Damn Centipedes Have a Movie Now?!

Well... that's it. This is the end of Teh Moose.
It's been great knowing you guys. After countless years at war with those bastards... after posting up articles with empowering knowledge on how to end the life of centipedes... how they breed, how they act, their favorite hiding spots, how they make macho men like me scream like a little girl... I thought I had won. I had supporters, I had people thanking me for enlightening them on Terrorpedes and their meaningless existence. Some people were in it just for the cool anti-centipede t-shirts, but hey, I made people aware!
But now... they went to the one place that can fuck anyone up. They've gone to Hollywood.

I recently received news that they've made a movie. It's cleverly called 'The Human Centipede.'

I cannot express how freaked out I am, and I think this movie is placed right next to Twilight on my "HOLY-FUCK-I'M-NEVER-WATCHING-THIS" list. Below is the trailer (which I've not watched) so I really don't know how it is. I'm sorry, you guys carry on and watch it. I... I just can't.

The Human Centipede Trailer
I would've placed the player here if it weren't such a fat hoe that keeps blocking my page.

If they come up with 'The Human Raisin', 'The Human Pea... Man. Thingy" or 'The Human Pineapple' next... I swear. Someone up there (in Hollywood) hates me.

The Slut Song

ORIGINAL: 'The Earth Song' by the late Michael Jackson
PARODY: 'The Slut Song' by Teh Moose

Try to have the original song playing in the background or something so you can sing along to it. It's great family fun. Bring your parents, partners and younger siblings too. 

                         

Forget about marriage
Forget about kids
Forget about all the things
That you expected to gain...
Forget about dates
Why waste time
Forget about all the things
That you said was yours and hers...
Did you ever stop to notice
All the so-called college trips
Did you ever stop to notice
The lying sluts, the cheating whores!?

Aaaaaaaaaah Aaaaaaaaaah

What have you done to the world
Look what you've done
What about all the sex
That you pledged was only mine...
What about flowers and meals
Is there a time
What about all the dreams
That you said was yours and mine...
Did you ever stop to notice
All the men dead from whores
Did you ever stop to notice
The lying sluts, the cheating whores!?

Aaaaaaaaaaah Aaaaaaaaaaah

I used to have wet dreams
I used to glance under your skirt
Now I don't know where you’ve been
For all I know, you’ve got herpes

Aaaaaaaaaaah Aaaaaaaaaaaah
Aaaaaaaaaaah Aaaaaaaaaaaah

Hey, what about yesterday
(Forget about hoes)
What about the gifts
(Forget about hoes)
The heavens are falling down
(Forget about hoes)
I can't even breathe
(Forget about hoes)
What about the notes I made
(Forget about hoes)
Can't you feel my wound
(Forget about hoes)
What about self worth
(ooo,ooo)
It's your own loss
(Forget about hoes)
What about my big schlong
(What about it)
That has turned kingdoms to dust
(Forget about hoes)
Well, you look like an elephant
(Forget about hoes)
Yes, I’ve lost trust
(Forget about hoes)
You ride the short bus
(Forget about hoes)
I think you have crabs
(Forget about hoes)
What about my bacon sammich bish
(ooo, ooo)
Burnt despite my pleas
(Forget about hoes)
What about your ‘holy land’
(What about it)
Now it’s torn apart by 5 dicks
(Forget about hoes)
What about the other man
(Forget about hoes)
Can't we set him on fire
(Forget about hoes)
What about your dignity dying
(Forget about hoes)
Can't you hear them cry
(Forget about hoes)
Where did your parents go wrong
(ooo, ooo)
Someone tell me why
(Forget about hoes)
What about boobies
(Forget about hoes)
What about the lays
(Forget about hoes)
What about all their joy
(Forget about hoes)
Fuck it, I ain’t turning gay
(Forget about hoes)
Your face is a moon crater
(Forget about hoes)
Oh, look e-bay sent my inflatable doll
(Forget about hoes)
What about your death
(ooo, ooo)
Like I give a damn

I'm A Little Alco

ORIGINAL: 'I'm a Little Teapot' by GodKnowsWho
PARODY: 'I'm a Little Alco' by Teh Moose

I'm a little alco
Hand me my stout
Here is my belly
Here is my mouth
When I get all thirsty
Hear me shout
Tip the bottle over and pour it all out

I'm a very special drunkard
It's so, so true
Here's an example of what I can do
I can make my voice suddenly sound like Elvis
A little more drinks, and I’ll be dry humping your pelvis

I'm a little alco
Beers and stouts
Here is some money
Now hand me my stout!
When I get all drunk and high
I just shout
Tip me over and watch puke pour out

I'm a very special drinker
It's fucking true
Here's an example of what I can do
I can turn my bottle into a flute
But when I sometimes get too high, I think my phlegm is glue.

Kids and Porn

You know, I've decided that I'm gonna start posting random thoughts here.
LOOK! TITS!
How's that for starters?!

Anyhoe, work has been fun, but extremely draining, hence my sudden absence. I know, I know. Rumors have emerged that I ran off to the jungles of Sabah while shrieking Moose mating calls secretly hoping of finding that one true love. Those rumors were partially true. Only, replace mating calls with 'tranquilizer.' Yes, but due to work, I can't really mass produce blog posts like I used to. NO! Don't cut your wrists just yet (I take pride in pretending that I have hardcore followers here)

So, anyway. I was thinking... You guys watch Japanese porn, don't ya? Of course you do.
Well, don't.
I find it to be one of the most annoying types of adult entertainment out there.
Sure, Maria Ozawa and Rio are freakishly hot, but... seriously. Maria sounds like a puppy getting sodomized with a 9 inch cucumber and Rio... she's just plain hot, but that whole 'kawaii' act. That shit for real? I mean... is that really how they talk? With that squeaky, 'anime' like voice, with those weird pouts and... WHY DO THEY CENSOR JAP PORN?!
It's not like the guys have a fuckin 7 inch Johnson anyways. All you need is one tiny pixel, and you're done. But nooooo, they gotta chuck a whole big pixelated square covering everything.

And you know what? Kids these days are so fucking spoilt. Back then, we used to get our fix by watching... sigh.. still images. YES! Admit it! Unless you had an elder brother who hid his porn CD stash of 'Saving Ryan's Privates' and 'Luke Thighwalker' unsuccessfully, or you had parents who were in the 'experimenting' stage and were so certain that their doors had been built sound proof by Uncle Lim the contractor... Otherwise, you TOO secretly crept up to the PC strategically placed in the middle of the hall by your parents, used a pillow as a silencer for that stupid loud-ass Jaring connection and enjoyed an hour or two of nice, still images of naked women. But no.... kids these days have MTV, they have YouTube, they have a long list of streaming porn sites, they have torrents... I hate kids.

I walk into Toys "R" Us now, and I go "WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T THEY HAVE THAT WHEN I WAS A KID!??" ... Walkin around, head buried in their damn PSPs, spending the evenings at home watching Ben 10... Damn kids.

And you know what? Christina Hendricks is inhumanely hot.

I mean, look at those... eyes.

"Air" Supply

ORIGINAL: 'All Out of Love' by Air Supply
PARODY: 'All Out of Herbs' by Teh Moose

I'm sitting alone with my mouth on my bong
Smoking you till it hurts
I know you hurt too but what else can we do
Tormented and torn apart
I wish I could carry your leaves on my lawn
For times when my bank account’s empty
You would make me believe that unicorns were real
But your leaves don’t grow, doesn't really grow


Chorus:
I 'm all out of herbs, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I 'm all out of herbs, I’m sober without you
I can't be too late to say that I should get a new bong


I want you to come back and get me stoned
Away from this stupid ‘yam cha’ nights
I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too
Those fucking lights look so bright, oh so bright
And what would you say if I bought you now
And said that I stopped smoking,
There's no easy way, it gets harder each day
Please love me and get me stoned, I'll be stoned

Chorus

Oh, what are you smoking there?
Is that a doobie? Do share.
Oh, what are you smoking son?
You look zonked to me, mon.

Pass me that wacky tobacky dammit!

Chorus (33565x)

Wait… how do the lyrics go again?