The 10 People You'll (most likely) Meet At a Punjabi Wedding

Punjabi weddings are fun the best to be honest. No disrespect to other weddings, but I don’t reckon there are any others that can even compare to how colourful, lively, lengthy and full of alcohol Punjabi weddings are. The celebration itself can span up to an entire week, there’s always music, booze, dancing, people in outfits of every colour and size, dancing, crying, good food, laughing, fighting, dancing, match making... so rest assured you’ll probably gonna have to skip work for at least a day to properly experience a wedding of the bhai-kind. And EVERYONE needs to attend a Punjabi wedding at least once. Otherwise, life has no meaning. Also, Punjabi weddings happen often. On average, I’ve attended about 6 weddings last year. All of which were Punjabi. And these are excluding the ones that I decided against attending because the norm is to send invites to everyone – even that one aunty who met you for the first and last time when you were four, and has maybe carried you once and will confuse you for a waiter. Yeah, her. She’ll most likely be invited to your wedding too #becausepunjabireasons. Let’s get to it.

THE GUY WITH SHADES
It’s 8PM, it’s dark as fuck, the sun’s gone to bed yet here’s this suited and booted guy dressed up swag as Hell but with a pair of shades on. The act of wearing shades is believed to provide a huge boost to a Punjabi man’s self-esteem. He now has every right to have a smug expression on his face, he believes that every chick in the wedding hall is now checking him out and he’s fully prepared and equipped for photographs and that pesky videographer. Often oozes with so much swag that standing next to Swagjit is almost unbearable. That or he just sweats too much.

THE MATCHMAKER 
For some reason, it is every aunty or grandma’s life mission to at least match make once in their lives. Life would just not be complete otherwise, and they may just end up in purgatory instead of Heaven or Hell upon their passing. If you’re above the age of 20 and single, you’re destined for potential matchmaking. If you’re seeing someone, the question will always be “So, when’s your turn?” And if you’re single, it would probably be something like, “He’s a doctor you know? Just came back from Ukraine. Drives a Mercedes.”  The best response for these typically traditional beings would be to leave them in disgust by saying you’re fond of people of the same sex. Let’s see how eager they are about the wedding then.

THAT GRUMPY AUNTY
There’s never a shortage of aunties who look like they’d rather be home watching Zee TV while ordering nephews and nieces around to bring them “pani” or some asam. She’s often angry about… well, just about everything. “Look at that blardy shameless girl wearing a sleeveless dress. She thinks this is a mujrah? Sharam ni aundi?!” That or they look for every tiny damn hiccup in the wedding. It started late. The food doesn’t meet their expectations. Why aren’t they serving puri? Why are they playing English disco songs?

DESPEREET SINGH
He’s just here for the chicks, bruv. Often single for a long time for good reason, his main goal for attending weddings is to hook up with some random chick. “Bro, you saw that girl in the blue Punjabi dress? Is she related to us?” That’s always the first question you’ve gotta ask at a Punjabi wedding before you hit on someone. It’s a legit question. But yeah, this guy moves from one “potential candidate” to another and often makes his move when the dance floor is open, because then, with the power of his sunglasses and fueled on booze, his confidence is near Godlike. But make one wrong move and hit on the wrong girl, or heck, even look at the wrong girl funny and you sir are destined for a broken nose courtesy of that overprotective cousin or brother. And as a Punjabi, our noses are very susceptible to being broken.

THAT GIRL WHO KNOWS ALL THE MOVES (AND LYRICS)
This is her time to shine. All that Hindi movie binge-watching and memorizing every single dance move and lyric will finally pay off. This is it. This is when she gets noticed by that doctor/engineer in shining armor and finally finds a potential mate. Jokes aside though, they actually look like they are professional dancers hired to make that dance floor filled with drunk uncles and kids who are high on sugar screaming and doing the “Gangnam” dance look a little more classy.

Excuse me. The dance floor needs me.

THE VIDEOGRAPHER
This guy is everywhere – ordering people around: “Okay, okay when I say 1,2,3 everybody point at the camera and shout!”, coming up to you at the most inappropriate times (ALWAYS when you’re busy stuffing your face with awesome food) and randomly shoving kids out of the way to get that money shot. He also believes that no video montage is complete without at least one slow-mo scene.

THAT DRUNK UNCLE 

A great source of entertainment, the drunk uncle is rarely seen at his designated table. Oh, no. There’s mutton near the bar, who the Hell needs to sit at a table especially when the nagging wife is there? He’ll be at the bar throughout the whole wedding and it often takes the MC at least 7 announcements for everyone to be seated before he reluctantly drags his ass to the table – with a glass of whisky of course. Also often the one whistling the loudest during performances and when the dance floor is open, he’ll be there either doing the nagin (snake) dance or holding that precious glass of whisky on his head with one hand and busting his moves from the 60’s. He’s also the one who takes a liking of striking conversations with you at the urinal or confuses you for one of his many, many nephews/nieces and strikes a 20-minute alcohol-breath-filled-conversation with you, while disturbingly holding your hand the entire time and all you can do is wait for a gap to say “Er... actually I’m not Sukhdeep, Uncle” and run. 

photo: lifecrust.com

THE DJ WHO TALKS TOO MUCH

Look, you’re not hired to talk. We’ve got the host for that, and a whole bunch of friends and cousins who take the stage to share embarrassing childhood memories and crack overused jokes like, “Hardave, take Sonia's hand and place your hand over hers. ... cherish it... because this will be the last time you'll ever have the upper hand!” This is often followed by a roar of laughter and people looking at one another going, “That’s a bloody good one! Good one!” Anyway, just as the best part of the song is approaching, and you’re already planning the dance move you’re about to break out into once it hits, this guy grabs the microphone and says something like, “I want all the pretty kudhis to get on the dance floor! Ah-huh! Hoi! Hoi! Brrrrrruuuahh!” and ruins the moment. Just stick to what you’re supposed to do lah, pendhi. 

THE GREEDY AUNTY

Just look out for that one aunty who scans the entire wedding hall and locks her eyes at the buffet line. She then plans her strategy of making her way from her table to the line in the quickest manner possible. If there are poor, unsuspecting kids on her table, she often delegates tasks to them. “Boy, ooish, boy! Come here. Laterr, when they say dinner is serve, cheti cheti go take a plate and bring brinjal sambal for aunty okay? Good boy.” She’s also the one often comparing the food to previous weddings she has freeloaded off and tries to get the caterers to “tapao” some food that she can take home. This to her, is the ultimate victory and makes her feel that giving the saagan was all worth it.

THE TRAIN OPERATOR 

Why is it that Punjabi weddings just can’t end without everyone having to form a human-train while the “rail gaddi” songs blasts? Every. Damn. Time. Why?! There’ll be that one genius who goes up to the DJ after the last song announcement has been made screaming, “BRO! BROOOO! Rail Gaddi! Play Rail Gaddi!” and then the dreaded tune starts, and everyone ends up having to hold shoulders and make their way around the entire hall. You know, come to think of it, this could actually just be an ingenious way to get rid of all the drunk people who linger on at the wedding hall. First, you sober them up a little by getting them to "rail'gaddi" around the hall and then use that very same train to escort them out of the hall. Genius. "Next stop - the lift to the parking bay, uncle-ji!"

Greetings Can Be Confusing

I’m generally not much of a people-person as most of you already know. I hate small talk, I hate partaking in a conversation that’s clearly leading nowhere, I dislike most events what with the abundance of pretentious “muah, muah” people and I’m generally someone who calls it as it is, so to some people who aren't used to straightforwardness, I can come off as a cynical a-hole, and I’m totally fine with that. Giving me more reason to avoid people are greetings. Mainly because there's a lot of intimacy and invasion of my personal space. And then there's the dilemma of: Do you go in for the side hug? The handshake? The single cheek kiss? The “homie handshake”?! Which one do you fucken’ choose?! Who the Hell knows. It’s situational, but here’s a little backgrounder and info on some common greetings. 

HUGS
Hugs involve a lot of touching. It’s an invasion of personal space. I generally only hug people I’m close to. Which narrows it down to 3 people. But there are a few different forms of hugs, so let’s investigate further. 

THE SIDE HUG 

A hug in which both parties hug by wrapping one arm around the shoulder of the other person, as if posing for a photo, rather than the traditional "front hug" (aka, the crotch high-five) or wrapping both arms around the shoulders or waist from the front. We use the side hug to avoid both parties’ crotches from touching, which to some, may appear to emulate sexual activity. Don’t believe me? There’s a name for this – the Christian Side Hug that comes with a song and everything. 

Whoa, whoa, WHOA! At least buy me dinner first. 

See? I wasn't kidding. 

THE FRONT HUG aka THE MALE/BRO HUG

The true origin of this hug is unknown but it probably became popular through the hip hop culture in Amedika. This is basically a combination of the handshake and a hug where more often, two males will make a handshake and then while their hands are still locked between their bodies, bump their shoulders together, followed by a pat on the back and then a quick-as-fuck release. Uncomfortable for some? Not really since there's an easy flow from the handshake to the hug and the locked hands between torsos keep the bodies apart, allowing comfortable space between the dudes hugging. 

Get your bro hug right, bro. 

UNACCEPTABLE: THE BEAR HUG 

"I never got any love as a child" 

KISSING 
Ah, here’s the one that confuses the fuck outta me the most. Based on common sense, you’d expect a guy to only kiss the cheek of a girl (and even then, only if she initiates it by placing turning her cheek towards you to indicate that she’s game for it), but no. Oh no. My Turkish uncle came to visit one day and did the same, and I literally blanked out for a few seconds not knowing what to do, but out of fear of offending him, went in for it. On BOTH cheeks! I felt violated, repulsed and a little itchy from all the stubble. I don’t even feel comfortable kissing my mum, so that should give you some perspective. 

SINGLE CHEEK KISS

There are countries, and regions, throughout Europe where men greet one another with kisses on either cheek. According to some article in Time Magazine that I did not read, "a single kiss is an acceptable greeting in the United States, but it's mostly a big-city phenomenon. It’s also normal to kiss once only in Mexico and Belgium, while in the Galapagos, women kiss on the right cheek only. East syyydeeee! 



DOUBLE CHEEK KISS

 If a culture embraces kissing as a form of greeting, one of the most difficult lessons is to learn how many and to whom!  That whole Turkish uncle encounter made sense after some reading. Apparently in Turkey, men are more touchy-feely with the same sex, often extending handshakes for the females and embraces and cheek-kisses for the dudes. Now I understand Turkish baths (hammam). Italians, Hungarians and Romanians usually kiss twice in a greeting too, but I think they’re alright with both genders. 

THE TRIPLE CHEEK KISS 

So apparently in places like Russia, Slovenia, Serbia, Bosnia & Herzegovina, Macedonia, Montenegro, the Netherlands (nuuuuuuu!!!) and Egypt it’s pretty normal to “kiss three times, on alternate cheeks.” 

CHEEK KISSING 101: Usually it's the right cheek first, but be prepared to change direction at the last minute. There aren't any set rules on whether you should go for one or two kisses, except that you should be wary with those you’re less familiar with - two might seem over the top. Heck, for me, even one seems over the top. Be clear on your decision, but if confusion occurs then take charge and make a quick decision. Sound effects, air kissing, butt grabbing and saliva traces should be avoided, and don’t for a moment confuse a cheek kiss for a romantic one, you perv. 

Yeah, nothing like this

HANDSHAKES
Handshakes are the most basic form of greeting involving two people who grasp one of each other's hands, in most cases accompanied by a brief up and down movement of the grasped hands. Unfortunately, thanks to gang members, hipsters, buff men and secret societies, even a hand greeting can be rather confusing these days. 

How it's supposed to be done

What often happens in reality

FIST BUMP 

Two participants form a closed fist with one hand, and then lightly tap the front of their fists together. The participant's fists may can be both either vertically oriented or horizontally oriented. It is crucial to get your aim right or you may just end up punching someone in the face. It is proven that fist bumps spread fewer germs than handshakes. It also takes very little time and intimacy, so I’m down with that. This will be my official greeting. 

HOMIE HANDSHAKE  

This one gets a little confusing. Go in for a regular handshake, palm to palm. Rotate your hand so you are clasping the thumb of your broseph's hand. Then slide your palms away from each other and grip the finger tips slightly before snapping them apart. This is usually followed by a goofy grin and a false sense of accomplishment. 

AVOID: The Beefcake Handshake 
We get it, you’re on protein shakes and you practically live in the gym, but that’s no reason to put someone on a six month hiatus from wanking privileges just to prove your strength. 

Yearrghh! I crush your puny leetle hands

And there you have it. Hopefully this gives you a better idea on how to execute your next greeting and avoid having a John Mayer moment like the one below: 

FHM Fan Mail

As some of you may already not know, I'm currently working with FHM Malaysia. If you're another one of those going "BRO! YOU GOT THE BEST JOB EVER LAH! YOU SEE CHICKS EVERY DAY. TITS! ASS! HOW DOES IT FEEL? (how do THEY feel?) YOU'RE SO LUCKY!" - let me stop you right there. I spend possibly, one or two days a month attending photoshoots, the rest of my working life for FHM is spent in front of the PC writing stories, reading e-mails, attending meetings after meetings, brainstorming ideas, editing and being sarcastic. It IS a great job, yes, but only because I've always liked writing and I've been reading FHM for a decade now. Back to today's post, my job scope includes overlooking all aspects of the magazine, and yes, this includes our social media platforms. Going through all the comments, filtering the offensive ones and reading whatever our dear readers or random netizens send to our e-mail inbox or Facebook inbox is a pretty damn good stress reliever, I tells ya! Sure as Hell beats reading 50 Shades of Grey (just guessing here). What makes it even funnier is that a majority of these guys can't seem to fathom that they're sending messages to FHM's page. A page that changes its profile picture monthly, a page that posts up all sorts of content, a page... not an actual girl. 
Keeping these hilarious messages all to myself would be selfish, and I'm all up for sharing anything (besides bacon, alcohol, Kate Upton, my books and past issues of FHM) so I've taken the liberty to compile some of the messages sent to FHM since 2014 for you lot. 

I don't know. Can you? 

And would this be for photography or personal use? 

Hai. Takde leh. Duk closing majalah je

Well, you better. This is the exact replica from Nelly's video

an yu veri romance veri swits ai lawyu2

This guy straight up wrote his full name and number. That's all. What a man

Are you asking me how? Wait, what's a "wemen"? 

*You're

What?! No wai! Me too! 

Only if it comes with perks like free bacon

Virtual roses?! For me? You shouldn't have gone through all the trouble of those mouse clicks

Hey. No. 

Are you calling me old? I hate you. 

Hey, I'm fi -- AHHH! 

I love best me, too

And the award for Most Persistent (and confusing) Fan Mail goes to...

12 Things You See At (nearly) All Cafes

"Exposed brick walls?" Check. "Wooden furniture?" Check. "Chalkboards?" Check. "Butcher paper menus?" Check. "Coffee?" Check. “Bare light bulbs?” Check. Heyyy, let's open a cafe! Dear lord, how 'bout you skip the cliché decor and invest the money on kitchen staff and some actual good food and coffee? That’s the thing about Malaysia isn’t it? All it takes is one success story, and everyone jumps on the bandwagon Stevie Wonder-like without actually putting any proper thought into it. Remember the Burger Bakar phase? And then came all the other burger cafes. Then there are all the ice-cream joints popping up. More recently, would be the food truck craze. Bangsar and Subang have way too many “artisanal” coffee joints to list, with one sprouting out every other month. You step inside, and it’s like trying to differentiate between one Punjabi wedding from another – you can’t. Here’s a checklist of things that are often found in cafes for you guys, print it out and if you check at least 7 out of the 12, you know I’m right (once again). 

Let's see how many you can spot

CAFE CHECKLIST 


EXPOSED BRICK WALLS 

WOODEN FURNITURE 

CHALKBOARDS 

BARE LIGHT BULBS 

A SHOP NAME THAT HAS “COFFEE” IN IT 

EXPOSED PIPES

SOME GUY WITH A MAC 

SOME GIRL SNAPPING PHOTOS OF HER OVERPRICED SANDWICH/DESSERT 

“WITTY” QUOTES MOUNTED ON THE WALL 

A SIGN WITH THE CAFÉ’S INSTAGRAM HANDLE 

BUTCHER PAPER MENUS

FREE WI-FI 

The lack of creativity annoys me. Sure, upon walking in my first few cafes, I was like "Hey, this place looks pretty darn cozy", but after the fifth one, I had trouble differentiating one from another. Nothing stands out. Step out of your comfort zone, be different, add your own touch to the place, why don't ya? It may be the path of least resistance, but Gawddd it's boring. 

Make a music-themed cafe, add some cats in there, hammocks perhaps, a sci-fi cafe anyone? No? A moose-themed cafe? A cafe with topless waitresses like the Grand View Topless Coffee Shop in Vassalboro, Maine? Or the world famous Cafe Lu in Vietnam?

I like my women like I like my coffee. White

"I'll have the... uh... can you repeat the menu please?"

Comeback Fails

If you practice the art of sarcasm, hey that's awesome, we should meet up sometime. Unless you're a dude of course, then screw you. Not literally but you... argh! Getting back to my point, as a frequent user of sarcasm, you'll notice that very often:

a.) not everyone gets it

b.) not everyone has a sense of humour and lastly,

c.) those not blessed with intelligence, use poorly constructed "comebacks"

According to the only dictionary I read, the Urban Dictionary, a lame-back can be defined as such:

A response to a insult in which you insult the person who insulted you with the insult they insulted you with.

Person: Nick, you are a Mexican and gay
Nick: No, you're gay
Person: That was a lame-back

Now, that's but only one example.

Here are some other examples of comebacks that fail and should also be avoided at all costs:

• Anything that involves "your mother"

Example:

Remark: Whoa, nice profile pic. How much time did you spend on Photoshop?

Response: Not as much time as your mother!

But... my mum doesn't even know how to use Photoshop and she doesn't have 6732 profile pictures in various angles and effects. She doesn't even have Facebook! (I hope) Why bring up my mother?

• Repeating sentences in a squeaky voice

Example:

Remark: I doubt I can eat as much as I wanna puke after watching you dance

Response: (in a squeaky voice and often, a retarded facial expression) I doubt I can eat as much as I wanna puke after watching you dance (arm waving)

Now I doubt I can eat as much as I wanna smack you with a frying pan.

• Replying with "Whatevah"

• Attempting to use reverse psychology

Example:

Remark: I doubt I can eat as much as I wanna puke after watching you dance

Response: Yeah lah, I know you're a good dancer lah. Who am I after all?

How does agreeing to what I say make it any better for you?

Now that you know, run along my child, and practice, or heck, even Google search if you're guilty of any of the above mentioned "comebacks."