcastic and all... Imagine how hard it was for me to resist the urge to lash out at their idiocy and utter lack of intelligence. Well, I did (if anyone from the company is reading this... i MAY have) and it felt good as Hell.

The best part was, after the second day, I couldn't take it any longer, so I told my supervisor I wanted to quit. She had no one else to rely on, (probably cause everyone else is smarter than I am, they knew better than to accept the job)... so we came to an agreement. I would work from home, make the calls using i-Talk, then claim the expenditure back.. Hey, that sounded a LOT more easier. I woke up when I wanted to (Once again, if there is anyone from that company reading it.. I actually didn't. I just want to sound cool to my readers.. Cough.), I went out, and reduced the call time from 18 fucking minutes to.. 3 minutes. Yes, I am indeed a miracle worker. I first had to rephrase, and re-rephrase the sentences, explain each line, repeat it 2 or 3 times.. but I soon developed a method, using the simplest words, and that saved a lot of time.

Imagine, some idiots found it hard to remember the rating scheme.... How hard is it to remember 1 is extremely unsatisfied, and 5 (any retard could guess.. but not these ones) simply means (once again... for emphasis... D'OH!) extremely satisfied! God damn people!

Well, just my luck. I think the 10 days stressed the fuck out of me, and as soon as the horror was over... I felt ill. And not just any common sickness... I had measles. Whoop-dee-doo!
One week I was quarantined at home, with sore throat, flu, joint aches, fever, tearing eyes... No appetite too. And for those of you who haven't seen me, I CANNOT afford to NOT have an appetite.

SO, that eventually came to an end after one week. I had the Sunburst Concert to look forward to. Korn frigging nailed it! To see them upfront, in real life... to look under Jonathan Davis's kilt (Ok, maybe not that part)... Woah, such an amazing feeling. They played most of my favourite songs too! Blind, Here to Stay, Right Now, Freak on a Leash, Coming Undone...
My hard-rock concert and mosh pit virginity was finally taken away from me. Yesh, mosh pit.
I must say, I've never been a fan of the local music scene, but Estranged is one Hell of a good band! Then there were the Indonesian bands too, like Nidji and Agrikulture.
Agrikulture's lead singer reminded me so much of Dave Grohl. He was up on stage, in his boxers, humping the stage light, climbing up a 10 feet railing and singing. Talk about entertainment!

I might upload some videos and stuff later on, cause as of now, I'm bloody lazy.
Well, that's just an update of why I've been missing. Good to be back, and free of phone calls and Measles.

Cheers!

Evolution of online Laughs

Under normal circumstances, a human's laugh would sound something like "Ahahaha!" or "ehehehe"... So fine, till the 1980's when online, and humoured, individuals tend to use those sounds of laughter to signify that something is funny.

Then in 1990, came the "lol"... Which puzzled many. Just what was this weird language, usually used when a joke is thrown around. Through research, it was discovered that "lol" is actually an acronym for Laugh-Out-Loud.

1998: Soon, nerds all around felt the need to come up with their own version of an online method of depicting laughter. They added either a "z" or "x" after "lol". (Note: This has been mentioned is one of my early posts)

E.g: lol + x = LoLx!!!

The reason for adding the "x" or "z" remains a mystery till now, but some have said it has to do with the boost of self-esteem for nerds, actually making them feel accepted in the society and labeled as "cool". lolx!

2000: The more advanced nerds came up with longer acronyms (doesn't that contradict the whole purpose of acronyms?) for "lol" with "ROFL" which translates to "roll on the floor laughing".. An acronym commonly used for more than normal funny moments.

How to perform a "ROFL"

Soon, "ROFL" evolved into "Roflcopter" in 2001, and sightings of "roflwafflecopter" and "rofflewaffle" have been reported throughout the years.



This is an artist's impersonation of what a "ROFLCOPTER" is believed to look like.
Other nations have sent in complaints, saying that no coverage was given to their national online laugh.

Hence, I present to you, a few examples of online laughs from around the world:

Brazil: Ahueaheahehau
Philippines: Jajajajaja
Malaysia: Lolxz
England: Har Har
North Pole: Hohohoho
Iraq: ...

2008: Recently, the latest online laugh craze is a weird evolution of "lol" simply transformed to "LawL"... My research team around the globe are clueless as to what this prolonged acronym could actually mean.
My personal take is that its actually short for 'Look At Wet Lesbians". In which case, I'm definitely supporting it.

A presumed definition of "LawL"

What we can be sure of is one thing, the evolution continues, and it's just a matter of time before another new and "trendy" illogical, nonsensical acronym for online laughter comes up.
Till then, keep humping! Lawlxxx

Gran Torino

When news spread of Clint Eastwood's new movie, I knew I just had to watch it. Was it cause of all of his previous movies that mad it big? Was it cause he was a legendary actor? Hell no. I heard he played a racist in the movie, and that caught my interest. The last movie I watched about a racist, was Lakeview Terrace, a mothafuckin movie in which da mothafuckin Samuel L. Jackass acts in. For those of you who haven't watched it, here's a word of advise... DON"T.
So anyway, back to Gran Torino, starring Clint Eastwood, some Hmongs, a toad and its sister... OH and Daisy. The Labrador who I feel, was the best actress throughout the movie.

Now, Clint Eastwood plays the role of Walt, a Korean War veteran, who only had his wife, his Gran Torino, Daisy and his rifle as his purpose for living. He loathed everything else, his nephews and their "gadgets", his sons who are too busy living a suburban life and of course his multi-ethnic neighbourhood, where Hmongs, Latinos, Indians and Jamaicans live. You may not have seen the Jamaicans, but it's common knowledge that they're everywhere, spreading the word of Ja... and other smokey substances.
Just for the record, I bet Walt hates centipedes, raisins, pineapples, Elmo and boybands as well.

Now back to the movie... His wife passes away, and the already grumpy old man, bypasses the grumpy limit and soon, starts snarling his way back home. To his disgust, he notices a bunch of Hmongs moving in next door and he glances at them with the dirty look. *snarls*
Now, the Hmong family, (which is friggin huge, it's a wonder how they all cram up in that little house) mainly consists of Mama Hmong, Granny Hmong (who bitches bout Walt in her mother tongue constantly), Toad and Sue. Toad has a cousin living in the neighborhood, and he's all "gangstah", and one day, while Toad is being verbally harassed by a bunch of racist Latinos, the cousin and his Hmong homies step in and shoo the Latinos away. Soon, they grow an odd attachment to the kid, and constantly visit his home, asking Toad to come out and play with them. Toad declines politely, saying he has better things to do like gardening and washing the dishes, but the Hmong gangstahs are ever so persistent. Eventually, Toad agrees to play with them, and as his initiation he has to steal Walt's Gran Torino. No surprise, he gets caught and Walt's hatred towards the Hmong grows *snarls*.. The Hmong gangstahs have now grown very attached to Toad, and insist that he plays with them everyday... He says "No", they get insulted and use the mature Hmong method of dealing with the problem... They try to kidnap him. This leads to a huge Hmong family drama worthy of air by Zee TV, and all that ruckus awakens Walt. He steps out to see what happens, sees his murdered garden Gnome, gets his gun and asks the Hmongs to step off his lawn. He also said "I used to stack your people 5 feet up and use them as sandbags, and I'd gladly do the same to you"... *snarls*

The next day, the Hmong takes Walt's hostility the wrong way, and instead of staying away from him... they start worshiping him as the Toad hero. They bring him offerings of food, flowers, rat droppings and young Hmong virgins. He said "Fuck No" to everything except, yep... you guessed it. The rat droppings. Who can resist that? Common...

While all of this is going on, a clingy priest constantly visits Walt, trying to convince him to go for a confession (cause he promised Walt's wife that he would before she died), and to get him to kidnap the young Hmong boy for who knows what reason. *snarls*

So anyway, one day while Sue is walking with her Eminem-wannabe date, they get harassed by a bunch of... Argh, fine. "African Americans"... The white boi goes all "Yow dawg, it's cool bro" and shit.. which is a death wish, but he doesn't know it. The... screw it. Black dudes get all horny on that fine Asian chick and before it goes further, Walt stops his car by the side.
Steps down... Everythin's silent.. then with that typical grim, Clint Eastwood look on his face shoots a tacky line. "Ever notice how you come across somebody once in a while that you shouldn't have fucked with?" *spits* "That's me.." Then he takes out a gun, and the "dawgs" back up (why weren't they carrying a gun?) and Sue is all appreciative. Soon, Sue and Walt hit it off... In a innocent way, otherwise it would've been too gross even for me. And Walt spits out another tacky line... One which anyone would say to someone whom you first hate, and then suddenly you're ok with... "You know something kid... You're alright."
Soon, Walt gets acquainted with the Hmong family and he goes for their BBQ party, tries to hit on the grandma, but she hates his gut... And as compensation for Toad's attempt to steal Walt's car, Mama Hmong does what every mother would do and offers Toad as a slave for one week to Walt. Walt goes "Booya!" not before snarling of course, and makes the kid his beeyatch. But soon... (and who would've guessed) they start bonding, and he even finds the kid a job at a construction site. Throughout the movie, Walt throws racist names and comments like a slut who throws herself around everywhere... One of the good ones was when Walt and Toad are shopping in a hardware shop and Toad asks what are they doin there.
Walt says "What? You gonna carry your tools in a rice bag?" Ahahahah!

One day, while returning from his manly job, the Toad gets jumped by the Hmong Gangstahs... Walt finds out, gets all defensive and goes to their residence and beats the living crap out of one of the gang members. That night, they took revenge in the form of a drive-by shooting of Toad's house and... they raped Sue.
This got Walt all Hulk-ish, and... goes for a hair-cut, gets a new suit, finally makes the priest happy and goes for a confession.

WARNING: Spoiler Below. Those who haven't watched the movie, pls read on.

Toad thought Walt and him were gonna get revenge together, but instead, Toad gets locked up in the basement... Walt passes his dog, Daisy to the noisy Hmong grandma as his last attempt on hitting on her (but he still failed) and he goes over to where the Hmong gangstahs live. He talks some cock, takes out a ciggy, all the while the gang is freaked out, having their guns pointed at him... And Walt asks for a light. The puzzled gang thinks Walt's up to something and they leave their guns pointed at him. As soon as Walt reaches into his coat for his... * BHAM BHAM BHAM BHAM *
What the eff happened? Walt crumbles to the ground... with a lighter in hand. The same one he had since 1951. He was unarmed, and what he did...how he got killed.. was witnessed by all the neighbors, and eventually the gang gets arrested.

Can't a man light his cigarette without gettin shot?

It's a touching tale.. of an old man, who lost his love, was all grumpy, eventually let the people he despises into his life. But then gets hurt. Now, the whole story idea was okay, but the acting had room for improvement. Great work on the racist name calling though, and just for you Humpathon readers, I'm gonna list down most of it.

Walt Says:

- Zipper Heads
- Egg Roll
- Gooks
- Fish Heads
- Spooks
- Serpent Head
- Shrimp Dick
- Click-Clack-Ding-Dong
- Dragon Lady
- Calls a Hmong girl "Ms. Yum Yum" instead of her real name, Youa... and "Toad" instead of Thao.


Rating: 6/10
Best Bit: All the name calling parts and the scene where he teaches Toad to talk like a man at the barbershop.

I'll Flack Her Anyday

Ah yes, the American Idol fever is back, and I must say, this season looks pretty promising.
We have the bikini girl, that psycho Alexis who came back with a new take on life... well, till she got 4 "No's" that is... I think there are a few homo's. That Jose chap is one of 'em.
Now, my votes (and eyes, and...) go for Sarah Rose Flack.
Yup, the hippie gal! She was a true charmer, with her hippie'ish attire, dread-lock'ish hair... and to top it off, her voice is friggin' awesome.
She comes from a troubled past, with both her parents having passed away while she was very young, having led to Rose and her brother being adopted by a family, who's supporting her 100% all the way.
She nailed it at the auditions, and did it again today in the first Hollywood audition at the Kodak Theater. I got rather worried at first, cause she lost her confidence and was having vocal problems during practice... All went well for Rose though, and she's got my vote throughout the blinking season.
I also like Megan Corkrey. The 23 year old mum...? Tattoo on her whole right arm? (or most of it) No? Dang it. Well, she's good and so is that pink-haired, punk/rock girl. And the only guy who get's my vote is the dude who sang Kiss from a Rose today. He lost his wife recently, but that's not the reason he's got my vote. He has a good voice... and isn't gay looking.

On another note... I was watching One in a Million the other day... A Malaysian "talent" show.. somewhat like Akademi Fantasia and Malaysian Idol I guess. Now, as if through the other two shows it wasn't obvious enough that Malaysia lacks good singers... They have this crappy show, with surprise, surprise "Paul Moss" as the white judge, who criticizes people with some of the EXACT same comments as Simon Cowell does. Seriously, even the tone is the same, the facial expression... the hand gestures. Cut the crap and be original for Moose's sake!