Comeback Fails

If you practice the art of sarcasm, hey that's awesome, we should meet up sometime. Unless you're a dude of course, then screw you. Not literally but you... argh! Getting back to my point, as a frequent user of sarcasm, you'll notice that very often:

a.) not everyone gets it

b.) not everyone has a sense of humour and lastly,

c.) those not blessed with intelligence, use poorly constructed "comebacks"

According to the only dictionary I read, the Urban Dictionary, a lame-back can be defined as such:

A response to a insult in which you insult the person who insulted you with the insult they insulted you with.

Person: Nick, you are a Mexican and gay
Nick: No, you're gay
Person: That was a lame-back

Now, that's but only one example.

Here are some other examples of comebacks that fail and should also be avoided at all costs:

• Anything that involves "your mother"

Example:

Remark: Whoa, nice profile pic. How much time did you spend on Photoshop?

Response: Not as much time as your mother!

But... my mum doesn't even know how to use Photoshop and she doesn't have 6732 profile pictures in various angles and effects. She doesn't even have Facebook! (I hope) Why bring up my mother?

• Repeating sentences in a squeaky voice

Example:

Remark: I doubt I can eat as much as I wanna puke after watching you dance

Response: (in a squeaky voice and often, a retarded facial expression) I doubt I can eat as much as I wanna puke after watching you dance (arm waving)

Now I doubt I can eat as much as I wanna smack you with a frying pan.

• Replying with "Whatevah"

• Attempting to use reverse psychology

Example:

Remark: I doubt I can eat as much as I wanna puke after watching you dance

Response: Yeah lah, I know you're a good dancer lah. Who am I after all?

How does agreeing to what I say make it any better for you?

Now that you know, run along my child, and practice, or heck, even Google search if you're guilty of any of the above mentioned "comebacks."

If Only I Had Ghee

ORIGINAL SONG: 'Only When I Sleep' by The Corrs
PARODY: 'If Only I Had Ghee' by... The Kaurs

Found in every Punjabi household

You're always just hungry
Recipes in my head
You talk about Ranjit’s wife
And all the weight she shed
Your smell is like spoilt milk
With a spray of sweat
It crawls through my skin
You ask me where’s dinner
When even myself I’ve not fed

But if only I had ghee
I’d make you chapati
Spin that dough round and round
Then flip it upside-down
But I only hear you complain

Somehow I need ghee
Mold that atta round and round
Then turn it upside-down
But if only I had ghee

And when I walk out of the kitchen
You’re already passed out drunk
Your breath smells of Johnnie Walker
Then you look at my body
I'm trying to run South
Too late it's time to play
I'm lying in my bed
Thinking about Hrithik, distracted by your breath
Falling from the edge

But if only I had ghee
I’d make you chapatis, (chapatis)
I’ll spin that atta round and round
And turn it upside-down
But you didn’t go to Mydin
So where am I to find ghee, (ghee)
Got me spinning round and round
Looking up and down
But if only I had ghee
If only I had ghee

Liquor Shop

ORIGINAL SONG: 'Thrift Shop' by Macklemore
PARODY: 'Liquor Shop' by Moose

(a tribute to Tandang)

This is not Tandang. It is only a tribute

I'm gonna pop some cans
Only got twenty dollars in my pocket
I - I - I'm hunting, looking for a cheap drink
This is fucking awesome

Hop up on the bench like, "What up, I got 3 for 10!"
It's the middle of the month, I ain't going to no club
Uncle at the counter's all like "What a bunch of lifeless punks" 
Rollin' in, hella deep, headin' to the refridgerator, 
Taking muh time, choosing my can, amidst all those yapping drunks
Probably shoulda washed this, smells like R. Kelly's sheets
(Piiisssssss)
But shit, who cares, I'm drinking in a park!
Ain't no bouncers, annoying music and over-priced drinks,
I could save some bucks and still get wasted
Savin' my money and I'm hella happy that's a bargain, bitch
I'ma take that 12 percent, I'ma take that whisky in a bag,
No for real - ask the uncle - can I have a whisky bungkus? (Thank you)
The Godfather, Eagle, Bison and Bear
And add in some Chang, Blue Ice, Haywards, Amigos and udembe over there
Now pack it up, and get me a bench
Oh woah, we're next to a tall ass tree yo?
Damn straight, where do you think the pee and puke goes? 
You might find some ants, mosquitos and strays
Prolly end up tripping like "Aw, let's get 'em drunk too" 

Passport, Heiny, Carlsberg, Tiger,
Anchor, Pirate, Kingfisher,
I get it cheap, from that Liquor Shop, down the road

Some Magazine That We Used To Know

ORIGINAL SONG: Somebody That I Used to Know by Gotye 
PARODY: Somebody Magazine That We Used to Know by Moose

Death to Editorial Integrity

[Moose:]
Now and then I think of how we started
We gave birth to you, raised you from the first issue
Told ourselves that you were right for the readers
There were sleepless nights, paper jams and tears
But that was love and it's an ache we still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of job
Especially when we get compliments, fan mail and sale figures,
But when we found that you could no longer make sense
Thanks to bosses who have no idea of what they want,
It’s tough but we’ll admit that we’re glad it is over

But those pricks didn’t have to cut us off,
Act as if the mag never happened and that we were nothing
And we don't even need your “help”
You treat us like garbage and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your suck-ups turn on us and voice out nothing,
I guess that we don't need that though
Now you're just some magazine that we used to know

Now you're just some magazine that we used to know
Now you're just some magazine that we used to know

[IP Freely:]
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed us over
Part of us believing it was always something that we’d done
But we don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let us go
So fuck it, we’re out and the magazine is just something that we used to know

[Moose:]
Those scumbags didn't have to cut us off
Act like the compliments never happened and that we were nothing
And we don’t even need this shit
You treat us like we’re nothing and expect us to stay
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your minions walk in for that weekly blow
Too bad but we’re not fake and won’t stoop that low
Now you're just some magazine that we used to know

[x2]
Some magazine
(We used to know)
Some magazine
(Now you're just some magazine that we used to know)

(We used to know)
(That we used to know)
(We used to know)
Some magazine

Somebody That You Used to Blow

ORIGINAL SONG: 'Somebody That I Used to Know' by Gotye 
PARODY: 'Somebody That You Used to Blow' by Moose

Ever had that one close guy friend with whom you shared "bromance" moments with? You know the one you constantly text, hang out with, drink with, talk about your E.D problem and that persisting yeast infection, how you once slept with your own cousin and all that other shit? That's cool and all. But what if... one day, you find out he's gay and that he's been taking advantage of you the entire time? This is a song of one such incident....

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
I actually wish you did
After all that time I spent in your company
You call this shit love and now the butt aches, I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of madness
Your addiction is the end, always the rear end
So when I found that this could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad it was over

But you didn't have to suck me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were something
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like your partner and you like it so rough
No you didn't have to bend so low
Have your friends record it and then post it on lemon party
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just some fag that I used to know

Now I'm just somebody that you used to blow
Now I'm just somebody that you used to blow

[Kimbra:]
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
Had me believing it was always just some green candy
But I don't wanna live that way
Falling for that trick every single day
You said that you would let me go
And I hope I don’t catch your dick hung on someone else that I know

[Gotye:]
But you didn't have to jerk me off
Touch my family jewels and pretend it was nothing
I don't fucking need your “love”
So please treat me like a stranger, I don’t care if it’s tough
No you didn't have to go so low
Tell your friends your record and talk about my member 
I guess that I don't need that though
Now I'm just somebody that you used to blow

[x2]
Somebody
(You used to blow)
Somebody
(Now I'm just somebody that you used to blow)

(You used to blow)
(That you used to blow)
(You used to blow)
Somebody you used to blow

Disclaimer: The Moose has nothing against homosexuals (literally, too). In fact, some of the coolest people the Moose knows are gay. Like Neil Patrick Harris and Zachary Quinto. Mmmhm, him too. Look it up.