Humpathon: The Truth is in Here!

Miss Cel-lu-li-tee

2011-09-28T21:30:00.007+08:00

Now, if there's one thing that disgusts me more than the songs they play on radio... okay, I can't just name one thing. But one of 'em would be people who are, erm, how do I put this nicely... fat and decide to put their flabs on display. What? Oh, you're not fat? You're big boned? The image below seems to indicate otherwise, but sure, if that tickles your pickle.

Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against people who are fat/obese/overweight. Nothing at all, but I can't help but feel repulsed by those who are fat, yet dress up in the most revealing outfits. Yay you, the only perk of being fat is that you've got huge tits, show it off. Then when guys look, whaddya know? +10 to self-esteem! Yay! Or you might be going, "Hey gurl, you just ignore this angry sumbitch and wear what makes you feel comfortable." Yeah, but it makes EVERYONE else UN-comfortable and besides, how comfy can it be having fat jiggling around like a wind chime?

But that's not my point, I couldn't care less what makes them feel better, whether it's an entire tub of ice-cream drowned in chocolate sauce, marshmallows, bacon, rabbits and cornflakes or only posting pics of themselves, neck up. Cool down on the super, short shorts will ya? Unlike you guys, some of us are skinny and can't afford to lose our appetites. Yes, I am talkin' about fat people dressing up in outfits 7 times smaller their size then stomping around malls, clubs and whatnot proudly parading their cellulite.

And as with all the things I hate, this too, has now given me inspiration to rant. Heck, fuck it, I'll even go to the extent of writing a song. You guys remember the song "Dy-na-mi-tee" by Miss Dynamite? Here's the Moose's version. I call this one...

"Cel-lu-li-tee"

Yo I'm not the same little girl that grew up next door to you

Went through all the things a teenage girl goes through

Eatin' out all night breakin my curfew

When my daddy locked the fridge I gave my mumma the blues

Use 2 spend my time blazin' lazin' days away

Knew I was fat left home at 15 didn't want to obey

Had 2 get my act together couldn't take the heat

Ah, who am I kiddin'? Let's go fuckin' eat

I'm Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

I stay eatin' up ur cereals everybody gotta still feed me though

I'm just Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

Hear me chompin' on da radio

Now feel my carbs, u get me though

I'm Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

See me bouncin' in da video

And I come to eat some more

I'm Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

Everybody loose control

Let my lips touch your bowl

I remember all the house parties that took place

Bein' in my bed upstairs and I would be stuffin' my face

And my cousins and my brothers we'd sit up all night

Listenin' to my family vibin', eating till the mornin' light

Remember my first years of school I was so innocent

I just wanted to fuckin' eat I never been so content

But the more that I ate I found my pants growing tight

Fuck that, gimme another Sprite,

Cause I be

I'm Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

I stay eatin' up ur Oreo

Everybody gotta hear me though

I'm just Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

Hear me munchin' on da radio

Now feel my belly grow, u get me though

I'm Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

See me bouncin' in da video

And I come to eat at the show

I'm Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

Everybody loose control

Gimme whatever's in that bowl

At 13 I thought I was in love with this guy

Then I realised that all I ever needed was just some pie

Remember eatin' the class clown I was just a disruptive fool

And the beatin' I got first time suspended from school

Remember Sunday School and after go to granmas for lunch

Macaroni, rice and peas, chicken and pineapple punch

Never loved sharing with my mum brother sister and me

Cause' the food was never enough to let me grow

to be

I'm Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

My legs' jiggle like Jell-O

Everybody can hear me walkin' through

I'm just Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

Yeh I'm fat but I reveal it all yo

Now deal widdit and pass me the dough

I'm Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

See me bouncin' around in a video

And I'd even eat that fuckin' crow

I'm Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

I can't help but loose control

Now come here while I try to eat ur soul

I'm just Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

If you look anything like Megan Fox though, by all means, please put those short shorts on.

Insidiously Idiotic

2011-05-19T20:28:00.011+08:00

I've sorta given up on movies lately. I remember a time when I could actually list down my "top 5 favourite movies of the month" or if I've been consuming my Scott's Emulsion Cod Liver Oil as instructed by my mother, I could even possibly name my favourite movies for the year. This time around, that doesn't happen. The last good movie I watched was... Fast Five. Whoopee-doo. Most recently, it was Insidious. Which was NOT a good movie.

in·sid·i·ous

adjective /inˈsidēəs/

Proceeding in a gradual, subtle way, but with harmful effects

- sexually transmitted diseases can be insidious and sometimes without symptoms

Treacherous; crafty

- tangible proof of an insidious alliance

According to the Moose-tionary, it simply means a stupid horror movie.

I usually wouldn't bother watching a new horror movie release, cause' all the new ones have kids with long hair, violin music and a noisy baby who cries half the movie. But from what I heard about this one, it was scary. VERY, scary in fact. I was intrigued. I had free tickets (always a huge plus), and with all that talk about it being freaky, I was finally ready to sit down and watch a proper movie. Plus, I sorta enjoyed Paranormal Activity and Saw (both, only the first ones), and that James Wan bugger directed Insidious as well. This had to be good, I kept convincing myself.

Sadly, here's how the story went...

The Setting

If you're familiar with Paranormal Activity, you should know how it goes:

They start off with a happy family doing some fun-filled family activity together, the couple is always happy, and the woman is always a house wife. (Sexist! Nah, I kid. Kitchen is where they belong) Then they'd usually have a kid or two. Perhaps a dog. They'll live in a huge house, definitely with a basement or an attic. And oh, they have to be white. Cause' like the great Eddie Murphy once said, when a ghost says "Get outttt," black people get the fuck outta there, but not white folks... no sir-eee. They go, "Well, that's peculiar... what is that?" And then they end up getting fucked. Not literally, cause now that would be fun. Gettin' fucked by a ghost. So anyway, that's exactly how Insidious starts. More or less...

Quit your yapping and make me a bacon sammich, bish!

Next, we have subtle hints that something just ain't right with the house. Perhaps something really small, and almost unnoticeable at first, like a missing box. An open door. A soft thump. (Heehee, thump rhymes with 'hump') Etc. Then it turns dark, and the noises slowly increase day by day, and just like Paranormal Activity, the level of violence and disturbance increases by the day. Some of the disturbances include door slamming, a baby crying, hearing a voice over the baby monitor, laughter, shadows, sudden flashes of a scary figure/face and kids complaining about stuff like "he keeps looking at me mummy" or "I don't like him anymore." And of course, mummy has to ask who "he" is, and the kid will probably say "the little boy who lives upstairs, mummy" or crap like that. You get the picture.

"He keeps looking at me, mummy!"

Anyway, so things start getting more violent, and the wife is convinced the house is haunted. Even more so since her eldest boy suddenly falls into a coma, and not even the doctors can explain the reason. Soon she resorts to an exorcist (who of course has to be an old lady), and finds out that the issue is not with the house, but with the kid. Naturally, the husband thinks it's all a load of crap, but soon, he too starts believing. Then the exorcist explains what happened to the kid. He can basically go on a "soul train" (Haha! I so funny) and separate himself from his body at night, when he sleeps. Only this time, he got a little too adventurous, and got lost. Haha! Take that for not leaving bread crumbs! Oh nuuu! How do they get his soul back? Through a stupid twist of course!

"Get on the soulllll plane brotha!"

The Twist: In a sudden turn of events that would usually only be possible in a M. Night Shyamalan movie, the father TOO has the ability to "soul surf" and so he heroically gets transported into this dimension called "The Further" and from there onwards, the movie starts sucking big time. Why? Well, he has a fist fight with one of the ghosts for starters... And horror movies basically start becoming boring when they show the ghosts. And in this movie, there were A LOT of ghosts - with cheap make up. I swear, even 13 Ghosts looked better.

Anyway, he goes to "The Further" looking for his son, brawls with a ghost, walks past a few other ghosts who reenact how they died, finds the ghost of some old hag who used to hang out with him when he went on his "soul-capades" when he was younger (in hopes of possessing his body), screams at her bravely "You're not real! I'm not afraid of you! I wore my Superman undies today!" and blah blah blah, finds the kid. Brings him back. End of story. Oh but wait! That old hag came back with him, so he's still stuck in 'The Further' which is possibly gonna lead to a much UN-anticipated sequel.

Bottom line? The fuck? Haven't you been paying attention? Now go start from the top all over again.

Comeback Fails

2011-05-12T19:05:00.001+08:00

If you practice the art of sarcasm, hey that's awesome, we should meet up sometime. Unless you're a dude of course, then screw you. Not literally but you... argh! Getting back to my point, as a frequent user of sarcasm, you'll notice that very often:

a.) not everyone gets it

b.) not everyone has a sense of humour and lastly,

c.) those not blessed with intelligence, use poorly constructed "comebacks"

According to the only dictionary I read, the Urban Dictionary, a lame-back can be defined as such:

A response to a insult in which you insult the person who insulted you with the insult they insulted you with.

Person: Nick, you are a Mexican and gay
Nick: No, you're gay
Person: That was a lame-back

Now, that's but only one example.

Here are some other examples of comebacks that fail and should also be avoided at all costs:

Anything that involves "your mother"

Example:

Remark: Whoa, nice profile pic. How much time did you spend on Photoshop?

Response: Not as much time as your mother!

But... my mum doesn't even know how to use Photoshop and she doesn't have 6732 profile pictures in various angles and effects. She doesn't even have Facebook! (I hope) Why bring up my mother?

Repeating sentences in a squeaky voice

Example:

Remark: I doubt I can eat as much as I wanna puke after watching you dance

Response: (in a squeaky voice and often, a retarded facial expression) I doubt I can eat as much as I wanna puke after watching you dance (arm waving)

Now I doubt I can eat as much as I wanna smack you with a frying pan.

Replying with "Whatevah"

Attempting to use reverse psychology

Example:

Remark: I doubt I can eat as much as I wanna puke after watching you dance

Response: Yeah lah, I know you're a good dancer lah. Who am I after all?

Okayyy... and how does agreeing to what I say make it any better for you?

Now that you know, run along my child, and practice, or heck, even google search if you're guilty of any of the above mentioned "comebacks."

Facebook Meltdowns

2011-05-03T19:44:00.034+08:00

Would you stop looking at me like that? I know it's been a while, but seriously, when all you do from 9 - 5 is stare at the screen and write, the last thing you'd wanna do is come back home, stare at the screen and write more. I guess this proves I'm having heaps of fun at work (read: someone please help me. They're watching me) - since now all my ranting can actually be done in print. Minus the vulgarities. Okay, no. Even the magazine isn't spared from my "French" which is why I've honestly taken all my ranting there.

ADVERTISEMENT: For the best in men-tertainment, check out The Score magazine.

Shameless, I know. But speaking of shameless, I've found several topics to rant about

again! Do I hear my imaginary readers cheering? Aww, you guys! I know I've already written a post about Facebook camwhores, so this time, let's take a look at certain habits that people display as their status updates. See, along with a great social networking site comes a great deal of moronic activity. And I'm here to point it out. Harsh, I know, but somemoose's gotta do it. Let's start off with...

THINGS YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOUR PROFILE PICTURES

1.) Pouting does NOT make you look cute - it makes you look like a member of the poultry family, specifically, a duck.

2.) Licking your lips does NOT make you look sexy - unless you're Kate Upton. Then of course, the only lips you should be licking would be mine. Kate Upton if you're reading this, marry me.

3.) Sucking on your fingers portrays poor hygiene - and a sort of loneliness, when you come to think about it. Also, when you're fat and you do that, "cannibalism" comes to mind.

4.) Using a profile picture that is 5% you, 67% Photoshop and 28% make-up only scares the living shit out of us when we see you in person. Or we (sometimes intentionally) wouldn't recognize you and conveniently forget to say hi.

Then we have... THE STATUS UPDATES NO ONE CARES ABOUT

"Stuck in a bad jam near that road behind that red building with a polka-dotted roof and a three- legged-Rhino on the front lawn for nearly 10 minutes. FML!"

Telling us that does not in any way, help you OR us. Especially us. It's a waste of time, a waste of status space and above all, how do I put this nicely... ? We don't give a fuck. We have the radio for

updates.

"It's 9PM, still at the office. 7 e-mails, 5 faxes and a dead kitten to clean up. FML"

Same as above, WE DON'T CARE! Cept' for the dead kitten part ): RIP Mr. Waffles. Okay, so you wanna give everyone this image that you "work more than everyone else" and "have a tough job", expecting us to think "Wow, this dude. He's like Superman. He works so much, and here I am going home at 5PM. He must be so awesome. He's gotta be wayyyy more important than I am!" When in fact, what we think is... "HAH HAH! I get to go home at 5 beeyatch! Suck on that your corporate slave! Happy hours anyone? No? Okay, I'll just masturbate."

"Having a slice of bread with Uncle Patrick! Omnomnomnom"

Bitch, we don't give a shit. Unless the bread is laced with LSD, or your mum's a MILF and she has a habit of eating bread while naked, we honestly, do NOT care what you're having for breakfast, lunch, tea, dinner or supper. Look, we get it, you're at some fancy place, and you NEED to show it off but you try to casually divert the attention to "the food", when we actually know you're proud of the fact that you're visiting some fancy restaurant that your parents or boyfriend is paying for. Now if you're cooking something out of Epic Meal Time, now THAT's something you should post up.

"I love you, Mommy! Happy Mother's Day! XOXOXO :)"

And yo mama doesn't even have FB... you expecting us to go "Aww, that's so sweet. I bet that your mum would magically feel your love the moment you post that status up here. Online. Where your mum isn't..." How bout you save the act and actually take your mother out and do something nice for her instead of fishing for compliments over the net?

If you stop fishing for compliments, maybe you'll actually get one...

Next, we have THE FACEBOOK MELTDOWN STATUSES

People who suffer from Facebook meltdowns are my favourite! They're such a fun bunch because their entire life highly depends on Facebook and what goes on there. Think of it this way, each time their photo/status gets a "like" they wet themselves a little, have a goofy smile plastered on their faces and get +5 to their self-esteem. Tell tale signs of these kinda people often include over 500 profile pictures (from every different angle, colour, background), status updates up to 10 times a day and more. A very emotionally-challenged bunch, if you will. Here are some examples:

"What's up with people and... (name smth that everyone else is doing). What a bunch of twats/idiots/wankers!"

Oh, look! You're so unique. You're the epitome of non-"mainstreamness", you're the hipster lord, also you're fat. While there's nothing wrong with being different or having a different opinion (i.e: like how I hate Bieber), don't attempt this just to portray a "tough guy" image. Cause' when you're caught contradicting yourself (which is guaranteed to happen), you're only gonna end up venting your anger on Facebook which leads to my next point.

"Some people should just learn to mind their own business." OR "Say what you want, I'm not affected :)" OR "I have some friends who are just dumb" OR "And this one is for those people I know who think they are (insert something that the poster is actually envious/angry about)"

i.e: good looking, rich, have the best job etc. OR basically any other "subliminal" status updates in which the status poster confuses to be "smart", "discreet" or "sneaky." (It's really not)

These are actually alright to say... if you're five-years old that is. You'd think at most, that only humans with vaginas would attempt this kind of faggotry, but nuuuu... full-grown adults even practice this. Some, also with vaginas.

If you wanna cry over something your fwens said behind your back (aww), perhaps talking to them is a better option. If you have a problem with someone, call that person up, arrange a meet and talk about it like adults. Or hire a flock of killer pigeons strapped with C4s to suicide dive his/her ass. Spare us your emotional status updates on Facebook, cause it's honestly sad and more importantly, makes you look like a giant sack of wrist-slashing-Elton John loving, G-String wearing homo. Or Justin Bieber for short. If you're not "affected", shut the fuck up about it. You don't have to post up a status telling people that you're not affected. Chicks are mostly guilty of these status updates, often craving for 'comforting' comments like: "Aww, babe. It's okay, let's meet up and talk about it. (This often means a night of dressing like a French whore, getting totally wasted, crashing the car and then crying uncontrollably while talking to the ex) I love you hun! Fuck that bastard who hurt you!"

And adding that stupid ":)" does not cloak your fragile feelings of hurt and anger. It does not make us go, "Hey! She/He sounds so angry, but wait a minute! WTF is that?! It's a.. it's a smiley! Oh, she/he must be totally cool with what happened but decided to take time off and post it as his/her status because everyone needs to know. Man, what a cool dude/dudette. I mean, you'd think after all that whining, bitching and complaining s/he'd end the sentence with a "!" but nope, not this guy/gal. She/He smiles!"

FAST FACT:

How To Spot an Insecure FB user/ Facebook Meltdown Candidate

They post something - realize it's stupid - remove it - then realize some people may have seen it - rephrase it and repost it - then over think things once again - fall into a state of paranoia -delete it - realize that "people are watching" (when no one actually cares) - DEACTIVATE FB ACCOUNT (after keyboard slamming, shouting, listening to Metal/Emo music etc.)

Give em' bout two months at most, they'll be back with a "Guess who's back? :))))" (Note that the additional smiles actually symbolizes shame) and give them some time before their habits kick in again.

Moose's Confession Box

2011-01-17T14:24:00.003+08:00

Dear Emily Blunt

John Krasinski? You married him? Really Emily? He’s the reason I don’t watch The Office and besides, what’s with that huge chin of his? Does he use it as a tool to crack open walnuts? He's got more chins than a Chinese phonebook. And you call that acting? Bollocks! He makes Keanu Reeves look like friggin’ George Clooney.

But enough about him... No, wait. Just one more. You can be honest – he has the entire Jonas Brothers discography doesn’t he? Okay, now I'm done. Emily, I'm going to be blunt with you (see how funny I am?), regular guys don’t watch The Devil Wears Prada or a movie about the British monarch, but since you were in both, I found it hard to resist. I may have skipped to only your scenes in hopes of some skin, but hey, I am but a Moose with needs. That accent, that elegance... Damn Anne Hathaway for introducing you to John! Can you tell her how much I friggin' despise her?

You also proved to me and everyone else with half a brain on just how versatile you are by playing the damsel in distress in The Wolfman – I got so pissed when that overgrown mutt chased you around! I mean, screw what the SPCA would say, I'd shoot that overgrown poodle right in the head. Oh, I hear you’ll be taking on the role of Princess Mary in Gulliver’s Travels too, and for the record, even if you were struck by a shrink ray and actually got reduced to the size of a Liliputian, my feelings for you wouldn’t change – unlike John Krasinski. I trust you’ll make the right choice, Emily. You know how to reach me.

Love,
Teh Moose

Batmobile History Lesson

2011-01-10T15:41:00.004+08:00

I say young lad. Today, I, Sir Moose the Third shall provide some enlightening for your delicate, Batman loving minds on just how the awe-inspiring Batmobile has evolved. Unlike the pitiful brains of our kind, the Batmobile has in fact, progressed throughout time. Below is the illustration on just how this vehicle I someday hope to possess has so brilliantly evolved. Good day lads and enjoy.

Click this here link and be amazed.

Teh Movie Quiz

2010-12-30T15:55:00.003+08:00

Here's a quiz in movies for a change! See if you can spot the 50 hidden movie titles in this picture.

The person who guesses the most movie titles correctly wins a small boost in self-esteem and one week's worth of diarrhea related suffering brought to you by the new Prosperity Burger from Mc Donalds.

Surely, we'll miss him!

2010-12-14T15:08:00.004+08:00

Yes, we will, but don’t call him Shirley!

Remember the long, sad list of awfully talented people who passed away in 2010? No, not Bieber. I said ‘talented’. What’s wrong with you!? And she’s still alive... I think. Bummer... Anyway, the mourning continues and this time, adding to the list of pure talents who have left us to the big stage above is funnyman, Leslie Nielsen who passed away on 28th November 2010, at the age of 84 due to pneumonia. Teh Moose flips the finger to pneumonia! And Jersey Shore too, while I'm at it.

A tragic loss indeed especially since movies like Airplane, Police Squad, Naked Gun, Repossessed and Dracula: Dead and Loving It holds a special place in the hearts and funny bones of many. To pay tribute to this much-loved king of deadpan one-liners, Teh Moose presents to you some of his most memorable movie quotes.

Rest in Peace my good man.

NOTE: You’ll need to memorise at least one of these and share it with your spouse, parents, cousins, grandma, pets (unless you have a pet duck, they don’t really get his jokes) or Herald, the guitar-wielding Hobo who lives down your street. Do it!

NIELSENISMS

Quotes from Airplane!

Rumack: You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.
Elaine Dickinson: A hospital? What is it?
Rumack: It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now.

Rumack: Captain, how soon can you land?
Captain Oveur: I can't tell.
Rumack: You can tell me. I'm a doctor.
Captain Oveur: No. I mean I'm just not sure.
Rumack: Well, can't you take a guess?
Captain Oveur: Well, not for another two hours.
Rumack: You can't take a guess for another two hours?

Quotes from Police Squad!

Dutch Gunderson: Who are you and how did you get in here?
Frank: I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.

Frank: We're sorry to bother you at such a time like this, Mrs. Twice. We would have come earlier, but your husband wasn't dead then

Frank: Is there a ransom note?
Ed: Yes, the butler found it; it was tied to this window and thrown into the rock garden. I sent the note to the lab; they're demanding one million dollars.
Frank: Why would the lab demand a million dollars?

Quotes from the Naked Gun movies:

Frank: Now, Jane, what can you tell us about the man you saw last night?
Jane: He's Caucasian.
Ed: Caucasian?
Jane: Yeah, you know, a white guy. A moustache. About six-foot-three.
Frank: Awfully big moustache.

Frank: This is Frank Drebin, Police Squad. Throw down your guns, and come on out with your hands up. Or come on out, then throw down your guns, whichever way you wanna do it. Just remember the two key elements here: one, guns to be thrown down; two, come on out!

Frank: Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes.

Frank: That's the red-light district. I wonder why Savage is hanging around down there.
Captain Ed Hocken: Sex, Frank?
Frank: Uh, no, not right now, Ed.

Frank: I'm single! I love being single! I haven't had this much sex since I was a Boy Scout leader!
[Music stops playing. Everyone stops talking and stares at him]
Frank: [to everybody] I mean at the time I was dating a lot.

Oh, and not everyone is aware that prior to his ruling of the comedy kingdom, Leslie Nielsen was a pretty big dramatic actor back in the 60’s, with leading roles in TV shows like The Virginian, Bonanza and he also starred in movies like Forbidden Planet and The Poseidon Adventure. Talk about talent!

I Still Hate Ronald

2010-11-25T19:40:00.002+08:00

Are you seeing this? Not only is he a pedo, he's into animals too.

Here he is taking full advantage of a majestic Moose. This is unacceptable!

My hatred for Ronald will never subside!!!!

Centipedes vs Millipedes

2010-11-22T17:50:00.014+08:00

By now, I was hoping everyone would already have their Crush-Teh-Centipede Kit at hand, constantly on the lookout for slithering, million-legged terrorpedes crawling out of drains, sinks and on certain instances, out of Queen Latifah's fat ass. But noo... Some people may have the kit, they may have the hatred... and don't get me wrong - that brings me insanely great joy. Almost like the day when either my step-father or Justin Bieber dies. So, anyway. After smacking the "centipedes" to glory, or simply taking pictures of centipedes to torment me with captions like "Look Moosey! It's your friend XD" or "Want these in your pants? No? Then gimme all your bacon!" (which is a real cruel threat by the way), they show me... millipedes.

Look, millipedes are MILESSSS apart from centipedes. No where near. It's like the North Pole and South Pole. Like Samuel L Jackson and Prince. Like

Susan Boyle and Kim Kardashian... They don't even deserve to be compared! I'm not saying this in a sense, that I'm insulted or... actually, for some strange reason, supporting those creatures from Hell. God, no. That would be insane. I just want people to know the damn differences, so that more centipedes can be killed, and innocent millipede lives can be saved. With that being said, I'm gonna list down some notable similarities and differences between the two. So the next time anyone comes up to you, and says 'Meh, centipedes and millipedes. Tomatos, tomatoes. Pussy, vagina. Tis all the same dude.' You should react this way...

I'll tell you why. Let's start with the similarities...

CENTIPEDES AND MILLIPEDES - a case study

The Similarities

They both have "pede" in their names. And just so you know, 'pede' is the French slang for homosexual. Or, it could be short for 'pedo'. Somehow... Either way, it reflects on how much they suck... Ahaha! Suck! Geddit? God, I'm funny.
They're both related to Uncle George from the lobsters, crayfish and shrimp family
They both enjoy moist areas like your ass, and/or places with high humidity... like your ass also.
They have both died in the hands of Teh Moose. What!? That damn millipede walked in my path, damn it. He was asking for it.

So much for similarities. Pfft... Now for what sets them apart. (And why you should hate centipedes more)

The Differences

One is a sick, demented, twisted... Okay, this is getting too personal. Centipedes are part of a class known as Chilopoda, (which is NOT Mexican for Broccoli Fucker) while Millipedes are part of the Diplopoda class.
Millipedes poop in fear or coil like a bunch of pansies when provoked. Centipedes leap on you and inject you with venom.

Ooo, look at me! I'm all coiled up. Maybe the evil humans will leave me alone now. *PROD*

Centipedes move fast. And I mean... fast. One second you're chasing them with a hammer, you get distracted by your neighbour's hot daughter, Natalie, and POOF! They're gone. Millipedes on the other hand... You could be chasing em with a slipper, get distracted by Natalie, watch her take a shower, watch her notice you peeping, but instead of screaming, she smiles and invites you in. She goes down on you, she says she's been watching you ever since you moved into Dolphin Court in Seychelles, you guys have sex, then you get hungry, so you order some Island Fried Chicken (real famous in Seychelles), watch some Tupac video clips, kiss her goodbye, remember that slipper and that millipede you were chasing... and still find it in that same spot... Or maybe it moved to the wall. Either way... *SPLAT*
That was a true story by the way.
Centipedes have less legs as compared to millipedes. For the centipedes, they have like one pair of legs per body segment, while millipedes have two for each segment. (cept the front three segments - those have a pair each)
Centipedes BITE! HARD! Some bites can even prove fatal. Millipedes probably let off a stench that smells like Aunt Martha's cooking, and pray you get so terrified that you flee. Hoping that they could head to the pub after and brag to their other Millipede mates on how they warded off an annoying human. Don't go rubbing your eyes after touching Millipedes though. That smelly goo they let off has toxins, and could possibly be harmful to your eyes and in severe cases, you might grow a third nipple.
Centipedes have long ass antennae (so they can track their prey, a.k.a you and I, better). Millipedes have short ones, possibly because they're related to the Japanese.
Female centipedes are HIGHLY defensive/protective over their eggs, and they WILL friggin' coil into a "S" shape and jump straight at you when provoked. Millipedes will say "Fuck that!" and abandon their eggs when threatened.
Centipedes have documentaries, movies and sex positions made after or about them. Millipedes appear in documentaries and movies by mistake.
Millipedes get owned by little assassin bug nymphs (ectrichodia crux). Centipedes are able to eat snakes.

Herpes didn't seem funny all of a sudden.

Om nom nom. Centipedes love 'Snake Nights'. Here's the VIDEO

THEY LOOK FUCKING DIFFERENT YOU SHIT-HEADS!

There, now that's settled. Any time any of you go hiking, jungle trekking or whatnot and stumble upon a CENTIPEDE, KILL IT! Refer to my previous centipede-related post on methods of killing them HERE!

Know Your Bands pt. II

2010-11-11T20:37:00.005+08:00

Ello peeps! Pardon my absence. Been really caught up with well... life! And now I'm back, so before I start my rants... here's a music quiz. To keep you guys occupied.

Oh, visited Zhuhai recently. Once the damn pics are up, I'll be sure to post an article about my experience. For now, try solving this band name quiz. Each tile has an image and/or colour representing a band. See how many you can guess correctly WITHOUT cheating. Post yer answers in the comment section if ya will.

Best of luck!

The Hatred Continues

2010-09-15T15:39:00.003+08:00

Ah, don't give me that look. It's been too long, I know. But when your job revolves around writing on a daily basis for a company you don't even like, you tend to give up. Meh, not for long. I'll do my best to make a return for all you non-existent fans! But for now...

That is all. Have a good day.

Fat World

2010-06-30T15:33:00.003+08:00

Parody time once again with Teh Moose!
Original song: Mad World - Gary Jules (if you've not heard this before, you... a.) suck and b.) should do so NOW, before proceeding with the parody)

Done? Good. Now, sing along with these lyrics instead:

FAT World
by: Teh Moose

All around me are chubby faces
Worn out dresses, worn out faces
Fat and lazy for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere

Their milkshakes are filling up their glasses
Extra whipcream, extra whipcream
Hide my head I wanna gorge my eyes out
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find you kind of chubby, I find you kind of fat
The dreams in which you're dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, You're the cause of earthquakes
When people run in circles its because of the...
Fat world, fat world

Children waiting for the day they lose weight
Keep on dreaming, Keep on dreaming
But I feel that every child should eventualy get laid
Sit and listen, sit and listen

Went to school and you were very nervous
No one knew you, no one liked you
Hello teacher tell me, what's my lesson?
Must be phys ed, Must be phys ed

And I find you kind of chubby, I find you kind of fat
The dreams in which you're dying are the best I've ever had
I find you really smelly, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its because it's a
Fat world, Fat world, enlarging your world
Fat world

We're All The Same

2010-06-16T15:53:00.007+08:00

If there's one thing I can't stand besides raisins, centipedes, peas, pineapples, bimbos, Twilight, politics, black pepper, boy bands, Justin Bieber, animal cruelty, Elmo, the vuvuzela and soppy movies (among other stuff), it's people who make fun of the disabled.
I'm gonna save the whole reasoning behind this because if you're already here on my blog, you've got some level of intelligence on you. That or you like boobies as much as I do.

This one's for all you Humpathon boobie fans

Anyway, moving on to the topic of my post. I was surfing the web and I came across this video.
Meet Zach Anner, a 25 year old Texan who has cerebral palsy. (Note: I did not say 'suffers' from cerebral palsy and I highly suggest you don't too.) When Oprah held a contest called "Your Own Show", a talent search produced by Oprah and "Survivor" creator Mark Burnett, Zach along with other hopeful winners sent in their videos but it was Zach's video that got the greatest response - over 2.5 million votes in under a week!

This goes to prove that Zach Anner is no different than you and I, in fact he could possibly be better. When news of people making fun, ill treating or looking down on guys like Zach surfaces, it pisses me off to no end. To them, I flip the bird.

Anyway, this isn't a post out to gain sympathy for Zach, it's more of an awareness campaign. Through the video above, you can see how simply fuckin' hilarious this guy is!

"This isn't yoga, I'm just putting on pants."
"No obstacle is too big, no mountain is too high, no volcano is too hot, and no Atlantis is too underwater or fictional!"

Even John Mayer has noticed the kid and said he'd "love to see a show by this kid" after posting Zach's video on his blog. Zach thanked him and said "I know my body is a wonderland, but I don't know why he'd be interested in me!" on another video in which he thanked all the people who voted for him as well.

Check out Zach Anner's other video where he interviews Michael Cera and Alia Shawkat for kissing advice.

I think it's just amazing how people like Zach strive to pursue their dreams, demolishing any obstacles whatsoever in their path. Then you get little twats who complain about the tiniest of things while others are so content and satisfied living in their little own monotonous world, that they're too gutless to step outside of their comfort zone and actually pursue their utmost desires. The only thing stopping you from achieving your dreams... is you. Anyway, enough of my motivational crap talk, you have self-help books for that. I only have this to say, you only live once, and you're not growing younger by the day. If you keep holding things up, waiting for a tomorrow that will never come, you ain't going nowhere. Have a dream? Work towards it NOW dammit. Plus, with all that speculation that the world's gonna end in 2013, you had better hurry..

Lamb of God, Wrath Tour

2010-06-09T16:58:00.013+08:00

L.O.G camwhored while waiting for the train

Teh Moose recently experienced the ultimate concert with Metal legends, Lamb of God first hand - fists pumping, head banging, body slamming and all.

I’ve seen their videos, I was fond of their songs and I sure as Hell have seen the clips of thousands of people running into each other at full speed during the insane act known as the “Wall of Death.” The thought of injecting steroids into my system did run through my head – it was the only way a 6 ft 2, skinny ass like me was gonna make it through the night, but after much debate, I decided against it. Mainly because of my fear of needles.

I totally ignored the cries of caution like “You should bring along your full plate armour!” or “Scream ‘Justin Bieber is awesome!’ and they’ll be sure to let you off the hook”… I especially ignored that last one.

Anyway, it was my first Metal concert, the closest being Korn’s concert here in Malaysia back in 2009. But this was different, for one, it was happening at D’Marquee, Downtown East in Singapore and secondly, “Wall of Death”, remember!? Plus you know how the concerts here are. Deep Purple was a sit-down concert for fuck’s sake.

The venue was filled with Metalheads of every shape, race, gender, age and hair-do. Each with their own unique tee-shirt paying tribute to their favourite Metal band, singer or it had scary imprints of a skeleton a with flaming sword dry humping a tied-up, blind folded female slave – true story. What made it special was, they were all (despite their physical and sexual preference differences) part of a family and I was their newest member. I admit it, I didn’t know what to expect… was I gonna make it with all my ribs and teeth intact? Was I going to become partially deaf? Was I going to fall for a worthy female counterpart with tattoos, a tongue piercing, a leather outfit and an obsession with lethal weapons and in turn, get disowned by my parents?? This was all so new to me. Screw it, I said to myself while screwing the jar of peanut butter I was munching on tightly.

Goodbye mum and dad!

This was Lamb of God… definitely worth it! I stepped in the tent and was greeted by fans clad in black tees chanting the Pure American Metal band’s name while throwing their hands in the air with the easily identifiable ‘Devil Horns’ sign. Their chants immediately morphed into excited screams and shouts when the intro from ‘The Passing’ came on. More songs from their latest album, Wrath followed next with ‘In Your Words’ and ‘Set To Fail’ which was more than enough for the fans to kick start the sacrificial ritu… I mean mosh pit. It was like a scene from Prison Break when all the prisoners escaped only I joined in. Also, there was no T-Bag character walking around with his bitch holding on to the insides of his pocket.

Randy Blythe fed our hunger for more by playing ‘Walk With Me In Hell’ and ‘Now You’ve Got Something To Die For.’ Should it have been a normal day, with that much head banging and jumping around, my legs would’ve already been quivering and I would’ve had to sit down and catch my breath. But the energy that filled me that night was unexplainable. With Chris Adler’s
drumming, Willie Adler’s crazy guitar rifts, John Campbell with the bass and Randy’s energetic and somewhat erotic growls, I wanted more. We all did. The pit grew larger and larger, especially so when Randy himself screamed, “Open it up!” I scanned the crowd eagerly for some Metalhead females who took what he said literally… no such luck however.

Back to the pit… I was head banging so hard to ‘Contractor’ that the concert tee shirts I purchased earlier flew out of my bag without me even noticing. Had it not been for that helpful metal head beside me who tapped me on my shoulder and pointed down to them, I would’ve been grieving over my loss right about now. See, that’s the surprising thing – one would expect a Metal concert to be filled with vicious, angry people whose happiness is based solely on the suffering of others and the decapitation of farm animals like goats… but this is absolutely not the case. There exists an unmentioned Metal Code of Ethics, and as mentioned before, we were a family, constantly on the lookout for a fallen comrade or someone in trouble. I’d request that you personally attend and experience a Metal concert before laying down prejudgments on the highly misunderstood Metalheads. I thanked the chap and my focus went back to the concert.

It was getting wilder than before and at last, the moment I dreaded yet secretly anticipated had arrived – the intro for ‘Black Label’ came on and I felt a shudder of excitement flow down through my spine as I watched the crowd divide themselves into two. The countdown took place and before I knew what was happening, all Hell broke loose. People were running into each other at top speed, bodies slamming, people had a look of pure animalistic rage on their faces and everyone chanted and head banged along to the tunes of one of Lamb of God’s greatest song – the “national anthem” for the Wall of Death, “Black Label.”

Photo: Aloysius Lim & LAMC Productions

I wouldn’t have opted for any other finale to what was possibly the craziest night of my life.
Randy describes it best when he said:

"Holy fuckin shit! You people are fuckin crazy!!!"

Give It A Rest

2010-06-01T19:55:00.024+08:00

It's time for some enlightenment with Teh Moose. As if plagiarized jokes being verbally thrown around isn't bad enough, you get them doing it at such a frequent rate, repeating them over, and over... and over again... We've all heard of em. I'm gonna do society a favor and list down some "expired" jokes that you should refrain from using. Ever...

"Your mother so fat, when she jump for joy... she got stuck" - Russel Peters...

Yes, yes. It was funny the first 1382714987123 times, but just like my aging grandma, it's getting old. Is that the only "yo mama" joke you can produce? Heck, you ain't even 'producing' it, you're just spitting out what you heard from Russel's stand up, probably after watching it for a few hundred times, memorizing and rehearsing all his jokes just so you can use it when:

i.) you're at the next family function while trying to divert the topic of your drinking habits brought up by your overly concerned aunt

ii.) you're on an outing with those nerds you call friends who snicker at every burp and think shoving straws up their noses is the funniest thing since the Bush administration

iii.) you're out with a hot chick and the awkward silence creeps in and she starts noticing the scribbles on your palms that read "Things not to do when on a date. You're a stallion! You're getting lucky tonight playahhh! Condom - check."

In fact, here's a suggestion - refrain from ANY Russel Peters jokes please. (note: This only applies to Malaysians, cause other stand up comedians produce jokes that they can't comprehend and thus, they don't regurgitate it repeatedly)

"My Engrand very the powderful" - I don't know who, but I'd love to meet him/her so I can shove my boot wayyyyy up his/her ass.

Just what kinda retarded shit is this? In no way whatsoever is this the slightest bit "clever" or should I say "crever"/"witty"... In fact, it's pure bullshit, just like how Twilight is full of crap. Yet you get these people going on and on about this. Adding "the" where it doesn't belong only makes you sound stupid, not funny. Adding a "R" where a "L" should be, can be funny at times, but not if you yourself speak like that. No, seriously. Powderful? What the fuck?! Seriously, this shit has been abused more than Rihanna.

Any "Singh" jokes.

Yes, back in the 80's, jokes like "What do you call a Punjabi who's good in fighting?... Box Singh (boxing)! heeeheahahahehaeh" might have worked, but seriously, on behalf of all Punjabis, I plead to you, cut it out. We have knives...

"Why did the chicken cross the road?" jokes...

Look, honestly... it could be cause' Colonel Sanders was chasing him, he had issues with the government, he saw Susan Boyle, Justin Bieber was trying to dry hump the chicken... anything... I wanna live in a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned. Plus, I don't wanna listen to that joke anymore. And I feel pigs are way more awesome. From now on, it's gonna be "Why did the pig cross the road?"

"Don't pray pray" - Phua Chu Kang

He pulls it off cause he has a huge mole, funky yellow contractor boots, curly hair and cause he's Gurmit Singh. You're a desperate nobody who lacks originality. Stop using this.

And while we're on the topic of things that must stop. Here are some 'Sickening Facebook Syndromes'...

The "Snap a Picture with My Pet and Await 'Awws' syndrome

Unless you're doing it genuinely, then it's fine. I mean, there are animal lovers out there, then there are attention whores. If you happen to be the latter, you can go choke on a donkey's left nut. And just for emphasis, that's left nut. Stick with the program.

The "Fuck My Life. I'm fat and Nobody Loves Me" Syndrome

Yes, we know your self-esteem is as low as a hunching midget and how you're a social reject... Begging for attention however, may only work for some blondes - the very same people who consider 'Avatar' the best possible man-made movie ever in the history of mankind, but otherwise, all you're doing is making yourself look like a bigger (pun intended), needy loser.

The "Wannabe Outlaw" Syndrome

Oh, look! A no smoking sign! I'm gonna go light up a cigarette, stand in front of it, put on a "gangstah-i-don't abide-by-the-law" face and ask someone to snap a picture of me so I can post it up on some social networking site. i.e: Facebook. (suck on that, MySpace!) How bout you step up to an electric fence, hold a light-bulb in one hand and lean on the fence with the other and say "Baked Cheese!"? Now that I'd "like."

The "Duckface" Syndrome

Pouting... Does. Not. Make. You. Look. Cute/Adorable/Hot/Sexy/Attractive in any God forsaken way. Why do you people do this? Can't just just smile? Or mouth the words "Cock Sucker" instead? Watching you quacks (puns ftw!) put on that weird pout makes us throw up inside our mouths. If you wanna look slutty, put on a schoolgirl outfit.

p.s: If you do own a slutty schoolgirl outfit, please call me.

The "Unique-Attention-Whore" Syndrome

In hopes of appearing as 'creative' and 'different', attention whores now resort to mid-air shots, somersaults and other freeze-frame pictures to help them gain attention and "likes" and comments that usually go something like "Omg babez! That's such an awesome shot! Were you flying?" by the females, while men usually go "Lolz. Nice shot (while thinking to themselves, dayumm this girl's flexible. Maybe I should shower her with more compliments and pray I get lucky), I have a DSLR too. We should go out sometime and take more pics. ;] ) A picture of someone falling face first into a pile of mud on the other hand, IS funny and "like" worthy.

As of now, these are all I can think of, but rest assured, I'll be updating this list as soon as I encounter more expired jokes and things not to do on Facebook. So as usual, since I take pride in believing that real people actually visit and read my blog posts... with that being said, should you think any additions should be made to this list, go ahead and post 'em in the comments section.

The Year That Wasn't

2010-05-25T09:34:00.011+08:00

As if it wasn't already a gloomy month what with Ronnie James Dio's passing, we now have lost another influential member of the Metal family... Paul Gray.

POLICE said a man found dead in an Iowa hotel room today was Paul Gray, bassist for the Grammy-nominated heavy metal band Slipknot, KCCI in Des Moines reported. Gray was 38 years old.

Gray was found around 10:50am local time at a Marriott hotel in Johnston, Iowa. Police said they saw no evidence of foul play. An autopsy and toxicology testing will be conducted today.

(source - news.com.au)

Slipknot, Rainbow, Black Sabbath and Dio... names of bands that I spent a great deal of time listening to. Bands that have produced some really, REALLY awesome songs. This is such a huge blow. Why can't Justin Bieber or Akon die instead?

Ronnie James Dio

(July 10, 1942 - May 16, 2010)

Paul Dedrick Gray
(April 8, 1972 - May 24, 2010)

And here are some songs:

Blind - Korn feat. Paul Gray

Temple of the King - DIO

Well, fuck that. Rest in Peace guys! You will live forever through your music!

Another Prick In The Zoo

2010-05-24T01:22:00.004+08:00

Time for another song parody.
Originally "Another Brick In The Wall" by Pink Floyd

Another Prick In The Zoo
by Teh Moose

We don't need no photo sessions
We don't need no animal shows
No abusing 'em when we’re not around
Keepers leave them tigers alone
Hey keepers leave them animals alone
All in all your just another prick in the wall
All in all you should be kicked in the balls

[chorus at end by animal activists from the ‘Stop Animal Abuse at A’Famosa’ group, Malaysia]

We don't need no caged wildlife
We don't need no petting zoo
No dark secrets in the back room
Keepers leave them tigers alone
Hey keepers leave them animals alone
All in all you're just another prick in the zoo
All in all the abused just needs to be you

We don't need no stupid cover up
We don't need no crowd control
No point deleting all our comments
A’Famosa leave them tigers alone
Hey morons, leave them tigers alone
All in all your just another dick with no balls
All in all you're just another prick who will fall

[chorus at end by animal activists from the ‘Stop Animal Abuse at A’Famosa’ group, Malaysia]

We don't need no stupid free trip
We don't need no apology
No point running, it’s way too late now
Keepers leave them animals alone
Hey keeper leave them tigers alone
All in all you're just another prick in the wall
All in all you're just another dick who should be a janitor at the mall

Tiger Abuse at A-Famosa

2010-05-21T12:00:00.013+08:00

By now, you should already know that Malaysia is synonymous with "animal abuse" among other words which is simply far too long to list right now.

Besides the third-world manner of dealing with strays - shoving a stick down a dog's throat, tying it up and leaving it do die in its own feces OR organizing a fun activity like "Hunt the Stray & win $$", we've also gotta realize another lingering problem... the abuse of animals for the entertainment of others and just to make a little extra cash.

Places like Zoo Negara are meant to educate the young and old alike on wildlife - from their habits, to what they eat, to their names and blah blah blah. But unlike other countries that make this their priority, we're obviously more focused on the monetary aspect that places like this can provide. Just visit the Zoo and you'll see the pathetic conditions the animals live in, not to mention how malnourished they look. And I think this report by a reporter from Al Jazeera English ought to shock you: Wildlife for sale at Malaysian zoos

Recently, this video of a tiger being abused in A-Famosa has been going around. You can watch it HERE.

Now, this has caused quite a stir among animal activists here in Malaysia, and it's slowly creeping its way internationally too (YAY!). What any regular human being with half a brain sees is a heavily drugged tiger getting its slapped around, having its whiskers pulled and treated in an overall careless manner just for people to stupidly step up, pay RM 15 and have their picture taken with a half-dead tiger.

But when the officials of A-Famosa were questioned about this, they responded with what can possibly be described as the dumbest, most intellectually-challenged response ever.
"The tiger is just lazy..." More specifically, here's the entire e-mail response given by a certain Eric Ong who's from Marketing at A-Famosa.

Dear DewGem,
Warmest Greetings From A'Famosa Resort

We're referring to your e-mail on regards of the video shared on www.youtube.com

We would like make things clear that we never druged any of the animal for entertainment sake. The tiger shown in the video was just merely lazy and it's was (awesome grammar Eric) their nature to do so. We pratice a standard level in handling the animals.

However, rest assure that we had stop the photography session with the tigers due to the public & management concern of the tigers welfare. We appreciated your feedback which had been forwarded to management for their action to be taken.

Thank You.
Eric Ong.

(This e-mail was sent to "DewGem" whose real identity I'm not sure of, but all I can say is I truly value his/her taking concern in this matter and taking the trouble to send an e-mail to Eric. My e-mail was a little more harsh, so no response expected from Eric there.)
HAHAHA! Their nature to do so? Mister Eric here has obviously not subscribed to Animal Planet, or this certain attribute called "common sense" for that matter.

The fellas from A-Famosa also sent an e-mail to another concerned member of the public (whose name is kept private for obvious reasons) saying:

Warmest Greetings From A'Famosa Resort

We're referring to your e-mail on regards of the said video.
We would like to inform that the photography session had been removed since a few months ago due to the concern by the managment of the animal welfare.
We appreciated your feedback and hope that you have a nice day.

Thank You.
Eric Ong

As for now, I've no evidence if what they're saying is true. For all the latest updates on this inhumane issue, you can follow the "Stop Animal Abuse at A-Famosa" Facebook group.

If you feel strongly about this issue too, I suggest you don't retain the "Oh, what can we do? Our country is such. Maybe if I just ignore it, it'll go away" attitude. Instead, voice out your rage. Contact the necessary people.

CONTACTS:
For starters, here are some of the folks from A-Famosa itself.

eric.marketing@afamosa.com
ping.marketing@afamosa.com
kelly.tt@afamosa.com

You can also add the nice folks at A-Famosa on their Facebook page. Feel free to flood the page with cries of anger, complaints and videos of the abuse.

Alternatively, you could visit WWF Malaysia's website. (Personally, I'd say that's wishful thinking) But they ARE having a competition in which 5 celebrities compete for the title of WWF-Malaysia’s Tx2 Tiger Ambassador.We could certainly make full use of that. Or you could flood the WWF Facebook page. That should work too.

Next up, join the Malaysian Conservation Alliance for Tigers (MYCAT) on their Facebook page and voice out your concerns.

More methods of action (taken from Stop Animal Abuse at A'Famosa)

How to Take Action:
Here are some ways you can expose this injustice & drive for action from relevant authorities.

1. Spread the word:
Share this with as many people as possible. Post the link of this video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5ACVn73YL0) on your Facebook Profile and ask your friends to join this Facebook Page on the latest: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Stop-Animal-Abuse-at-A-Famosa/125692030790253?v=app_2373072738

2. CALL the Wildlife Crime Hotline: 019-356-4194 to complain about the A'FAMOSA Tiger Abuse.

3. Write to the Chief Minister of Melaka & include the link to the video posted as the "Website" in this page. Urge him to take enforcement action on this irresponsible methods: alirustam@melaka.gov.my

4. Write to the PERHILITAN Director-General's office & urge for action to change A'Famosa's handling of wildlife:
E-mails: Dato' Abd. Rashid Samsudin rashid@wildlife.gov.my
pakp@wildlife.gov.my
Phone Numbers: http://bit.ly/9Xlg8c

5. Write to wildlife conservation NGOs to advocate for justice on behalf of the abused tigers. If this is how one tiger can be treated, imagine the other animals in the same safari at A'Famosa:

a) Malaysian Conservation Alliance of Tigers (MYCAT). This is a joint programme between Malaysian Nature Society (MNS), TRAFFIC South East Asia, WWF Malaysia, Wildlife Conservation Society (WCS):
Emails: malaysian_cat2003@yahoo.com / mycat@wildlife.gov.my
Tel: +6 (03) 9075 2872 ext 140
More details here: http://www.mns.org.my/artabout.php?aid=40

b) TRAFFIC Network on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/trafficnetwork
TRAFFIC South East Asia e-mail: tsea@po.jaring.my
Tel: +(603) 7880 3940

c) WWF Malaysia on FB: http://www.facebook.com/wwfmy
E-mail: contactus@wwf.org.my
Tel: +603 7803 3772

d) Malaysian Nature Society: http://www.mns.my/
Email: mns@mns.org.my
Tel: +603 - 2287 9422

6. Write to your local newspapers to investigate & write about this affront of wildlife treatment.

7. Call the local TV stations to run an expose on this abuse.

Do your part and make a change! Spread the word and do not let this sick issue remain unknown.

Damn Centipedes

2010-05-03T13:26:00.009+08:00

Well... that's it. This is the end of Teh Moose.
It's been great knowing you guys. After countless years at war with those bastards... after posting up articles with empowering knowledge on how to end the life of centipedes... how they breed, how they act, their favorite hiding spots, how they make macho men like me scream like a little girl... I thought I had won. I had supporters, I had people thanking me for enlightening them on Terrorpedes and their meaningless existence. Some people were in it just for the cool anti-centipede t-shirts, but hey, I made people aware!
But now... they went to the one place that can fuck anyone up. They've gone to Hollywood.
I recently received news that they've made a movie. It's cleverly called 'The Human Centipede.'

I cannot express how freaked out I am, and I think this movie is placed right next to Twilight on my "HOLY-FUCK-I'M-NEVER-WATCHING-THIS" list. Below is the trailer (which I've not watched) so I really don't know how it is. I'm sorry, you guys carry on and watch it. I... I just can't.

The Human Centipede Trailer
I would've placed the player here if it weren't such a fat hoe that keeps blocking my page.

If they come up with 'The Human Raisin', 'The Human Pea... Man. Thingy" or 'The Human Pineapple' next... I swear. Someone up there (in Hollywood) hates me.

The Slut Song

2010-04-27T20:38:00.004+08:00

Here's yet another song parody by yours truly.
This one's called 'The Slut Song'
originally 'The Earth Song' by the late Michael Jackson

Try to have the original song playing in the background or something so you can sing along to it. It's great family fun. Bring your parents, partners and younger siblings too.

Forget about marriage
Forget about kids
Forget about all the things
That you expected to gain...
Forget about dates
Why waste time
Forget about all the things
That you said was yours and hers...
Did you ever stop to notice
All the so-called college trips
Did you ever stop to notice
The lying sluts, the cheating whores!?

Aaaaaaaaaah Aaaaaaaaaah

What have you done to the world
Look what you've done
What about all the sex
That you pledged was only mine...
What about flowers and meals
Is there a time
What about all the dreams
That you said was yours and mine...
Did you ever stop to notice
All the men dead from whores
Did you ever stop to notice
The lying sluts, the cheating whores!?

Aaaaaaaaaaah Aaaaaaaaaaah

I used to have wet dreams
I used to glance under your skirt
Now I don't know where you’ve been
For all I know, you’ve got herpes

Aaaaaaaaaaah Aaaaaaaaaaaah
Aaaaaaaaaaah Aaaaaaaaaaaah

Hey, what about yesterday
(Forget about hoes)
What about the gifts
(Forget about hoes)
The heavens are falling down
(Forget about hoes)
I can't even breathe
(Forget about hoes)
What about the notes I made
(Forget about hoes)
Can't you feel my wound
(Forget about hoes)
What about self worth
(ooo,ooo)
It's your own loss
(Forget about hoes)
What about my big schlong
(What about it)
That has turned kingdoms to dust
(Forget about hoes)
Well, you look like an elephant
(Forget about hoes)
Yes, I’ve lost trust
(Forget about hoes)
You ride the short bus
(Forget about hoes)
I think you have crabs
(Forget about hoes)
What about my bacon sammich bish
(ooo, ooo)
Burnt despite my pleas
(Forget about hoes)
What about your ‘holy land’
(What about it)
Now it’s torn apart by 5 dicks
(Forget about hoes)
What about the other man
(Forget about hoes)
Can't we set him on fire
(Forget about hoes)
What about your dignity dying
(Forget about hoes)
Can't you hear them cry
(Forget about hoes)
Where did your parents go wrong
(ooo, ooo)
Someone tell me why
(Forget about hoes)
What about boobies
(Forget about hoes)
What about the lays
(Forget about hoes)
What about all their joy
(Forget about hoes)
Fuck it, I ain’t turning gay
(Forget about hoes)
Your face is a moon crater
(Forget about hoes)
Oh, look e-bay sent my inflatable doll
(Forget about hoes)
What about your death
(ooo, ooo)
Like I give a damn

I'm A Little Alco

2010-04-24T22:16:00.004+08:00

"I'm A Little Alco" by Teh Moose
Originally "I'm A Little Teapot" by Pedo Crackhead.

I'm a little alco
Hand me my stout
Here is my belly
Here is my mouth
When I get all thirsty
Hear me shout
Tip the bottle over and pour it all out

I'm a very special drunkard
It's so, so true
Here's an example of what I can do
I can make my voice suddenly sound like Elvis
A little more drinks, and I’ll be dry humping your pelvis

I'm a little alco
Beers and stouts
Here is some money
Now hand me my stout!
When I get all drunk and high
I just shout
Tip me over and watch puke pour out

I'm a very special drinker
It's fucking true
Here's an example of what I can do
I can turn my bottle into a flute
But when I sometimes get too high, I think my phlegm is glue.

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND GUYS!

Kids and Porn

2010-04-21T20:22:00.006+08:00

You know, I've decided that I'm gonna start posting random thoughts here.
LOOK! TITS!
How's that for starters?!

Anyhoe, work has been fun, but extremely draining, hence my sudden absence. I know, I know. Rumors have emerged that I ran off to the jungles of Sabah while shrieking Moose mating calls secretly hoping of finding that one true love. Those rumors were partially true. Only, replace mating calls with 'tranquilizer.' Yes, but due to work, I can't really mass produce blog posts like I used to. NO! Don't cut your wrists just yet (I take pride in pretending that I have hardcore followers here)

So, anyway. I was thinking... You guys watch Japanese porn, don't ya? Of course you do.
Well, don't.
I find it to be one of the most annoying types of adult entertainment out there.
Sure, Maria Ozawa and Rio are freakishly hot, but... seriously. Maria sounds like a puppy getting sodomized with a 9 inch cucumber and Rio... she's just plain hot, but that whole 'kawaii' act. That shit for real? I mean... is that really how they talk? With that squeaky, 'anime' like voice, with those weird pouts and... WHY DO THEY CENSOR JAP PORN?!
It's not like the guys have a fuckin 7 inch Johnson anyways. All you need is one tiny pixel, and you're done. But nooooo, they gotta chuck a whole big pixelated square covering everything.

And you know what? Kids these days are so fucking spoilt. Back then, we used to get our fix by watching... sigh.. still images. YES! Admit it! Unless you had an elder brother who hid his porn CD stash of 'Saving Ryan's Privates' and 'Luke Thighwalker' unsuccessfully, or you had parents who were in the 'experimenting' stage and were so certain that their doors had been built sound proof by Uncle Lim the contractor... Otherwise, you TOO secretly crept up to the PC strategically placed in the middle of the hall by your parents, used a pillow as a silencer for that stupid loud-ass Jaring connection and enjoyed an hour or two of nice, still images of naked women. But no.... kids these days have MTV, they have YouTube, they have a long list of streaming porn sites, they have torrents... I hate kids.

I walk into Toys "R" Us now, and I go "WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T THEY HAVE THAT WHEN I WAS A KID!??" ... Walkin around, head buried in their damn PSPs, spending the evenings at home watching Ben 10... Damn kids.

And you know what? Christina Hendricks is inhumanely hot.

I mean, look at those... eyes.

"Air" Supply

2010-03-15T14:28:00.008+08:00

Been a while since I wrote a song parody, so here goes.
This one's originally Air Supply's 'All Out of Love'

I present to you, Moose's 'All Out of Herbs'
(If you know how the song goes, it'll make more sense. Sing it with me now)

I'm sitting alone with my mouth on my bong
Smoking you till it hurts
I know you hurt too but what else can we do
Tormented and torn apart
I wish I could carry your leaves on my lawn
For times when my bank account’s empty
You would make me believe that unicorns were real
But your leaves don’t grow, doesn't really grow

Chorus:
I 'm all out of herbs, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I 'm all out of herbs, I’m sober without you
I can't be too late to say that I should get a new bong

I want you to come back and get me stoned
Away from this stupid ‘yam cha’ nights
I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too
Those fucking lights look so bright, oh so bright
And what would you say if I bought you now
And said that I stopped smoking,
There's no easy way, it gets harder each day
Please love me and get me stoned, I'll be stoned

Chorus

Oh, what are you smoking there?
Is that a doobie? Do share.
Oh, what are you smoking son?
You look zonked to me, mon.

Pass me that wacky tobacky dammit!

Chorus (33565x)

Wait… how do the lyrics go again?

It's Time, It's Idol Time

2010-03-01T21:29:00.007+08:00

Photo Courtesy of Fox

Ah, so it's that time again where chicks go crazy, and dudes go crazier having to sit down, put on a fake smile and go through the sometimes painful episodes of American Idol with their jumping, shrieking and often drooling partners.
Hey, I was a fan at one point, but then it started turning into a popularity contest - based on looks mostly, and from that point onwards, I started watching other more interesting programs like porn and Sesame Street.

Anyway, I was channel surfing and when I stopped on StarWorld, American Idol was going on. It was the 12 female finalists or something, so hey, I lingered on the channel. Then suddenly came on this girl and sang one of my all time favorite songs - Wicked Game by Chris Isaak.
And she actually pulled it off! I loved it!

Did a little research and found out her name's Siobhan Magnus. Whoa, what!?
That's a pretty darn cool name right there! She's only 19, loves horror movies, has a nose piercing (always a plus point for me) and loves blowing.. Glass. She's a glassblowing apprentice.

Fox Photo

So I guess she's got my vote for now. I haven't actually seen any of the others perform.
Here's a video... no cancel that. Here's an 'audio' clip of her singing Wicked Game. (Damn, both her pics and videos are so hard to get a hold of. Must be some new copyright thing.)

Top 10 Female Athletes

2010-02-08T21:00:00.027+08:00

Men usually watch sports for many reasons. Some include;

- Pride
- Adrenaline
- Homosexuality
- An excuse to drink
- Loyalty
- Wife nagging repellent
- Money

And then, there are the women. Putting aside the William sisters, we actually have some very hot athletes around. Here's the Moose's top 10 pick of (natural) female athletes!

Name: Ashley Force
Age: 27
Sport: Funny Car Drag Racing

Funny Car

Stupid Car... See the difference?

Name: Lokelani McMichael
Age: 33 (Oh...)
Sport: Triathlon and Surfing

Note: Her real name is Lokelanikuu'leimakamae. Try pronouncing THAT in bed.

Name: Milene Domingues
Age: 30 (Okay... I swear. They look young..er!)
Sport: Football

Note: She's Ronaldo's first ex-wife

Names: Bia and Branca
Age: 20 years old
Sport: Synchronized swimming and... synchronized who knows what else.

Gotta love 'em twins!!! Especially if they're Brazilian.

Name: Heather Mitts
Age: 31 (I'm not weird, I swear!)
Sport: Football

Name: Ana Paula Mancino
Age: 39... (Well, fuck you! You wouldn't have guessed neither.)
Sport: Volleyball

Note: Judge me if you will, I'd do a 39 year old who looks like her any day!

Name: Anna Kournikova
Age: 28
Sport: Tennis

Note: In my honest opinion, I think her looks are overrated. I also think Enrique Iglesias is gay.

Teh Mooses's Top Three Picks

Name: Tanith Belbin
Age: 25
Sport: Ice-dancer

Doesn't the very sport portray delicate movements, grace and... more importantly... Flexibility?

Figure Skating: Let your imagination run wild.

Name: Stacy Keibler
Age: 30
Sport: Wrestling

Yes, her wrestling days may be over. And wrestling may not even be considered a sport by some. But you gotta admit, she's got great athleticism. And an even greater set of legs!

And now... for Teh Moose's numero uno female athlete!
Put your hands... no. Come to think of it. Leave your hands where I can see 'em. For I present to you...

ALLISON STOKKE!

Yes, folks. This 21 year old from California has the perfect body, abs, face, a nice athletic body. And she simply LOVES poles. I mean it. She plays pole vaulting and in her spare time she enjoys... yep. Pole dancing! Interesting... That really narrows down the remaining pole-related sports.

And there you have it. Teh Moose's top pick. Now it's your time to place a vote on who you feel deserves the title.

Teh Moose's Guide to Macau

2010-02-05T12:26:00.008+08:00

When the Moose last left his readers, (once again, their existence is questionable, just like Akon’s singing ‘talent’) it was with a picture of Maria Ozawa, possibly one of the hottest Japanese AV stars around. Then again, my porn knowledge is limited to only the likes of her, Kayden Kross and Kaylani Lei, so what would I know? Back to the story, after my whole porn-escapade thanks to the super fast Internet (and super expensive) at the hotel, the next day saw a full scale conquering of Macau’s touristy attractions like:

The Macau Museum

Like most museums world wide, this one filled my nostrils with dust, filled my eyes with the view of insignificant historical items and clouded my mind with palpable boredom. Now for the educational part: What started off as an effective defence against the Dutch robot army back in the 17th century, this Jesuits built fortress went through a range of transformations – from the official residence of the Governor of Macau to a brothel in 87’, a jalapeno factory in 92 and now finally, it functions as the Macau Museum. Inside this half a storey building, the development of Macau in terms of culture, religion, whores, commercial activities, art and tradition among others is displayed through artefacts and other objects of great historical value like the Bronze Dildo of Lust. Located in the Mount Fortress that sits on the lap of the Mount Hill, a step outside of the Macau Museum is all it takes to enjoy a panoramic view of the Ruins of St. Paul’s, find out where most of the ladies are gathered and heck, to find Waldo even.

Guests are even allowed to have a feel at the mere price of $25 and a widened anus

Macau Tower

Since everything in Macau is related to sex somehow, the Macau Tower aka Huge Penis aka Dildo Tower, is another huge attraction. Opened on 19th December 2001, the Macau Tower is the 10th tallest tower in the world and second longest artificial penis in the universe after Michael Jackson. It offers much more than just its delicious buffet at a 360° cafe and an opportunity to bungee down 338 metres while your life flashes you by. For one, you can calmly watch people wet their pants while trying to impress their date by leaping off the tower as you calmly enjoy a magnificent view of all of Macau and much of the Pearl River Delta from the observation deck. Don’t have a date? Put that electric shaver down, cause’ at the Tower, not only do you get over priced souvenirs being sold, but women too. What better place to get laid than in a giant penis? Visitors also have the chance to walk around the outside of the tower on the “Skywalk” while passing reassuring signs which say things like “Why live on the edge when you can jump off?” And remember to look for innocent teddy bears hung by their hind legs from the ceiling along the Skywalk. This is believed to appease the spirit of Splatdownwee, the God of Bungee Jumping and everything related to heights and suicide. Another cool aspect of the Macau Tower is its see-through glass floor, allowing you to see thousands of feet directly underneath you and at the same time encourages prayer recitals. Yes, the Macau Tower does indeed offer a relaxing escapade for people of all ages, gender and self-esteem conditions.

Lord Splatdownwee will be pleased at this week's offering.

Senado Square

Ahh, the place I frequented the most. It has this open-air mall concept, with boutiques, shops, street food, street hookers, pork, sliced pork, pork jerky, gold shops, traditional pharmacies and sundry shops selling cheap booze. This square with its distinctive wave-patterned stone mosaic pavement has been the centre of Macau since dinosaurs roamed the island, and besides the whole ‘open-air’ mall concept also hosts several public events, festivities and orgies. Brightly lit up buildings from he 19th and 20th century, an elegant fountain, dog poo, trees, benches and many more features draw the Macanese and tourists alike day after day to Senado Square. What makes this place unique is its perfect blend of old and new – with old colonial buildings inhabited by names such as Giordano, Nine West and other international and local designer brands and old rich men with names like Uncle Chan walking proudly beside their 19 year old ‘girlfriends’ with names like Cherry or Mimi. Taking a stroll around Senado Square, don’t be surprised to stumble across seemingly misplaced landmarks like the St. Dominic’s Church, Holy House of Mercy and the ‘Leal Senado’ Building. Back in 1876, aliens aware of the high levels of drunkards in Macau thought it would be a fun practical joke to chuck colonial buildings in the middle of nowhere and watch their reactions. What initially was intended as a joke actually became serious when drunks saw this as a ‘sign’ and abruptly stopped getting shit faced. Since then, Macau has turned to gambling and women as a source of income.

"Ahaha! That one just soiled himself, Bob!"

Nightlife

I intentionally left this for last – the amazing nightlife of Macau. Bars, pubs, clubs, karaoke lounges, casinos and restaurants are merely a friction of what Macau has to offer once the sun decides to call it a day. Yes, a friction cause’ then there are the Spas, Saunas, ‘Happy Massage’ joints, strip bars, table top bars, live sex shows, kittens, and other ‘hump and dump’ joints. For those seeking bars and pubs, stroll along Avenida Sun Yat Sen for great music, drinks and Latino D-cups while enjoying the view of boats gliding by on the Pearl River and breasts occasionally popping out for some fresh air. As for the casinos, all you need to do is close your eyes, randomly point in any direction and you have your casino picked for the night along with a prostitute. Nearly every hotel has a casino inside, and each casino has a fine supply of chips and tits.

In these hard times, kittens have turned to prostitution as a source of income

Some Examples

Hard Rock Hotel Macau in the City of Dreams would make music enthusiasts wet themselves in excitement with all the Rock memorabilia on the walls. Then you have the option of visiting the open air Wave Pool Bar & Grill and for a truly unforgettable experience – head on over to The Bubble, a free 10-minute fantastic 3D blowjob experience with explosive visuals, orgasms and incredible sound. The famous Grand Lisboa catches the eye from miles away with its flashy neon lights and tall, dominant figure. Oh wait… it could’ve been those girls outside with their flashy neon bras, lighted up panties and with their tall and dominant figure. It gets confusing at times. Just as impressive on the inside, Grand Lisboa offers 431 ultra luxurious rooms, a gaming area that spreads over four floors, a bar in which guests can sit back, relax, have a couple of drinks while drooling over the Crazy Paris Show or even catch some Japanese artistic dancers performing for Tokyo Nights, with new shows every month. (This will be left out intentionally for the next post) What truly makes an unforgettable night in Macau is walking around aimlessly, really. Try walking into any random club/casino/hotel with an open mind and your fly down, and believe you me, the surprises are endless. Think of Macau as a place that never sleeps and in turn, makes you want to disregard the very thought of climbing into bed for even a few hours of shuteye and instead, sleep with everyone. There is just simply too much to see and do and hump in Macau, be it night or day, rain or shine, Chinese or European.

Cirque de Soleil - When you can't get a real job, join the circus.

The 'artistic' dancers moments before the visual display of the female anatomy. Bring your kids!

Macau, finally!

2010-01-13T10:50:00.005+08:00

I reached the hotel at about 6.15 pm and as welcoming and cruelly tempting as my bed was, I had to resist the urge and quickly head back to the lobby and meet the rest of my travel companions for dinner. Sofitel at Pointe 16 was a blessing in many ways – putting aside their ‘luxury hotel’ status, beds that bring out the laziness in you, Russian pole dancers and amazing buffet selection for breakfast, (Hah! Bacon, pork sausages, pancakes etc.) it was more importantly walking distance from well… almost anywhere.

For dinner, we walked for about ten minutes to a place called ‘Restaurante Escada’, renown for their Portuguese cuisine. There it lay, looking cosy and inviting by an alley with hospitable waitresses ushering us in. What followed was an ecstatic dinner experience comprising of crabs, squid, king prawns, mussels and other sea-dwelling goodies. All were washed down by the famous Portuguese Sangria, and just as I couldn’t imagine stuffing anything else down our throats came dessert. Not before me walking outside to the restaurant’s balcony, peeping down to see three hot Macanese women having an innocent gossip session on a bench. Three girls, alone, on a bench, in a deserted lane. Yes, Macau was proving to be an excellent destination choice indeed. Next, I notice some movement in the alley below me and I see a couple eating each others faces out down there, and I thought to myself, ‘Heyyy! Free show!’ I wasn’t ready for dessert yet anyway. Eventually it got too disgusting even for my liking and I headed back into the restaurant.

Resisting the selection of custards, creams and cakes proved to be near impossible, so I indulged relentlessly in them and proceeded with a walking tour of Senado Square. A place which I just could not get enough of what with its dazzling lights, fountains, open-air mall concept, boutique-filled alleys and lots and lots of good, street food! Which in my dictionary, directly translates to PORK!

Picture this, a lane full of pork, cooked in every style possible from spicy to honey, from roasted to grilled and as you pass by each shop, they grab a scissors – I may have flinched for the first few times, and they cut off a slice and let you try some of their proudly made pork slices. After 7 shops, I had to reluctantly refuse their generous offerings due to time constraints, my bloated tummy and the possible risk of Senado Square running out of pork.

Each lane or alley has its name imprinted on the wall in Cantonese and Portuguese. That added to the whole colonial feel of the place and also made me realise the possibility of people getting lost in that maze of pork, boutiques and gold shops rather often. After what had already been a massive meal, I ate more. This time it was some form of Tau Foo Fa like thing, only instead of soy, milk was the active ingredient – a must try for all you lactose intolerant people out there. You get to choose between toppings of ginger, red bean and well, I don’t read nor speak Cantonese, so just go do your research, will ya? There were LOADS to choose from.

After I pigged out (an activity that I took part in almost everyday while I was in Macau), me and the three other Malaysian media fellas and the MGTO rep headed back to the hotel. Ah, at long last. I couldn’t wait to sink in that comfy, king-sized bed, switch on that flat-screen LCD and get some rest. It was the first night, and I knew if I were to survive the following day’s agenda which involved touring around Macau, I could not afford to allow my male hormones to take over. So I took a quick peek at the dancers in the hotel’s bar for a while, made a mental note on what time they performed daily, did a silent prayer thanking Sanders, checked out what games the casino there had to offer then called it a night.

Not before doing what most healthy males out there practise in an almost ritualistic like manner - watch a little Maria Ozawa getting it on in a bathroom. Thank you Eskimotube! What? She IS superbly hot. Ah, don’t you gimme that look! Really… Don’t. Read on to find out why. (evil grin)

Oh no, he didn't! Oh yes, I did!

Teh Airport

2009-12-23T10:32:00.013+08:00

After returning from my BMW Efficient Dynamics trip, which in short involved me flying down to Kuala Terengganu, spending the night at Ri-Yaz, driving the 320d to Port Dickson, spending the night at Thistle, driving the 520d to Penang, getting a massage and flying back to KL. After which, I fell horribly ill after a very, very long time. It could’ve been all that travelling, or the excessive amounts of champagne, whiskey, beers, cheese and meat drenched in grease. Either way, I came back ass-faced, and had a week to recover before my Macau trip. I spent my sickly days staying in bed and finishing up all 5 seasons of Supernatural. Eventually the day of the trip came and while I wasn’t fully recovered, I had no intentions on letting this trip pass me by! It was Macau for Sander’s sake!

Macau… From what I gathered, it was seemingly the Las Vegas of Asia, a place that was synonymous with casinos, gambling and other family attractions like strip bars, saunas, table top dancers and live shows… and that was pretty much it, really. I’m not one to lay judgements before the actual experience itself, so on I headed to Macau with the best set of mind frame any first-time traveller should possess – an open one. Along with what anyone travelling to Macau should bring along – shit loads of cash. It IS sin city, trust me.

If you don't get laid in Macau, drown yourself here

I called up a cab and made the necessary arrangements. The flight according to the Macau Government Tourism Office (MGTO) representative was at 1.30 p.m, so I left my house at around 11.15 or so. Unless I was travelling the Flintstone way or using my pet cow Jerky as a mode of transport, I knew there was ample time for me to reach, grab a coffee or something, check-in and board the plane. I was wrong. The cab came on time, sure. I reached the airport at 12, and I called the MGTO rep and was told to proceed to counter R35. There I was melting in my jacket, carrying a laptop and hand luggage while pulling a heavy bag behind me, looking for a non-existent check-in counter. I passed row A, B… all the way to J and that’s where it ended. Suddenly a dreadful wave of realisation hit me… I shakily searched for the sheet of paper containing my flight info and to my horror discovered I just had a _________ (insert Bimbo name. E.g. Paris Hilton) moment.

I named my pet Zebra, 'spot'

I was in the wrong fuckin’ airport. I was supposed to be in LCCT… I rushed three floors down, paid over 40 bucks for a cab and rushed over there. I reached at about 12.20 and as I reached the REAL counter… it was closed. Or there was a midget working behind there. The latter proved fictional. It really was closed. Finally someone saw me and came over.

Dude: “Where do you want to go sir?”
Me: “I’m here for the Macau flight at 1.30…”
Dude: “1.30? Uh… there is no flight at 1.30 sir. The flight is at 1 p.m.”
Me: (looks at the itinerary followed by shrinking of testicles)
Me: “Can I check in?”
Dude: (looks at watch)
Dude: “I’m sorry sir. You’ll have to go to the service counter at the end of this row.”
Me: (runs to the service counter in an almost Hindi-movie like scene)

There, I see this half-assed looking dude behind the counter, taking his sweet time, being the stereotypical local while there I stood, hungry, sweaty, and with my bladder being an ass of all times. Luckily there was this lady standing in front of me and I used my Moose charm on her, so she happily allowed me to go before her. In return for the favour, she gave me her number and address. No, I kid. She was old. But nice. No! Not nice physically, I mean… Moving on.
I reached the counter, and I was given a cock stare…

“You baru sampai?”
“Uh no. I was actually here at 10 a.m., but I thought I’d wait till the utmost last minute before checking in cause cheap thrills like those make my day,” was what I would’ve said if I had time… or if he’d actually understand that. So, instead I gave him a blatant “yea…” and I was told that I could no longer check in my huge ass of a bag.

He gave me the boarding pass and I ran like a… thing that runs fast… to Gate 11. I was panting, sweating and it was fuckin’ 12.43! That hoe that specialises in making the lives of latecomers like me was already announcing that passengers had to board the plane. Or else… She didn’t exactly add that part, but I was paranoid. To make matters worse, for the luggage check-in, I had a bunch of Indonesians in front of me. Yipee… That meant EXTRA thorough bag invading by the security officers, which meant more time wasted. They had bottles filled with weird pills, tubes and all that. I was panicking cause I too had lubes… I mean, some after-shave in tubes and whatnot in my bag. But heyyy, whaddya know? I wasn’t stopped! I continued my running to Gate 11, where that hoe was still with the “last call” crap. But you know what? I was there! I had effin’ made it!

*bag snaps* Okay… I was ALMOST there. Why of all times, must my feckin’ heavy, prehistoric luggage give way now?! Oh, cause it’s prehistoric that’s why. Thanks a lot for the bag, mum.
I eventually make my way on the plane, sweating, smelling and hungry as fuck! For three hours I had to endure my own bodily stench and the dude beside me either:

a.) passed out from it
b.) was really tired
c.) wanted the journey to end quick

But I didn’t give a rat’s ass. I made it! I was going to Macau, baybeh! And oh by the way, after all that rushing… the plane was delayed anyway. Why? Cause’ there were two more passengers who were late, and who did not take part in the airport triathlon like I did. Asswipes…

Forewarned about the harsh cold weather conditions during November, I arrived at the Macau International Airport prepared with jackets, sweaters and all those other forms of clothing that I usually wouldn’t be seen in unless you paid me lots of money. As I was checking in the Macau International Airport, I hand this lady my passport, all smiles, being all cheerful cause I was in a new place, doing my very best to shine with my ‘happy-tourist’ vibes… but she changed that. I handed her my passport, and see, the picture of me in my passport was that of me back when I had spiky hair. She looked up at me, grinning at her stupidly… and she pointed at the passport and said “Hair ah?” No, you slit-eyed hoe. That’s a porcupine. After much hair modelling and repositioning, she was finally convinced but not before I muttered “fuckin ridiculous” and gave her a dirty look. There, I felt better. Airports really weren’t my thing.

The weather in Macau this time around could reach 10 degrees Celsius, which from my experience could make any nipple pointy and huge noses like mine frosty. But it also made it the perfect weather to commute around Macau in what would be my favourite mode of transport – by foot. There was actually so much more to the city than just tall, flashy buildings with neon lights, flashing women and fancy lobbies and boobies. Like… more boobies, pole dancing and well, you’ll see…

Go thatta way to Grand Lisboa

Pee-tiful Pee-ple

2009-11-02T22:55:00.005+08:00

Day after day, millions of people leave their jobs (and toilets) for a serious reason... Toilet hygiene. The art of peeing INSIDE the toilet bowl is almost as hard as predicting when Christmas is every year and thus, professional help was sought. Toilet ethics expert, The Moose has now released the answer to every half-witted mongrel son of a whelp who is incapable of holding his member in his hand and aiming for the toilet bowl instead of spraying it anywhere and everywhere AROUND the toilet bowl. One would assume that only children below the age of 10 would suffer from this severe case of stupidity, but alas, adults have proven to be the majority of the culprits. Bearing that in mind, renowned author The Moose has written an exclusive book aimed at schooling and once and for all, solving this nationwide plague.

"An amazing read! Suitable for both parents AND their kids! The Moose has done it again!" - KL Times

"A best-seller! And it saved my marriage!" - ex half-witted mongrel

"You... you can do that!? This is magical! Look! No more pee stains!" - YOU

"A highly recommended read for everyone! Especially those with penises and half a brain." - Ben. T Johnson

Need you more proof?

2009-09-08T21:34:00.003+08:00

As you all so brightly know, I'm not a fan of Mc Donalds and never will be.
The next time you order a Spicy Chicken Mc Puke-lux, take a bite from the chicken patty, and look in the middle. I'm almost certain you'll see this old layer of chicken meat, in a sick yellow'ish colour.
That's right, it ain't all stringy, fresh chicken. They fresh part is just outside, inside there's some nasty shit. But heyy, who am I to say? I've only seen it like 3 or 4 times myself, and have heard of countless people complaining of 'toilet' issues the next day.

Suck on that Ronald.

Something Fishy

2009-07-30T14:49:00.005+08:00

I was reading the news (yes, again. I should really stop. It's destroying my mind) and one article was about this Beluga whale which saved a drowning woman.

Here's what the article from news.com.au read:

Yang Yun was taking part in a free-diving contest at Polar Land in Harbin, north-east China, in which participants were required to sink seven metres to the bottom of a pool and stay there for as long as possible without the aid of breathing equipment.

Ms Yun, 26, thought she was going to die amid the beluga whales she shared the arctic pool with, after struggling to move her legs while trying to kick her way to the surface.

"I began to choke and sank even lower and I thought that was it for me - I was dead,” she told The Sun.

“Until I felt this incredible force under me driving me to the surface."

That “incredible force” was Mila, a beluga whale which had noticed her distress and clamped its jaws around her leg.

Using her sensitive nose, Mila drove Ms Yun carefully to the surface, to the amazement of onlookers and an underwater photographer who captured the entire incident on film.

Yang Yun later met up with some of her fishermen homies, caught the whale and had sushi for dinner later that night.
Well, that's just what I think, but my point is, these gentle creatures mean no harm to humans in any way... Yet they are hunted, butchered, slaughtered while others are kept in captivity, taken away from their families.
That's just disheartening and inhumane if you ask me. These creatures are incapable of feeling hatred nor do they hold grudges against humans... The very same morons who kill and capture them. So, once again, humanity and its selfishness has done well to sicken me.

LEAVE THEM WHALES ALONE!!!

Right, as if this post is actually gonna make a difference and save the whales... But heck, I believe that even small steps can eventually make a difference. Sign petitions, jump in the ocean and throw a harpoon at whale hunters... anything. Join the Moose in the fight against Whale Hunting.

This public service announcement is brought to you by:

The Moose

Pathetic Beings - A Study

2009-07-28T11:28:00.016+08:00

Pardon the sudden disappearance of the Moose. What with work and all, finding the time to write on yet another platform really seems impossible if not painful. But then, I realise that heyy, half the shit I write is related to what I despise/hate/loathe. Take your pick.
And it would be so totally wrong of me to just provide no form of recognition whatsoever to these things I dislike so much, now wouldn't it?
With that being said, I now present you my latest topic of hatred - The Human Race.

Before I begin this passionate piece of work, let me say this, dissing the entire Human Race would be stupid, for indeed there exist people who actually are decent, possess the ability to think rationally and well, don't act like complete ignorant asses.
HOWEVER, these are only a minority, and the streets of Malaysia (and globally) are unfortunately flooded with mindless, incompetent droids.

For the past month or so, I've met some really strange people and being me, I do not shy away from speaking my mind.

SIMON SAYS...
First you have the predictable bunch of retards...
These people stand there, totally influenced by the media and have no personal opinion and having their own stand is something unthinkable if not taboo. They, (just like a flock of sheep following its shepherd) follow what society deems right and just by taking a look around you (yes, right now. Go on, look around you), you would almost surely find a few. What are they listening to? Oh, those very same songs the radio repeats 167693513 times a day? That's just one of many symptoms these "breed" of people have. The next, slightly more complex trait would be their reaction to any given situation... Or their response for that matter.
Ask them what they think about MJ's death? Be prepared for the very same response nearly everyone on your Facebook account used as their personal status.
Give them a magazine, watch as they skim through and almost immediately head for articles on celebrities, parties or the latest fashion. To them, knowledge on these is far more vital than reading anything that interests THEMSELVES. They need to know what other people find interesting, they need to like what others like, they need to be what others are. In the end, wave goodbye to individualism and give a warm, disgusted welcome to yet another mindless, predictable pansy. I'm not complaining however, cause they are so easily manipulated. You can read their next moves, you know how they will react and with that knowledge in hand, *tadaa* you are now the proud owner of your very own droid.

And then we have the UN-ORIGINALS..
Somewhat similar to the followers of "Simon Says..." these people have no personal characteristics. They're merely a mimicry of people they see (in real life or in the big screen) of which they label as "acceptable" in society. They rehearse jokes they either get from movies, the latest stand-up they stood up all night watching, or from another friend. Then, they go around repeating the joke, taking the credit for it and that in turn, (strangely) gives them a great sense of accomplishment. Half the things they say aren't anything they themselves come up with. They do not dress, talk, walk or act in a way they are comfortable with. Oh no, they consider doing that unacceptable and feel that by being themselves, they risk being social outcasts. Some speak with an accent (I'm sure you know of a few), some get tattoos (or in the case of girls, they get tramp stamps) that carry no personal message at all. They're just doing it cause "Hey, everyone else is doing it. I need... I MUST blend in." Little do they know, that the simple act of being themselves would get them real results.

The next bunch are rather scary... I'm gonna call them the INSECURE ONES.
Oh, where do I even begin? I'll start with the nerds. You sometimes see them in your class (if you're still in college), sitting right in front, hands raised at every question the lecturer shoots, and are usually the top-scoring students. Reputable indeed, but when they're smart YET insecure, that's when you hear of bully cases happening. You see, to these fellas sharing knowledge, helping other "not-so-book-smart" students or simply socializing with people who do not score straight A's would bring great shame to them and what they stand for. (which is usually close to nothing) Instead, they tend to stick to their own little posse, sharing notes and information among themselves, conveniently forgetting to inform their classmates about that stupid replacement class on Saturday or that assignment that was due last week. They just feel that they are of a higher social status and the very thought of being associated with the "others" is pointless. Crazy, even. And for you working bunch, you get these kind of people too. Almost similar to college nerds, these fellas try to sabotage your career, try to spread rumors or may act all friendly at first, but with not-so-noble intentions at heart. The reason may be 'cause you scare the living shit out of them and they know you will eventually go further than them, so before this happens, they do their very best to dishearten you and try to unethically rid of any competition. Regardless of it being healthy competition or not. Instead of bowing down and wanting to learn from people who are better than them, their ego gets dramatically challenged and this "I'm the shit" mentality takes over, leading to their own downfall eventually. Now that we've covered those, let's move on to insecure girls.
You usually find these ones posting a shit load of self-pics (or in a more politically correct term - camwhore pics) from every possible angle, color, effect, clothing, facial expression and location to eventually find that one or two (Okay, fine. Maybe 3) pictures in which they get the most comments saying "U look good bebz! ;)" followed by a little "whore-celebration-dance" cause someone actually checked them out. When a chance like this does not arise, they resort to other means of attention seeking, may it be intolerable levels of flirting, fishing for compliments or the most common case, cheating. It may be with an ex, a guy who "is only a close friend" and all that. Ah, what a load of crap. We all know these people are stored there for a reason. When that little pimple pops up, or all that gobbling of Mc Donalds takes its toll and a few extra pounds come visit, the insecurity strikes back. The solution? Attention from other guys which would feed their pitiful low self-esteem and put the fake impression that they actually "still got game" and found to be desirable by others. Good Lord, you see how dependant they are on others to feel secure and confident? That's the insecure ones for you.

Next, comes my favorite breed to abuse... the BLONDES.
Words fail me at describing just how annoying these ones are. Sure, you have some not-so-bright people around, that's acceptable and all that. BUT!!! When these exact same ones attempt (and fail miserably) at sounding/acting smart, that's when they should be shown no mercy. At all! They may sound full of confidence, have this "I'm-so-right" tone of voice but what comes out of their mouths totally begs to differ. My favorite solution is to just shoot 'em down and make them realize how truly stupid they are. It's simple. This breed needs no further elaboration. (Or maybe I'm just saying that cause this had turned up to be one LOOONG ass post and I probably lost your attention at the third paragraph.)

Up next, a little mixture of the UNORIGINALS and INSECURE ONES... the FAKES!
At this point of your life, you should already be able to differentiate your TRUE friends and those who simply want to use you to fulfill their own selfish needs. They may smile, act all cheerful infront of you, yet sooner or later you find out this very same person you shared your Kit Kat with is bitching 'bout you behind your back. Yes, gutless I know. They all are. But it is who they are, and there is no helping it. What you need to do, is pinpoint these ones, and give them a dose of their own medicine. Play along to their little scheme (oh yes, they think you know nothing of it) and when the opportunity arises... WHAM! Verbally, physically, virtually (it's your choice. I tend to go with all three) assault them. Being used results in abuse. I belive in the mirror theory - do to others 50 fuckin' times worse as to what they have done to you. Mercy shouldn't even exist in your dictionary when it comes to the Fakes. A sneaky bunch indeed, hard to catch in short periods of time BUT once they give a hint of fakeness, you'll appreciate vengeance more than ever.

And lastly, you have...
THE KIDS
For some weird reason, probably due to nuclear waste, people in the bodies of 'adults' have sickeningly child-like behavior too. Despite having a stable income, owning their own car or hey, maybe even a house... Their mind is frozen at the mindset of a 15 year old.
They have the dumbest conversations, come up with the lamest jokes, get uptight over the smallest things and are commonly pretentious. Getting on their nerve does not prove to be a challenge, so you should use this to your full advantage.

AND THEN WE HAVE THE JEWS!

YOU can do your part in curbing this problem of inferior beings by:

i.) Telling them off in the most sarcastic way possible. (my personal choice of mentally torturing them) Just be brutally honest and voice out what other 'nice' people consider being too "mean" and "heartless". It may be their only chance at realizing who/what they are and by some strange miracle... change.

ii.) Come up with a pop/R&B song (they tend to favor these genres of music) so annoying, their puny brains melt. Then again, aren't they all already annoying?

iii.) Get a friend of yours with STDs (I personally would laugh my ass off at my friend if he DID have STDs,, Captain Herpes! aHAHAaha. Sabertooth crotch crickets! Ahaha! Cough..) to sleep with one of the INSECURE ones. Doing so will unleash a slew of sexually transmitted diseases (if you paid attention, you'll know INSECURE ones sleep around) and they'll all eventually perish. OR you could also present these hoes with a Scout Cap and a picture of you tea-bagging her sister. Why a Scout Cap you ask? The very same reason polar bears wear sunglasses in Coke ads. That's why.

iv.) Tell these people that an Akon concert is taking place, then rent a tank and run over all of them (including Akon) once they're at the concert singing along to.... How am I supposed to know his songs? You frickin' crazy?

I certainly hope this post made up for the Moose's one month of absence. As long as there's something to hate, I shall continue posting and before I end the post, I present to you, my non-existent readers, a poem...

Roses are blue,
Violets are red,
Fuck all those people above,
If you're one, then fuck you too.
I mean seriously, they're a bunch of retards.

Share your success stories with destroying these morons, voice out your opinion on these people or simply present me with your illogical arguments and pointing out of my grammatical mistakes.

With much hate,
- Moose -

I know what I want this Christmas...

2009-06-01T13:23:00.010+08:00

Here I am, digesting my roasted pork and rice meal, and I stumble upon something that just made my stomach rumble in hunger.

We are all aware of my passion for Pork, Beer and Pork.

Now, I've travelled the land far and wide, searching for the best Pork dishes around. I've discovered some awesome places, and one more I pledge to visit is "Kristang". As the name suggests, it's a Portuguese restaurant/pub which has amazing pork burgers (so other pork lovers say) with bacon and whatnot in it.

But today, I realize that my appetite for pork can only be fulfilled by one and only one type of pig... the giant Feral pig.

In the words of our departed Steve Irwin... "Crikey! Would you look at the size on that one!?"

In the words of our beloved Fat Bastard... "I want my baby back, baby back, baby back riiiibsss!"

In the words of.... Ah, to Hell with it. No one can describe the beauty of this pig. It could last me a whole 3 days!

Ack... Billy Bob the Hillbilly beat me to it. Never even offered to share, that cunt. Now, I am gonna make sure that one day before my passing, I WILL EAT JOO DAMN FAT PIG!!

Oh, by the way, the pig in the picture above was spotted eating a dead cow...

"The source said the 220kg beast was eating a cow when it was first seen by workers mustering cattle in a helicopter." (News.au)

While we're on the topic of porky fantasies (soon to be reality!), here's another pig I'd wanna eat.

Oh wait... you know what? Here's a better idea, I'd force Porky Pig (I think he'd do it voluntarily though) to mate with Ms. Piggy (from the Muppet show... for you cave dwellers) in a movie.. Maybe a movie like "Plump Fiction".. let them have little piglets.... and THEN I eat them... And then I decide to eat Porky Pig too... and all of a sudden, I start screaming "As they say, there's no better pig than one with a wig" and I gobble Miss Piggy up (while listening to March of the Pigs on my iPod). But not after duelling with her ex husband, Kermit. So, I end up killing Kermit too and since I don't eat frogs, I donate his remains to a Chinese Restaurant. In return for my kindness, Madam Su Lee gives me more pork and the Humper lives happily ever after. What an ending.

Ack! Must have Porkkk!

We're gonna have to lie...

2009-05-27T22:12:00.002+08:00

It is common in our society to have men labeled as the more evil one of the two sexes.
Whether a woman cheats, abuses, uses or leeches off a man, the blame most often comes back to men.
To top it off, women have all these NGOs and such to help "protect" their rights in case THEY get abused physically or very recently... emotionally.
Yesh, very soon, it may be an offense for calling your wife ugly...

"Calling your wife ugly to humiliate her may soon be considered an offense under proposed amendments to the Domestic Violence Act 1994." (Star online, May 28th)

The aim of this "very-much-needed" Act? To safeguard these poor helpless, innocent, loyal women from emotional and physical abuse.

I mean, half the women out there do indeed suffer from low self-esteem and insecurity (that explains a lot of their actions ay?) and that leads them to doing things that most of the times, seem sad to others. But nah, now these poor creatures need a proper regulation to help maintain their already fragile emotional state.

What next? An act that disallows criticism of your wife's cooking? An act to make sure that she receives gifts worth RM 2500 or more for her birthday? Nigga prease...
As if the media hasn't done enough to scrape off whatever innocence and individualism they have left in them.

Women aren't always the victims. What happened to this "gender equality" everyone demands for? Why can't there be an act which makes it an offense if your wife says "You have such a huge belly?" or worse... "Stop drinking!"

Idol Stays Straight

2009-05-22T11:50:00.002+08:00

If you didn't catch the LIVE finale of American Idol (and missed the replay too), countless Facebook statuses surely must have already given it away. Yes, thank the Lord for people fond of stating the obvious on Facebook.

It came as a shock to many, a relief to some, and well, personally, some just didn't give a rat's ass. So, the judge's personal favorite, Adam Lambert actually wasn't crowned the new American Idol. After everyone, including Jimmy Kimmel, Simon Cowell and a whole other bunch of people expressed their confidence in Adam bagging the title, the not-so-worshiped Kris Allen is the new American Idol. What does this say? I'm guessing not many people were keen on a non-straight guy winning it and maybe the fact that majority of the voters are tween girls could have been the cause too.

Yipee-Ka-Yay. What does Kris Allen winning possibly mean? Well, it means more typical yawn-along songs VERY VERY much similar to that of David Cook or Daughtry. Yeap, if Adam had won, we could've expected something a whole lot more different. Adam was a pioneer, he could take any song and "pimp" the Hell out of it and still make it sound originally awesome.

I'm definitely not looking forward to his album, and heck, I've actually never been a fan of any single idol contestant. But this year, that changed when Adam took the stage. I'd have to call it the most interesting American Idol season so far. Oh well, he's bound to come up with an album anyway, so there's something to look forward to.

FUCK THIS SHIT!!!!

2009-05-07T13:19:00.003+08:00

Seriously! Did any of you watch the damn match? Let us first take a look a few weeks back, at the so-called "domination" of Barcelona. They trashed Bayern, Real Madrid and seemed to be on a winning... or trashing streak rather. Heck, I was freaked out upon knowing we were gonna face them in the semis.
Then, Chelsea went in ultra-defensive mode and held Barcelona at a draw... at home! Glorious moment for the Blues. Last night saw the next "date" between Chelsea and Barcelona at Stamford Bridge.
Even with a spectacular goal by Essien, that actually held us strong till the 90th minute... the 4 min stoppage time saw Iniesta equalizing. Fine, shit happens. That, I can accept.
What pisses the fuck out of me was the ref's blonde-like decisions. Or as we Malaysians would call, "Referee KAYUUUU".
Two penalties were ignored in the first half, and during the second half, a hand ball which happened right under his nose was also waved away. Fuckin' rigged if you ask me... or any fucking person at all, come to think of it. So, yeah, go scream "BARCAAAAAA" and jump around like a bunch of wounded ducks. If I were a Barca fan, I would be embarrassed. Chelsea deserved the fucking win... and in my eyes, they have classified as legends for this year's Champion's League. UEFA on the other hand, had other plans obviously... One which wants to avoid another all English final.

I couldn't be fucked about the finals no more, what with refreeing such as this one, by our dear Ovrebo.
Here's the video of Drogba losing it.. For good reason.

Whether you're a Chelsea fan or not, I bet you too realize just how pathetic Ovrebo was. Chelsea was the better team, and if it takes the teamwork of UEFA officials and the referee to bring down the Blues, then I laugh at their desperation and fear.

CHELSEA FOR LIFE!!!

Rock Week

2009-05-07T01:33:00.008+08:00

There was no chance in Hell I was gonna miss American Idol's Rock Week.
Slash was the guest talent, giving them hints and advise on just how to rock the stage... But all the while, I was just sitting there, hoping that someone would play a Led Zeppelin song.
I mean, common, it's Rock week for fuck's sake! What's Rock without Led Zep?
Well, true enough, I heard the intro for Whole Lotta Love, and then... that gay Adam Lambert walks in. As tempted as I was to look away, I just watched him perform, and despite his dick-sucking tendencies, I believe no one else could have performed that song better than Adam.

He friggin' owned it, and just like the judges, I too agree that his performance was the best of the night.

Note: I'm so glad Adam didn't sing the middle part, where Robert Plant goes into a trance and starts... Moaning? I mean... for Plant it was cool and shit. But listening to Adam do it? *shudders* I'll pass. Anyway, here's the video clip of Adam singing Whole Lotta Love, by the greatest Rock band on Earth, that ever lived, Led Zeppelin!

New Alarm System

2009-05-06T20:08:00.008+08:00

The Fluffster was reading the news when he stumbled upon one that read:

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

After a series of burglaries, owners of businesses in Split, Croatia, have put life-sized cutouts of the kung-fu action man in their windows.

An accompanying sign in each window reads, "This shop is under the protection of Chuck Norris."

There hasn't been a single burglary since. (NY Post)

This does NOT however give Humpathon readers the right to start commenting with lame-ass Chuck Norris jokes. We've heard em' all. Save it.

Elsewhere, random girl tells random Moose that she "Has just gotten her lil one circumsised"..

Random Moose says he always knew she had a penis..

Speaking of dicks...

A man who underwent penis-enlargement surgery in Russia came back to doctors a month later begging them to undo it because he was too big.

"He said no woman wants to be with him anymore," a doctor said. "If there was a surgery to enlarge brains, we would offer him a free trial." (NY Post)

And you guys wonder why I'm losing faith in humanity one moron at a time...

I told you so!

2009-04-16T17:06:00.002+08:00

The Fluffster has been saying it all this while... KFC is THE way to go. It's healthy, it's tasty and it gets you the chicks.
From Ronald's shrine of Pedo-ness and food-poisoning prone food whereas, you suffer.
I suffered food poisoning cause of the "oh-so-delicious" prosperity burger.. and now look at this video I bumped into recently. Yep, go on. Get a happy meal.

I'm heading to KFC right now.

Wave that blue flag!

2009-04-15T05:11:00.009+08:00

After a jaw-dropping can oh whoop-ass we delivered in Anfield, the Blues knew they were up for a challenge in Stamford Bridge.

And oh what chaos took place at Stamford. The first half saw Liverpool taking a 2-0 lead. Fret not we thought, through aggregate, it was now a tie.

The second half commenced.. and my state of mind? Sheer excitement!
Omg.. what a breath-taking game! I was on the edge of my seat the whole game. Quite disappointed with how Chelsea played the first half.. and freaked out even more shortly after the second half commenced. Cech was straying far from the goal post lol. But cough... even with that chance, Liverpool missed.

Besides dear old Cech who was freaking me out...(Just what was he thinking when Aurelio took that free kick!?) Mascherano was on my nerves. Rough as Hell, and Arbeloa wasn't any better, that moron.

Funny how Drogba actually passed the ball eh!? Twice! (or was it more?) The pass to Ballack was brilliant... but then again, it was Ballack. He might even miss an open goal. Rawr. What a waste...
Essien's safe during the last few mins was very, very smexy. Hail Essien!!!

All in all, a SUPERB match! Loved it! Not our best... Cech fumbled wayyyy too much. Drogba was just being Drogba.. He wasted some time towards the end, but it's all good. Diving? Nah, it was all out of challenges. Okay.. well not all. BUT He had his good moments, loved the fact that he passed.. but still. Terry's absence took its toll on our defense.. as did Gerrard's on Torres...but heyy.. shit happens.
The blues march forward!!!!

Everybody needs a bosom

2009-04-13T17:22:00.013+08:00

If you're an average male like me, there is a high probability that you, just like me and every other straight male out there, appreciate bosoms. Yesh, these magnificent, bouncy, soft... *drifts away to Booby land*..

Ah yesh, anyway! They're awesome. And they come in different shapes and sizes too.
Yesh, these beauties cater to all sorts of people... and sick fetishes.

Now, here ish the breast size chart and what it stands for.

Size A: Are they even there?
Size B: Barely there.
Size C: Can't complain!
Size D: Dayummm!
Double D: Double Dayummmmm!
Size E: Enormous
Size F: Fake
Size G: Get it reduced!
Size H: Help! I sprained my back.

Now that you know that... Get grabbing!

By the way, who would you vote for having the best boobs?

My personal favourite, (after the implants of course) the "dirrrtehh" Ms. Aguilera!

The "irreversible" Monica Belluci. Ah, yes how they bounce...

My favorite Pineapple girl, Jennifer Love Hewitt.

The absolutely pretty but not that busty, Gwen Stefani. (I added this in for the guys who are easily pleased)

For the average Joe who likes his boobs averagely sized as well, we have Jessica Biel.

Bless all teh boobies!

Is there anything that isn't slow?

2009-03-31T18:12:00.004+08:00

I flip you the bird, Streamyx. Rot in Hell. Stupid pathetic connections.

The Disappearance

2009-03-27T18:59:00.002+08:00

My fellow Humplings, I must express my sincerest apologies (or "a thousand apologies" in that thick Indian accent from Mind Your Language.. whichever wins you over) for my absence.
There was a valid reason for this though.

I was recently offered this 2 week part-time job thingy at "this optical lens company" which cannot be named for stupid reasons, and since I had nothing better to do besides filling myself up with alcohol, I took it. Plus, the pay was a reasonable sum of RM 70 per day.
Now, what I had to do was call up all the Optical outlets such as England Optical, Optical 88 bla bla bla, introduce myself, and tell them that I'm conducting a customer satisfaction survey.
After each sentence I read out, they would have to give it a rating of 1-5; 1 being extremely unsatisfied and... ah, you get it. But trust me, the people I called, simply could not follow this "complicated" rating system.

Now, the first thing I asked my supervisor prior to accepting the job was, "Are you sure they will be able to comprehend the survey script?" She was like "Oh, of coursseee! They can, they can." I wasn't convinced, but utter boredom got the best of me and I took the job.

I don't drive, so to get to that blinking office, I have to take not one, not two, but three flipping buses. As if that wasn't tiring enough... the people that I called... were complete dumb fucks. Yes, the next time you go to one of those outlets, either;

a.) Point at him and yell "Douche!" (They won't get it, trust me)
b.) Throw eggs at them OR
c.) Go in and put on your most fake English accent and ask them questions using "bombastic" words such as... "satisfaction"..

My target at the end of ten days, was to call 120 outlets. Sounds simple enough, I thought to myself. Each call was "supposedly" to only last for 15 minutes max... In an hour, I could easily finish 4, and if I were a lil' lazy, even 3 calls would be sufficient.
Guess I learnt otherwise... My first call took 18 minutes.

Me: "Hello, I'm calling from _________ and I'm CONDUCTING a customer SATISFACTION survey to help improve our services. The survey will take less than 15 mins. Would you like to PARTICIPATE in it now?"
(the words in bold, struck fear in the hearts of the workers in the outlet and are possibly the longest words they have ever had thrown at them.)

Dumb fuck client: "Uhhh... sur... sir... service ah?"

Me: "No, it's a survey. It's a set of sentences actually, then all you need to do is rate it after I'm done reading it out to you"

D.F Client: "You wan do the servings ah? You how on ah, I caww my supervisor"....

____________________________________________________________________________________________

That was one example. Then you have the morons who, after listening to such "scary" English words, use the excuse of having customers to deal with, and then hang up.
Others, pass the phone around till I get fed up and just move on to the next... pathetic optical outlet worker. Yes, I now have added them to the list of my Hate List. Congrats, and for these people, I can... and already have taken action.
The people who were particularly rude, were pleasantly put on my prank-call victim list.

Now, being one who says it as it is, sarcastic and all... Imagine how hard it was for me to resist the urge to lash out at their idiocy and utter lack of intelligence. Well, I did (if anyone from the company is reading this... i MAY have) and it felt good as Hell.

The best part was, after the second day, I couldn't take it any longer, so I told my supervisor I wanted to quit. She had no one else to rely on, (probably cause everyone else is smarter than I am, they knew better than to accept the job)... so we came to an agreement. I would work from home, make the calls using i-Talk, then claim the expenditure back.. Hey, that sounded a LOT more easier. I woke up when I wanted to (Once again, if there is anyone from that company reading it.. I actually didn't. I just want to sound cool to my readers.. Cough.), I went out, and reduced the call time from 18 fucking minutes to.. 3 minutes. Yes, I am indeed a miracle worker. I first had to rephrase, and re-rephrase the sentences, explain each line, repeat it 2 or 3 times.. but I soon developed a method, using the simplest words, and that saved a lot of time.

Imagine, some idiots found it hard to remember the rating scheme.... How hard is it to remember 1 is extremely unsatisfied, and 5 (any retard could guess.. but not these ones) simply means (once again... for emphasis... D'OH!) extremely satisfied! God damn people!

Well, just my luck. I think the 10 days stressed the fuck out of me, and as soon as the horror was over... I felt ill. And not just any common sickness... I had measles. Whoop-dee-doo!
One week I was quarantined at home, with sore throat, flu, joint aches, fever, tearing eyes... No appetite too. And for those of you who haven't seen me, I CANNOT afford to NOT have an appetite.

SO, that eventually came to an end after one week. I had the Sunburst Concert to look forward to. Korn frigging nailed it! To see them upfront, in real life... to look under Jonathan Davis's kilt (Ok, maybe not that part)... Woah, such an amazing feeling. They played most of my favourite songs too! Blind, Here to Stay, Right Now, Freak on a Leash, Coming Undone...
My hard-rock concert and mosh pit virginity was finally taken away from me. Yesh, mosh pit.
I must say, I've never been a fan of the local music scene, but Estranged is one Hell of a good band! Then there were the Indonesian bands too, like Nidji and Agrikulture.
Agrikulture's lead singer reminded me so much of Dave Grohl. He was up on stage, in his boxers, humping the stage light, climbing up a 10 feet railing and singing. Talk about entertainment!

I might upload some videos and stuff later on, cause as of now, I'm bloody lazy.
Well, that's just an update of why I've been missing. Good to be back, and free of phone calls and Measles.

Cheers!

Know your Bands

2009-02-19T21:11:00.004+08:00

There are 75 bands in this picture. See if you can identify them. List your answers in the comment section, not the chatbox.. you blondes. Great way to test all you music lovers out there. Best of luck!

Evolution of online Laughs

2009-02-08T22:53:00.007+08:00

Under normal circumstances, a human's laugh would sound something like "Ahahaha!" or "ehehehe"... So fine, till the 1980's when online, and humoured, individuals tend to use those sounds of laughter to signify that something is funny.

Then in 1990, came the "lol"... Which puzzled many. Just what was this weird language, usually used when a joke is thrown around. Through research, it was discovered that "lol" is actually an acronym for Laugh-Out-Loud.

1998: Soon, nerds all around felt the need to come up with their own version of an online method of depicting laughter. They added either a "z" or "x" after "lol". (Note: This has been mentioned is one of my early posts)

E.g: lol + x = LoLx!!!

The reason for adding the "x" or "z" remains a mystery till now, but some have said it has to do with the boost of self-esteem for nerds, actually making them feel accepted in the society and labeled as "cool". lolx!

2000: The more advanced nerds came up with longer acronyms (doesn't that contradict the whole purpose of acronyms?) for "lol" with "ROFL" which translates to "roll on the floor laughing".. An acronym commonly used for more than normal funny moments.

How to perform a "ROFL"

Soon, "ROFL" evolved into "Roflcopter" in 2001, and sightings of "roflwafflecopter" and "rofflewaffle" have been reported throughout the years.

This is an artist's impersonation of what a "ROFLCOPTER" is believed to look like.
Other nations have sent in complaints, saying that no coverage was given to their national online laugh.

Hence, I present to you, a few examples of online laughs from around the world:

Brazil: Ahueaheahehau
Philippines: Jajajajaja
Malaysia: Lolxz
England: Har Har
North Pole: Hohohoho
Iraq: ...

2008: Recently, the latest online laugh craze is a weird evolution of "lol" simply transformed to "LawL"... My research team around the globe are clueless as to what this prolonged acronym could actually mean.
My personal take is that its actually short for 'Look At Wet Lesbians". In which case, I'm definitely supporting it.

A presumed definition of "LawL"

What we can be sure of is one thing, the evolution continues, and it's just a matter of time before another new and "trendy" illogical, nonsensical acronym for online laughter comes up.
Till then, keep humping! Lawlxxx

Flacking Helll!

2009-02-05T21:06:00.009+08:00

Ack! As luck would have it, Sarah Rose Flack is out! All thanks to that Bikini blonde hoe, who decided that sleep was more important than practice.
On another note, the most annoying female award for this season goes to Tatiana, and as for the blokes... well.. okie, he isn't really a bloke.. IT's name is Nathaniel. That overly emotional, tattooed faggot who keeps crying. I was surprised that Tatiana made it, then she made it seem as if she won the friggin competition already.
"Ah thank you dear Lord Jesus, thank you cameraman, thank you sound team, thank you thank youuu!!!"

With Rose, gone I now have 4 remaining favourites. They are.... *drum roll*

don't you think that Alexis looks like Macaulay Culkin?

... what am I saying?! Alexis is sweet lookin! Damn you female lookin' Home Alone star. Junkie!

Alexis Grace!!!

Megan Corkery!

And as for the blokes...

Adam Lambert

Danny Gokey

This season looks very promising folks...!
The Moose has faith in his top four picks.

Gran Torino

2009-02-05T16:29:00.011+08:00

When news spread of Clint Eastwood's new movie, I knew I just had to watch it. Was it cause of all of his previous movies that mad it big? Was it cause he was a legendary actor? Hell no. I heard he played a racist in the movie, and that caught my interest. The last movie I watched about a racist, was Lakeview Terrace, a mothafuckin movie in which da mothafuckin Samuel L. Jackass acts in. For those of you who haven't watched it, here's a word of advise... DON"T.
So anyway, back to Gran Torino, starring Clint Eastwood, some Hmongs, a toad and its sister... OH and Daisy. The Labrador who I feel, was the best actress throughout the movie.

Now, Clint Eastwood plays the role of Walt, a Korean War veteran, who only had his wife, his Gran Torino, Daisy and his rifle as his purpose for living. He loathed everything else, his nephews and their "gadgets", his sons who are too busy living a suburban life and of course his multi-ethnic neighbourhood, where Hmongs, Latinos, Indians and Jamaicans live. You may not have seen the Jamaicans, but it's common knowledge that they're everywhere, spreading the word of Ja... and other smokey substances.
Just for the record, I bet Walt hates centipedes, raisins, pineapples, Elmo and boybands as well.

Now back to the movie... His wife passes away, and the already grumpy old man, bypasses the grumpy limit and soon, starts snarling his way back home. To his disgust, he notices a bunch of Hmongs moving in next door and he glances at them with the dirty look. *snarls*
Now, the Hmong family, (which is friggin huge, it's a wonder how they all cram up in that little house) mainly consists of Mama Hmong, Granny Hmong (who bitches bout Walt in her mother tongue constantly), Toad and Sue. Toad has a cousin living in the neighborhood, and he's all "gangstah", and one day, while Toad is being verbally harassed by a bunch of racist Latinos, the cousin and his Hmong homies step in and shoo the Latinos away. Soon, they grow an odd attachment to the kid, and constantly visit his home, asking Toad to come out and play with them. Toad declines politely, saying he has better things to do like gardening and washing the dishes, but the Hmong gangstahs are ever so persistent. Eventually, Toad agrees to play with them, and as his initiation he has to steal Walt's Gran Torino. No surprise, he gets caught and Walt's hatred towards the Hmong grows *snarls*.. The Hmong gangstahs have now grown very attached to Toad, and insist that he plays with them everyday... He says "No", they get insulted and use the mature Hmong method of dealing with the problem... They try to kidnap him. This leads to a huge Hmong family drama worthy of air by Zee TV, and all that ruckus awakens Walt. He steps out to see what happens, sees his murdered garden Gnome, gets his gun and asks the Hmongs to step off his lawn. He also said "I used to stack your people 5 feet up and use them as sandbags, and I'd gladly do the same to you"... *snarls*

The next day, the Hmong takes Walt's hostility the wrong way, and instead of staying away from him... they start worshiping him as the Toad hero. They bring him offerings of food, flowers, rat droppings and young Hmong virgins. He said "Fuck No" to everything except, yep... you guessed it. The rat droppings. Who can resist that? Common...

While all of this is going on, a clingy priest constantly visits Walt, trying to convince him to go for a confession (cause he promised Walt's wife that he would before she died), and to get him to kidnap the young Hmong boy for who knows what reason. *snarls*

So anyway, one day while Sue is walking with her Eminem-wannabe date, they get harassed by a bunch of... Argh, fine. "African Americans"... The white boi goes all "Yow dawg, it's cool bro" and shit.. which is a death wish, but he doesn't know it. The... screw it. Black dudes get all horny on that fine Asian chick and before it goes further, Walt stops his car by the side.
Steps down... Everythin's silent.. then with that typical grim, Clint Eastwood look on his face shoots a tacky line. "Ever notice how you come across somebody once in a while that you shouldn't have fucked with?" *spits* "That's me.." Then he takes out a gun, and the "dawgs" back up (why weren't they carrying a gun?) and Sue is all appreciative. Soon, Sue and Walt hit it off... In a innocent way, otherwise it would've been too gross even for me. And Walt spits out another tacky line... One which anyone would say to someone whom you first hate, and then suddenly you're ok with... "You know something kid... You're alright."
Soon, Walt gets acquainted with the Hmong family and he goes for their BBQ party, tries to hit on the grandma, but she hates his gut... And as compensation for Toad's attempt to steal Walt's car, Mama Hmong does what every mother would do and offers Toad as a slave for one week to Walt. Walt goes "Booya!" not before snarling of course, and makes the kid his beeyatch. But soon... (and who would've guessed) they start bonding, and he even finds the kid a job at a construction site. Throughout the movie, Walt throws racist names and comments like a slut who throws herself around everywhere... One of the good ones was when Walt and Toad are shopping in a hardware shop and Toad asks what are they doin there.
Walt says "What? You gonna carry your tools in a rice bag?" Ahahahah!

One day, while returning from his manly job, the Toad gets jumped by the Hmong Gangstahs... Walt finds out, gets all defensive and goes to their residence and beats the living crap out of one of the gang members. That night, they took revenge in the form of a drive-by shooting of Toad's house and... they raped Sue.
This got Walt all Hulk-ish, and... goes for a hair-cut, gets a new suit, finally makes the priest happy and goes for a confession.

WARNING: Spoiler Below. Those who haven't watched the movie, pls read on.

Toad thought Walt and him were gonna get revenge together, but instead, Toad gets locked up in the basement... Walt passes his dog, Daisy to the noisy Hmong grandma as his last attempt on hitting on her (but he still failed) and he goes over to where the Hmong gangstahs live. He talks some cock, takes out a ciggy, all the while the gang is freaked out, having their guns pointed at him... And Walt asks for a light. The puzzled gang thinks Walt's up to something and they leave their guns pointed at him. As soon as Walt reaches into his coat for his... * BHAM BHAM BHAM BHAM *
What the eff happened? Walt crumbles to the ground... with a lighter in hand. The same one he had since 1951. He was unarmed, and what he did...how he got killed.. was witnessed by all the neighbors, and eventually the gang gets arrested.

Can't a man light his cigarette without gettin shot?

It's a touching tale.. of an old man, who lost his love, was all grumpy, eventually let the people he despises into his life. But then gets hurt. Now, the whole story idea was okay, but the acting had room for improvement. Great work on the racist name calling though, and just for you Humpathon readers, I'm gonna list down most of it.

Walt Says:

- Zipper Heads
- Egg Roll
- Gooks
- Fish Heads
- Spooks
- Serpent Head
- Shrimp Dick
- Click-Clack-Ding-Dong
- Dragon Lady
- Calls a Hmong girl "Ms. Yum Yum" instead of her real name, Youa... and "Toad" instead of Thao.

Rating: 6/10
Best Bit: All the name calling parts and the scene where he teaches Toad to talk like a man at the barbershop.

I'll Flack Her Anyday

2009-02-04T21:12:00.003+08:00

Ah yes, the American Idol fever is back, and I must say, this season looks pretty promising.
We have the bikini girl, that psycho Alexis who came back with a new take on life... well, till she got 4 "No's" that is... I think there are a few homo's. That Jose chap is one of 'em.
Now, my votes (and eyes, and...) go for Sarah Rose Flack.
Yup, the hippie gal! She was a true charmer, with her hippie'ish attire, dread-lock'ish hair... and to top it off, her voice is friggin' awesome.
She comes from a troubled past, with both her parents having passed away while she was very young, having led to Rose and her brother being adopted by a family, who's supporting her 100% all the way.
She nailed it at the auditions, and did it again today in the first Hollywood audition at the Kodak Theater. I got rather worried at first, cause she lost her confidence and was having vocal problems during practice... All went well for Rose though, and she's got my vote throughout the blinking season.
I also like Megan Corkrey. The 23 year old mum...? Tattoo on her whole right arm? (or most of it) No? Dang it. Well, she's good and so is that pink-haired, punk/rock girl. And the only guy who get's my vote is the dude who sang Kiss from a Rose today. He lost his wife recently, but that's not the reason he's got my vote. He has a good voice... and isn't gay looking.

On another note... I was watching One in a Million the other day... A Malaysian "talent" show.. somewhat like Akademi Fantasia and Malaysian Idol I guess. Now, as if through the other two shows it wasn't obvious enough that Malaysia lacks good singers... They have this crappy show, with surprise, surprise "Paul Moss" as the white judge, who criticizes people with some of the EXACT same comments as Simon Cowell does. Seriously, even the tone is the same, the facial expression... the hand gestures. Cut the crap and be original for Moose's sake!

The Case of the Handphones

2009-01-23T20:27:00.004+08:00

Since the invention of the phone by Alber... I mean Alexander Graham Bell, men have been miraculously been able to communicate with people further than their front door. Way, way further. Not, not across the road you twit. Across oceans, to other countries even!
Yes... The normal phone soon evolved into cordless phones, then came hand phones and then evil was created via Nokia, Sony Ericsson, Samsung, LG who suck your money dry by adding video, camera, internet and other functions to mobile phones, using advertisements of "cool" and "hip" teenagers wearing 3 layers of clothing (although they're in Malaysia, under the hot stinkin sun, and come to think of it, why do none of those kids look Malaysian? Oh, right. The "eurasian" look sells.. but back to where we suddenly drifted off..)
Ah, I should stop that. Long sentences tend to make me forget what I was saying. My point is, now phones are more of a trend than a neccesity.
Some of us have learnt to accept this technologically advanced invention, and understand its functions... You know, like being able to talk to friends/family who are far, far away...
HOWEVER, there exists a bunch of people who simply cannot digest the fact that people far away, can actually hear you through this rectangular wonder that is the mobile phone. (Yes yes fine..or PDAs, iPhones... you brats)
These confused hobbits have the tendency to shout... and I mean... really... yell into their phones. It's either that or they want everyone to hear about this "cool" weekend they have planned ahead which 'surprise, surprise' involves alcohol and clubbing at the most "happening" club in _________. (Enter location, cause this shit happens everywhere. Except in Ipoh.. they don't have clubs there. They party in Caves)
Now, I was baffled. Don't these people realize that they sound completely bonkers screaming "HUH!? PETER DID WHA...!? I ALWAYS KNEW HE PERVERT "WOR".. AHAHAH! YAH LA YAH LA! YAM CHAAA AHH? OKIE SET BRUDERRRR! AH I ON THE WAY I ON THE WAY!"

If YOU happen to be one of those turds mentioned above, how bout you try this... The next time you're on the phone, in the middle of your shouting match, whisper this:
"and you're a cock sucker..."
E.g "HUH!? PETER DID WHA...!? I ALWAYS KNEW HE PERVERT "WOR".. and you're a cock sucker...AHAHAH! YAH LA YAH LA! YAM CHAAA AHH? OKIE SET BRUDERRRR! AH I ON THE WAY I ON THE WAY!"
If the person on the other line goes "What fuck you bastard guy!?" It proves that you do NOT need to yell into that blinking phone and scare the living shit out of a guy while he's trying to get into the pants of a hot girl...

Shit Song: January

2009-01-09T12:07:00.005+08:00

As usual, the stinkin radios just like most clubs play songs that are detrimental to society AND repeat em' over and over again...

What makes it suck even more is when the songs make no sense.
Let's take a recap on songs that fall under the "What-the-flippin-Eff-does-this-mean" category...

1.) Control Myself - El Loser Uncool Jackshit
The part that hits everyone's nerves: "Zezeze zezeze zezezeze"
El Loser proudly displays his dysfunctional linguistic skills here by sayin stuff that makes no sense what-so-ever... and his groupies swallow it all in and start "reporting to the dance floor.." as he instructs.

2.) Right thurr - Clingy Chingy
The part that hits everyone's nerves: "I like the way you do that right thurr... Swing your hips when you're walkin, let down your hurr..."
Is he that incapable of rhyming words that he resorts to creating his own mortifying "words"

And for the most recent grammatically incorrect song of the month...

3.) Floor Sweeper - In the Ayer...
Firstly, let's give him a huge applaud for coming up with such a unique name. Flo Rida. I bet no one would guess that he originates from Florida. (cause his name does not in any way give it away) Well, with a name like Tramar Dillard... why wouldn't he opt for another cooler, more "ghetto" name... Heck, I was even planning to rename myself to Pee Nang. (hey, what a coinsidence... I'm from Penang, you just minus one "E" and...)
Yesh back to the song...
The part that hits everyone's nerves: "... Make me throw my hands. In the ayer..ay-ayer..ayer..ay-... Party all night like yayer..yayer.."

I can't think.. I DON"T wanna think of more songs rather...
So, congrats to Flo Rida from Flo Rida for his truly inspirational song with deep lyrical content.. It made it as the top shittiest song for the new year.

Another reason to drink

2008-12-24T23:37:00.003+08:00

To all teh fellow Hump-addicts! Have a Humping X'mas and a Humping New Year!

Transporker 3

2008-12-23T09:25:00.008+08:00

Oh good gawd, Transporker 3 is out! Big flippin doo-da deal. For those of you who haven't already spent 10 bucks on this worthless movie, I'd suggest you read this and let me spoil this "unpredictable" movie for you.
Okie, so Jason Stutterham is back once again to act as a male blonde (minus the hair) who sticks his head in things that he shouldn't and pays the price for it. Oh but wait, he's the main character, so no matter how fucked he may seem, he'll pull through.
Here's a real brief summary of the movie, cause honestly, it deserves no publicity whatsoever, and even dissing this movie is considered a waste of time by teh Humpster.
Jason who's known as Martin in Transporter, politely declines another delivery job, so this other jabronee grabs the chance to shine. Thing is, it was a set up, and he gets fudged over, and as a last resort, he heads to the one man whom he can trust, good ol' Martin. So, just like any casual friend would, he crashes his car into Martin's house and says Hi. They have some coffee, talk about the recent Humpathon post on the upcoming Batman movie, and just as the two males were about to hit it off, a problem arises. The substitute transporter has this bracelet thingy, and if he ventures more than 75 feet away from his car, he gets blown apart by some high-tech gadget thingy that I hope someday to possess and place it on every dog eating shithead out there.
Oh in the car, there's this BUTT UGLY freckled Russian hoe called Valentine, (played by Natalya Rudakova) who basically was the "parcel" being transported. Being the horny man that he is, Martin sees her and whips it out. But then she wakes up, and all his not-so-noble intentions had to be put on hold.
To put it short, Martin gets involved and while driving her around town, gets kidnapped by some thugs led by the only good actor in the movie, good ol' T-Bag himself, Robert Knepper, who plays Johnson. He places the same bracelet thingy on Martin, and asks him to make a delivery, as usual, no questions asked about the package. Martin the Mole soon digs his nose too deep in shit as usual, falls in love with the shit-sprinkled Valentine, and takes off his shirt for no apparent reason while fighting off the bad guys...
Yes, the same old "exciting" fight scene using his coat to spank the bad guys is repeated over.. and over and over again in Transporker 3. And they ripped off a car chase scene from Fast and Furious. When his car tilted sideways and squeezed through 2 trucks. What the Hell is with trucks suddenly appearing in car-chase scenes!??
So, let's recap... the fight scenes are lame. The "jokes"... even worse. The first scene, where Martin is fishing with his sugar daddy, and they crack up some pathetic jokes that are not worth mentioning here. Oh, and during the shooting scenes, despite the bad guys being trained professional killers, they can't seem to hit Martin eventhough they're in a car right behind him. Yep, not even one bullet hits him. And I thought Hindi movies made no sense..
You know what, let's not call this an "action" movie... It was more of a.. a.. Cooking Movie. Throughout the whole effing movie, that Russian beeyatch whines about how hungry she is, and how she wants "baby carrots, potatoes, lamb marinated with...." etc etc. So, there I was taking down her recipes, cause they sure as Hell sounded good. Heck, made me so hungry I had to leave the cinema to get a hotdog. I wasn't gonna miss much of the movie anyway? I already saw it all in the previous two movies.

Oh a word of advice to would-be car owners... GET A FRIGGIN AUDI!
My verdict based on this movie, is that Audi's are indestructable. You could push it into the Klang River and soak it up real good, bring it up to the surface and it'll still work fine.

My favourite bit was when the horny Russian gets turned on by Martin's strip-fighting, and when they're alone on a hill, she asks him to shake his stuff. He's all like "Gosh.. shucks. Me? Ah Hyuck".. Then he eventually strips (at which point I was spitting my hotdog out) and they get it on. No surprise there. So, they start shagging on the hill. And what's the next scene?
The head villain, Johnson, asks his thugs "What's his position?" (for you half-wits, he was referring to Martin's location)
I fuckin burst out laughing! "Doggy-style!!" I said out loud.

That was the ONLY good part, and hey, that was self-made. It was a pathetic movie, probably just as bad as Samuel L. Jackson's "Lakeside Terrace". The actress was fugly, Jason the StutteringHam was as bad as Keanu Reeves and the jokes were... not jokes. I wanna buy his coat though, it's way better than a gun, and I'm betting it's bulletproof. Why else didn't he get hit?

Rating: None
Best Bit: "What's his position?" Doggy-style!
Transporker 3 wishlist: Bracelet which goes Boom when you stray too far away from car, Coat which acts as a gun, sword and shield, and Car which is water-proof, bullet-proof... Not fool proof though as Martin proudly shows us.

Obituary List

2008-12-18T09:46:00.005+08:00

There was too much hype on Dark Knight and Heath Ledger's role as the Joker. (Yes, it was good, but enough with the "Why so seriouss!?" already!)
Now, there was speculation that Johnny Depp would play the role of the Riddler in the next Batman movie. Are those bimbos I see jumping up and down and celebrating?
Too bad. Cause Eddie Murphy's set to play The Riddler. Hah! Oh, you're not celebrating now? Eddie's a brilliant comedian you ignorant twits... Who better to play the Riddler? Okay, Russel Peters would fit right in as well. In due time, he'll get his movie role, get criticized and lose a huge number of his fans. But heyy, that's a story for another post.
Moving on to more Batman roles... Rachel Weisz is believed to be in line for Catwoman (Halle Berry was a wayy hotter choice if you ask Teh Humper) and no surprise here, the boot-shining, ass kissing, dependant on other actors for fame, Shia LeBeouf will play Batman's pansy sidekick, Robin.

Place your bets on which one of these stars will get too "engrossed" in their character in turn, leading them to commit suicide, win umpteen Grammies and gain worship of groupies. * fingers crossed * "Shia, shia, shia...." Chant with me dammit!

Diarrhea

2008-12-08T01:07:00.005+08:00

Now, that hoe Rihanna keeps coming up with songs that simply annoy the living crap outta me. The latest song which is played 12,387 times a day is Disturbia by the one and only huge-ass "foreheaded" Rihanna. To make her song sound a little more appealing, here's the Humper's own version of her song.

Diarrhea - by Fluffy Teh Humper

What's wrong with it?
Why does it feel like this?
I'm going crazy now

No more gas in the rear..
Can't even get it started
Nothing heard, nothing released
Can't even speak about it
Out my butt out my head
Don't want to think about it
Feels like I'm going insane
Yeah

It's a thief in the night
To come and grab your butt
It can creep up inside you
And consume you
A disease of the ass
It can control you
It's too close for comfort

Take off your undies and tights
We're in the toilet of wonder
Ain't gonna shit nice
Watch out, you might just soil yourself
Better poop twice
Your train of shit will be altered
So if you must faulter be wise
Your ass is in diarrhea
It's like the poop is too light
Diarrhea
Is it scaring you tonight
Your ass is in diarrhea
Ain't used to what you like
Diarrhea
Diarrhea

Damn bum be-dumb bum bum be-dumb bum
Damn bum be-dumb bum bum be-dumb bum

Damn bum be-dumb bum bum be-dumb bum

Damn bum be-dumb bum bum be-dumb bum

Shit splats on the wall
It's like they talkin' to me
Disconnectin' my undies
My fart sounds watery
I gotta it out
Or figure this shit out
It's too wet for comfort

It's a thief in the night
To come and grab your behind
It can creep up inside you
And consume you
A disease of the ass
It can control you
My butt feels like a monster

Take off your undies and tights
We're in the toilet of wonder
Ain't gonna shit nice
Watch out, you might just soil yourself
Better poop twice
Your train of shit will be altered
So if you must faulter be wise
Your ass is in diarrhea
It's like the poop is too light
Diarrhea
Is it scaring you tonight
Your ass is in diarrhea
Ain't used to what you like
Diarrhea
Diarrhea

Damn bum be-dumb bum bum be-dumb bum
Damn bum be-dumb bum bum be-dumb bum

Damn bum be-dumb bum bum be-dumb bum

Damn bum be-dumb bum bum be-dumb bum

Release me from this curse I'm in
Trying to remain tame
But I'm struggling and wiggling
If you can go,oh,oh,oh, uh ho
I think I'm going to oh, oh, oh

Take off your undies and tights
We're in the toilet of wonder
Ain't gonna shit nice
Watch out, you might just soil yourself
Better poop twice
Your train of shit will be altered
So if you must faulter be wise
Your ass is in diarrhea
It's like the poop is too light
Diarrhea
Is it scaring you tonight
Your ass is in diarrhea
Ain't used to what you like
Diarrhea
Diarrhea

More reason why KFC's THE best

2008-12-02T13:45:00.004+08:00

As you fellow Humpathon readers already know, KFC is THE way of life. Screw Ronald and his cult. Here's a recent news article on KFC which further proves why the land of Sanders is the place to be.
"Three women stood naked outside a Kentucky Fried Chicken store, calling on the fast food giant to improve its animal welfare standards.

Wearing nothing but Santa hats, the three "naked chicks'' held a banner for good taste which read: 'Make it a Merry Chickmas (Chickmas) and boycott KFC'. The three vegans, all aged in their 20s... " (source: news.com.au)

ENOUGH SAID!!! Which other fast food outlet has 3 hot chicks in their 20's standing naked outside of it for your viewing pleasure?

Yet another reason to love KFC. These aren't the ACTUAL pics on the article mentioned above, but they should give you a rough idea bout how naked chicks "protesting" against KFC look like. Don't thank me, Fluffy feels this is vital.

Look at that old man! (and well, any other guy you see in the pic...) See how happy they are? Now you don't get this kinda service at Mc D's dontcha?
I rest my case.

Read em' Gramps!

2008-11-20T15:59:00.004+08:00

You know you're gettin too old when...

You go to this hair saloon that you've been visiting for 4 years, and they always provide you with FHM mags to read, but all of a sudden on your latest visit... They give you copies of The Off Edge and Expatriate magazine for your "reading pleasure"...

Of Caffeine and Spelling

2008-11-18T20:01:00.003+08:00

At a recent visit to Oldtown Kopitiam, this was found on their order sh.. I mean order chit.

(click to enlarge) ... the picture! Don't get your hopes too high.

Farts in Heaven

2008-11-17T19:04:00.004+08:00

Well whaddya know?! Fluffy's college life is officially over. (Unless you count the internship as part of college.. but there's no more studies, so there!)
Woot! More time to blog you say? Very unlikely. Internship starts next week. Flying fudge. That's a pickle in my Chocolate Sundae..

Anyhoo! Here is a parody of the song "Tears in Heaven" by Eric Clapton, done by teh Humper himself. Unlike the original version,this one is about a father and his son, who had such a bond. They used to fart together all the time, in cinemas... on the dog's face while it's asleep... in the bath tub then laugh at the bubbles that appear... But one day, while trying to fart on the balcony at an unsuspecting crow, the boy fell to his death... This is the song by his father to him... * wipes tear *

Farts in Heaven - by Fluffy Teh Humper

Would you know my name
If I farted in heaven
Will it smell the same
If I farted in heaven
I must be strong, and fart for long
Cause I know my farts don't belong
Here in heaven

Would you hold my hand
If I farted in heaven
Would you help me breathe
If I farted in heaven
I'll find a way, through night and day
Cause I know I just can't fart
Here in heaven

Farts can bring you down
Farts can bend your knee
Farts can break your heart
Have you begging please
Begging please (fart moreeee)

(instrumental farts)

Beyond the toilet door
There's peace I'm sure.
And I know there'll be no more...
Farts in heaven

Would you know my name
If I farted in heaven
Will it smell the same
If I let one rip in heaven
I must be strong, and fart for long
Cause I know my farts don't belong
Here in heaven

Cause I know my farts don't belong
Here in heaven...

The Death of Elmo

2008-10-12T00:45:00.002+08:00

It brings me great pleasure to announce that in response to my post on how much I hate Elmo, readers from all over have joined my club. (For those of you who haven't read it, look for Murder Me Elmo under "Humped") Here is one video which I found. Brought a HUGE grin to my face.

Wasn't that just magical? :)

Fury

2008-10-11T18:05:00.014+08:00

When watching movies in cinemas, one of the things I look forward to besides the movie, is the Malay translation of the movie title. For "Fury", the translation was Garang... and further below, were the words "Chocolate".. I was like "What the eff!? Is the movie bout some furious chocolate bar or smth?" I later did some reading and found out that was the alternative title of the movie. Why? I'm guessing cause the girl in the movie really likes chocs... No, seriously.Anyway Fury, a Thai movie about this young Thai+Jap girl who is acoustic... I mean autistic, and has the ability to mimic anything she sees on TV and in real life. (and is totally freaked out by flies. Yep, she screams and goes all beserk at the sight of a fly... Hey.. pretty much how I act at the sight of a centipede) Her mother (played by Ammara Siripong... hahaha! Imma Sirry bong.. No? okie..) was once a (hot) member of some Thai triad group, and her dad (played by Hiroshi Abe) is a Yakuza member. Cool parents, I'll say. So, the lil girl who's name is Zen (played by Yanin Vismitananda... damn Thai names take up so much space) with her ability to mimic martial arts moves, picks up a thing or two by watching topless, muscular men practice kick-boxing outside her home... Jeez. Kids these days! Oh, since the director of this movie also directed the kick-ass movies Ong Bak and Tom Yam Sedap, it's no surprise Zen also watched Ong Bak and learnt some moves from Tony Jaa.
Anyway back to the plot, Zen's mama, Zin... (Yep, not very creative with naming the characters eh?) got into big trouble for falling for a member of the Yakuza, so the Thai triad group she was with put out her torch, and she was voted off.
When they found out she was still keepin in touch with her Sushi-boy, Masashi.. through mail! Wow, that dude being Japanese, one would expect him to give her some high-tech non traceable, phone+camera+sushi maker gadget... But nah, they used snail mail, and the Thai triad members, who consist mostly of trannies who have guns and muscles... (No longer will I mess with transvestites behind the allies) found out and paid Zin a visit. They said hie, had some tea, chopped off her toe and left.. the usual routined Thai tea-time visit. Oh, and threatened to take more drastic action if she continues sending more letters to Masashi. As luck would have it for Zen, her mum was also suffering from some medical condition.. she was getting real sick, losing her hair, and all her appeal to me. Zen decides with her fat, male comrade, Moom to earn some money to help pay for her mum's medical bills. They go from place to place, and Zen sits on a chair, while people throw multiple balls at her and watch her catch it effortlessly. I was hoping a Malaysian dude would come up and throw a Durian at her. (Catch that bish!) but it never happened... Dammit!
Then one day, while Moom was digging through Zin's underwear drawer, he finds a book in which she keeps details of all the people who owe her money back from her gangstah days. He decides to approach them and ask for the payment with Zen, cause he's too fat and afraid to face them alone. So, he needs a girl.. A mentally unstable girl... Back to the story..
They go and see people, bash the shit out of them, and get teh money. It was really cool cause the girl did all the stunts herself! Plus, her grim and blank expression while fighting made the fight scenes all the better.
Soon, news comes to the Thai triad leader and his bunch of trannies.. I mean... sophisticated, intelligent, strong.... very strong women.. men.. people. PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!
Zen's mum finds out what has been going on, and calls.. no wait.. sends a mail to Masashi telling him on what's going on. If they were in Malaysia, Pos Laju would've probably got the letter delivered too late, and Zen, Zin and Moom would've already been chopped liver.Masashi get's all pissy, sends ONE of his boys down to Thailand... he manages to kill about 4 trannies and then the main tranny shoots him.
Masashi decides that he should go down there himself... So back in Thailand, Moom, while on the way to get some pork buns, gets shot by the drag queen. I mean.. ah fuck it. YES, drag queen! tranny! you bloody cross dressing fugly filthy speciment of the lowest form! There! Come and get meh!
Where was I!?
Zin tries to negotiate with the Thai triad gang to let the fat ass Moom go (he didn't get killed by the bullet cause he's a fat tub of lard) and meets up with the leader. Zen follows along, and soon, mother and daughter and thrashing the place and killing people. It soon became a family reunion when the dad also came, and opened a can of Yakuza-whoop ass on everyone.
The Thai triad leader pissed in his pants, and introduced his own secret weapon, his very own retarded son! He can't walk straight, keeps having seizures but he fights... so it was Zen vs. Retarded boy in Adidas jumpsuit. This was one funny part, cause Zen mimics how El-Tardo fights, and soon kicks his ass back to Barney land.

After ALOT of chasing, Zen finally catches the Triad leader, and bashes the living crap out of him. The chase part was real interesting, as they were jumping from one building to another, balancing on shop signs... and I stress, it was all real. I mean, sure they used strings and whatnot, but they did get injured. Heck, one guy even broke his neck during the filming of the movie. Yeah, when the movie finishes, sit back for a bit and watch the Behind the Scenes part. I was awestruck. Yanin, who played Zen, is one Hell of a tough ass girl. She has cuts, bruises, glass in her palms... Really impressive.
Anyway, she gets the leader, kills him, and starts crying with her daddy over Zin's death. It was an overall, pretty good movie, I'd say. The fight scenes, though nothing compared to Ong Bak, was quite entertaining. And the young actress is really talented. Would be good if they came up with a movie featuring her alongside Tony Jaa. The story idea was good, and in the beginning it was said the movie wanted to inspire autistic children. Aww.. They get my vote here!

Best Part: The scene in which Zen goes to this butchery and fights the mob there.

Rating: 7.5/10

Note: Dear Thai trannies with guns and six packs... I was joking about what I said earlier. I have a dog to feed... spare me.... Cookie?

Another lyrical mystery

2008-10-04T16:50:00.003+08:00

I was recently listening to Bon Jovi's "I'll Be There For You"... and in the song he sings:

I'll be there for you
These five words I swear to you

Wait a minute... FIVE words? I always thought that "I'll" would count as two words. Doesn't it?
Bon Jovi would definitely flunk college man. He'd exceed the word limit without knowing it.

I'll be there for you
These SIX words I swear to you...

There, much better.

It's time for a Revolution!

2008-09-04T14:12:00.006+08:00

One of the reasons I tend to stray away from clubs these days (apart from the abundance of weak drinkers who puke all over the dance floor, idiots who wear shades in clubs for no apparent reason, posers, girls with low-self esteem but high with entertainment value and the over-priced alcohol...) is because of the music they play!!!

I give credit to Zouk for having their Wednesday's 'Mambo Jambo' (but even they stray away from the 50's) night, and a few other bars/pubs which play real good music. While I'm not saying EVERYONE has to like Oldies, Classic Rock and what not... but don't you think there should be a variety of clubs around?

Nearly all the clubs play trance, house, RnB, hip hop and all that crap. We may have different tastes in music, but dear Lord, what about the rest of us who appreciate other types of music!?

What I would give for a club that plays Rock, Oldies (50's, 60's, 70's) and such. Have a nice beer, a group of pals, and just enjoy the music. Ah, how nice that would be.

It saddens me when people pay no attention whatsoever to music that hasn't been played every hour on the radio. What about music from Paula Anka? Del Shannon? The Chordettes!?
Sure, we have Lite.fm... yes. That is ONE station in comparison to how many other stations which play that fat chicken wing, Sean Kingston and other crap they call music?

I even had the urge to one day, just out of the blue, dress up like the Fonz, or Danny Zuko, gel up my hair, get a nice black leather jacket, a comb, tight jeans... Okay, maybe when I put on a little more weight. But just you wait, I'll do it I tells ya!

Now, Humpathon's sister blog is http://headsandfists.blogspot.com/ and it is there that I intend to shed some light onto songs from the "distant" past. Oldies (50's, 60's, 70's), Classic Rock, funk... you catch my drift. I'm not saying I'm an expert on these genres, hell no. It's one of the reasons I'm writing there in the first place.

I want to make it a learning process for both me and my readers. Music like those mentioned above should be getting the respect and attention they deserve by us. Especially here in Malaysia where songs played on the radio or in clubs are automatically made a favorite. It happens so often.

Your feedback, opinions are most welcome. Tell me what you want posted and I will do my best to cater to your needs. (concentrating mostly on Oldies and Classic Rock of course) Now get going to HeadsandFists.com!

Bug Olympics

2008-08-29T19:32:00.009+08:00

Congrats to China on their recent win on the Olympics. Yeh, that's over and done with. Now let's take a look at a sport from Japan instead. Called "Japanese Bug Fights" cleverly by these bored Japanese dudes, they take all the deadliest, toughest, freakiest bugs out there, put them together in glass box, and it's on!

Now, some may call it heartless, cruel... BUT I saw centipedes getting owned! So I don't care! IT'S AWESOME! Anything to do with centipedes dying is God's gift to me.

Here are a few videos that I watched.
The first one is of a centipede going against a scorpion.

Place your bets. Nah, screw it. I'll just tell you who won. The centipede unfortunately... but wait! In a rematch with the scorpion's brother, the centipede gets whooped. Ah, revenge is sweet.

Okay, the next match is between a beetle and a centipede. I THINK that the beetle is from Malaysia cause the Jap dude said something that sounds like "Marayseea".. I didn't even have to watch the video to know who'd win. The beetle has a tank like body, no way in hell does the pathetic centipede have a chance. Hah! No wait, "Hah"'s too short.... HAHAHAHAHAHA!

For some strange reason (yeah right) I viewed only the videos with centipedes in 'em. Guess, deep down inside, I really wanted to know just where do centipedes stand in the hierarchy of insects. In my previous post about centipedes, there was a video of a giant centipede eating a helpless poor mouse. So, when I came across a video of a centipede and a tarantula, I was overjoyed. Surely, the 8 legged freak would beat the living crap out of the... 10.. no, 15.. 30? 100 legged freak which is the centipede. I thought wrong...
Here's a clip of a tarantula... WEAK pansy ass tarantula getting killed. <-- Clickedy click. I was devastated! I always looked up to spiders... But heyyy... what's this? Another clip courtesy of our Japanese bug lovers. And this one you must... MUST watch.

Ah, did you see that? That spider was smart. Jumped up, then plunged down and sank its fangs into the helpless centipede which just cause I was sleeping, thought it could take advantage and bite me. Yeh, you met your match now huh!? HUH!!!?? I can't erase this huge grin off my face upon watching the video above.

To be fair, I'll post another video, but of a centipede winning. Yeah, it was a tough match... but the centipede pulled through. It faced one of nature's deadliest insects, and actually won.

Take a guess, what insect did the centipede go against?

Okay, if anyone of you answered manatee, do leave your name, address and phone number, for you deserve to be assassinated.

The actual answer is: WHO THE CENTIPEDE FACED
Isn't that just embarrassing? Of all the bugs to put it up against, they chose the fly's cousin. Might as well just put a ladybird there. That'd be a challenge now wouldn't it? Pfft!

You should check JapaneseBugFights out. I've yet to see any other "matches" besides those posted above. If you do stumble across any good fights, lemme knw!

Where have I been?

2008-08-09T18:49:00.002+08:00

Ay mates! Me fellow humplings.
Pardon my death-like absence. The humper has been rather busy.
It was teh holidays, and it was well spent with a 6 day trip to Langkawi.
You may already remember my last Langkawi trip and my post on it, so look forward to this trip's highlights and stuff.

Okie, nuff babbling. This blog ain't bout my daily life, it's bout writing stuff you people out there deem as entertaining. Give me some time, and more posts shall appear. Movies, music, langkawi, events, you name it.

Till then, just to let you all know, I'm still alive and kickin it.
Cheers

They start young... real young!

2008-06-10T15:34:00.002+08:00

Here I was, just a few mins ago, looking up some songs in YouTube, when i stumbled upon System of a Down's Chop Suey...

Only, this is a better version!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! OMFG! HOW CUTE IS THAT!?

I want my kid to be like that! Heck, he'll have dread locks and will head bang to Korn too!

WOoooHHoooooooOOo!!!!

2008-06-10T04:39:00.002+08:00

GIVE IT UP FOR ORANJE!!!! OWNED THE WORLD CHAMPIONS!
Without some of our main players too!

Those pizza eating Mafias better play better against the blood sucking Romanians.

It's Tonight!!

2008-06-09T22:10:00.010+08:00

TO ALL ORANJE FANS OUT THERE!!!

GLORY TO NETHERLANDS!!! LAND OF DRUGS AND WOMEN!

Honestly though, I'm real bummed that Netherlands is in the same group as my second fav team, Italy. I just hope they both make it to the following rounds.

SO, grab your Oranje jersey, get an orange fruit in one hand, and a pumpkin in the other (to throw at Italian fans) and let's make this an Oranje day!

Yes, we may not have Persie, Robben, Babel nor Seedorf <--- LEGEND!!! What the hell!? We may be the underdogs.. But trust me, we have spirit.

Apparently, Donadoni - Italy’s team manager - said the Italians will play offensively this time around. That type of discussion doesn’t exist in Holland. We will play like we play. Like we always play. We will succeed and over-power our opponent, or we’ll go down in flames. With pride. (Jan, 2008)

Italy’s projected line-up:
Buffon;Panucci, Materazzi, Barzagli, Zambro;Gattuso, Pirlo, De Rossi;Camoranesi, Toni, Di Natale.

Holland’s projected line-up
Van der Sar;Melchiot, Heitinga, Mathijsen, Gio;De Zeeuw, Engelaar;Van der Vaart, Sneijder, Afellay;Van Nistelrooy

HISTORY WILL NOT REPEAT ITSELF!!! EURO 2000 AGAINST ITALY WAS... VERY PAINFUL FOR ORANJE FANS ALL OVER... Watch for yourself... This is not to frustrate us, but to motivate us. We won't make the same mistakes again. And gosh darn, I miss Patrick Kluivert.

Yes, it was a great game nonetheless. If it were France, or England, I wouldn't even post that video up. But it's Azzuri, and I respect them.

Anyway, let's do this.

GO ORANJE!!!

Jumbo Rage

2008-06-04T22:55:00.002+08:00

Was reading Star online when I stumbled upon an article that made me laugh...

Rampaging elephants moved to Taman Negara

Two wild elephants, caught after they went on a rampage at a farm in Kampung Tenang, have been transferred to Taman Negara. (The Star online, Wednesday, June 4th 2008)

Jumbo move: Perhilitan staff using tame elephants to assist in getting two wild elephants onto a trailer near Kampung Tenang in Johor yesterday.

Kampung Tenang!? The irony!

I'm bhaaack bishes

2008-05-14T23:46:00.007+08:00

Crap... Looking at back at how much I used to blog, it's pathetic that I've reduced my posts to once every 3-4 months.. Okie, I'll try to make a come back. In my defense though, UNISA (degree) is draining the life outta the Humper. That would have a subliminal meaning to it too.

Let's see what's new...

I recently went back to Penang... for three short days, but spent it extremely well! I was so used to KL's ridiculous prices, that my jaw dropped when I ordered 2 hokkien mees and the aunty told me it was RM 5. "Huh!? 5 ringgit? for both??" was my reaction... I went back to my old neighborhood, saw my old school and went to the shops I used to frequently visit back in my Penang days. The dang Rojak and Cyber Cafe aunty still remembers me! Aww... Well they had better! They had half my allowance while I was living there. Damn rojak lady and her awesomely yummy rojak. We also visited the Steamboat place near Komtar. Shyte, for a mere RM 19.90 you get to eat ALL YOU WANT! In my dictionary... THAT IS A HECK ALOT OF FOOD!!! We ate bout 40 bucks worth of prawns, and I specialized in cooking pork. Did I mention I love pork? I do! That brings me to another dish that was good... Roti Babi! Or directly translated -> Pork Bread? Pig Bread? Swine Roll? Iono, what i DO know is, it's hella good! That was Penang, then there's college. UNISA sucks pretty bad. So how do we overcome the boringness of stupid part-time lecturers? We play Texas-Hold'em of course! Any of you got games coming up? Drop me a call. On the bright side, there's just 2 weeks left for this sem, then hurrah, it's gettin' wasted time.

Okie what else can I chuck into this post? Movies, right. Watch the Orphanage! It's a Spanish horror movie, which unlike it's English predecessors, has no "wooogla boogla booo!" scenes. It's more of a disturbing movie. That kid with the gunny sack on his head is an icon! Imma try putting one on my bro and let him cause chaos in school.

Oh, after much pestering from movie enthusiasts, I watched Pulp Fiction. That Quentin Tarantino sure can make a pointless movie. Apart from Samuel L. Jackson's cool pre-killing quotes, his hair-do was awesome too. Bruce Willis played a minor role in the movie, and the dancing fat ass, John Travolta (Bless his "sole", didn't you hear? He passed away yesterday) gets shot! I don't know what there is to enjoy about this movie, I don't even get what the title means. Any of you smart-asses wanna enlighten me? With your "FYI, Fluffy..." for instance?

Anyhoo, moving on, Scrubs is still officially the awesome-est show ever. Hail Coxism. It's a new religion.

Ah, annoying songs of this month., (and last)

1.) Bleeding - Leona Lewis (Fluffy says: Why do they 'keep playing, keep keep playing this damn song!?) That song causes listeners bleeding dang it! keep bleeding.. keep keep bleeding ears...

After affects of listening to Leona's song

2.) Bubbly - Colbie Caillat (Fluffy says: Over-played! We know she came down to Malaysia yadaa yadaa, but honestly, it's time to burst the bubble and stop playing the damn song. Realize is another annoying creation of hers.)

3.) Baby Love - Nicole Schwarzeneggar (Fluffy says: Arnold should just terminate her and that jumping over-dressed colourful prime ape which is Will.I.Am. )

Jimbo the chimp's reaction to Will.I.Am's singing and dressing

And here's a song which SHOULD be overplayed on the radio instead...

In the news:
- Petrol prices have increased yet again. Awesome.
- Cigarettes containing the label 'Mild', 'Lights' etc are to be banned.

Now there's news on petrol, cigs... if they dare touch alcohol... Fluffy's moving to another country.

Okie enough for this post, time for some poker. IJJI anyone? No? You'd rather DOTA instead? Well, screw you.

Note: John Travolta didn't really die (unfortunately), but I'm really hoping you guys googled it feeling all paranoid and worried. Hah!

Possible next hate post: David Cock
stay tuned...

Road Kill

2008-02-12T23:30:00.000+08:00

On Tuesday morning Cheryl and I woke up craving for some good food. Cheryl wanted Ayam Penyet (Squashed Chicken) so that's where we headed of course! As disgusting as the dish sounds, it's surprisingly very yummy! Originating from Indonesia, it's something you must try at least once.

She ordered the "Udang Penyet" and I took the Ayam Penyet which should not be mistaken for Prawns and Chickens which were road kill victims... Okay... I'm just making myself feel like puking now... Think about it, this poor lil' chicken tries to cross the road then...

+

Equals = Ayam Penyet!

Maybe if Barbie died in a car crash we would have "Barbie Penyet"...

Anywayy... go visit it. It's located at PJ, near Mentari, that Dominoes area. Opposite Pyramid? Ah heck, go find it yourself.